1 March 2005

Tim got up early this morning. He had to run a tutorial for a group of lawyers this morning so he had to get ready, take Lillian to childcare and take a tram to the city to conduct the tutorial.

I went to MECRS for my Tuesday morning sessions as usual. I got there just before 9.00 a.m. and there was no sight of Fiona in the physio gym. I went in there anyway to practice some walking with the rails. I couldn't find the mirror so I just had to do it without the mirror. When Fiona turned up, she was happy to see me started already. She set me on the treadmill for 10 minutes. I had to ask her all the questions about going to Epworth for physio - what would happen to my other sessions if I go to Epworth for physio. She didn't know the anwser to that so she had to talk to the co-ordinator of community rehab services to find out. She finally got the answer - if I go to Epworth for physio, MECRS will have to discharge me from everything - including gym, hydro and OT. This is really annoying - I've only started at the swim group and the gym. This is something I'll need to talk to Tim about and make a quick decision because I need to get in touch with Gavin this afternoon.

After I got back from MECRS, the first thing I did was calling Tim on the mobile to discuss what I should do. It turned out that he was just around the corner. As I was talking to him on the phone, I heard the gate opened and I could actually hear his voice both on the phone and outside. He thinks I should do whatever that will speed up my recovery. I know I will definitely go to Epworth but the question is when - should I wait till I'm discharged from MECRS (around early April) or should I go straight away which means all my other sessions stop immediately. This is really a leap of faith because I don't know for sure that what I'll get at Epworth would be definitely better. I called Gavin and told him that I had a discussion with Fiona and MECRS will discharge me if I go to Epworth. He said he's not surprised. I asked him what program would I get from Epworth etc. He told me he's thinking about two physio sessions per week and maybe I can have an odd session of hydro so he can review my program for me - Fiona told me that I could go to a self-help group at MECRS and pay a fee since I know my program quite well. Gavin said he can set up some exercises for me to do so I'll be looking at working 7 days a week. He asked me when I can start. I was trying to wait for a week till after the Labour Day holiday but he sat a time for next Monday 2 p.m. - I guess this is a bit like working at an accounting firm I really hated about 4 years ago - Tim kept asking me to look for another job but I would winge and complain everyday but not leaving the firm. I'm winging and complaining about MECRS all the time but when it comes to leaving it, I actually find it quite hard to do it - it's bit like stepping out of my comfort zone - something I have become quite familiar over the last 8 - 9 months.

28 February 2005

I didn't have any rehab appointments today. I woke up this morning feeling very tired because Lillian was a bit unsettled last night. I can't really remembered what happened but Tim said she was tossing and turning a lot and was keeping him awake so he put her in the cot next to our bed. She didn't like that and was crying a bit until I lost my patience and told Tim to put her back on our bed. My sleep was a bit interrupted.

I had my driving lesson around 12.30 p.m. I wasn't looking forward to this but the sooner I get my license back, the better. I had to remind the driving instructor to fit a spinner knob to the steering wheel, like what the OT driver assessor told me. I found it very hard to control the steering wheel with one hand, which is complicated with the spinner knob. The only time I found it useful is when I'm doing the parallel parking - when I need to turn the steering wheel very quickly. In the end, the instructor told me that maybe I don't need a spinner knob so in my next lesson, he'll get me to do the parking without one. I also asked him about when I can go for my test again, he said he'll arrange it with the OT driver assessor. We booked it for 21st March at this stage.

In the afternoon, Gillian, the case manager from ARBIAS, and Sophie, from City of Melbourne, came over to discuss what council services can I utilise. I didn't realise the city council actually provide so many different services - they can even get people to do shopping and pay bills for you. They asked me if I need help to do grocery shopping. I told them that I actually have someone does the shopping for me - I use Colesonline and order my grocery over the internet. I pay all the bills over the internet, too. They also told me that if I want, they can organise home care for me (for a fee) - someone can come over to do the vacuuming, mopping, cleaning and ironing for me. I didn't want to tell them that I actually do all that myself - I didn't want them to feel that the meeting is just a waste of their time. I told them what worries me most is actually caring for Lillian. If for any reason Lillian can't go to childcare then it would be very difficult for me to look after her by myself so I need some kind of backup. They told me they'll look into some kind of emergency nanny or carer for me. One thing they said they would do is to find a way to get Lillian admitted to the Wimble St childcare centre - which is just aross the road from us. I'm not sure if I want Lillian to go there anymore now that she is at the Melbourne Uni childcare and she seems to be quite happy there.

After they had gone, I was trying to start preparing some dinner. We have to go to Lillian's childcare this evening for the parents night so I just wanted to make sure dinner is almost done before we go. I planned to make some Teriyaki beef stir fry so it's quite simple. I cut up all the ingredients and put the rice on and all I had to do when we return was stir frying the whole lot in a wok. I actually felt quite uneasy about going to the parents night - I didn't really want to go because I didn't want Lillian to be embarrassed by me. The thought of other parents staring at me and wondering why I'm limping just terrifies me. It's the same feeling when I go to the church on Sundays - I hate it when people stare at me as I walk back from the communion. Tim finally persuaded me to go to the parents night. He doesn't think I should put my life on hold just because of this. I think he is right - I haven't done anything wrong and why should I be prevented from going anywhere just because some stupid insensitive people stare at me. I told him that I should have a T-shirt that says "Fxxx you. It could happen to you, too" because this is how I feel when people stare at me.

Tim got home around the usual time and found it amusing to see I was all ready to go. He said it was still early - parents night starts from 5.30 p.m. and it was only 5.00 p.m. I don't want to be the first one there but I'm not sure if I want to be the last one to arrive - I don't want everyone to see me limping all the way there. I waited for a while (anxiously) and finally, he said it's time we go. We got there reasonable early - there were only two other parents there. I think one of them is Helen, and the other one, Andrea. Helen's son, Zak, is in the same class with Lillian. I recognise the name - they put his bottle in Lillian's bag by mistake one day. Helen said Zak is very fond of Lillian and just follows her everywhere. It's good to know that Lillian has a friend noq. Lillian was very happy to see Tim - she ran over (all smiling) to him expecting him to pick her up. I spoke to the childcare worker, Mitra, a little bit. She said these kids are a lot better now - most of them are settled and don't cry all the time now. I was quite surprised to find that all these childcare workers seem to know the kids very well and remember what happened to them. For example, I was surprised that the director of the childcare , Cathy, came to ask me about Lillian's hives - she had hives a few weeks ago.

While the adults were chatting, the kids were having a great time with the food. They set up all the food (in plates) on a little table. Lillian loved being able to go up to the table and grab whatever she wants. At one stage, she probably thought I was starving - I sat on the only couch in the room and didn't bother getting any food. She kept getting food for me from the table - very sweet of her.

Helen was standing next to for a while and then just as I dreaded, she asked me if I had an operation with my ankle. I didn't really want to explain the details so I just said yes. She told me that her husband had an operation as well and it took him a while to recover. She seemed very nice and I didn't really want to bother her with the details. People don't normally understand the implications of a neurological disorder can have on one's motor skills and it's just all too hard to explain.

An hour went pass very quickly and the parents night was over. I'm glad I actually went. I think Lillian had a great time there. Tim told me afterwards that he was talking to the head of Melb. Uni childrens services and the guy told him that they have been watching Lillian very carefully because they think she is very special - she would often spend time by herself exploring the room. I'm glad to hear that, not just that she is special but also they actually take note of what she is doing while she is there.

25 February 2005

I got up eartly this morning - had to be ready for my swim group which started today. The taxi was a little bit late so I had to rush to the pool when I got to MECRS. I was surprised to find that there were only two other people in the swim group - I recognise one of them - David, from "Life Moves", who is a volunteered instructor. I thought Yvette was going to be here but instead, Adna took the group. She asked me whether I've done any swimming before and if so, what styles of swimming. I was never a very good swimmer - I didn't want to put my head in the water so I used to do breast stroke with my head above the water. I used to wear contact lenses but I only have my glasses on today. I asked her if I could keep my glasses on and she said that's fine except she might get me to take them off from time to time when I need to put my head in the water.

She got me to do a bit of paddling with my legs while using a 'noodle' for support and then try floating lying on my back which was not too hard. She got me to try a bit of breast stroke using a noodle. I found I was going around in a circle like before - I'm still using my right side a lot more than the left side. Fortunately there were only 4 people in the pool today so I wasn't bloking anyone's way. She then got me to practice a bit more paddling with my legs while I held on to her hands for support. I was getting a little bit tired after a few laps. At the end of the session, I met Yvette. She is the one who was supposed to take my gym session today so I was surprised to see her today - I thought she was away today. It turned out that she was meant to do a presentation today but was cancelled so here she was. She told me that after the swim group she'll do my gym assessment. I'm glad I came in today - I almost cancelled my session this morning because I wondered if there's any value in just turning up for one session.

