1 July 2005

Today is the first day of a new financial year. I remember my first job at an accounting firm, there was this parterner who was a bit carried away and was wishing everyone a happy new year on 1 July. People thought it was a bit stupid.

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. Tim agreed to accompany me to the session today – mainly due to he really wanted to watch the show MDA on TV last night. It’s on the same time as ‘The Amazing Race’, a trashy program I’ve been watching every week. Tim was trying to convince me to let him watch MDA so he agreed to come to my physio session today.

We were lucky to get a parking spot about 100 meters from the entrance of the rehabilitation centre. When we were in the car, Tim asked me what’s the purpose of his visit. I told him that I need him to find out for me what I should be doing outside physio and also to keep an eye on the personal attention I get from Gavin during the session because I feel I’m always stuck in a session with at least one patient in wheelchair and I’m often left to practice on my own. I also just wanted Tim to see the situation I’m in.

When we walked in the physio treatment room, I went to put away my handbag and jacket because Tim wouldn’t want to be seen carrying my handbag. When I’ve done that, I sat down on a bench waiting for Gavin. I told Tim that he could sit down if he wanted to but his mobile rang and he was busy talking on the phone. When Gavin came in, he told me to start with some walking practice. I had to explain to him and Kathy that Tim is there with me because they started to get a bit worried that some stranger just wondered in. Gavin asked me if Tim is here to have a look what I do in physio. I told him yes. After a few laps of walking, Gavin taped my foot and asked me to go to the trampoline and do the jumping exercises. When Tim came back after he finished talking on the phone, he came to see me doing my trampoline exercises. I have practised a little bit yesterday at home. I was so sick and tired not being able to jump with my left foot so I was practising jumping on the trampoline yesterday. I think the practice has paid off. I was able to lift up my left leg more on the trampoline today. I did this for a while until Gavin came out to check on me. He introduced himself to Tim and told me to go to the walking rails to practise jumping.

He set up a box for me and asked me to jump up the box landing on my left foot and then down landing on my right foot. This is the exercise I dreaded because I found it very boring. Again, I was left there to practise on my own while Gavin works on Gary, the guy who had spinal injury. Fortunately, Tim was there with me so I was not so bored. When Gavin came over to check on me, he asked me to practise jumping off the box and land on my right foot. I tried that for a while without much success. Gavin helped me a little bit by lifting me up a bit when I was jumping off so I know what it should feel like. When I was practising this, Tim was able to have a chat with Gavin. He basically asked Gavin about the Botox and what sort of exercises I should be doing. Gavin told him that the people who recovered well are the people who worked really hard. I guess I’m prepared to work hard but I just don’t know what I need to do. I didn’t hear everything they talked about but Tim told me afterwards that I just need to work harder at the gym. I was glad that Tim accompanied me there today because he could see that Gary was wasting everyone’s time and was not really serious about his progress. It really annoys me because the fact that he talks all the time is wasting his own time, Gavin’s time and indirectly, my time as well. Sadly to say, he is funded by TAC so in a way, every motorist’s money.

When I came home, I got out my new exercise book and wrote up a new program for myself. I asked Tim to get an exercise book for me like the one Neil and Rosemary got for me previously. I guess this is like a new year resolution for an accountant. I’ve decided that I’m going to start recording my exercises again like before and work very hard at it again.

I tested my typing speed again today and it’s 35 wpm with 7 errors or 28 wpm net.

24 June 2005

I’M SO SICK AND TIRED OF BEING STUFFED AROUND BY PEOPLE!!! I know Tim probably has heard enough of my whinging and complaining but he is so relaxed about everything and he thinks it’s not a problem not bening able to use the shower for 3 days. The bathroom people came to install the shower screen yesterday – 5 weeks from the date they (semi)finished the bathroom. I remembered kicking up a fuss when they finished the bathroom without the shower screen – how can you have a shower without the shower screen! They told me it’d take three weeks to make from the date of measurement. Hello! It’s been five weeks and I’ve been having showers without the shower screen all this time and of course, it has been a pain in the neck having to mop the tiles each time I have a shower because the water splashed everywhere. Tim is not bothered by this at all, which pissed me off even more! This morning, I was forced to have a bath instead of a shower. One may say what’s the big deal. Well, the whole purpose of having the bathroom renovated was to make life easier for ME – it all started when I was coming home from the hospital. The OT from MECRS came to check the house for safety issues at home and pointed out that the shower was not safe for me because it’s not a stepless shower and I would have to step over it. It was a bit of challenge when I first came home but I managed fine to step over it and have progressed to not using a shower stool at all. I honestly didn’t think we need to renovate the bathroom but Tim was so looking forward to having a new bathroom and nothing was going to stop him. When I found out that I couldn’t have a shower for three days, I was looking at the bath tub and was thinking of a way to get in and out of it safely. I noticed that I had nothing to hold on to when getting in and out of the bath. I spoke to Tim about this last night and he just said that’s ok I could sit at the edge of the bath and swing my legs around. When I tried to do that this morning, I realised it was almost impossible – I sat on the edge of the bath but because I had nothing to hold on to I could not swing both legs around so I dipped my left foot in the tub and try to stand on it so I could try to bring my right leg in but the tub was so slippery I could not stand on my left foot at all. In the end, I had to get Tim to help me getting in and out of the tub. It’s hard not to be angry. $30,000 + later, I still don’t have a safe bathroom to use. I think the architect is a bit of an idiot or shall we say, incompetent. He was asked to design a bathroom for a ‘disabled’ person. I wonder if he had thought about the issue with a slippery bath tub with nothing to hold on to.

