24 March 2006

Very BIG news today - I'm running!!! I had my my physio at Epworth this morning and I think it's official that I can run because Gavin told other people that I can run and also videoed me running. He said it would be good to video me running now and compare it in a few months. I didn't know I could run (or it's counted as running) because I'm really lobsided and my feet are wide apart when I run. This is really exciting me for me because I have been working very hard at this for some time now and is a bit frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere. I remember when I was still at MECRS, Jane, the physio who treated me when I was an in patient, said I'd be running by the next Olympics. That's still 2 years away! I'm lucky that I have been referred to Epworth and found Gavin there.

I have been dreading this afternoon for a few days now. Ever since I had the incident with Alex, the operations manager at the sports centre, I became very worried that he'd pick on me again when I go to his class. I planned to go this afternoon because there is Body Step right after Body Pump so I can attend one after another. When I was at physio, I asked Gavin about the exercises we were going through on Wednesday and he was supposed to make comment. He handed me two envelopes - one for Alex and a copy for me. I was surprised that he's so organised.

I wasn't so sure about my 3 remaining planned sessions after I return from physio. I did lots of running and was a little bit tired. I planned to go to the gym and then attend Body Pump and Body Step. When I called Tim after lunch and told him about my plan and that I wasn't sure whether I should go, he said ' I don't say this often but don't you think you're pushing yourself too hard?' I couldn't believe my ears! It's unlike him to say something like that. I had to push myself in going to the gym and then drag myself to the sports centre to attend the classes. I got to to the sports centre an hour before the class starting time to make sure I could get a ticket to Body Pump when they start distributing tickets. When I went around the corner to check the timetable and instructors for the classes, I saw Alex walking towards me. I felt really uncomfortable and couldn't decide whether I should say hello to him or just pretend I didn't recognise him. He said hello to me and I was surprised that he remembered me and my name. He said he's spoken to Gavin and received the letter in the email. I told him I have the original letter and handed him the envelope. He said he was trying to explain to Gavin that Body Pump is not just your normal weight training because there're so many repetitions and you go through them so quickly in the class. I told him I would not use weights for squats and lunges and that I will only use the bar for overhead presses. He said that's fine and he demonstrated how I should do my squats - stick out my butt rather than just going down straight. I told him I'll be going to his class later anyway.

I went to the BodyPump class and everything was fine. He didn'y pick on me this time. He came around and helped me a bit when we were doing the tricep pushups but didn't say anything. I didn't get a chance to talk to him afterwards because Body Step was right after so I don't know whether he thinks I'm ok to continue attending the class. I think he noticed I was staying for BodyStep because I saw him hanging around for a bit just to watch what I was doing. I had a platform/step in front of me but didn't actually use it. I always do that in BodyStep. People probablt think I'm insane because I don't use so why bother. It's my strategy of creating a bit of space for myself so people don't get to close to me and block my way. Unlike Body Pump, there is no restriction on number of attendants so it can get very crowded sometimes. I think i made a mistake by getting a backcorner spot in BodyStep because when we turned to face the wall I had nobody in front of me to follow - something for me to think about next time.

I quite like the Body Step instructor, Tracey and would always talk to her before and after the class. I told her I'm still finding it hard to keep up but is slowly getter better. She said she's glad to see me keep coming to the class. I told her this was my 4th session of the day. She said I'm an inspiration for many people. I don't think I am because not many people know what happened to me but it was nice of her to say that anyway.

22 March 2006

I'm feeling really drained from yesterday's drama. I still haven't got over the humiliation fully. I think I just complained to everybody about it - even my mum. My mum was reminding me of the Christian values we should have and I should just forget and forgive Alex. I'm not sure I can do that easily. I feel guilty that I actually wish he rots in hell. I don't know how Jesus could go through it all and be crucified on the cross for us. Frankly, I don't think we, the human race, are worth it. I often feel that way, especially when I go to the church and people give me this rude stare. Sometimes, I wonder why do I bother at all but I think I need my faith to keep me positive while facing this big challenge in my life.

I went to my usual Wednesday pilates this morning. I got up about 5 something just to make sure I get there early enough to get in. I like the fact that the mind and body studio is always dark so even with the lights switched on the room is not that bright. It helps me a bit because I don't feel so embarrassed when there is something I can't do. There is always something I can't do in the class so I'm used to it now. Today, the instructor finished off with a balance exercise - so ridiculously hard for me. It starts with standing and then lift up the left leg up to the side so the left hand can grab the foot and hold it in that position. I think there is a movement like this in figure skating which I used to be able to do - when I was in primary school. Here is another exercise for me to work on at home.