After I had a quick shower, I went to the gym quickly. The gym where all the gym equipments are is also the amputee gym so there were few patients in wheelchairs with only one leg. Yvette got me to sit down on a chair and went through a list of questions with me. I told her that I have an exercise bike, a mini stepper and a treadmill at home so I've been doing exercises at home. She told me that she'll probably get me to do some weight training instead of working on something I can do at home. She couldn't finish all the assessments within the one hour and I was in a hurry to go home because I still have appointments with Judy and then Prema.

Judy, the massage therapist, came around 12.30 p.m. . She said my ankle is so much better these days - she doesn't have to fight very hard with it to make it stay in its natral position. She also told me that there has been a lot of change since the new year - there is a lot more muscle for her to work on. She thinks it's probably due to the exercises I've been doing. She also asked me if I've heard from Epworth to see when I can start going there and finish my program at MECRS. She suggested that she may not need to see me weekly if I'm not going to Epworth because MECRS does not work me hard enough and as a result, she doesn't have much to work on me. I told her that from next week, MECRS scheduled me two gym sessions per week so she'll probably have something to work on.

By the time I had my session with Prema, I was quite tired already. In the middle of our session, the door bell rang and just as Prema was going to answer it, the phone range as well. I answered the phone and it's Neil on the phone asking me if he could visitand update my exercises later this afternoon. I told him I actually feel very tired today so it's probably better to do it on another day. Prema went to the door and it was Dale, the social worker. I'm a bit surprised because we don't have an appointment today - I told him last Friday that this Friday is no good for me and he told me he'd call to arrange for another time but he hasn't called and I just assumed that he's too busy this week. It's a bit embarrassing because he knows Prema is my private physio and he has mentioned in the past that if I'm having too much private treatment, they will have to discharge me. I guess it doesn't matter so much now since they're planning to discharge me soon anyway.

After Prema left, I started updating my diary. I thought I heard my mobile phone ringing but by the time I got to it, I missed a call. I wonder whether it's from Gavin, the physio at Epworth. I checked the number and I recognised it's Epworth's number. This is exciting - I think this could be the phone call I've been waiting for - except I missed the call! Gavin left a message to say that he's sorted out the funding (they had to check with my private health insurance to see if they'll fund the costs) and asked me to give him a call. I called back straight away but missed him. I left a message for him so hopefully I'll have this sorted next week. I'm actually not sure whether I should go to Epworth now given that I have two physio, two hydro, two gym sessions and weekly swim group at MECRS.

As requested by Neil, I just did a typing test and my typing speed is 27 wpm.

24 February 2005

Rosemary came this morning to help me with my exercises. She mentioned that she is going to have a massage session with Judy as well - Neil had one last week and his shoulder was much better after that so she thinks she'll have one, too. Rosemary also mentioned that the three of them will have a meeting to discuss what they can help me. I think I'm so lucky to have people like them helping me. I still feel quite tired this morning so we finished a bit earlier today because I still have to go to MECRS this afternoon.

After Rosemary left, I had some lunch quickly and was ready well before the taxi pick up time. The taxi has been turning up early for the last couple of weeks so I thought I'd better be ready early this time. I waited in the study for a while but there was no sight of the taxi. I lost my patience when it was around 12.40 p.m. I called MECRS just in case they have forgotten about me. They told me they've booked a taxi for me for 12.15 p.m. and told me to wait for it. I suspect there are other passengers sharing the taxi with me. The taxi finally showed up at 12.45 p.m. and sure enough, there were two other passengers. We got to MECRS just about 1 p.m. and my hydro was meant to start from 1 p.m. I walked to the pool as quickly as I could. Everyone else was already in the pool by the time I got there. I didn't mind it so much because I know my exercises so well that I can actually finish everything within half an hour if I want to. I wasn't in a real hurry to go to my physio session anyway because I don't think I would miss out too much anyway. In the past, I would get out of the pool at least 10 -15 minutes earlier so I could get to my physio session within reasonable time. These days, I stay in the pool for a bit longer so I can also work on the range of movement in my left arm.

I got to the physio gym at around 2.10 p.m. I was going to start with some walking practice but the walking rails have been occupied so I found a vacant physio bed and sat down. When Fiona came out of her office, she set me up on the treadmill straight away. She set the same speed as two days ago but with only my ankle brace I found it really hard to lift up my foot after a while and at one stage she thought I was going to fall over so she reduced the speed a little bit. After the treadmill, she got me to stand on my left leg and step up my right foot on a physio bed. She was surprised that I can do it without holding on anything and commented that how much better I've become. She reminded me that the first time she got me to do this she had to set me up standing against the wall so I wouldn't fall over. I think one of Rosemary's exercises may have contributted to this. She thought this was too easy for me so she set up an obstacle course in the walking rails for me to try - it's set up like a horizontal ladder and I have to lift up my leg to walk over each bar without touching it. She asked me to do this forward first and then sideways - with the support of walking rails first and then without. I found it a bit hard but she told me it's meant to be. She said this is actually pretty high level stuff I'm doing and there's no point giving me something easy. I think this is pretty good news coming from her - they have finally adopted Gavin's attitude. I actually had a pretty good session - not only Fiona gave me the more advanced exercises to do but I also had her for the full hour and I didn't have to share it with other patients.

I found out from Fiona that I only have the swim group tomorrow morning and no gym work. The person who is supposed to take me in the gym session will not be available tomorrow morning. Initially, Fiona asked me if I wanted to cancel the swim group so I don't just go in for the one hour and I can start from next week. I thought I might as well attend since it's the first swim session.

23 February 2005

I didn't have any sessions today which was quite a relief for me because I'm a bit stressed out about Tim's Business Activity Statements and income tax returns for various entities. They are all due on the same date - next Monday. This means I need to post them by tomorrow the latest to ensure they get to the tax office on time.

I woke up around the usual time this morning - Lillian had to go to childcare and I always like to spend a bit of time with her before Tim takes her there. After they left, I did my exercise bike and step machine. I didn't really have time for my other exercises because I need to get on with all the accounts and tax returns.

I set in front of the laptop for a few hours trying to sort out a lot of mess and finally, I got to a stage I think I'll be ok in terms of getting them ccompleted on time. I felt quite tired afterwards - I know I have to get used to this because this is probably what I have to face when I eventually return to work.

Later in the afternoon, Marissa, Jenny, Tyrone and Jean-Franc, my friends from work, came to visit me. They have been very good to me - considering I haven't worked with them for that long. They visited me every week when I was in hospital - they even managed to smuggle some pizzas in for me after I told them how terrible the hospital food was. Today, they came especially for Lillian - a belated birthday celebration. Tim and Lillian got home a bit after. Lillian had a little red mark on her eye. Tim said she fell over at the childcare today but seems ok now. Poor thing. I feel so guilty now because she fell over last night as well and it was really my fault. I was carrying her around the bedroom but I lost my balance and fell over so she ended up on the floor as well. Fortunately, I didn't crush her.

After we dropped Lillian off at my parents' place, I continued the battle with Tim's accounts and taxes. I think the sooner I get them out of the way, the sooner I can get back into my exercises.

22 February 2005

I packed my bag (towels etc for hydro) but I wasn't sure whether I'd go to MECRS this morning because I had a tempature last night. I didn't feel too bad when I woke up this morning so I decided to go to my sessions - I never really worked too hard there anyway so it doesn't matter too much even I didn't feel quite 100%. I don't think I'd attend if it's Gavin's session though.

I got there early so I sat in the waiting area for a while and read some trashy magzines about the split of Jen and Brad. I didn't even know that they split back in January. When it's 9 o'clock, I went into the physio gym and set up the mirror and started my walking exercises. Fiona walked in after I've done a few laps. She thinks I'm walking a bit faster now. She got me to get on the treadmill and increased the speed again. I started to get sweaty after a while but I also felt more energetic. After the treadmill, she got me to do some other exercises in front of the mirror. An hour went pass quickly and it's time for hydro. I'm glad I went to the sessions this morning. I think I felt much better after exercising.

21 February 2005

It has not been a very good day for me. Woke up feeling quite unwell. Tim was up so many times last night - he caught some kind of bug and was vomitting every couple of hours. He was throwing up very loudly so I could hear it every time. I felt a bit queazy but did not throw up.

I knew I was coming down with something as soon as I woke up in the morning - my body was aching and I was getting hot and cold flushes. This was not very good because my driving assessment was booked for this morning. I felt like postponing the appointment but I didn't think it would affect me too much and I really wanted my license back so I can get around by myself.