When my taxi arrived at Epworth, I saw Gavin and Tracy walking this elderly lady around the footpath. I went straight to the physio treatment room and sat down on a physio couch and waited for Gavin. There was another patient in an electrical wheelchair next to me. He ‘drove’ his wheelchair closer and introduced himself. His name is Paul and he told me it’s his forth time here. Apparently he came all the way from Tasmania to have treatment here. He said they have the best physios here. I think it’s always comforting to hear that even though it does not guarantee my full recovery. I didn’t have a chance to ask him what happened to him because Gavin walked in with some tapes and wanted to tape my ankle. When Gavin was taping my foot, I asked him if he had other paitents who also had shoulder subluxation. He said yes, many of them had that. I then asked him if that’s a subluxation I had to have or could it have been avoided. He said it’s unavoidable and with the patients there, they can manage it better by give them some arm support but other than that, there was nothing could be done. I’m glad to hear that in a way because I always wonder whether I would have been better off if I had gone to Epworth in the first place. I now know for sure that as far as my upper limb is concerned, I would not have been better off there. On the other hand, I’m even more convinced that Gavin is not the person who can help me have a full recovery of my upper limb function. He is probably a gait expert but the fact that he said subluxation is unavoidable shows that he probably doesn’t know much about the arms. Neil and Tim have found a lot of literatures about subluxation and one thing they found that could have been done is by using electrical stimulation (stims machine). In fact, I think the stims machine have helped me a lot in recovering from the subluxation. I remember my shoulder was very sore at one stage and I used to switch on the stims machine while I was watching TV and just let it contracts my shoulder muscles and it actually made the shoulder less painful.

I mentioned to Gavin that when I went for my personal training, Mary got me to do some arm/shoulder stretches and exercises but afterwards my shoulder is quite sore and I’m a bit concerned. He thinks it’s good if what I felt was soreness in the muscle but not in the joints because it means the muscle is working hard. He doesn’t think trainging in the gym is going to cause any damage to my shoulder. He said if I were to injury my shoulder, it’s more likely to come from something with speed – such as trying to break a fall by landing on my hands.

After he taped my foot, he asked me to start with some walking practice in front of a mirror. As I was walking towards the mirror, I noticed the guy who annoyed the hell out of me the other day was sitting in his wheelchair parked right next to the mirror. He was doing the same thing again today. I think his name is Tyrone. I decided I’d just ignore him today. I walked up and down the room trying to practice bending my left knee and swinging it through. Tyrone was trying to get my attention by making some noise. When I looked up, he was moving his lips and blowing kisses again. I was very tempted to tell Gavin that Tyrone has something to tell him but I thought it might be better if I just avoid eye contact with him and igore him. My ordeal was finally over when Gavin told me to hop on the trampoline. He was going to set up one for me in the room right in front of the ladder/step like bars but I told him I prefer doing it outside next to the stairs. It’s a good excuse to get out of the room so I don’t have to put up with Tyrone.

Gavin showed me what he wanted me to do on the trampoline – starting with standing on my right foot and left leg up, jump on to the left and then back on to the right foot. As always, it looked easy when he did it but it’s quite hard when I tried to do it. He left me there to practice this for a while until Tracy came to fetch me. Gavin has asked her to take me for a walk outside on a slope in the carpark. She took me to the carpark, which I haven’t been in there before. When we got to the entrace to the underground carpark, I realised that must be the slope Gavin was talking about. She said I had to walk up and down the slope about six times. The slope is quite steep so she stood in front of me as I was going down just in case if I fall over. I’m not sure what’s the purpose of this exercise but I was glad when she told me it was the last lap I was doing.

When we went back to the physio treatment room, Gavin set up a box for me in the walking rails so I could practice jumping. I couldn’t belive my luck – Tyrone was still there, right next to the walking rails. I thought if he bothers me again, I should tell Gavin to put him on a tilt table because I know he would hate it. I think it’d be quite painful for the lower limbs to bear weight after they haven’t worked for a while. I can’t really remember what it felt like when the physio tried to get me to stand up after I was in bed for weeks but I’m sure it was extremely uncomfortable. Gavin must have read my mind because as I was practising jumping in the walking rails, he and a student physio got Tyrone to stand up and lean on the table they set up in front of him. As I suspected, he didn’t like that at all and was complaining that he was in pain. Gavin left him there and told him that he had to stand for 20 minutes. Well, that should keep him occupied for a while so I can do my jumping practice. I did a bit of jumping practice until Gavin told me to get on the leg press and do some jumping there. When he was setting me up, Chris, an exercise physiology staff came up to Gavin and told him about someone from the hospital (administration) told him that the way he runs the session for one person is not cost effective etc. I couldn’t really hear the details but I guess the gist of it is that the hospital is very cost concious and profit driven I guess. It makes me a bit worried of my situation. When my private health insurance runs out, I would have to fund the sessions myself. According to the hospital, they would charge me $50 per session but if the health fund was paying, they’d charge more. If I were the hospital, I would prefer to take up patients who are not self-funded so I can charge more. That would make me a very unprofitable patient. Come to think of it, the hospital is making a decent profit out of the physios. I don’t know how much Gavin gets paid but if he sees 2 or 3 patients at a time, assuming they are not privately funded, the hospital is probably getting at least $200 to $300 per session. I’m sure he won’t be paid $200-$300 per hour. The overhead should not be too high given that there are only 2 receptionists there. It’s very hard not to think like an accountant.

