1 April 2005

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. On previous occassions I always got there too early. At first I thought it would be good to get there early so I can have time to do a bit more. But I found out later that I didn't really get to do more when I got there early - I started earlier and finished earlier so it's the same anyway. When I got up this morning, I did my usual exercises - bike and mini trampoline. I think I took too much time to have breakfast and shower. By the time I was ready to leave the house, it was already 10.15 a.m. My appointment with Gavin was at 11 a.m. so I thought I still had plenty of time. I called for a taxi and waited in the study. I thought about setting up my laptop but then thought there's no point if the taxi turns up straight away. In the past, the taxi turned up within about 10 minutes. I waited till 10.30 a.m. and there was no sight of my taxi. I called the taxi company again and they told me there's one on its way. Since I've been going to Epworth, my problems with taxi seemed to have stopped. However, I suspect my luck with the taxi has changed again today. Another 15 minutes passed and there's still no sight of it. I called the taxi company again and was told that the taxi picked up somone else instead and they'll send another one for me. I thought about calling Epworth to let Gavin know that I'm running a bit late but then I thought I might just be a few minutes late anyway so it probably wouldn't matter very much. I know from experience that their timetable is fixed anyway so if I'm running late, it just means I'll have a shorter session.

When the taxi finally turned up, it was already 10.50 a.m. I told the taxi driver that I was in a hurry and I've been waiting for an hour for the taxi (a bit exaggerated). I got to Epworth at about 11.10 a.m. - only 10 minutes late for my appointment. Gavin set up a mirror for me to start with the walking practice. I was still feeling a bit flustered from the drama with taxi and my legs were a bit stiff but I know there is no point mentioning it to Gavin because unlike the MECRS staff, he doesn't waste time chitchatting. I guess in a way it's good, I never have to remember what I did on the weekend or whether I had a good weekend. Gavin seemed to be quite busy today - he had to see a few patients at the same time. While I was practising walking, he had to go and check on another patient - an elderly woman in wheelchair. I think she probably had a stroke. There was no expression on her face and she couldn't talk. There was another patient on an electrical wheelchair. I think she probably had a motor accident because she looks quite young but in a pretty bad shape. There is an arm gutter on her wheelchair but she couldn't really use it. Her effected arm was totally pronated and flexed so she probably can't rest her arm on the arm gutter anyway. She cannot speak at all and was making a lot of noise (sounds like she is in pain) when her physio was trying to get her to stand up. I did a few laps of walking and started to get a bit annoyed. I can practice walking at home in my own time instead of using my valuable physio session to practice. Somehow this feels like MECRS again. I was annoyed with Gavin but didn't say anything. It would be unwise to rub him off the wrong way if I want to continue to work with him. I tried to block off my irritation with him. I must admit I was a bit paranoid after watching the movie on TV "What do women want?" a few weeks ago. I always have to tell myself not to have any thoughts because I'm worried that someone maybe able to hear my thoughts like the character played by Mel Gibson in the movie.

Gavin came to check on me from time to time and thought my walking was better and I should try to always walk like that. I told him if I walk like that I'll probably never get anywhere because I'm slow as is and walking like this is even slower. He assured me that this should improve in a couple of weeks. He also got me to walk up and down the stairs again. I think it's getting easier every time. He asked me to go up again and as I was going up, he said I'm actually doing this all on my own. I said yes but I'm using his arm for balance. He told me no because his arm was very loose so I couldn't really use it for balance. When I realised that's the case, I thought what's the point of holding on his arm then so I tried to go up the stairs without holding on his arm for support and to my surprise I was able to do it just as well as when I was holding his arm. I guess he was right, it was all in my mind. This was the first time I went up those grand Victorian style stairs all by myself without holding on anything - although he was right behind me the whole time so I knew I wouldn't fall down the stairs if I slipped. Looking back the first time he got me to go up and down the stairs, it was a real struggle back then but now it's much easier. I'm not sure I'm ready to tackle the steps outside the church I attend on Sundays yet but in time, I should have no problem with it. When I was going up the stairs, there was someone coming down and he commented that I'm doing really well etc. Gavin said hello to him and spoke to him for a while. When he was going up the stairs, he was trying to take 3 or 4 steps at a time. He left shortly and before he was leaving, he wished me good luck and told me that Gavin will work me hard but I'll be able to run one day. I guess he was one of Gavin's patients and it's encouraging to see how well he recovered.

Gavin then got me to do some plantarflexion exercises and then the mini trampoline. I told Gavin that I have a mini trampoline at home but I'm a bit worried I tend to put more weight on my right leg. He said that's ok even if there is more on my right because my left leg will still bear some weight and as long it's get some exercises, it will get better. He told me to practice walking and the trampoline at home for next week. He's away next week so I won't have any physio sessions.

I think Neil and Rosemary would be interested to know that I just did a typing test and my typing speed is 37 wpm with 5 errors.