I called for my taxi after Tim has taken Lillian to childcare. I didn't want to bother him (to give me a lift) today since he's still quite unwell. I got to Central Brunswick Medical Centre (that's where the OT Driver Assessor operates from) 15 minutes before my appointment time. I was quite nervous sitting there waiting for the OT to turn up. There was no site of him after 10.00 a.m. and I started to wonder whether he was sick today as well. 10 minutes later, I heard a voice and when I turned around, it was the OT. He must have got in through the back entrance because I didn't see him coming from the main entrance. He ushered me to his office and asked me a few questions such as if I had any medication today and if my should is sore. I told him that I was feeling a bit unwell this morning and hoping to postpone the assessment. He told me that it's a bit late to cancel it now and told me to go back to the waiting area to wait for the driving instructor to turn up.

It was a relief when I found out the driving instructor's car is a Mitsubishi Lancer - it's a bit flimsy but at least I know the indicators are on the right. The OT introduced me to the driving instructor, Tony. He would be conducting the test jointly with the OT. I got in the car and adjusted the seat and mirrors. I was quite nervous and tried to start a conversation with Tony and he just ignored me. I don't know Brunswick very well but the route they asked me to go was all around Brunswick. I was going well until they asked me to do a parallel parking. This is probably my weakest point. I couldn't do parallel parking before my illness anyway. The OT's mobile phone was ringing and he answered it. The background talking noise was annoying me quite a bit. After I hit the kerb, the driving instructor told me to pull out and we abandoned the parallel parking. The OT finally got off the phone and told the instructor we can go back now. When we got back to the medical centre, they told me to park wherever I could find a space - this meant another parallel parking. I still couldn't do it properly but this time I was able to park the car. The OT asked me how did I think I went. I told him I thought I went OK apart from the parallel parking. But he didn't think so. He told me that he didn't think I could drive safely (I was surprised that he could concentrate on the mobile phone and my driving at the same time) - I didn't do the shoulder check when I was changing lanes. I told him that I was watching the cars around me through the mirrors the whole time but they didn't think that was enough - they asked me if I could see the 'red car' in the mirror. Of course not - that car was parked on the other side of the road. He also mentioned that I couldn't do parallel parking and what if I have to go to the medical centre and I can't park outside. I accept the fact that I couldn't do parallel parking very well but I felt like telling him that I wouldn't want to go to this medical centre anyway - it's a bit dodgy and I don't like shopping at places that only accept cash. He said I should have a spinner knob on the steering wheel so I can drive with one hand - I mentioned this possibility to Tim before but he really hated the idea. He thinks I should try to use both hands or else my left side will never get better. The OT told me that he wanted me to have two driving lessons and then another assessment. I asked him how much would the driving assessment cost since I just paid $300 for this one. He told me it would be $165 and driving lessons at $35 per lesson if I take it from Tony. I didn't like this idea because I felt they just wanted to squeeze money out of me. I booked a lesson with Tony(unwillingly) and he said he'll take me around the same route they'll be testing me next time - I think this is clearly collusion. For a start, I think he has a conflict of interest. Secondly, I didn't like the fact that they would only take cash. Even when I had to pay the OT the $300, he didn't accept credit card. Fortunately, I had some cash I just got back from Medicare to pay him. I just don't have a habit of carrying a lot of cash with me.

This has just ruined my day. I was quite disappointed that I didn't get my licence back today. I was planning to drive to the supermarket this afternoon and do some grocery shopping on my own. Both Tim and I didn't think I was a bad driver. I was annoyed by the fact that I felt they just wanted to squeeze some money out of me but if I go to another OT driver assessor, I will have to start all over again and I'll have to pay more. Again, I think MECRS should be responsible for this one. Jacqui (OT from MECRS) was the one who gave me a list of OT driving assessors. They should have checked the credentials of these people before giving us the list.

When I got home from the medical centre, Tim was at the door. He's still unwell today has been working from home. I made some miso soup for lunch since neither of us had much appetite. I felt really lousy but the case manager from ARBIAS was coming at 2 p.m. I didn't feel like having the meeting but I thought this could be a better time for a meeting since I was not well enough to do my exercises anyway. She turned up at 2 p.m. but I couldn't remember her name. I told her that I wasn't feeling well but I couldn't find her phone number to cancel the meeting. She gave me another card - with her name, Gillian, printed on it. She brought some information pack from City of Melbourne - apparently there are a lot of services the council provide to people who have disabilities. She asked me about house cleaning. I told that I have been doing that myself - vacuuming and mopping. Apparently the council can provide house cleaning services but she told me it's usually means tested. I'm not sure if I want someone comes to our house to do the cleaning though. I think I'll be too fussy. Even after I finish vacuuming, I often see little fluffs on the floor and I pick them up by hands. I think both Tim and I agree that if you want something done exactly the way you want it, you have to do it yourself. While Gillian and I were talking, Tim rushed to the bathroom again - vomitting. He was so loud that I was a bit embarrassed. I told Gillian that Tim had food poioning and appologised for the loudness of his vomit but she didn't seem to mind. I guess in her dealings with people who had alcohol or drug abuse, she's probably used to people throwing up all the time! Gillian arranged for someone from City of Melbourne to visit next week so we can find out more about the services they provide.

18 February 2005

I had a physio session with Prema this morning. Tim woke me up before he went to do his workshop. He had to run a workshop for a group of lawyers this morning. I did my exercise bike and calf stretches before my session with Prema. Neil and I had a lot of questions for Prema. Neil got me into the habit of writing down all my questions in my exercise book whenever I have a question for Prema. The back section of the exercise has become Prema Question List! Every time Prema comes she will go through the list and write down the answers. She said it feels like sitting for an exam. Today, she did the same thing. One of our questions for her is what exercises can I do to prevent my left leg from going out when stepping up. I told her that Tim thinks I look like a dog peeing on a tree when I go upstairs. She thought about it and said yes, dogs actually do that - there is excessive hip abduction. That's interesting, I never thought the physio terms apply to animals as well but I guess they do in a way - they all relate to movements.

I showed Prema the variation of hip flexion exercise Neil got me to do - the one that I step onto the box with my left foot. She looked at me doing it a few times and suggested that I try to point my knee outward when I lift up my leg. She said there is a lot of internal rotation of the knee when I was lifting up my leg. I tried a few times concentrating on pointing my knee out when lifting up my leg and I think it helps. This reminds me of when I first tried to eat a piece of mandarin with my left hand, in order to reach my mouth, I kept sticking out my left elbow. After practising it while holding a pen under my arm for a while, the 'compensatory pattern' has gone away.

In the afternoon, I had my weekly session with Dale, the social worker. He was running a bit late today so we didn't have time to go to Lygon or Rathdowne St for coffee. He suggested we go to the cafe next to Naughtons. It's not really a cafe, it's just a milkbar that with a few tables outside and they sell coffee there. Since it's just across the road from Trinity College, a lot of college people go there. I didn't have much problem walking up there. I told him that I walked to St Carthages last Sunday. He was very pleased to hear that. He asked me what did the priest talk about on Sunday but I couldn't remember. It's a bit spooky that I couldn't recall that at all. I can remember the people sat in front of me and how I thought it was funny the father and one of the sons were asleep most of the time but I couldn't remember any of the preaching.

When we got to the shop, Dale asked me to sit down and he went to get my capuccino. I think I must have been an easy case for him - not too much of a problem compare to some patients. He thinks I've improved a lot and will continue to make progress but he doesn't know how long it will take for full recovery and he doesn't know when recovery will stop. I guess nobody really knows that. He also talked about handing my case over to CRS (Commonwealth Rehabilitation Services) in May and they will help me get back to work. He doesn't think I'll ble to go back to work just yet. He thinks fatigue will still be a big issue for me. He asked me if I thought about if I never go back to do what I was doing before or not going back to the ATO. I don't like thinking about that right now. I think it might be a bit early for me to worry about that. Apart from this confronting issue, I like our weekly sessions - usually I can find out a lot of gossips - like what happened to some staff or patients. I know it's really unprofessional to discuss other patients but sometimes I couldn't help my curiosity. Also, I can find out more about the staff such as who has resigned or moved to different departments. I found out from Dale today that Trevor, the social worker who looks after the in patients, has resigned and is going to child protection. Dale told me that's where Trevor came from and now he's decided to go back to that area. Now I can understand why those trashy tabloid sell - take me for example, even the very trivial information about certain MECRS patients or staff seem interesting enough for me - a bit pathetic, really.