When I was on the leg press, I was reflecting on my session. I’m actually not very happy with it. I feel it’s just another session where Gavin booked in a few patients at the same time and this time,2 in wheelchairs and since I’m walking, I don’t feel I was getting enough attention. I almost feel like telling him that his physio sessions are more expensive than the dance lessons I had. A private dance lesson is about the same price but in a private dance lesson you don’t have to share it with other people so you get the full attention from the dance teacher. I’m not sure how to resolve this lack of attention issue because the way the hospital is structured, it’s impossible for me to have a session without other patients.

22 June 2005

I had my usual Wednesday physio appointment with Gavin at Epworth this morning. I haven’t heard back from my private insurance fund yet. I’ve chasing them up to find out how many sessions they will fund but so far I have been going around in circles and couldn’t get a straight answer from anyone. It’s very frustrating that I, the ‘patient’ who had a brain injury, is the one who has to do the chasing up.

When I got to the physio treatment room, Gavin was there with his other patient, Graham. Gavin said he’d tape my foot first before I start on anything. When he was taping my foot, I told him that I had the most strange dream on the weekend – I dreamt that I was running but when I woke up, I forgot how to do it again. He asked me if I was being chased by the police in my dream. I told him no, in my dream, I was running across the road. I didn’t notice that one of the physio students was actually doing some work with Graham until Gavin asked her if she was able to get any dorsiflexion out of him. I watched what she was doing – she put her hand on his foot so there’s more feedback for him. He was able to do a little bit, but not much. She told Gavin no. I wondered why because I thought he was getting a little bit of dorsiflexion. He then asked her if she could get any plantarflexion from him. She said yes. Gavin asked her why does she think that happens. She thought about it for a while and said (without much confidence) is it because of neural? Gavin said yes but there could be all different reasons because of neural. I felt like asking if it’s because the plantarflexors are stronger than the dorsiflexors. I was quite curious to find out the answer as well but Gavin told me to start some walking practice in front of the mirror while he took another patient for a walk. I know from last time that I need to concentrate on bending my left knee first and then swing through instead of lifting up the leg like what I was doing before. I practiced this for a while.
The room was getting more crowded. Many patients were turning up for their 11.00 a.m. appointments, inlcluding Gary, the guy with some spinal injury.
When Gavin came back, he looked at my walking and said it looks good. I told him I’m actually finding it very hard to bend my knee. He said I used to lift up the whole leg when I walked and it’s much better now. He then set up a mini trampoline for me next to the rails. I’m not sure if they are rails. They look like the steps on a ladder. He wanted me to start with the trampoline and then some jumping practice in the walking rails. I started on the trampoline next to the ladder like ‘thing’. After a few minutes, I was feeling a bit queazy just from looking straight ahead at the ‘bars’ or ‘steps’ in front of me. I tried to look away but there was nothing else around. It’s bit like looking at those pictures with optiocal illusions. I couldn’t see what’s happening behind me but I could hear a lot of noise. I was curious too see what’s going on so I looked over my shoulder quickly. There were two other patients who I have not seen before – one woman in a wheelchair with a sling over her shoulder, one guy aslo in wheelchair but seems to be in a pretty bad shape. I wonder how long Gavin wanted me on the trampoline for because I think if I stayed on it for another 10 minutes I’d throw up. Gavin and another physio were trying to get the guy in the wheelchair to stand up. They set up a table in front of his wheelchair and got him to lean on the table while standing. He must be in a lot of pain because he was making a lot of noise. Finally, Gavin came over and told me to practice jumping in the walking rails. I was happy to get away from the bars/ladder as I was feeling more and more queazy staring at it.

When I went to the walking rails, I found myself standing right next to the new patient in wheelchair. He looked at me and said something to me but I couldn’t understand what he was saying. I noticed that his left wrist is bent and fingers flexed while he was leanig on this table. I wonder if his injury is to the left side of his brain so his speech has been affected. I also wonder why they don’t put him on a tilt table. I haven’t seen one there but I’ve seen a picture of it in the the textbook by Carr
& Shepard. I think they use that for patients who cannot stand own their own. Gavin came over to see my jumping practice. I told him it’s easier jumping to my left foot because I can push off more through my right foot. He set up a box for me in the middle of the walking rails and said by standing on the box first and jump off to the right foot should be easier. I tried and found that it is a little bit easier but still pretty hard. I went up and down the walking rails a few times practising this. I noticed that Gary’s entourage have showed up – his wife, daughter and grandchildren. They often come to the physio session to see him. Gavin put a physio bed in the middle of the room and set on a stool in front of Gary. He got him out of his wheelchair and helped him walk around the bed. I noticed that when Gary was walking, one of his feet seemed to be able to take a normal stride but he tend to drag the other foot along. I thought that’s a bit odd because I thought with spinal injury, he would be dragging both feet.