31 March 2005

I didn't have to go anywhere today so I started with my exercise bike when I got up in the morning and then the mini stepper and then the mini trampoline. I was trying to do as much as possible before my apppointment with Judy, the massage therapist. Gavin didn't work me too hard yesterday and I was a bit worried that Judy wouldn't have enough to work on today.

The phone kept ringing when I was in the shower but I didn't bother getting it. I knew by the time I get to it, it would probably have stopped and I didn't want to risk twisting my ankle without an ankle brace on. I wondered whether it was Judy because her daughter is due to have a baby this week and she will need to help out on looking after her grandchildren if her daughter goes to the hospital. After the shower, I went to check my mobile first because I think if it was Judy, she'd probably leave a message on the mobile before calling me on the landline. There was a message on the mobile but it wasn't from Judy.

While I was waiting for Judy, I thought I'd do more exercises on my legs (just right next to the door). When I was doing some exercises Gavin got me to do a while back - to push up through my calves and stand on my toes, I heard the gate opened. I think it must be Judy. I thought about opening the door but it would probably be too spooky - you don't normally expect some open the door when you walk in their gate (except in some horror movies). I waited till she rang the door bell and then counted to 10 before I opened the door.

Judy didn't complain that there was not enough for her to work on this time. I told her that I was so tired on the Easter long weekend and I couldn't get out of bed last Friday after the Bobath course. This is exactly what she was worried about. She told me that I should be careful not to tire myself too muchbecause it will take me longer to recover. She also commented that perhaps I should review my anticipated recovery. I should probably aim for 90% recovery but not 100% recovery - just to be more realistic. I couldn't remember exactly what she said because I switched off as soon as I heard that. The only way I can keep going these days is by blocking out anything that's negative. I only have selective hearing these days.

I had an appointment with Prema this afternoon. I showed her the letter I photocopied for her from the Bobath course. She had problem reading it as well. I showed the letter to Neil and Tim last week and neither of them could read it. She said she'll take it with her and try to decipher it. I told her what Gavin got me to work on yesterday. It's easier to explain to her about Rhumba walks because she's done some dancing before. She got me to do the walking practice Gavin got me to do yesterday and gave me more corrections and some exercises to work on. It felt a bit like having a dance lesson. I was telling Tim last night that I thought every neuro physio should learn ballroom dancing, I think it will make them better physios.

30 March 2005

This is my first diary entry since the Easter break. I think I'm going to update the diary on normal working days as part of my rehab. If I treat rehab as my full time job now, I should expect to work 5 days a week except on public holidays. I must say I was so tired after the Bobath course - my muscles were aching for days and I almost could not move. I had to cancel my appointment with Rosemary last Friday. I was just so tired that I had to have a few days off. I rested on Friday and Saturday. I started doing some exercises on Sunday and by Monday, I was feeling a bit better until I had a sore throat. I think I might have got it from Lillian. She had a bit of cold last week and is still coughing.

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning so when I got up, I was on the exercise bike for 25 minutes and then the mini trampoline. I think I'm getting better on the trampoline but Tim is a bit concerned that all my weight is on my right side when I'm trying to jump on the trampoline. I had a very strange dream last night. One thing I noticed after my operation is that I don't have many dreams(or at least any dream that I can remember) these days. But the dream I had last night was so vivid so I remember it quite well. I dreamt I was running! I told Tim about it and he thinks that's probably a good sign.

I haven't been feeling well since last night. I think I'm coming down with a cold or something. I felt a bit anxious this morning because I didn't feel like too much hard work today and I don't think Gavin will be sympathetic. When I got to my appointment, Gavin asked me about the Bobath course. I told him that the course was good but it was a bit depressing to find out that I have more problems than I thought I had. I gave him the envelope with a report written by the two physios from the Bobath course. I didn't tell him that I actually opened it and made a copy for Prema. He didn't seem to notice the envelope was opened anyway so I didn't bother telling him. He asked me to walk around and how did I feel about my walking. I told him that my gait has changed since the coure but I cannot tell exactly how it has changed. Tim thinks I'm just having a regression and it's very frustrating when that happens. I personally didn't think I gained much benefit from the course even though at the time it felt like I was getting a lot of benefit. None of the exercises I did there I can do on my own. I felt like I was just a Guinea pig for the course. I didn't tell him that because it would be too undiplomatic to do so. He thought my walking was not that bad and I was actually able to take a bigger right step. He then got me to stand in front of him and he tried to move my weight to the right and step forward with my left foot and then shift weight again and step forward with the right foot. He said this is what normal walking feels like but it felt very strange to me. I guess I haven't been walking normally for over 9 months now and I cannot remember what normal walking is like anymore. He got a mirror for me and asked me to practice walk up and down in front of the mirror. He said if I want to walk normally, this is what I have to do. I think Tim is right again, this is like practising the Rhumba walks in ballroom Latin. Tim always thought there is a lot of similarities in ballroom dancing and walking training.