On my way home, my mobile was beeping from my handbag. I probably missed a phone call and I think it could be Judy, my massage therapist. We have an appointment at 3.30 p.m. I didn't check my message until I got home and it was from Judy, just to let me know that she's running a bit late - she's always been very good like this(letting me know if she is running late or early). While I was waiting for her, I thought I'd type up today's blog so I didn't even hear her coming (into the gate) until she rang the doorbell. She's left her daughter's massage table here (her daughter does massage as well) so Prema could use it with me if needed. She checked my ankle and told me that it's a bit swollen but she thinks it could be the hot weather so no need to be alarmed. These days, she thinks my ankle is getting better - she could actually put it in a normal position without much inversion so whatever I'm doing must be good for me. When she finished, she got me to walk downstairs without holding on the rails (like Gavin did). She gave me an exercise to practice so I can walk down the stairs more easily - I need to stand at the bottom of the stairs and step down with my right foot so I need to bend my left knee and control it so my right foot can touch the ground. She said she'll check on my exercise when she sees me next week. I think I would have made a lot more progress if the staff at MECRS are more like her. She thinks that I've made a lot of recovery but not through the efforts of MECRS - but through help from friends like Neil and Rosemary. She's hoping that I can start my program at Epworth soon because I'm just wasting my time at MECRS and I've already wasted enough time there.

17 February 2005

I woke up around the same time this morning. I didn't have to go to the centre this morning so there was no need to rush. I did my exercise bike and some calf stretches first and then had a leisurely breakfast.

Rosemary came in the morning to help me with my exercises. First thing she asked me to do was to show her the exercise Neil got me to practice the other day for hip flexion - stepping on the box Tim made for me (when I first got home from the hospital, I was trying to do some exercises described in the Carr & Sheppard book - one of them involve stepping on the box with my left foot. I tried the stairs but the step was too high for me so Tim made up a box for me which is a lot lower than our staircase. I soon didn't need it anymore and have put it away until now) with my left foot in front of the mirror - this is to correct the compensatory pattern I have developed in walking up the stairs - sticking out my left leg like a dog pee on a tree.

I also mentioned to Rosemary that I was trying to do situps the other day but I couldn't do it and had to ask Tim to help me hold down my feet and Tim thinks it's because the muscles on my left trunk are not working so my right side was doing all the work. Rosemary thought about the exercises for the trunk and got on the floor started experimenting. She came up with a couple of suggestions. The first one is lying on my back (almost like when I'm doing situps) and my left arm reaches forward for my knee. The other one is lying on my side with my left hand reaches sideway to touch the floor. After doing these exercises for a while, I was a bit worried that I wouldn't be able to get up from the floor. Rosemary said she'll try to be like Gavin - push me very hard. She made me walk up and down the stairs many times as well! To finish off, she got me to do the reaching exercises - she points with a stick and I reach for it. Today, a beatiful green butterfly has replaced the mouse with pink ears.

I went to MECRS in the afternoon for my hydro and physio sessions. Fiona was not in the pool today. A new physio, Kerri, was there. She let me do my exercises by myself since I know them so well now - at one stage, she came over to see what I was doing and I had to explain to her that I'm actually doing the exercise on the next page but I haven't bothered to turn the page. She smiled and turned the page for me. These days, when I'm in hydro I try to exercise on my left arm's range of movement as well. For example, when lying on my back (with float), I try to do the shoulder abduction exercise and try to bring my left arm right above my head - a bit like when doing the back stroke except my arm stays in the water. I was at my usual corner and working hard until Kerri came to tell me it's time to get out of the pool. I guess I was concentrating on my exercises and had no idea that everyone else has gone!

I had a quick shower and rushed to my physio session. Fiona was in her office so I went into the physio gym and sat down on a physio couch. Fiona didn't seem to see me and I didn't feel polite to walk up to her office and interrupt whatever she's doing. I wanted to do some walking practice but there is an old lady hogging the walking rails. I think she is a new patient because I haven't seen her before. I think she might have had some sort of neurosurgery as well. The back of her head is all shaved. I'm not sure what she's doing at the walking rails because she's not really practising anything. I didn't want to be rude to her so I set the mirror up next to the wall and started practising walking between the wall and the rails. A few minutes later, another physio came to take the lady with shaved head away so I could have the walk rails all to myself.

Fiona finally came out of her office and was happy to see that I have set myself up. She asked me if I was tired after hydro. When I told her that I didn't feel tired, she put me on the treadmill and this time she made me do 10 minutes. I told her that physio and hydro sessions usually don't tire me out, I found looking after Lillian a lot more tiring. She said she knows because her daughter, Charlotte, is about 2 now and is going through the terrible 2s period by throwing tentrums a lot these days. I hate to think Lillian throwing tentrums.

After the treadmill, Fiona asked me what problems I have with my arm and my hand. I told her that I'm still having problem putting my arm behind my back like fastening the bras. She told me to sit on a physio couch and checked my shoulder. While she was manipulating my arm, I felt a sharp pain in the shoulder so I told her where it hurts. My shoulder is still a bit tight I think. Suddenly, I felt dizzy like I was going to black out and my ears were buzzing. I was really scared - I had similar symptoms before the operation except this time I didn't have the headache. I told Fiona that I felt a bit unwell and she noticed that I looked really pale so she told me to lie down for a bit. I was fine in a few seconds. I'm not sure what caused it but it could be due to the pain in my shoulder.

Tim came home earlier than expected. When I told Tim about what has happened and that I was worried, he just said ' you'll be allright'. I told him that's what he said last time. He thinks I worry too much. I commented on how early he got home today - I thought he'd come home the normal time - around 6.30 pm or 7 pm. He told me that he has to go and pick up Lillian from childcare. He's forgotten that Lillian is at my parents' place today! I sent him back to his office so I could use the computer for a while and finish my blog for today.

16 February 2005

I woke up this morning feeling very tired - Lillian head-butted me last night and kept me awake a little bit. Her eye is still a bit red this morning. Tim said the childcare worker told him that if she has runny eye today, she may not be able to attend the childcare today - they are worried about conjuctivitis I guess. Tim said she had a little bit of runny eye when she woke up this morning but he cleaned it for her and put a little bit of eye drop in her eye. I'm hoping that she'll be ok there today.

After Tim took Lillian to childcare, I was anxiously trying to get ready. I have an OT home visit today and I think Jacqui will take me to Highpoint Shopping centre to practise getting on and off the escalators. It's one of my goals to be able to get on and off the escalators safely. My timetable says our appointment is scheduled at 9.00 a.m. I have cleaned up the shower stool and decided it's time to return it to MECRS today - I was hoping to ask Jacqui to take it back with her. I was ready before 9.00 a.m. and have set up the computer in the study while waiting for Jacqui. When she hasn't turned up at about 9.15 a.m., I started to wonder if she's sick today and nobody has called me to let me know. I didn't want to waste to while waiting for her anxiously so I started doing some accounts for Tim's business - I know I won't be able to finish everything before she turns up but at least it can help diverting my attention onto something else.

While I was concentrating on the accounts, I heard a tapping on the window. I turned around and there's Jacqui. I opened the door and she asked me if I was ready to go to Highpoint - just as I expected. I have never been to Highpoint before so it was a new experience for me. While we were in the car, I noticed that Jacqui didn't have a disabled parking permit on the dashboard. I panicked a bit as I didn't bring mine with me. Jacqui assured me that there shouldn't be any problem with parking and it won't be too far to walk. I didn't have my AFO on so it was a bit more difficult to walk faster. The hinged AFO helps me lifting up my foot more easily so I can walk a little bit faster than when I'm just wearing the ankle brace. I told Jacqui that I haven't got my AFO on and she said Fiona actually reminded her to check if I have it on - it can correct the way I walk so my brains learn to walk properly. I told her that I'm just taking a break from it - I walked quite a bit in it on Sunday and yesterday and the arch of my foot was getting a blister from wearing it.

We walked up to the escalators and surprisingly, I didn't have too much problem with it. She accompanied me to get on and off the escalators a few times and the last time, she got me to do it by myself. I was ok with it. I found it a bit easier to step on with my left foot and get off with my right foot first. After that, she asked me if there is anything I need to get while we're there. I couldn't think of anything except the Clinque skin lotion that I alwys use. She told me there is a Myer store there so I thought I could just go and get that. We walked a fair bit but couldn't find the store. She's in a hurry to go back so I told her not to worry about it. On our way back to the carpark, we walked passed a bookstore. Jacqui wanted to show me the book "What to expect the toddler years". She knows I have the author's other book "What to expect the first year" and she thinks it would be good for me to get this one just to get some ideas about Lillian's development. I didn't tell her that her last idea about "Hug a Bub" was disastrous - now Lillian absolutely hates being held by me. She hated the "hug a bub" and every time Tim passes her to me she thinks I'm going to put her in the sling so she would start crying. Jacqui thinks I should have some play time with Lillian. She asked if it would help to get someone to be there a few hours a day so I can play with Lillian - I presume she means a nanny or a personal carer. I had the personal carer here a few times last year but she was really getting on my nerves. She would sit there and watch me while I was doing my exercises - something I found really annoying. Since our house is quite small, I don't think there's breathing space for me if I get a nanny or a personal carer. I know she has good intentions but I felt like telling her that you cannot learn parenting from a textbook so just let me figure it out myself. The book looks interesting enough so I bought it anyway. She told me to bring it with me to our next appointment. When we got home, I asked her to take the shower stool back - this marks a new phase in my recovery.