I went to Brunetti to get a cake for Gavin on my way to physio. I thought I should get him something just to thank him for helping me out yesterday. I really appreciated that he took the trouble to sort out Alex for me. I think at one stage I was a bit weary of going to Brunetti because lots of people sit outside have their coffee and I didn't like to be stared at. It wasn't crowded this morning but more importantly, I didn't seem to feel the same intimidation as I had before.

When I got to the physio treatment room, Gavin wasn't there. While i was waiting, I went and picked up a trampoline and set it up against the wall - the usual spot I do my warm up running practice. I had to carry it across the room. I guess I could ask someone to help me but I don't like to be treated as disabled so I did it myself.
I know this sounds strange but the only person who can call me a disabled person is I. I really hate it when people refer me as a disabled person.

When Gavin came in, he showed me the email Alex sent him. Apparently, the saga is not quite over yet. Alex has sent him the routines, including the repetitions and wants him to go over those with me and write down some notes as to what I can or can't do and modified versions if any. Alex basically wants a medical clearance from Gavin and also guarantees that they are not responsible for my injury. I think this is pretty ridiculous because how can Gavin guarantee something when he is not even there? I told Gavin I was going to just avoid going to Alex's classes but when I checked the board today i realised that the only ones I can go are unfortunately taken by him so I can't avoid. Gavin said he thought about that but then he remembered that Alex is the manager there and if an instructor is sick or away, he will probably take it. Gavin also mentioned that Alex asked him what classes do I attend and when Gavin told him Body Pumps and Body Step, he freaked out about Body Step. He told Gavin it's even harder and I might fall and hurt myself. Gavin told him I haven't had any injuries yet but he said I was just lucky. Gavin told him if I only went once or twice then i might be lucky but I have been going there for a month and I was fine. Gavin told me if I think I'm the only one who is having this problem then I'm wrong. He told me lots of people had this problem. I was surprised to hear that. I asked him if his other patients go to classes as well, he said some do but not as much. He said they don't push themselves as hard as I do. I suspect they are mostly guys and attending classes is more of a female thing I think. Besides, i don't think i push myself hard enough. I had 10 gym sessions and classes combined last week but if I was pushing myself really hard, I should probably have 15 sessions. He said some people have problem with gyms because some gyms don't think they fit the 'image' because they look different or walk funny. He said he didn't think that's the problem in my case. I think that's terrible of those gyms to do that because as time go on I feel more and more that beauty is just skin deep and whatever you have today can easily be gone tomorrow. I would never have dreamt this would happen to me. I really want to have a full recovery and be able to do something to help the disabled because I think people who have disabilities need a voice.

We spent most of the session on running. Gavin had another patient there today. I think his name is also Alex and he can run. I saw him running down the hall way and it's interesting to watch him. It's interesting to see that although his running is not normal, a bit lobsided, like his walking. At least, he can run and he can run quite fast too. This is the first time I have seen someone who had a brain injury running.

I spent a lot of time trying to get this forward falling motion happening. Apparently, to be able to run, you have to have your weight falling forward. I practiced this for a while but not enough was happening so Gavin asked Libby, a physio assistant, to accompany me to the carpark where there is this big slope and practice running down the slope. I thought this was a bit strange and did what I was told anyway. To my surprise, after practising running down the slope for a while, I found it much easier to fall forward when I was trying to run down the hallway. Gavin said I just need to do lots of this so he'll get me do practice this again next time. I'm really glad he is back because I think he really knows about running and knows what I need to work on to be able to run.

On my way home, I was thinking about the issues Alex brought up. I think I should ask Tim if he has a contact at Melbourne uni at the law school who may know something in this area. I wonder if they can use medical grounds to refuse my membership for classes and whether being female and Asian and disabled will help in my case. I just need to know where I stand because I'm worried that I might be ok for now but what about a few months down the track or when my membership is up for renewal?

On another note, I went to my first cardio box class last Saturday. Tim went there with me and we both found it interesting and fun so we bought our own boxing gloves and plan to do this regularly. The instructor of the class, Erica, is also a physio so she understands my problems. I thought it's a bit strange when she asked me how dense was it (my hemiplegia) after I told her I'm recovering from hemiplegia because most people don't even know what it is not to mention asking about how dense it was.
I think boxing is good because it works on my speed and coordination which I have none at the moment. I would like to start with cardio box and when I'm confident enough, I'd like to try Thai boxing because I think that also involves kicking so I need to have good balance.