23 March 2005

I was feeling very tired when I got up this morning. Tim and Lillian were up already. I really felt like sleeping in a bit but I still had to make a bottle for Lillian to take to the childcare. When I put the bottle in her bag, I just realised that I forgot to pack some nappies for her so I quickly grabbed a few nappies for her.

After they had left, I started with my exercise bike and then the mini trampoline. Tim got me a mini trampoline for me last weekend. I know I have to keep up with my exercises because I don't have any appointments with Gavin this week and by the time I see him, it would have been two weeks since my last session. I also did some arm exercises set by Neil and Rosemary.

In the afternoon, I went to my Bobath course. It was very nice of Rosemary to come to the session, too. She went there to be an observer - trying to take some notes for me. I was lucky that Gerlinda, the German Bobath instructor, spent quite a bit of time with me today. She was trying to get me to feel what it should feel like when my body is in a good/balancedd position. She got the physios to work on my trunk muscles to start with. She told them to tell her when they can get me to do what she wants me to do. I found the exercise extremely tiring on my legs - my quats were quite sore after a while. When they thought I was doing ok, they got Gerlinda back to have a look. Gerlinda thought that was good and proceeded to the next exercise. I still have a lot of problem with my ankle and I asked Gerlinda about it. She said it's all to do with the brains - I don't trust my left side and was all tense and the more tense I get, the more the ankle inverts. I need to learn to relax it and my heel can touch the ground. I must say I'm all very confused - different people tend to have different opinions on the ankle inversion theory. The time went by quite quickly and our session finished around 3.30 p.m. Rosemary was very patient. She sat there watching for 2 hours! Gerlinda said they'll do more work on me tomorrow. Today has been the most intensive working session for me for the course so far. I felt quite exhausted when I got home. I told Tim about today's session. He had to do a presentation today so he couldn't be there. Tomorrow is the last session with the Bobath course and I was hoping that he can be there at least for that session but he has an important business meeting around that time so he'll probably miss it again.

22 March 2005

I had to go to the self help group (hydro) this morning. Tim dropped Lillian off at the childcare centre and then gave me a lift to MECRS. Again, I had plenty of time to do my exercises twice and then I realised I still had 10 minutes left so I decided to use a noodle for support and do some breast stroke. I wasn't going around in a circle but I still felt I was using my right arm and leg more than the left ones.

In the afternoon, I attended the Bobath course again. I missed out on yesterday's session but so far we haven't worked on the arm yet. Today, the instructor noticed that when I walk, I don't have my weight forward enough and she was telling the physios who work on me they need to get me to do something to bring my weight forward more and take more risk. She also mentioned that because I was not very active before, I'll need to have a 120% recovery to get to a normal level. The physios wanted me to do some exercises kneeling but I felt very uncomfortable with that because my ankle kept inverting. They checked my ankle and my calf and noticed that when I was sitting I couldn't put my left heel on the ground. I told them that it has been like this for a while and I was told that my calf muscles are tight. They checked and told me that the problem is not the tightness but because I cannot control it to relax the muscles so the muscles are active the whole time. They tried to get me to lift up my heel by pushing through my toes and then relax to drop the heel. After some assisted movements, I could actually do that myself. The physios told the instructor that Tim and I used to do competition ballroom dancing. She told me that I may never be able to get back to the level I was before but she told me to bring some waltz music CDs tomorrow. I'm not sure what she has in mind, without Tim being there, I'm not sure who is going to dance with me.

21 March 2005

A very big day for me - I have my driving test in the morning and an appointment with the neurosurgeon in the afternoon. I'm nervous about both appointments.

I had my driving lesson at 10.45 a.m. as scheduled. I didn't tell the instructor that I was practising my parallel parking on the weekend. He was trying to get me to do exactly what he tells me to do - e.g. when to start turning the wheel and which way to turn. I didn't want to tell him to shut up and just let me try it for myself. In the end, he told me to watch for his signals - when he close his hand, it means I should start turning the wheel. I always knew there's something about the OT driver assessor and the driving instructor - talking about collusion. On the way, he told me exactly the way they will ask me to go for the test - we even decided on the spot where they'll get me to do the parallel parking - he got me to try a few spots until I found one that's big enough that I can definitely do it. After the lesson, I was still a bit unsure about doing the test. I didn't want to throw away $165 for nothing. He assured me that I should pass this time. We stopped outside the Medical Centre and he told me to wait at the centre because he and the OT driver assessor need to do a driving test for someone else first. I was feeling a bit anxious since it was already 11.30 a.m. and mine is booked at 12 pm. I was worried that I won't have enough time to get home, have some lunch and then walk to my neurosurgeon's appointment.