Steve, a friend from work, came to visit me in the afternoon. When I first started working there he was assigned to be my 'buddy'/mentor and we worked pretty well together. He commented on how much I've improved since he saw me last time (a few months ago). It's always good to catch up with some office gossips. The audit I was working on before I become sick is still going. Steve thinks it's cursed - all the people who worked on it had something happened to them - I had a brain tumour removed, another guy had a major operation on his stomach and has almost died, the audit leader's wife had a stroke a few months after the birth of her baby, and finally, Steve fell over before Christmas and broke his nose. It's a bit spooky to look at it this way.

15 February 2005

I had physio and Hydro at MECRS this morning. I was a bit anxious this morning, knowing that I won't be sharing a taxi with the retired doctor who lives in Gatehouse St. I was worried that the taxi won't turn up on time - like the ones I had late last year when every Tuesday morning I had to share a taxi with this mystery lady (apparently she lives in Carlton but the taxi drivers could never find her). Tim took Lillian to childcare before my taxi turned up. I didn't even have time for my morning coffee! - I was ready before 8.30 a.m. - the scheduled time for taxi pickup. It looked quite miserable outside - dark and wet - almost like a winter morning. I waited for a while in the study. Every time there is a sound of car engine, I looked out the window to check if it's my taxi. Finally, I saw a taxi coming from the other side of the street. I grabbed my stick and my backpack and opened the front door. It was my taxi except there is another passenger in the front seat. I had to take the back seat. This is quite difficult because it's not something I'm used to and there's less space to get in.

I got to the centre about 8.45 a.m. I went straight to the waiting area outside the physio gym. I could see Fiona in her office - that's a good sign, at least I know she's not caught up in a meeting. I waited till about 9.00 a.m. She was still in her office. I went into the gym and set up the mirror in front of the walking rails and started my walking practice. The gym was basically empty - a few patients were there waiting for their sessions to start. After a couple of laps (of walking), she came out and watched me walking. She commented on how much better my walking is but of course, I couldn't see that and didn't feel it. She sent me to walk on the treadmill (I think this has become part of the routine in my sessions with her now). She increased the speed a bit more but it was bearable for me. After I finished the 5-minutes treadmill, she asked me how I went with that speed. I told her that I didn't really notice the difference in the speed and it seemed fine to me. She said next time she'll get me to do a bit more - 10 minutes instead of 5 minutes. By this stage, the gym was getting more crowded. Michelle had set herself up doing the calf stretches. I met her when I was an in patient. She had an aneurysm and her left side was affected. She also has a baby - but her baby is a bit older than Lillian. I hadn't seen her for quite some time. She told me that she lives in Sunbury (not sure where that is but it sounds pretty remote anyway) and it's not covered by the rehab services (for taxi pickup) so she couldn't be treated as an out patient. Every few months, she comes back to MECRS as an in patient for a few weeks. She said she has passed her driving test so now she can drive here and be treated as an out patient. She has always been very nice and friendly but I have always been concious of the time spent in social chatting does not help me recovering physically so I had to get back to my exercises. That has always been a problem for me - I don't want to be seen as a snob but I felt anxious about the precious time I have in physio sessions so I never really had too much time to chat to the people I know.

Someone has switched off the light. A physio came to ask me if it bothers me without the light. I was wondering what's going on and then I noticed Sally (the girl who had an aneurysm 8 years ago) is there in her motorised wheelchair and she has very dark sunglasses on. She complained that she couldn't stand the light(even with the sunglasses on) and asked the staff to switch off all the lights.

Fiona gave me some exercises to do - mostly to do with starting running. I was exercising in the dark but it didn't bother me at all since I never liked the brightness or the glare of the sun anyway. Lisa, another physio at MECRS, told Sally that she'll have to switch on the lights - they're worried that people may fall over in the dark and it's too dangerous. So the lights were on again.

Neil came to help me with my exercises in the afternoon. He added another book to the Mt Everest pile and I was still able to reach the top of that pile. He also got me to do Prema's hip flexion exercise - stepping on a step with my left foot (in front of a mirror) and make sure that I don't stick out my left leg. He was a bit concerned that when he got me to walk up the stairs last week, my left leg was sticking out (Tim thinks it looks like a dog lifting up its leg to p on a tree). I suspect this is another compensation that my leg muscles do in order to achieve what I want it to do - a bit like when I first tried to eat madarins with my left hand, my elbow was sticking out and my OT, Danika, told me to hold a spoon or a pen under my arm when I eat with my left hand so I could not stick out my elbow. It took me a while to correct it but now it comes naturally!

I had another driving lesson this afternoon. I still felt a bit scared on the road - especially when a bus decided to overtake me from the left! I think I still need a lot more practice before I'm confident enough to drive on my own. The biggest problem I found today is that I couldn't turn the steering wheel very fast and as a result, I couldn't do the reverse parking properly. I told my driving instructor that I couldn't do it very well before anyway - Tim used to laugh at me when I had to park in front of our house because he'd be in the study and he could see me going in and out of the spot so many times before I could park the car properly. I'm having another lesson on Saturday and hopefully that's enough practice before my test on Monday.

14 February 2005

I didn't have any appointment this morning but I still got up around the same time. It's pretty hard to sleep in when Lillian is around. After Tim has taken Lillian to childcare, I started on my exercise bike. My legs are still a bit tired from yesterday - I walked to St Carthages for the Sunday mass and back (by myself) - first time I've attended a mass by myself since the operation.

Last week, I spoke to Catherine, a friend of my brother and sister in law, who visited me quite often when I was an in-patient at MECRS. I've asked her to come for afternoon tea today and she said she'd drop in around 4 p.m. This gives quite a bit of time to tidy up the house - at least the kitchen and dinning area. After cleaning up the dinning table (which was occupied by my exercise materials), I unloaded the dishwasher with my left hand(something that I do everyday now)and hung up the washings on the clothes line (mostly with my right hand although I know I should be doing this with my left hand).

I put on my contact lenses and started my to do list. I heard the front gate opened and it was Catherine. She turned up early! I felt a bit bad because she brought her lunch with her and it was too early to offer her the afternoon tea stuff I had prepared earlier. It's very nice of her to come to see me. She commented how much progress I've made since she last saw me. She noticed my pile of tax legislations and other books. I had to explain to her that I wasn't reading all those books - I use them for my exercises. I demonstrated Neil's Mt Everest exercise and she's quite impressed by what I can do now. I felt a bit anxious when talking to her. I couldn't help keep looking at her watch to check the time - I have a driving lesson at 2 p.m. and I still need to get ready.

Before I had a chance to make an excuse and use the bathroom, the doorbell rang - it's the driving instructor. I felt bad that I didn't really have much time to talk to Catherine and had to rush her off so I could have my driving lesson. She said she'll call me later to arrange a time we can go to their place.

The driving instructor seems ok - didn't ask any questions about what happened to me. I told him that I had a neurological event and have to go for another driving test. His car is a Toyota, which makes indicating easier (the indicators are on the right with Japanese cars). I was a little bit nervous since I haven't been driving for so long. He kept reminding me of the traffic rules etc but I couldn't remember a lot of them - I couldn't remember that you have to keep one car's distance when stopping(at a red light). I still found it a bit difficult to turn the steering wheel with left hand so when going around a roundabout or when turning, I found it a bit hard to control the steering wheel. I think I just need a bit more practice. I'm going to have another lesson tomorrow.

Tim picked up Lillian from the childcare centre later in the afternoon. I asked him if she had a good day, he told me no. Apparently, she's got hives. I don't even know what that is. I have to look up on the internet for that.

11 February 2005

I slept in a little bit this morning - still feeling very tired though. I'm getting a bit worried because I was feeling very tired before my operation. Tim thinks it may be because my brain is recovering quite a bit these days and it's normal to feel tired. I guess I'll find out when I go for my next scan.