I was still trying to jump off the box when I noticed the guy next to the walking rails was staring at me. I looked at him and smiled politely. I thought he couldn’t speak but this time, I could see his lips moving. He didn’t make any sound but I could read his lips. I think he said ‘ you are beautiful and I love you’. I wonder if Gavin and the other physio have noticed that although he couldn’t speak but he could actually move his lips. I tried to get back to my jumping practice but was quite annoyed that he was staring at me and making the kissing sound. I looked up to see if Gavin would rescue me from this but he was still busy with Gary. Finally, Tracy came over and asked me if I was ready for the leg press. I was quite happy to get away from this guy. Tracy helped me on the leg press and I asked her if she should set the bench lower. She was not sure but Gavin came out and told her to lift up the bench higher to work me harder. He said you dreamt about running but now it’s time to realise your dream! The higher the angle is between the bench and the floor, the harder the exercise will be. I had to do the running lying down like last time. Tracy thought I was doing better than last week. She actually let me do it on my own instead of supporting my left leg. To my surprise, I was actually able to do it without her holding my left foot. I did this for a while and then Gavin came out and asked me if I was tired. I was talking to Tim about one thig I found after my operation is that I don’t know how to lie anymore. It’s a real problem when you can’t lie. I should have told Gavin that yes, I’m very tired but instead, I told him I’m a bit tired but not too bad. I knew I was in trouble as soon as I said that. He lifted up the bench even higher so I’m almost half standing. He wanted me to do the running again. It’s harder than before but not impossible. He told me to do about 20 of those and then finish off with some calf stretches. I lost count of how many I’ve done but when I felt that’s enough, I got off the leg press and did some calf stretches. Gavin told me the person who deals with outpatient rehab has again told him that I’ve used up all my sessions. I told him that I’ve been trying to chase up my private health insurance for clarifications but they haven’t got back to me yet and they don’t know why they haven’t been invoiced yet. Gavin said the hospital is very slow in billing and was trying to get me a name to contact at the hospital. I found out that they charge $50 per session for private paitents but they charge more if the health fund is paying. I asked him if I should stilll come in on Friday. His response was ‘yes, if you want to get better’. I suppose I’ll still go but the insurace issue has annoyed me once again. I didn’t argue with him about how they got the 25 sessions because according to my record, I only had 22 sessions, including today’s session. One thing about old habits die hard is that I tend to keep my own record and write up a summary after each session just so I have a record of what I have been doing. It’s a bit like in the past, I would always keep notes from client meetings so I remember what’s been discussed etc.

17 June 2005

I think people must think I don’t update my diary anymore. The truth is I still update it but I haven’t been able to finish any lately so the website has not been updated for a while. I think one of these days I’ll probably have go back to the half finished diary and try to finish it all.

I had my usual appointment with Gavin this morning but because I have arranged for my personal trainer(as requested by him)to attend as well, my appointment was half an hour earlier than my usual time. Gavin said this would give us a bit more time.

When I got there, my personal trainer, Mary, has already arrived. She was walking out as I was walking in. She said she had to move her car and I was pleased to find out that the receptionist has given her a swipe card to access the staff carpark. I spoke to the receptionist about this on Wednesday and was quite impressed that she remembered to arrange parking for Mary. I told Mary where the physio treatment room is so I could meet her there after she parked the car.

Gavin taped my foot while he was explaining to Mary why he is taping my foot. He asked me to get up and walk so he could show Mary what he’s trying to do with me. He told her what I was like when I first went there in March. I was quite surprised to find that he remembers my condition so well and was able to pinpoint exactly what the problems were and what the treatment has been. He was able to imitate how I used to walk so Mary could see how I walked before. I don’t think I remember how I used to walk. As I was walking up and down the room, I overheard him telling Mary that she needs to push me hard and there is no danger in working me hard. Mary reminds him that I still need to walk home from the Melbourne uni gym after my personal training session. He said that’s fine, I can probably rest for half an hour after my session before I walk home.

He then asked me to get on the trampoline and show Mary what I have been doing. As I was doing that, he was explaining to Mary the purpose of this exercise. I now understand why he doesn’t normally explain to me what I’m doing – it’s quite technical and it’ll probably go straight over my head. There was too much information for me to take in already.

After another patient has finished with the leg press machine, he asked Tracy to put me on that and do single leg press and then the running lying down to show Mary. My leg got quite sore just from doing the single leg press. Tracy let me rest a little bit before I moved on to the running one. She helped with supporting my left leg. I found it’s getting easier since Wednesday. When Gavin came back, he told Mary that this is what they do before they get patients to run – they get them to do this first while the bench is almost horizontal because it takes away almost 30 percent of the weight and then they gradually elevate the bench till it’s almost perpendicular to the ground so it’s like running on the gound. He also mentioned to Mary that many people think that one cannot make much progress a year after stroke/brain injury but it’s not true. He told her that he sees me making progress every week. It’s very encouraging to hear that.

After the leg press, Gavin asked me to go back to the trampoline. That was enough to show Mary I guess. I’m going to see her next Monday. I forgot to ask her if she has taken all that in. I hope she has made a mental note of all the information. I must say I was quite impressed with Gavin. At one stage, I was a bit concerned that he doesn’t seem to know my condition very well. Today’s session has restored my confidence in him. Not only he knows what I was like before, he knows my current status very well. The most important of all is that he seems to know his stuff really well and seems to have a plan and strategy on how to improve my gait.