I told Gavin today that going to all these classes is just the preparation for getting back into ballroom dancing. I think once I have mastered all the classes, I can try dancing. I didn't tell him this was actually inspired by John Olver, the rehabilitation specialist. I haven't finished my previous blog but I had an appointment with John last week and he was basically saying I won't have a full recivery and I won't be able to dance. Before seeing him, I must say I didn't think about going back to dancing that much now because as time go on, the chance of being able to do it again just seems more remote. But since he said I won't be able to, i will have to prove him wrong like I proved the physio and specialist at MECRS wrong (with the help of Neil and Rosemary)when they said it would take me 2-3 years (or never) to drink a cup of tea with my left hand and I may never be able to lift my left arm up above my head. I think sometimes if you want something bad enough you will get it. Gavin agreed that's the right step in going back to dancing. He never said I won't to do anything. In fact, he is always pushing me and telling me I should be able to do certain things such as pushups. I think that's what makes him a good physio - a positive attitude. I've never heard him telling his patients they won't be able to do certain things. He is always on my case whenever he asks me to do something and I said I can't. He said that's something that's not allowed in physio - not allowed to say 'I can't'.

21 March 2006

I had a very frustrating morning so despite a few earlier blogs are still in production, I have to publish this one just to get something off my chest.

I made an effort to get up at 6 a.m. while it's still dark outside so I can get to the 7.30 a.m. Body Pump class. I was surprised to find so many people had the same thing in mind. There were 44 people in the class.

I think I made a mistake by telling the instructor that I have some mobility problem and am recovering from hemiplegia because he kept picking on me in the class despite I hid at the back corner. After the class, he told me to see him after I pack up. I thought he was going to tell me I'm doing fine and would give me some pointers on the exercises. I was totally wrong. He told me he didn't think this class is right for me. In fact, he added, he doesn't think I should attend any of the classes because there are too many people in the class and the instructor couldn't possibily keep an eye on me all the time. He said my balance was so bad he was worried that I might injure myself. I told him I didn't think I was anywhere near injuring myself since I was using the lightest weight. He said my barbell was tipping over to one side and I could fall over and hurt myself. I told him my physio thinks I'm ok to attend the class. He thinks not only I shouldn't attend Body Pump. I should not be allowed top attend all classes because that puts pressure on the instructors to keep an eye on me and it's too dangerous for me. It turned out that he is also the operations manager at the sports centre. He then mentioned something about 'duty of care' crap. I feel like saying to him 'don't give me this bullshit, I'm a Chartered Accountant and a financial planner and i think I know enough about duty of care to say I don't think it applies in this case'. I think he's taken this concept to the extreme. I wonder if he is studying at the momement so he uses 'duty of care' loosely.

He told me he thinks I should have personal training or work at the gym. I told him i go to the gym everyday anyway and I have had personal training before. I told him my physio didn't think it's a problem for me to attend classes. He asked me who my phsyio was. He thought it's someone from the sports centre. I felt like saying ' are you kidding? I need a neuro physio not just someone fresh from uni who works at the uni sports centre.' In the end, he told me I cannot attend classes until my physio speaks with him. At first, he asked for a signed declaration from the physio but I told him i don't think my physio would do that so he said as long as my physio calls him and talk to him about it, it's ok.

I was almost in tears by this stage but managed to fight back the tears. I felt like I was discriminated against because I have a (mild) disability and my self-esteem is low. I didn't want to cry in front of him and give him the satisfactiion of 'kicking an under dog'. I told him I'll speak to my physio and went to the gym.

I don't remember what I did at the gym because I was so disturbed by this incident. When I was on the Cross Trainer, Mike, the owner of the personal training group, came up to me and told me he just had a phone call from Alex, the operations manager of the sports centre. Apparently he was checking on me. Mike said he told Alex I had many personal training sessions with them and know what I'm doing. I felt a bit uncomfortable with this because Alex obviously didn't trust me and had to call the personal trainer to check my story. Mike is nice enough but I don't want him to think that I might be going back for personal training.