After the exercise bike (which has become part of my morning routine when I'm not going to the centre in the morning), I was tryingt to get ready for my session with Prema. When I was in the shower, the phone rang. I didn't bother getting out of the shower and rush to the phone. Given that I received so many sales calls these days, I rather miss the phone call. If it's important, I'm sure the person will call back later. I was complaining to Rosemary yesterday the number of annoying phone calls I recived from market researchers and sales people in the last couple of weeks. The most annoying phone call I received was from someone who tried to sell me some investment product when I was busy cooking. They had sent us some information in the mail earlier but we threw them away. When he asked me if I have read it, I told him that I didn't because I threw it away - thinking that maybe this will end the conversation. I didn't expect him to ask me why I threw it away. I told him that I used to be a financial planner and I hated the industry and I don't believe in those products they're selling. I shouldn't have told him that because he said he's glad to hear that I was a financial planner because I should know not to leave my money in the bank and only getting 5% return while their product will get me 20% return. I was trying to get off the phone so I told him that I have to get back to cooking. He asked me' is cooking more important than investment?' I couldn't believe this! I didn't think I had to continue this conversation so I told him that I didn't want to talk to him and don't call me again. Rosemary told me she usually just tell the caller that they don't like intrusive phone calls and just hang up. I think I'll do the same next time. I guess there were probably lots of phone calls like that in the past but I didn't actually receive them because I was at work. Now I'm home most of the time, I tend to answer those phone calls more!

I switched on my mobile after the shower to find messages from Prema. She's not feeling well today and was trying to call me. I got back to her and rescheduled our session to next week. My next appointment of the day is with Dale, the social worker, at 3 p.m. All of a sudden, I have some time to clear my 'to do list', apart from doing my exercises. The first task is to book for a driving lesson. My driving test is on 21 Febuary so I need some practice before that. I called RACV and tried to make a booking but was told that there is a two weeks wait for the first lesson. My test is in two weeks time so I told them not to worry and started searching on the internet. I found 'Sprint Driving School' and booked a lesson with them for next Monday. Tim doesn't think I need any but I haven't been driving for so long I think I'll be too scared to drive by myself.

I had another meeting with Dale this afternoon. This time, we walked to the church I used to go before my operation - St Carthages on Royal Parade. It took us about an hour to get there and back. Dale thinks I'm so much more confident in walking outdoors these days. He also reminded me that when he first met me (around September last year after I was discharged from MECRS) , I couldn't lift up my left foot when walking - I used to have a material over the tip of my shoe so I could slide/drag my foot along on the ground. I've almost forgotten that. I guess I have made a lot of progress since I came home last September. I asked him in his experience with patients who had brain injuries whether the fatigue situations have improved. He told me that fatigue will improve over time - usually takes about a year or so. I'm glad to hear that because I'm a bit concerned that it's something I have to deal with always. I also asked him to follow up on a neuropsychologist test. I told him that I'm worried that there are still things not quite right but the impairment could be so subtle and people can't really tell the difference. For example, a couple of weeks ago, I had forgotten that I told Judy that Fiona didn't think a Botox in my leg would stop my ankle inversion so I told Judy again. When Judy told me that I've told her already, I was quite shocked and worried - I didn't remember that at all!

Neil turned up after my meeting with Dale. He's really cracking the whip this time. He made me go up and down the stairs so many times. When I was practising the 'one ball juggling', I dropped the ball and unfortunately it felt down the stairs - Neil made me go down the stairs to get the ball and when I came back, he made me to do a few more laps. He is so impressed with Gavin's 'pushy' style so he asked me if he should have a crew cut as well (like Gavin's). He checked my 'Mt Everest' exercise and thought it looked a bit easy for me now so he went to the study and found more books to add to the pile - there are 18 books on that pile now. I tried to reach to the pile again - it's a bit harder but not unachievable. When Tim got home, we got him to measure the height of the pile plus the bench. Tim measured it with a tape measurer - it's 187.5 cm. I'm only 175 cm so this is well above my head. Thanks to Neil and Rosemary, I think we have proved the rehab specialist at MECRS wrong. She said I may never be able to lift my arm above my head - I think I just did it this afternoon!

10 February 2005

Rosemary came to help me with my upper limb exercises. She said both her and Neil read my diary were very happy to hear about Gavin will work me hard if and when I go to Epworth. She must be influenced by Neil and Gavin - she's been pushing me pretty hard today as well. When she found out that I had difficulty going down stairs without support (like what Gavin got me to do yesterday), she made me go up and downstairs (with rails) at least 10 times! My thigh was very sore after that! Rosemary also brought a stake with her to point at various directions for me to reach for it- she used it last time as well. Last time she had a bow on it and this time, it's a mouse with pink ears. I think her cat, Peter, will be so envious of me if he finds out!

In the afternoon, I had my hydro and physio sessions at MECRS. In the hydro session, Fiona asked me if I'd be interested in joining a swimming group on Friday mornings. I told her that I'm interested but I wasn't much of a swimmer before. She told me that's ok because some people join just to learn how to swim. She said she'll get me to try swimming after I finish all my exercises. She put a float under my tommy and I was doing my breast stroke with my head above the water. This was so much better than last time I tried (must be around September or October last year). Although I still found it difficult to go in a straight line, at least I wasn't going in a circle last time. I'm pretty sure I was paddling with both arms and legs.

My physio session was not as exciting as my hydro session. I had a quick shower after hydro so I could get to my physio on time (my physio starts at 2.00 pm. same time my hydro finishe - I knowI wouldn't be there on time but I want to get there as early as possible). Unfortunately, the lift was not working so I had to wait for a while. By the time I got to the physio gym, it was already 2.20 p.m. The gym looked very crowded today. I spotted Fiona in her office but she's on the phone. I was quite anxious that time's ticking away so I went to set up the mirror in front of the walking rails and started my walking practice. Fiona came up to me later and asked me if I felt very tired from Tuesday's session - that she got me to work on the trampoline. I told her I was fine. I didn't tell her that I found Gavin's session much more tiring! She then put me on the treadmill again. She increased the speed again this time but I found it bearable. After the treadmill, she got me to do some quads exercises in keenling position - something I really hate because everytime I kneel, my ankle keeps inverting. Her other patients have turned up. I know from this point on, I would have to work on my own because she will have to attend to them. I did the exercises for a while and when it's 3 pm. I told her I had to go - I have a deep tissue massage appointment with Judy at 3.45 pm.

I told the receptionist that I'm ready to go home and thought she'd book a taxi for me. Being a staff at MECRS, I should know better. I was quite anxious to get home because I didn't have Judy's number with me, I couldn't ring her to let her know that I might be a bit late. About 3.25 p.m. the receptionist told me that she hasn't booked a taxi for me yet because there is someone else live in Parkville as well and I have to wait for him so we can share a taxi. I wish she had told me this earlier. I told her that I have an appointment at home at 3.45 p.m. but she said if they let me go first, they will need to issue another cabcharge for the other patient. I felt like telling her that it's not my problem if they have to do that. I probably saved them so much in taxi fares by living so close to the centre, imagine how much it would cost if I live in Epping.

Judy was already outside the house when I got home. She was so relaxed about it and commented that she's only been waiting for 2 minutes. I told her about my appointment with Gavin and she felt very excited for me. She said she couldn't help smiling. I also found out a bit more about her - she has a master in music and Phd in physics. She used to be a pianoist and was performing until 1994. This explains why she has such strong fingers! When I told her about how Gavin was trying to get me to go downstairs without rails and I had problem doing that, she tried to get me to practice that, too. It's very nice of her to be so enthusiastic about my progress.

9 February 2005

I had another appointment with Gavin at Epworth this morning. I didn’t have any other appointments this morning so I caught a taxi an hour before the appointment to allow for traffic. I got there about 10.30 a.m. (half an hour before my appointment). The receptionist told me to go straight in the physio gym. Gavin greeted me and told me to sit down on a physio couch. He said he wants to do more assessment today and then we can start on some ‘real’ work. I brought my notebook(I’ve been writing notes after each physio session since my in-patient MECRS days so I can refer back to it when I need to – a bit like attending a lecture or tutorial) and Neil and Rosemary’s exercise book with me to show Gavin. Last time, he asked me what do I do all day and Neil and Rosemary’s exercise book will answer the question. Neil set up such a system that I record all my exercises in that book and I get to tick them off every time I’ve finished one.

Gavin looked at them and told me that he will get me to work harder there. He did the assessment first. Similar to the ones Fiona has done, he timed me walking over certain distance and also walking backwards. After the assessment, he got me to do some exercises – standing on my toes – like those plantarflexion exercises. He then set up a mini trampoline (like to one Fiona used yesterday) and got me to do the same on the trampoline. It’s very hard stand tip-toed on the trampoline and push off. My left leg was very shakey. Gavin said it’s a good sign when it’s shakey because it means I’m pushing myself to the limit. I will learn to control the leg eventually.

He then got me to get on this machine – looks a bit like the gym equipment you do the leg press on. Well, I found out later that it is a bit like a leg press except I have to do it on alternate leg. So I push it off with one foot and land it on the other one – a bit like running while lying down. When I watched Gavin doing it, I thought it looked easy enough, I should have no problem doing it. I thought he said he’ll get me to do harder exercises! It’s not until I lied down on the bench and trying to push off my feet, I started to realise how difficult it was. I was able to stablise my right foot but my left foot was everywhere. In the end, Gavin had to hold my feet and try to get my feet to push off in slow motion – a bit like when Tim was teaching Lillian to crawl (a few months ago, Tim was a bit concered that Lillian wasn’t crawling and he was trying to teach her crawling in slow motion).