I went into the centre and sat down on a couch. The OT came out and directed this elderly man to go to the car. He looks quite old and was shuffling along with a stick. I suspect he had a stroke. I waited for about half an hour and was getting quite hungry. Finally, they came back. I could see the old man trying to do parallel parking from where I was sitting. He didn't quite make it - after a few attempts, still couldn't do it. In the end, the OT got out of the car. I had a feeling that the old man didn't pass. When the OT collected me to go to his office, I complained to him that I've been waiting for ages and was getting more and more hungry and I still have another appointment to go after the test. I wondered the reason to go to his office and then I realised - he could collect money from me - cash, of course. I didn't get a receipt from him and I wonder if I should report him to the tax office. I noticed that on the ATO website there's a new link to 'How to report tax evasion'.

When I got in the car, I had to adjust the seat a little bit which is a bit annoying - it took me a while to adjust it to a comfortable position for me before. I realised the position of the steering wheel is important for me - it makes it harder for me to turn the steering wheel fast when I'm too far away from it but then I don't want it to be too close so I have no room to turn it.

The test started when they told me to get on the main road when I'm ready. I did exactly what the instructor told me - check the mirror, put my indicator on and then a head check and then pull out. Both of them said this is really good - I guess that's a good start. We went by the route the instructor took me around earlier. They took me to the spot where the instructor told me I'll be doing the parallel parking and asked me to park. I didn't have to follow his signals and I was able to park ok. The test didn't go for very long and the OT directed me to head back. There was one final parallel parking to do in front of the medical centre. I thought I could do it but didn't do it very well so I asked them if I could try again. The OT was a bit nervous that I might hit his car so the instructor told me to go to a spot where I could just pull straight in. That was it. The OT told me that he'll write a report to VicRoads for me. I have my license back! I probably won't go on the roads on my own yet but it's a relief to know that if I have to drive somewhere, I can.

The instructor gave me a lift back - I suppose if I didn't have a test, that's what he would do anyway. It was already 1 pm. I had to have some lunch and get ready to see Prof Kaye. I've been really nervous about this appointment because I'll find out the MRI result. Tim was kind enough to accompany me to the appointment. He meant to have a business meeting with someone from interstate but I was too scared to go to the appointment on my own so he agreed to come with me while his business partner, Paul, meets with this person. I asked Tim to help me put on my AFO because I know I'll be doing quite a bit of walking. We went through the back alley because I think I can save a bit of time taking the short cut. I don't think I'd take the back alley if I was going by myself because it's a bit hard for me to balance in the cobblestone laneway - I had to hold on to Tim's arm for balance from time to time.

I looked at my watch when we got there, it was just 2 pm - it only took us about 20 minutes to get there. The receptionist told us there're still 4 other people before me - the appointments are running a bit late. I felt really bad because Tim took time out from work and now he had to waste more time waiting. Tim said it's not my fault. I didn't look at the time when it was finally my turn. I was just so anxious to find out the results. Prof Kaye was very pleased to see me walking in without a stick. He thinks I'm way over my schedule - it hasn't been a year yet and I've been making a lot of progress. He mentioned that I may find that the progress will slow down or plateau as the brain has recovered bruising from the operation. He said the recovery will continue for a couple of years. Tim told him that he actually thinks I'm making more rapid progress recently. Prof Kaye said he thinks my recovery in the beginning has been quite rapid because I had intensive rehabilitation. It would not have been the same without intensive rehab. I felt like telling him but I don't think I had nearly as much rehab when I was at MECRS. I think Neil and Rosemary did a lot more than MECRS had. In fact, I was very tempted to ask him if my recovery would have progressed more if I went to Epworth in the first place. I didn't ask him that because I was afraid of the answer being yes. The same reason I never ask Gavin if he thinks I can have a full recovery. He then mentioned the MRI - the answer I've been waiting for anxiously. He said the scans are fine. No changes from last time. I asked him if there is still some left in there and he told me there is a little bit left in there but it's most likely to be very slow growing - something that needs to be monitored but not to worry at this stage. He said I may find having a scan and then see him every 6 months is boring but boring is good. I must say I felt so much better after finding out the result. I'm going to have another MRI in 6 months time.

On the way back, Tim left me to go to his meeting so I had to make my own way home. It's the first time I'm walking from Royal Melbourne Private to my house on my own (without a stick). I was a bit scared at first because I had to cross a couple of pedestrian crossings and I was worried that I wouldn't have enough time to make it across. I was surprised to find that I managed ok.

I'm going to the Bobath course again tomorrow. I went there yesterday and found it quite interesting. I'm not familiar with the Bobath technique but I think a lot of it relates to posture and movement. I was just telling Neil yesterday that I found it fascinating that by manipulating my posture and trunk control, the physios there were able to stop the wavering in my left arm. One of the exercises Neil gets me to do is to pat my head with my left hand but I always had problem stablising my hand so I don't actually have to do anything, the hand just pats the head automatically. It's a pity I had to miss out today's session due to medical appointment because I think I have a lot to learn attending the course.