When I got home, I called Gain straight away to ask him for help but he was not there so I left a message. I guess I was really anxious because I called again just around 11 am - the time I think Gary normally sees him, thinking he'll have to be there. He was busy so they told me he'd call me back later. I hopped on the internet and sent him an email. When I was writing the email, I think it's a good thing I didn't get to speak to him because I was all emotional and I think I'd break down in tears if I had to tell him the story. Sometimes, it's a bit easier to write than to talk to someone on the phone.

I was very tempted to call Neil or Rosemary just to get it off my chest. I felt very hard done by. It's hard enough to go through what I've been through. The last thing i need is for someone to put me down like this. I felt my self esteem was completely shattered. Why couldn't people understand how hard i had to work just to get to this stage - something people just take for granted. I think it's very unsympathetic of him to just write me off like that. I didn't end up calling either of them because I was worried that Gavin may be returning my call while I'm on the phone.

Gavin called me back eventually. I was surprised to find that he's already read my email and talked to Alex for me. I think Alex was very determined to get rid of me from the classes because Gavin had to remind him that I could sue them for discrimination when he insisted that I should not be allowed to go because there is too much risk for them. Gavin said in the end Alex agreed to me attending the class provided that Gavin go through some exercises with me. Apparently. Alex will email Gavin the exercises in the Body Pump classes so he can go through them with me. That's the condition he negotiated for me, which is pretty good. I'm still upset with Alex, or Melbourne uni sports, for that matter. I have been quite unhappy with the way the classes and tickets system work for some time. It's very inconvienent for someone like me to get there early enough to get a ticket since I'm not on campus all the time. Gavin also told me he said to Alex something like ' do you know it takes so much courage for someone like Teresa to attend the class'. I almost burst into tears when I heard that because he obviously understands what I have been through and I always feel my effort is not recognised or acknowledged by people (in general). I think I'll check the class timetable and instructors carefully next time and try to avoid Alex's classes in future.

10 March 2006

A quick update on my progress/condition. My case manager at work has decided to increase my work hours from next week. I will be working 5 hours on Mondays and 2 - 3 hours on Thursday. They allow me to work from home on Thursdays to start with so I'm not complaining too much. I had a shoulder MRI in early February and I only got the result when I went to see my orthopaedics, Martin Richdardson, the week before. The MRI showed I have shoulder bursitis. Since it's not causing me much grieve at the moment, I refused to have another cortisone injection when Martin mentioned it. Even though he said I can have as many (cortisone injection) as I want, I still don't feel comfortable since it's basically a type of steroid.

I have been going to the gym diligently. It's a bit unpleasant now the students are back. There is almost no off-peak period at the gym now the semester started. Apart from working out at the gym, I also went to some group fitness classes. Tim accompanied me to the BodyStep (aerobics class using adjustable platforms) and BodyPump (exercises using weight adjustable barbells) classes in the last couple of weeks. I know I can probably attend on my own but I found it a bit scary and intimidating at the moment especially it's mobbed by students. I think I got to a stage that I feel quite comfortable and confident going to the gym on my own but not so when I go to the classes. The only class I have been attending on my own is pilates. I think it may be because I started with the short course and I try to go to the class taken by the same instructor who taught the short course so I feel I already know someone and am more used to the way she runs the class.

I think it's good to go to these classes because I tend to always find new problems in the classes - the things I should be able to do but cannot do (yet). I know I can do lots of strength training at the gym but I think my muscles work differently when I'm doing something different from working on the machines. For example, I thought my quads are so much stronger now that I can work much harder and lift heavier weight on the leg press but I was surprised to find that my quads and gluts were so sore after doing lots of squats in BodyStep and BodyPump. Even Judy, my massage therapist, pointed out that she could tell i worked really hard on the legs but it's different from before. She asked me what I did in the last week or so.

On another note, my running is coming along slowly. Gavin said I should be running by Easter. I think it's good that he is back. I think he is really the best when it comes to running training. I know all the physios there know how to teach their patients to run again but so far he is the only one who knows how to fix up my specific problems one at a time and then putting everything together. I know I can always ask him why I need to do certain things and he can always tell me the theory behind it. It's important for me to do the theory so I understand why and what I have to do.

I went to the gym this afternoon and Neil walked me home afterwards. Neil noticed my walking is so much better than a few weeks ago. I'm glad he pointed out to me because I can't see myself. I told him it may be due to Prema has been working on my gait over the last few weeks and I have been practising in front of the mirror at home.