The final challenge is to go up and down the stairs without any support (no rails or stick). While the OT at MECRS was trying to get me carry Lillian up and down the stairs using a baby sling (ie, compensating for my weakness), Gavin thought there should be no problem for me to do that without the sling – I should train to go up and down the stairs without using the rails. I was trying to follow the ‘good foot goes to heaven and bad foot goes to hell’ strategy (when going upstairs, step up with the good foot first; when going downstairs, step down with the bad foot first). Gavin wouldn’t let me do this. He wanted me to do the way one would normally do – step up and down continuously – when going up, step up with one foot and the other one over the the next step. I have been stepping up with right foot first and the left foot up on the same level as the right foot, not over to the next step. Going upstairs without the rails was not too bad. I probably stuck my butt out a lot to keep balace but at least I did it! Going down stairs was a real challenge. In the past, I would step down with my left foot first and then the right foot down on the same step. Gavin wanted me to step all the way down with my right foot. This is very hard with holding the rails. I felt my left ankle was a bit unstable when I tried to step down with my right foot. I was trying to get away from doing it but Gavin wouldn’t let me slack off. He asked David to come and help out. It must looked funny – the two of them trying to get me to go down the stairs and my body was just resisting it! Gavin was trying to push my right foot down but my body was fighting against it. He told me to straighten my right kee and keep my weight on the right leg but I just couldn’t do it. When we finally reached the last step, he said the problem was not my left leg – I was having problem with my right side when I was going downstairs. He thinks the problem is more sptial perceptual. I suspect I had that problem even before the operation – I have always been hopeless with parking, especially parallel parking!

Gavin told me that they will check with my private health insurance and work out the funding issue and get back to me for my next appointment. He said once that’s sorted, he will talk to MECRS about it. I told him that I’m a bit concerned that MECRS will discharge me if it finds out that I’m having treatment at Epworth. Gavin asked me if this really matters because he thinks my time will be better spent at Epworth than MECRS. I told him that I’m currently getting two sessions of physio and two sessions of hydro each week. He told me it depends on how much my health insurance will fund but he doesn’t think hydro is that crucial for me now. He thinks I can work on a lot harder things on land. He said I could have a physio session once a week and the other 4 days I can go to a gym and work on my fitness. This sounds really positive. When I got home from physio this afternoon, I felt really tired. It's the first time I felt really tired after a phsio session - it's the first time a physio worked me very hard. I think I have finally found that ‘cockroach in that energy drink commercial’!

8 February 2005

I plan to update my diary on a daily basis but it doesn't always happen due to various reasons. I had terrible problems with my laptop and internet today and have not been able to update my diary at all. I feel very bad about it because I know Neil and Rosemary have been reading my diary with interest and I 've promised Neil that I would update it daily.

I woke up before the alarm clock went off this morning. It was still dark outside. I looked at the time and it was only 6.00 a.m. I’m usually anxious on Tuesday mornings – I know I have to get up and get ready to go to my physio session at MECRS. Lillian must be a bit tired. She didn’t wake up until 7.30 a.m.

I’m a bit anxious about the taxi this morning. It’s pouring outside and when the whether is like this, the traffic is usually bad. Tim took Lillian to childcare just after 8.00 a.m. (a bit earlier than usual but he has too much work to do so the earlier he takes her there, the earlier he can start working). To my surprise, the taxi actually turned up on time – just about 8.30 a.m. I had to walk to the taxi in the pouring rain – can’t really handle a stick and an umbrella at the same time. I wonder if they sell stick with detachable umbrella, it would be quite useful, I think.

We then went to pick up the retired doctor who lives in Gatehouse St. I had to remind the taxi driver to pick him up and where to go. I wonder what happens when they pick up patients who really have memory problems. Would they know where to take them? The taxi driver took a different route this morning (usually we go by Royal Pde). I’m not familiar with the Flemington Rd route to MECRS and the taxi driver was driving quite fast and we went through the wrong gate. Again, I had to direct him where to go. All these time, the retired doctor sitting in the back thought the taxi driver knew exactly where to take us and was very impressed by that. I hate to think what would happen if I leave him in the taxi by himself!

We got to the centre fairly early so I sat down next to the retired doctor and chatted for a while. He told me that this is the last time he’s coming to the centre on Tuesday mornings. They’ve changed his appointments to Wednesdays. This is sad news for me. I quite enjoy sharing the taxi with him – at least, I know the taxi would turn up on time. I guess next Tuesday morning will be another test of my luck with the taxi!

I got to the physio gym around 9.00 a.m. and Fiona was not there yet. I sat in the waiting area for a while. 10 minutes later, there is still no sight of her and I didn’t want to waste too much time so I went into the gym and sat up the mirror in front of walking rails and started my walking practice. When Fiona turned up, she got me to get on the treadmill for a while and went away. After I finished the treadmill, she got me to get on a mini trampoline and practice bouncing off my feet. She said this is the preparation for running. She also mentioned that she learned this from Gavin, the physiotherapist from Epworth, who recently submitted his PhD thesis on running. I did this for a bit while she’s treating another patient. It seemed to be such an easy exercise but I just couldn’t do it! Time seemed to have passed quickly. Before long, it’s time for my hydro session.

7 February 2005

I had an appointment with an OT driving assesser this morning. My alarm clock went off at around 7.00 a.m. but Lillian was still asleep so I didn't get up until she was awake. I had another shower standing up this morning (yesterday, I decided that it's time I ditch the shower stool and just have a shower like I used to). It's a little bit tricky at first but I got used to it quikly.

Tim was already feeding Lillian breakfast when I was in the shower. I fed Lillian some of my toast and a few bites of my nectarine and she was ready to go to childcare. Tim took Lillian to the change table and changed her into the clothes I picked for her last night. I put on some sunscreen on her face and arm after cleaning her face and hands. Tim decided to walk there today so he put her in the pram and went.

I took a taxi to my OT driving assessment. There is no OT who does the driving assessment at MECRS so I had to find one elsewhere. I found one in Sydney Road, Brunswick(about 5 minutes drive from my house). I got there quite early so I had to wait for a while. While I was waiting, I took a seat that's facing the window so I could observe the walking styles of the passerby. Maybe I notice it a lot more these days - I found that a many people tend to limp a bit when they are walking. I don't know whether they are aware of that.

The first part of the driving assessment is the off-road test. The OT checked my vision, inluding visual fields and my muscle strengths in my arm and leg. He commented that fortunately I drive an automatic car because he didn't think I could drive a manual car. I'm booked in for an on-road test in two weeks.

After I got home from my appointment, I was working like a good house wife - I did the laundry and put the washing on the clothes line. Unloaded the dishwasher using my left hand and put a new load on (also with left hand). I then cooked Lillian some dinner. I also followed a recipe in the Australian Table magazine - Lamb chops with tomato and basil sauce. It was a bit disastrous - I think I over-chopped the tomatoes, peppers and onions - they look a bit like puree instead of finely chopped. I thought it would be easier to use my 'mini whizz' - the food processor I use to prepare Lillian's food. Well, I'll have to see Tim's reaction when I serve dinner!

4 February 2005

Today is a very special day - it's Lillian's 1st birthday. She is at my parents' place so we'll visit her tonight. Tim has too much work to do this weekend so we have decided to leave her there till Sunday night.

I had a deep tissue massage session with Judy this morning. Today is also her birthday but she's kind enough to work on her birthday (she usually have Fridays off). I told her about my appointment with Gavin on Wednesday and she's very happy that they thought I could do better because that's what she thought, too. She said if she didn't think I could be better, she wouldn't bother treating me every week.

I had a meeting with Dale, the social worker, in the afternoon. We went to Rathdowne Street for our coffee this time. I told him that I'm a bit stressed out thinking about being discharged around end of March. He was a bit surprised at the date. I told him that Fary Khan told me that I'll be discharged in around end of March and I should be thinking about going back to work. He told me it would be around early May acccording to his understanding and it's still way too early for me to go back to work. He doesn't think I'll be able to go back and work full time just yet. I'll probably start with a few hours a day and gradually increase the hours. Like everyone else at MECRS, he said fatigue is a real issue for people who have had brain injuries. Tim doesn't belive that's true(even though Prof Kaye said the same thing when I asked him before Christmas). I refused to believe that until Lillian moved back with us - I started to feel tired more easily. Maybe there is a lot more to do when she is around.