18 March 2005

I didn't want to get out of bed this morning but I knew I had to. I had an appointment with Gavin this morning so I had to make sure I have enough time to do my exercise bike, have breakfast and then have a shower and get ready. I think I was half asleep on the bike and only managed to burn 100 KJ of calories in the 20 minutes. I have taken up Tim's suggestions by recording the calories because he said that's one way of measuring how hard I've been working. While I was on the bike, I was trying to take a few deep breadths and hoping the oxygen will wake me up a bit.

It was a bit dramatic on the way to Epworth. The taxi driver was very impatient and got into an argument with a cyclist. The cyclist was right in the middle of the road and the taxi driver tooted her. She was quite upset and caught up with us and screamed at him. She insisted that she was in her bike lane. I think she was wrong because unlike on Royal Parade, there was no bike lane marked in the middle of the road and she was clearly in between two lanes. She was getting quite abusive and swore at the taxi driver. The taxi driver also used some colourful language. I didn't say anything. I just want to get to my appointment on time. Come to think of it, even when I get my driver's license back, I'll still probably catch the taxi to my appointments.

When I walked into the physio gym, Gavin was on the phone so I sat down on a bench and waited. It was still early anyway. When Gavin finished, he greeted me and asked me how was I feeling after my session on Wednesday. I told him I was fine but very tired. He asked me to start my walking practice as warm up. After doing a few laps, he asked me to head for the stairs. This time, he wanted me to go up without holding on anything. I couldn't see but I think he was standing behind me to make sure I don't fall backwards down the stairs. I made it to the top fine. This is probably I went up the stairs without any support. Going down stairs was a bit more tricky. I asked Gavin if I can have a little support for balance because I felt I need to hold on to something. He thought for a minute and put on right hand on my left hand and said if I really need to hold something, I can hold my own hand. I found it harder to keep my balance that way so in the end, I decided to try going down stairs. It's very scary when I looked down the stairs but I found if I just look at the step I'm about to step on, it's not so bad. I got down the stairs ok. Gavin was very pleased to see that and asked me to go up and then down again. When I got to the last step, he introduced me to Rochelle. Apparently he's asked her to look at my gym program and will arrange a me to have a session with her. He asked me if there is a gym near my house. I told him that the Melbourne uni gym is probably the closest but by the time I walk there I'll probably be too tired to do anything. He thinks I should be ok to walk there.

He asked me to do another few laps of walking practice and then it's the mini trampoline again. He thinks I'm doing better on the trampoline now and asked me to lift up my right leg higher which makes my left leg works harder. I asked him if the purpose of this exercise is to get me to start running. He said yes. I told him I was not a runner before the operation anyway and the only times I ran were running to catch the trams. He said he doesn't care whether I ran before or not but the point is that running is high mobility and it can make me walk faster so I can cross the road before the lights change. That makes sense.

After about 10 minutes, he thought that was enough on the trampoline and he got me to get on the leg press and do the running lying down like last time. It's getting a bit easier now and I didn't need as much support from him as last time. He thought it's much better than last week.
I must say this really tires me out and I couldn't do it for too long. Finally, he thought that was enough for me and told me to get up and go to the rails in the physio gym. As I got up and was walking towards the gym, I told him that I've been practising walking but exaggerate on shifting my weight to the left so I can try to take a bigger right step. He pointed out that in normal walking, we don't shift weight first and then step, we normally shift weight and step put at the same time. This is exactly what Tim was telling me the other day but I didn't take much notice of what he said. Maybe he is right, a good ballroom dance teach can probably teach me walking better. At first, I thought Gavin was going to get me to do squats like last time but he had something else in mind. He wanted me to stand on my toes and I was allowed to touch the rails (with my finger tips) for balance. After this, he asked me to take off the ankle brace but with shoe on and walk around. I told him that I couldn't really walk like this because the ankle inversion. I also asked him about the Botox in tibalis posterior. Originally, this was suggested by the rehabilitation specialist, John Olver, to stop the ankle inversion. He said the inversion is probably due to the tightness in the tibalis posterior muscle and a Botox can probably stop that. Gavin said he doesn't think the inversion is caused by tib post but tibialis anterior. Tib ante is the muscle that does inversion and also dorsiflexion so if I have a Botox in tib ante, I won't be able to have any foot clearance when I walk. He thinks a Botox in tib post won't do anything.

I also asked him the question Neil had and was trying to get me to ask Gavin - what exercises can I do to strenghen the peronous muscle - the muscle that does the eversion. He couldn't really tell me and told me it's easier said than done. I guess that means there isn't really any. I asked him whether I should use the electrical stimulation machine on the muscle to strengthen it. He told me he didn't think there is any use of that. He said the stims machine contracts the muscle but it does not reconnect the movement with the brain so I won't be able to control the movement myself. I told him that I used the stims machine on my shoulder before and I found that useful. He said my arm has recovered well - I think he thought a lot of my arm recovery was organic - ie. through the brain recovery. I felt like telling him that but my friends and I worked very hard at it. He told me that I could try because it won't do any harm but he just doesn't think it would work. I think I'll try that anyway.