I stayed on the trampoline for a while and was wondering if my session has finished because I started half an hour earlier today and it’s been an hour already. I did a few laps of walking practice and then back to the trampoline again. Just when I thought maybe I could probably go home, Gavin came out and asked me to do something else. He actually gave me a choice this time. He said I could do the jumping in the walking rails first or I can do the theraband exercise for the leg first. I didn’t have a preference. He suggested that I do the jumping first because I might find that easier. I went to the walking rails and Tracy came over to help me. I had to ask her to teach me how to jump. I found it’s easier to hop on to my left foot but almost impossible to hop on to my left foot. Tracy said it’s probably because it’s easier for me to push off through my right foot and land on my left foot. I practised this for a while without much success. Sometimes I find it so frustrating that I have to relearn everything. I complained to Tim last night that it annoyed me so much watching some current affairs program on TV that some single mothers were complaining that the government doesn’t give them enough money to live on. I think they are just so ungrateful – they take it for granted that they can walk, run and do things with their kids while for me, I can’t do much with Lillian and I can’t even walk properly or at a normal speed.

When Gavin came back, he asked me if it’s ok for someone to video me doing something with my arm. He said he meant to do it earlier for some students but he forgot and I’m probably a better example anyway. I agreed. He introduced to me another physio, Belinda. I have seen her around before but didn’t know that she’s also a physio. She asked me what tasks do I find hard to perform. I told her that I don’t really know. There seems to be nothing I can’t do these days. She looked at Tracy and seemed quite surprised. They then asked me what do I find challenging do to with my arm. I told them fastening up my bra strap behind my back is still challenging but not impossible. I was a bit worried that she might want to film me doing that. She said she wanted to video me doing some reaching. She put a plastic cup with some water in it and left it on the rail. She asked me to pick up the cup and drink from it and then put it back. I didn’t find it too hard as I have fully mastered this skill back in November last year – thanks to Neil and Rosemary. Belinda asked me to do it a few times while she was filming from different angles. She also asked me to pick up some pegs she set up for me and squeeze them. These were pretty easy as well. She then asked me to pick up the cup and drink from it again. I told her that I’m probably not a good example for her because I have practiced very hard to do this last year. She didn’t quite understand so I told her that I couldn’t drink a cup of tea with my left hand before and it took me months of practising to actually be able to do that and it’s actually harder to do it with a mug. She thought it would be good to get me to do the same but with a mug so she went and got a tea cup and filled it with water. She put it on the rail and asked me to pick it up. The handle of this tea cup is so small and I found it quite difficult to pick it up with my thumb and indes finger. I finally picked it up but spilled a bit of water when I was bringing the cup close to me. I tried to pick up the cup again after I put it back on the rail but just couldn’t find a confortable way to hold the handle with my fingers. I tried it with my right hand and then tried it with the left hand. This time, it was so much easier. Belinda thought this was interesting. She asked me what’s my sensory like on the left hand. I told her I feel pins and needles the whole time in my left hand. She said that explained why I could pick up the cup with my left hand after doing it with my right hand first because the lost of sensation in the left hand, it doesn’t give as much feed back as the right hand but after picking it up with the right hand, the left hand was able to learn and get the feedback. She then showed me the video so I know what it looks like. She said I’m actually a good example because it’s pretty hard to tell my left arm/hand is effected so the students will have to look very hard to find problems. I think I’m pretty lucky that I had Neil and Rosemary to help me with my arm exercises so it has recovered quite well. The next challenge is to find out what else do I need to do to have a full recovery of my upper limb functions.

Gavin asked me to wait for a few minutes as I was just about to leave because he wanted to talk to me about something. He told me that the hospital staff told him that my sessions have run out. I thought this is odd. He said they told him my private health insurance pays for 25 sessions. I reminded him that when I first started at Epworth I asked him how many sessions do I have there and he told me 50 or 60 sessions. He agreed and told me that he calculated if I go there twice a week , my insurace should last me 6 months. He doesn’t know what happened so he asked me to find out from my private health insurance. I know it’s not his fault but it annoys me that I have to do this when I thought it’s all been sorted from the beginning.

8 June 2005

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. I found out this morning that the roadwork near our house is still going on. I was quite annoyed with it yesterday because I almost couldn’t get home after my shopping at Barkly Square. They blocked all the roads near our house when I returned yesterday. I was hoping this would not happen this morning because I need to catch a taxi to Epworth for my appointment. Tim said if the road is blocked I could go to the store across the road and wait for my taxi there. That’s one possibility except I don’t think I can make it there without wearing my ankle brace. I thought about wearing the ankle brace but I hate to think what Gavin might say to me. I went outside to check the road situation before I called for my taxi. It looked pretty bad, not only there were workmen everywhere, there were two trucks on the other side of the road as well. I could not see the roadblocks but judging by the workmen and the trucks, they must have blocked the roads. I decided to put on my ankle brace. I know Gavin will probably tell me off but it’s not everyday the city council blocks the roads right in front of your house everyday. At least I hope it doesn’t.