Neil came around later in the afternoon. As usual, he checekd my exercise book to see if I have been doing my exercises. I got into a bit of trouble for not updating the diary everyday - this is why I'm madly typing away this week's diary all at once. I suspect there has been some natural recovery in my brain this week. A lot of things I couldn't do before, I suddenly can do it more easily now. For example, I always had a bit of problem with Neil's Mt Everest exercise. He always had to remind me not to do a 'shotput'. Since the pile(of books) is quite high, he said my arm tends to stop at a certain point and instead of going forward and up, my arm tends to go backward and up - a bit like playing shotput. Today, that problem seemed to have gone away and I can do it a lot easier now.

Tim and I went to my parents' place for dinner. We bought a birthday cake from Brunetti for Lillian. She seemed to know something was going on. She didn't want much dinner but had plenty of appeitite for her birthday cake.

2 February 2005

I'm quite looking forward to today. I have an appointment with a physiotherapist, Gavin Williams, at Epworth Rehab Centre. This is the assessment I've been waiting for since I saw John Olver, a gait specialist, two weeks ago The purpose is to find out whether I can have a Botox injection in my leg to stop the ankle inversion. My one big concern is whether I'll be able to get there on time after my appointment with the rehab specialist at MECRS, Dr Fary Khan.

Tim dropped Lillian off at childcare at 8.30 a.m. before taking me to MECRS. He had to get to his workshop by 9.30 a.m. so he had to drop us off early. I was at the clinical centre before 9.00 a.m. and my appointment with Fary was scheduled at 9.30 a.m. Knowing Fary, I would have to wait for a while. From my previous appointments with her I know she would always be late, the question is how late since I have to get to Epworth (in Richmond) by 11.00 a.m. or 11.30 a.m. the latest. I also have to count in the time to wait for a taxi. I sat at the waiting area reading some trashy magazines and anxiously waiting for Fary's arrival. She didn't turn up until about 9.45 a.m.

She ushered me to the same consulting room as last time. She talked a lot but nothing really important. She checked my arm and commented that my arm has improved a lot. I told her that I worked very hard to get that. She said she knows. She also said that I shouldn't expect 100% recovery. I told her that I don't expect 100% recovery, I'm aiming for 110% recovery. She looked at me and said she knows I'm always ambitious but I should not aim for too high or else I might be disappointed. She was the one who told me that I may not be able to lift my affected arm above my head ever. When I told Neil about it, he didn't believe that at all has worked tiredlessly with me - like the Mt Everest exercise. Now I can definetely lift my left arm above my head. It just proves how wrong she was! I really didn't think the meeting was useful. Apart from her usual pessimism, the other annoying thing was that she left her mobile phone on and she had to answer it a few times - every time she answered it, she had to leave the room and I had to wait for her. I think that's very unprofessional of her. I would never do that to my clients when I was working. I certainly can't imagine her doing that if I was her private patient. I was pretty keen to end the meeting so I can get to my next appointment. She mentioned that they are thinking of discharging me end of March. She said they had been pretty good to me that I have been treated (for free) for so long. She said other patients wouldn't stay for this long. I felt like saying to her that firstly, it wasn't free - I had to pay tax and it's all taxpayers money. Also, I remember there is this partner at a chartered accounting firm used to tell us (about clients who are stingy with fees), "you pay peanuts, you get monkeys". Look at the bunch of 'monkeys' I got at MECRS! I felt like telling Fary that but I was pretty keen to get out of there asap so I can get to my next appointment. When she started talking about sexuality AGAIN!!!, I just thought I didn't have time to listen to her crapping on trying to be Dr Feelgood so I told her that I had to go and she wanted to see me again after Easter.

Despite of the pouring rain and traffic, I actually got to Epworth not too late. When I went to the reception desk, someone came up to me and told me that Gavin had to go to the hydro pool and will be back soon. He then ushered me to the physio gym and sat me down. He called the pool but couldn't find Gavin there. He then went around like a headless chook trying to locate Gavin for me. Every few minutes or so he would come back and assure me that Gavin shouldn't be too long. What a contrast of service compares with MECRS! If this was MECRS, I would be the headless chook - wondering around looking for Gavin.

Finally, Gavin turned up. He assessed my arm and my leg. He commented on how well my arm has recovered (he got a copy of the MECRS Sept 04 discharge report - I obtained a copy from my GP and gave it to John Olver last time so he knew how bad it was before). I told him that my friends and I worked very hard on that. He asked me what do I do in physio. I had to think very hard to answer this question. I don't actually do all that much these days in my physio sessions. After the assessment, he commented that I could be better. I looked at him, didn't quite understand what he meant. He explained that he thinks there is a lot of improvement can be made. If I go there for treatment, I should be running by June this year. Apart from Prema, my private physio, this is the first time a rehab physio has said anything positive about my prognosis. I wish I was there in the first place. I noticed that there are a lot of young paitents around. He told me the average age (of the patients)is under 25 and most of them had motor accidents.
I think I have finally found someone who specialise in neuro rehab who has a positive attitude. I think there is lot to be said for being in a rehab place where there are a lot of younger patients. The expectation is higher! I also start to loose faith in the public health system. Tim always says public hospitals are better than private ones because you get the best doctors there. It might be true for hospitals but for rehab places it might be a bit different.

Gavin told me that I probably shouldn't have a Botox because injecting it in the tibialis anterior muscle will cause my foot to drop. He will talk to John Olver about it. I have another session with him same time next week.

1 February 2005

Another Tuesday morning. Lillian must be tired from the childcare place. She actually slept in a bit this morning. She usually wakes up at 7.00 a.m. - like our alarm clock. This morning she didn't get up until 7.30 a.m.! I've already bathed her and packed her bag last night so after feeding her and changing her clothes, she's ready to go to childcare.

The taxi turned up a little bit later this morning. I suspect he doesn't know where he's going. I had to remind him to pick up the other passenger - the retired paediatrician who lives in Gatehouse Street. I then had to direct him on how to get to MECRS. Fiona was late again. I waited for her for a while and was getting quite anxious so I went into the physio gym and set up a mirror in front of the walking rails and started practising walking. After a few laps, Fiona turned up but was too busy worrying about her other patient, Andrew, has not shown up yet. Again, I felt this session has not been productive, I could practise this at home in stead of using my valuable session time - it's a bit like when Tim and I were training in ballroom dancing, we would practice in our own time, not during our dance lesson.

Tim went to pick up Lillian from the childcare centre around the same time. Tim said the childcare worker told him that Lillian had a wonderful day. She was the best baby in her class. She didn't cry at all. I noticed that she was in pretty good mood when she came home. I fed her some dinner but she wasn't very hungry and didn't eat much. After we had our dinner, I bathed her and gave her a bottle and she felt a sleep quite quickly. By this stage, I felt quite exhausted already but I still had to pack her bag (organise what she's wearing the next day and pack nappies for her). I realised that I need to plan my days better when she is around. The truth is, unless I do my exercises during the day, I won't have the time nor energy to do any exercises after she comes home in the evening.

31 January 2005

Today is Lillian's first day at the child care centre at Melbourne Uni. They have considered my disability and accepted her this year. Originally, we were hoping to send hvber to the Wimble Street Childcare centre (just across the road from our house) but unfortunately, their policy is to take priority of the siblings of the existing children at the centre. Tim tried calling them to make an appointment to see the co-ordinator to see if they will make a special consideration for Lillian because of my disability. They were not helpful at all! Although Lillian is already on the waiting list (since last year), she is at the bottom of the list because the other babies already have siblings at the centre and they get first priority. They told Tim that there's no way Lillian could get in this year. I felt like saying to the parents (all the parents are committee members)that I wish they will never be sick - because I'd never thought this could happen to me. I just hope that other people will be more compassionate when they have fallen ill. Very few people would think about their own mortality when things are going fine with them. It's very easy to forget how vulnerable we all are.

I packed Lillian's bag last night so I didn't have to rush in the morning. My mum called about 8.30 a.m. to tell us that she's stuck in the traffic and will meet us at the childcare centre. She's so worried that Lillian would not settle at childcare so she planned to spend half a day there with Lillian. Tim and I took Lillian to the 'Wombat Room' - for kids between 11 to 18 months. Many kids were there already and most of them were crying. It was quite chaotic. Lillian didn't seem to mind all the chaos. She's been standing at a cornor and was playing by herself. We left after my mum turned up. Tim had to take me to my orthopaedic appointment.

Martin Richardson, my orthopaedic, checked my shoulder and was very impressed with the result. He said the subluxation has completed gone and it's now time for more strength training. Thanks to Neil and Rosemary that my arm and shoulder have recovered well!

My mum dropped in around 1.30 p.m. She said Lillian seemed to be fine at the childcare centre so she left her there. She's a bit worried that no one paid any attention to Lillian because she wasn't crying while all the other kids were crying.

Neil came around later in the afternoon to help me with my arm exercises. Again, he was pushing me hard - a bit like that cockroach in the energy drink commercial!