My next appointment with him will be after the Easter break. He said I'll be having physios with my arm next week at the course anyway so he won't need to see me. I hope the course is useful.

17 March 2005

I didn't feel like getting out of bed this morning. I'm still very tired from yesterday. Like I mentioned previously, every time I have a session with Gavin, I need two days to recover. I had to get up and get ready because my driving lesson was scheduled at 11 a.m. After my usual routine of exercise bike, breakfast and shower, I was all ready for my lesson. I'm still thinking whether I should go for my driving test on Monday or should I postpone it for a later date. I waited for the driving instructor to turn up in the study. My appointment was scheduled at 10.30 a.m. and I have another appointment after that with Judy, the massage therapist, at 11.30 a.m.

While I was waiting, I was trying to find the instructor's phone number. I missed two calls last night on my mobile and I didn't recognise the number. The caller didn't leave a message so I didn't take much notice. I thought if it's urgent the person will probably call back or leave a message. When I found the insturctor's number, I realised it's the same one as the call I missed last night. I was a bit worried, maybe I don't have a lesson today. I waited till about 10.45 a.m. and was getting more and more anxious. Finally, I decided to give him a call to find out what's going on. I was a bit worried that he might turn up in the middle of my deep tissue massage session. When I called, I found out that he couldn't make it today so I was trying to postpone my driving test on Monday but he said I can have a lesson at 10.45 a.m. and have the test at 12 noon. He said he thinks I'll be ok for the test and if I decide to postpone the test on Monday after my lesson, he can tell the OT that I'm not feeling well. I felt like telling him that I was not feeling well on the day of my previous driving test but I couldn't defer it. Finally, I agreed to it only because I just to get it out of the way so I don't have to deal with him or the OT driver assessor again. I wonder if I should ask for a tax invoice when I pay for my test. They said it's $165 so I assume it's $150 plus GST. If they can't give me a tax invoice, I should probably ask if they have an ABN because otherwise I should withhold 48.5% of tax. I just think they are a bit dodgy but I don't think I'll get very far if I try to do that.

Judy turned up when I was in the middle of my exercises. I was trying to do a bit more just before the massage so hopefully that will give her more to work on. I tried to do a bit of the jump start exercise on the floor Gavin got me to do on the mini trampoline because it makes my left leg very wobbly so the leg must be working hard. Judy was happy to see that there is a lot of work for her to do this time. She said it's changed since I've been going to Epworth and she is pretty pleased about that. I told her that Gavin has arranged for me to go to the Bobath course from Sunday to Thursday and it's mainly for the upper limb. She thinks it's good but she is a bit concerned that I might be over tired by the course plus sessions with Gavin. She said my muscles may be over-fatigued by the time she finish the deep tissue massage. Because both of her daughters' babies are due in the following week, she's worried that she won't have time in that week and leaving it for two weeks may be a bit too long for me. In the end, we decided that I'll have a session with her next Thursday but I can cancel it if I feel too tired.

Neil came around in the afternoon to help me with my upper limb exercises. He thinks my one ball juggling is getting better and I have a new exercise which involves throwing the ball up and catching it.

16 March 2005

When I woke up this morning, Lillian was still asleep. She seemed to be really tired and didn't want to get up. Tim was getting a bit impatient by about 8 a.m. and finally decided to wake her up. He wanted to take her to childcare so he can go to work. I started with my exercise bike after they had left. I really had to hurry up this morning because I had an appointment with Gavin at 11 a.m.

My taxi arrived just before 10.30 a.m. and I was surprised that it was only 10.45 a.m. when I got to Epworth. Gavin asked me to start with my walking practice. I did a few laps and sat down for a bit of rest - I didn't want to exhaust myself too much because I don't know what he'll get me to do today but I know whatever it is, it won't be easy. When he came back, he asked me if I'm ready to go up the stairs or do I need to warm up with the stepping up on the box exercise. I told him that I don't think I need to warm up so we went for the stairs. He thought I was doing so much better. I told him that I have been practising at home but always with the rails just for balance. He thinks as long as I don't put a lot of weight on the rails it's ok. We did this a couple of times and then the other physio, Chris, who was helping out last week walked pass and Gavin told him to have a look at my progress. Gavin was clearly impressed with the progress. He thought there's a big improvement in my walking up and down the stairs and he told Chris that's perceptual spatial. I turned around and told him that if it's perceptual spatial, I probably had that problem even before my operation because I could never do parallel parking properly. Gavin said that's not perceptual spatial, it's a female thing! I don't think I agree with him on that. I know many women who can park very well.