When my taxi arrived at the Epworth, Gavin was actually right outside on the footpath with some patients. I didn’t expect to see him there. I was hoping that I wouldn’t see him before I take the ankle brace off. When I got off the taxi, I quickly (as quick as I possibly could) sneaked in through the other entrace, hoping that he may not have noticed my ankle brace. I was surprised at my luck because he didn’t say anything and I was able to go directly to the treatment room, take off my ankle brace and stuck it in my handbag and cover it with my jacket before he walked in. I actually felt a bit guilty that I was able to get away with this. It’s a bit like when my dog peed on the floor and we didn’t punish him straight away, he actually felt quite terrible and it’s not until we told him off he was more relieved that he has been punished for his crime. At the time, I thought it was a bit strange that he wanted us to tell him off when he did something wrong and he was waiting for that. Now, I think I can understand how he felt like.

Gavin set up a mini trampoline for me. Just when I thought I had got away with murder, he asked me why did I wear my brace today. I thought he didn’t notice because he was with another patient and thought I had got away with it. I told him ask the City of Melbourne council about that. I explained to him that they blocked all the roads around my house and I had to be prepared to walk quite a bit if the taxi couldn’t get to my house. I actually didn’t think that was much of an excuse but I was surprised that he was ok with that. I didn’t feel very energetic today. After about 10 minutes on the trampoline, I felt tired already. I looked at the time, I turned up a bit early today so I still have another hour to go. When Gavin came back to check on my walking practice, I told him that my foot has been quite sore from not wearing the brace. I told him that last week I had to put the brace back on because my foot was too sore otherwise. He said it’s good that I can walk without the brace. He said he doesn’t expect me to walk around without the brace all the time but it’s promising that I can walk without it. I’m not sure where this change of tune came from. Who was the one that wanted to burn my ankle brace last time?

Gary, Gavin’s other patient turned up in his electrical wheelchair. He is the patient with spinal injury. His appointments are normally the same time as mine. I did a few laps of walking and then Gavin came back to check on me. He told me to go to the treatment room and set up a mirror for me in front of the walking rails. He said I need to do more work on my hips and also wanted me to practice walking with narrower base of support. At the moment, my feet are too far apart. I actually don’t like to be in the treatment room because I can always hear Gary talking to Gavin. I don’t want to eavesdrop on them but I had no choice. They always talk a lot about football and which team is going to win at what game. I have no idea what they are on about and have no interests in that either. Tim always thought AFL is more of a sport for the low –lives. He always says rugby is a game where gentlemen play like thugs while AFL is thugs playing like gentlemen. I’m not a big fan of either. I’m a bit annoyed because I feel that every time I go to Epworth, Gavin spends about 10 minutes with me looking at my gait and various things but he spends most of his time with this patient talking about footy. Sometimes, it makes me wonder what’s the point of going there at all since there is nothing that I do there I can’t do at home. I can do the walking practice combined with the trampoline and get a nice tall mirror so I can see myself walking.

Gavin came to check on me and said I need to drop my hip when I’m taking a step with my left foot. I didn’t quite understand what he meant so he came into the walking rails and was trying to correct me as I was taking a step but he soon realised it was too hard to do that in the walking rails so he told me to step outside of the rails and practice in the middle of the room. When I was doing that, I overheard them talking again. I heard Gavin saying that there are many staff leaving. Gary asked him about whether they have found his replacement. I wasn’t sure whether I heard this correctly. Does it mean Gavin is leaving? He hasn’t mentioned anything to me but then again we don’t talk very much, unlike him and Gary. I just hope he is not leaving, at least not before I finish my program here anyway.

Tracy came in to ask me if I’m ready to try the theraband again. Gavin must have asked her to set it up for me. She set it up for me and I tried again but it’s still very hard. My ankle was still inverting a lot and my legs were getting quite tired. Tracy was good enough to let me rest a bit before I started again. After about another 10 repetitions, I told her I had enough and she agreed that was enough for me. As I was heading back to the treatment room, Gavin came out and asked me how did I go. I pointed at a particular part of my leg and asked him what muscle is that. He said it’s part of the calf. That’s exactly what Prema said last time I asked her. I told him when I was doing those theraband exercises, I had to relax certain muscles to stop the inversion and the muscle I had to relax or I felt I had to relax was where I was pointing. Prema said it’s the extension of tib post, which is a very deep calf muscle. Gavin said my inversion is caused by weakness on my outside leg muscles, not the calf.

On my way home, I couldn’t stop worrying about where I’m going to go for my physio if Gavin is not there anymore. It’s very hard to find a good physio like him these days. In fact, it took me almost 10 months to find him. It almost makes no sense for me to go to Epworth anymore if he is not there anymore. Isn’t it ironic – one minute I was complaining about not getting enough attention in the physio session and the next minute I’m worrying about not having him as a physio anymore.

7 June 2005

Tim had to give a tutorial to a group of lawyers this morning so he got up pretty early and woke up Lillian as well. When I got up, they were just about to head out. Tim couldn’t find his wallet at first and then he remembered he left it in the car. The car was parked at the front so he had to get out of the front door. Lillian was all ready to go to the childcare and thought he had left her behind and was trying to follow him. I had to shut the front door quickly so she doesn’t get out. Her body was in the way so I couldn’t shut the door properly. I was thinking of a way to distract her to get her away from the door but Tim was too quick. He pushed the door open before I could even stop him. Poor Lillian was standing right behind the door and was knocked over the floor. It looked a bit like a plot out of a slapstick comedy except Lillian was on the floor crying. It made me feel so guilty because it happened so fast that there was nothing I could do. Tim helped her up and put her in the pram and left for childcare.

I had to go to MECRS for my hydro self help group this morning. When I was trying to get to the end of our street, I realised there was a road block and I had to take a detour to get to Royal Parade. The detour distracted me because as I was driving along Royal Parade, I missed the turn to go to the zoo (MECRS is further up from the zoo) and just kept going. I only realised that I was almost at Park Street. I think MECRS also has an entrance on Park Street but I’ve never been there and I didn’t want to risk being late for my hydro. I decided to do a U-turn and head back the way I’m familiar with. When I got to the pool, there were all the physios in the pool. They must be having some kind of training there. I only recognise two of the physios there. The staff turnover seems quite high there so there are always new staff joining.

We had to wait for them to finish first before we could get in. When we were finally allowed to get in the pool, I realised there were more people today. I thought some people may have finished their program because I haven’t seen them for many weeks but they all turned up today. I think some people come in to socialise as well. There are a few little groups. They usually stay at the same spot and chat throughout the whole session. Sometimes I wonder why turn up at all. It always annoys me to see some people who spend a lot of time chatting in the pool instead of doing their exercises and then they don’t get out of the pool until the very last minute and when I get to the shower before they do, they will whinge and moan and try to get me to hurry up. I was very tempted to tell them where to go last time they tried to hurry me up.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to in the pool. I’m not in any of the little groups. It doesn’t bother me because I go there to do my exercises, not try to make friends. Most of the people there are at least 50 something, I think. Most of the people in the group are women so having a shower after the pool is a real problem. It’s very hard to accommodate 12 women in the 2 showers they have in the changeroom.

After my hydro, I went to Barkly Square in Brunswick to do some grocery shopping. I got there about 10.30 a.m., thinking it should not be too busy but I was not able to get a disabled parking spot. I went there last week after my hydro as well and there were many disabled parking spots available. In fact, I was quite upset when I was walking back to the car with a trolley full of stuff and was trying to load up the boot and a woman stopped her car right next to me and said ‘this is disabled parking ‘. I looked at her and said ‘yes, I know’ and continued on with unloading the bags from the trolley. She said to me again ‘ this is disabled parking’. I looked at her and said ‘ I know and I am’. She looked at me up and down and said ‘ you don’t look like it’. I know many people would think I should feel flattered but I was quite upset because I don’t think I need to justify my ‘disabilities’ to anybody. I just ignored her.

I guess I wouldn’t have this problem today because I couldn’t get a disabled parking spot. I drove around for a while and finally found a spot next to a big Commodore. I went to Coles first because I know I can get a trolley there. I found it makes walking easier with a trolley. I suppose it’s almost the same as using a walking frame which takes away a lot of the body weight. I normally do my shopping using Coles On Line but I found it’s better if I get my fruit and vegetables from a grocery store. I didn’t really need a lot from Coles today but I went and got a few things anyway so I can use their trolley. When I was at a checkout counter, a woman with a pram came over and told me this is the only lane she could push the pram out. The shop assistant was still in the middle of scanning all the items from my trolley and I couldn’t really make enough room for her to get through. She hurried me up and told me that I had to move out of the line to make room for her pram. I really felt like saying to her ‘yes, fxxx you, too’ but I didn’t want to be rude in public so I had to get out of the line. She noticed my ankle brace and said ‘ oh, you have a sore foot’. She didn’t thank me or appologise for making my life more difficult. Some people are just so rude.

1 June 2005

Today is the anniversary of my nightmare. Actually I should rephrase it because you usually wake up from a nightmare but I’m still in it. It’s probably more appropriate to say today is the anniversary of the beginning of my nightmare. It all started on this date last year. I remember going to work in the morning and in the afternoon, I went to have my CT scan and was told to go back to my GP with the results. At the GP, that’s where I found out about the tumour and was told to go straight to the emergency department of the Royal Melbourne Hospital. I was kept in hospital overnight. They wouldn’t even let me go home to pack my bag or check on Lillian. She was only about 3 ½ months old at the time. They operated on me the next day. Last year on this date, it was the last time I walked normally outdoors. I can’t remember what it’s like anymore. Sometimes, I can’t help but thinking I’m actually very hard done by but Tim doesn’t allow me to think that way. If you think about it, how many mothers do you know has something happened to them when their babies were still very young and cannot look after their babies? Tim thinks that I’m a lot better of than some single mothers who live in a neighborhood full of drugs and junkies. That’s true but my answer to him is a lot of them probably brought it upon themselves. In other words, many of the problems they have are probably self inflicted. In my situation, I didn’t do anything. I wish I had done something though. At least, I have myself to blame in that case. Anyway, it has been a pretty tough year for me.

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. I planned to have a shower first, have some breakfast and if I feel like it, I’d do some exercise bike before I go to Epworth. The doorbell rang when I just closed the bathroom door. Tim went to answer the door and it was someone here for the bathroom. He said he needed to do some measurement for the shower screen. I was quite upset. This means I couldn’t have a shower as I planned to. I thought it’s a bit strange because I remember the builders telling me a couple of weeks ago that someone had done the measurement for the shower screen. From my understanding, the shower screen takes about 3 weeks to make from the time of the measurement. I thought it was measured two weeks ago which means we should have it ready next week. It has been a pain to use the shower without the shower screen as the water splashes everywhere and the floor is always wet. I complained this to Tim but of course, he is not worried at all. I know there is a reason why I always liked my academic clients when I worked in accouting and financial planning. You can always stuff them around and they don’t get too upset. You can always charge them the full cost of the WIP (work in progress – accountants normally charge by the time they spent on the client) and they never question about the fees. I’m just so sick and tired being stuffed around by everyone!