The next exercise Gavin got me to do is to do jump start on a mini trampoline. I have done this last time as well. I told him that my left leg keeps wobbling. He said not to worry about my wobbling leg and just push on with the jump start exercise. He told me that it's good my leg wobbles when I'm doing this exercise - he said it means it's just at the right level. If it doesn't wobble, it means the exercise is too easy for me and I should always do exercises that are hard enough just to make my leg wobble. He then left me to do the exercise for 10 minutes or so. He said I could look at my watch and work for 30 seconds and then rest for 30 seconds - that's very generous of him today! While I was doing my exercises on the mini trampoline, another patient who was doing exercises next to me said she used to hate doing the exercises I'm doing now. It turned out that she had a stroke last November. I was surprised to see how well she's recovered. She told me that she didn't want to live like a cripple so she worked very hard at it. I think it's good to come to Epworth because both the therapists and patients are a lot more positive.

I also asked him if there is anything can be done about my ankle inversion. I told him that it's really annoying that I can't walk barefeet and I also told him that we went to the beach last weekend but because of my ankle problem, I was the only person on the beach with shoes and AFO on and I couldn't even go for a swim or walk on the beach barefeet. He said I could still go but I just need to crawl. That's not very funny. I asked him if there is any exercises that I can do to stop the ankle from inverting. He showed me an ankle stretch but it doesn't fix the problem permanently. He said I'll probably have this problem for a while. He said there are other ways to fix it but he didn't tell me the details and from the look on his face I had a bad feeling... So I said to him "not surgically I hope". He nodded. My orthopaedics did mention this once when Tim and I asked about the ankle inversion. I don't quite believe that and I will ask the rehabilition specialist, John Olver, when I see him next month.

Gavin managed to put me on this Bobath course (as a guinea pig) at St Vincent's starting from this Sunday. He said it's mainly for upper limb. I've heard of the Bobath technique in treating neuro patients but I don't really know what it is. It will be interesting to find out what it is.

15 March 2005

Tim got up quite early this morning. He had to run a tutorial for a group of lawyers this morning so he had to take Lillian to childcare first and then catch a tram to the city. Lillian seemed very tired. She didn't want to get up and was a bit upset when Tim finally picked her up from our bed. I was in a hurry to get ready as well. My self-help group (hydro) started this morning at 9.00 a.m. I waited till they had left and called for a taxi to get me to MECRS.

I think I was too anxious and called for the taxi too early - I got there about 8.30 a.m. - half an hour before the session starting time. When I got to the pool, I was surprised to see the staff there - I thought it was too early for them. I went up there to pay and started chatting for a while. Since the staff there know me, they were happy to let me get in the pool by myself a bit earlier. I was in the pool by about 8.45 a.m. - 15 minutes before the official starting time. They gave me a copy of my exercise for me to follow but I know them so well that I don't really need to look at them. When I finished all my arm exercises, I turned around to look at the time - it's only 9.00 a.m. People started to turn up now and I counted, there were about 10 people in the pool. Fortunately I got in a bit earlier because I could get to my usual corner. There are many advantages with a corner spot - a lot quieter, you don't have to face people if you don't want to (I normally do my exercises facing the corner so I don't get distracted what's happening around or behind me). The most important point about having the corner spot is that I can put on the float myself (by hooking my feet on the rails and drag through the float under my butt). One very important exercise that I do in hydro is range of motion for my arm - bring up my arm 180 degrees sideways - shoulder abduction. Since it was quite early, I thought I might do another set of arm exercises. After another set, I still had plenty of time so I got to the corner, put on the float and started with my range of movement exercise for my arm. Half way through my exercises, I heard somone talking so I looked up and there was this elderly lady next to me and she asked me if I have finished with my exercises. I told her no and continued on with my exercises. A few minutes later, she came to hassel me again - she said I should hurry up because everyone needs the corner for exercises. I felt like telling her that perhaps next time she can turn up a bit earlier but I didn't want to make any enemies on my first session since I'm new to the group. I gave her the corner spot and grabbed a 'noodle' to practice walking - I found it quite difficult to walk in the pool due to the buoyancy of the water, my ankle tends to invert more when I place more weight on it so I either hop around in the pool with my right foot or I need to hold on to something. After a few laps of walking, that old lady has finally finished so I could go back to my corner. I still had time but I've already been through my exercises twice so I decided to get out. I asked for one of the staff to help me carry my bag and shoes to the bathroom but all the showers were busy so I waited outside one shower. I don't know who was in there but she was really taking her time. I had to wait for a while for my turn.

I had a very quick rinse - didn't bother washing my hair with shampoo - just want to rinse out the chlorine. Before I had a chance to dry myself, I heard a voice outside the shower curtain. I think it's the same woman in the pool, asking me to hurry up. I told her I'll try. I wrapped a towel around me and was trying to move all my stuff to the change room and then I discovered that she has already gone into the shower opposite to mine. When she saw me, she told me that I should hurry up because lots of people want to use the shower. This really irritated me. I know there might be other people waiting (I didn't see any) but I cannot walk without my ankle brace on. It's not that I'm trying to be slow, I tried but I just could not speed up any further. I don't think I can be nice to her if she tries to boss me around again next time.