I waited around for a while and finally, I had to hassel Tim about when is this person going to finish the measurement because I had to use the toilet and have a shower. Tim finally agreed to ask this person for me. He said it’d take him a while so he’d come back after I had my shower. Tim thought I was acting like if I was the hunchback of Notre Dame. He wondered why I was always hiding and why couldn’t I just tell this person myself. I told him in a way I’m like the hunchback of Notre Dame. The way I walk is a bit like that and the way people stare at me is like that, too. Of course, this is not something I expect him to understand. Sometimes, I feel the person who needs counselling most is not me, it’s actually him. I don’t think he understands the full impact of my ‘disability’. In the past week, Schapelle Corby has been in the news a lot. It made me wonder whether I would swap with her. I know it would be pretty hellish in a Bali jail but it’s also a hellish situation I’m in anyway. If only I could walk normally again.

One major achievement this morning was to fasten up my bra straps with both hands behind my back. I have been working on this for months and this morning, I finally did it. I think the hot shower must have helped as well. The mucles work better when they are warm.

Another achievement for today was not wearing my ankle brace outdoors. I went to Epworth without my ankle brace on. Gavin asked me to do that last time but I told him it’s a bit complicated for me to get to the taxi from my house because I have to walk over the grass, the kerb, the cobble stoned bit next to the kerb and then to the taxi and I didn’t feel confident enough to do that. He said he’d get me to walk outdoor without my brace in my physio session. I found it quite cold this morning and I really don’t like the idea of walking outdoor in an unfamiliar environment so I decided not to wear the ankle brace. In that case, I don’t think Gavin would get me to do outdoor walking.

Gavin was with another patient when I walked in. I actually struggled a bit to get to the building from the taxi. I sat down on a physio couch and waited for Gavin. He didn’t know that I didn’t have my brace on so he said I must be waiting for him to tell me to take off my brace. I told him no because I haven’t got the brace on. He was very surprised and came over to shake my hand. He said he’s really proud of me.

He started me off on some calf stretches. He got a 30 degrees wedge and asked me to stand on it with my right foot in front of the left foot. He placed my left foot in such a way that the heel is just touching the ground and the ball of the foot is still on the wedge. He then asked me to bend my left leg a bit. I couldn’t do that so he had to help me bending my knee. I felt the stretch in my calf but I actually felt more stretch in the right leg than the left leg. When I told him this, he said it’s because my right leg is more sensitive than the left leg. I know my left hand doesn’t feel quite the same as the right hand but I didn’t know the sensation in the leg is also affected.

He also set up a mini trampoline for me and it’s the usual drill – walking practice combined with mini trampoline. While I was on the trampoline, I was actually thinking it’s not so bad missing a session on Friday because I’ll probably be doing the same thing anyway. I almost couldn’t make it to physio today. Lillian picked up some virus at the childcare and was told that unless we can get a doctor certificate that says she doesn’t have the hand, mouth and foot virus, she cannot attend childcare for the next few days. I did some research on the internet last night and it looks like she does have the symptoms of this virus – little blisters in the hands and around the mouth and ulcers in the mouth. I haven’t found any blisters on her feet yet but Tim thinks it’s most likely she has it since some kids at the childcare had it as well. We took her to my parents’ place last night so my mum is looking after her today but tomorrow and Friday we have to look after her. I told Tim that I can probably miss one physio session on Friday and he was pretty pleased to hear that. In a way, I wish he wasn’t running his own business because you at least get annual leaves and sick leaves if you are an employee but when you run your own business, it’s hard to take any time off.

Gavin came out to check on me and when I walked, he corrected my walking a bit. It seems to be the same problem – my butt sticks out as I’m taking a step with my right foot. He set up a mirror for me in the treatment room in front of the walking rails and asked me to practice taking a right step while tucking my butt in. While I was practising, I noticed an elderly man was sitting next to the rails. He said I was doing fine except I’m not sure he knows what I was supposed to be doing. When Gavin came to check on me, he said it looked good. The man sitting next to the rails said: ‘ see, I told you you were doing fine’. I told him yes, but it’s a very slow process. He said it’s ok if it’s slow but I’ll get there one day. I noticed that he has a big scar on his head. Looks like he had some kind of surgery as well. I didn’t ask him what happened to him.

After practising for a while, Gavin told me to go to the hallway and see if I can do the same while walking in the hallway. I did a little bit of walking and mini trampoline before he told me to try the stairs. My left leg was still swinging out a bit as I was going upstairs. He said there is some exercise he gets people in his running group to do but he wasn’t sure whether it’s too early for me or not. He asked Tracy, another physio, to set up this theraband for me and demonstrated what I had to do. It looked easy but I couldn’t even do one. The theraband comes with a little sling and is attached around the heel of my left foot. I was supposed to lift up my leg and back – a bit like cycling. Tracy told me this works the hip extensors and hamstrings. The biggest problem for me was my ankle inversion. The more I tried to pull my leg back, the more it inverted. The strange thing was, as soon as I relaxed the muscle, the inversion stopped. I thought it was strange because the muscle I was relaxing was the tib post or at least it felt like it’s tib post.