On the way home, I was in a taxi with the same taxi driver last week. The one who didn't know where Epworth was. I asked him if he was covering someone else's shift again because I thought he normally drives at night. He told me no, he normally drives during the day. I didn't want to argue with him. He was the one who said he normally drives at night so he know all the pubs and nightclubs but not hospitals. Talking about memory loss!

13 March

Tim has finally taken a picture of me doing the "Mt Everest" exercises.


I must say I was a bit surprised at the height. I know the pile is taller than me but I had no idea how much taller it was. No wonder Neil always says it's a pretty big pile. This just proves how wrong the rehab specialist at MECRS was. She said I may never be able to lift up my arm above my head again. I have to thank Neil and Rosemary for working tiredlessly with me on my arm to be able to do this! I think they'll make better therapists than many of the staff at MECRS. According to Prema, my private physio, this exercise is actually harder than just lifting up my arm through shoulder flexion or shoulder abduction because it also involves shoulder protraction.

11 March 2005

I felt so tired this morning that I didn't want to get out of bed. When I eventually got up, I was debating whether I should hop on my exercise bike because I was feeling so tired. Tim somehow convinced me to start the day with the exercise bike - he said I would feel better after the exercises. The twenty minutes on the bike seemed like forever. I don't think I could go on without the TV on to distract my attention - my legs just felt so heavy. I was tempted to hop off the bike and rest on a few occassions but then I thought I might as well finish the 20 minutes.

Rosemary came in the morning to help me with my exercises. She brought a red gerbera with her today - for my reaching exercises. She has been quite creative in changing the objects to make them more interesting - from mouse with pink ears to green butterflies and today a red gerbera. She said her cat, Peter, did not take much interest in the flower. We went through the exercises set by her but I felt quite tired during the exercises. I explained to her that I'm still recovering from yesterday. Fortunately, I only see Gavin twice a week. I think I need two days to recover every time I have a session with him. Rosemary said she'll let me rest a little bit before my appointment with the OT. When I looked at the clock (with date on it), I just realised that today is Tim's birthday. I've forgotten about it until now. I told Rosemary one big news - last night was the first time after the operation I was able to lift up a full pot of pasta (with both hands) and tipped it in a colander to drain. That has always been a problem for me and I always had to ask Tim to do it for me. Rosemary was delighted to hear the breakthrough and suggested that I start a new section in my exercise book to record all the landmarks. I think that's a really good idea because otherwise I forget things. I was quite amazed when Neil described how I typed when I started the first time after the operation - he said I couldn't do it with two hands and I had to hold my left hand with my right hand etc. I couldn't remember that at all and I wished I had kept some kind of pictures or records so I can look back and see how much I've progressed. Actually, I should say 'we' because with the help of Neil and Rosemary, I don't think I'd be able to use my left hand at all, not to mention typing!

Jacqui, the OT from MECRS, turned up shortly after Rosemary left. I was quite surprised that she called me yesterday to arrange to meet with me. According to the timetable (set by MECRS), I still have an appointment with her today. I told her that I've been discharged on Tuesday and I thought that means all my appointments have been cancelled. She said she felt that she can't just let me leave like that after working with me for 4 or 5 months and would like to catch up for a coffee just to talk about how to achieve my goals from here. It was very nice of her to suggest that even though I didn't think it was necessary. I agreed to meet her anyway since she has helped me in some way when I think about it.

Jacqui suggested that we go to the cafe Dale mentioned to her - the milk bar/cafe on Royal Parade. I've decided not to take the stick with me. I told Jacqui that I'll probably be a bit slower without my stick but she didn't mind. I know I have to get rid of the stick or else Gavin will be on my case again! I think the only time I'll use it is when I go for hydro - only because my ankle keeps inverting without my ankle brace and shoes on. Jacqui asked me if I have any plans for the year. I told her that I just want to concentrate on my rehab for a few months and then maybe later in the year I can return to work. She thinks that rehab is more than just the physical rehab, I should look at the things I like to do and get back into doing those. That is true but when she asked me what I used to like to do, I couldn't think of any. I really didn't have a lot of spare time - after a long day's work, all I wanted to do was catch up with sleep or just do absolutely nothing. She asked me what's Epworth like. I told her that apart from some stroke patients, I'm probably one of the oldest patients there because the average age of the patients according to Gavin, is under 25. Most of them had some kind of car accidents. She said it must be quite sad to be with those patients. I told her it actually keeps me on my toes - it's a bit like you want to be training competion ballroom dancing in a studio with lots of good dancers, it keeps you motivated and work harder because you would keep checking each other out. Being in a rehab hospital with lots of young people keep me work harder because I don't want to be the worst when I know I'm a lot older than most of them.

I had an appointment with Dale, the social worker, in the afternoon. It was very nice of him to have one last session even though he knows I'm no longer at MECRS. He didn't have a lot of time so he suggested that we go to the cafe next to the pub on Royal Parade. I didn't have a chance to tell him that I was actually there with Jacqui this morning. Originally, I was going to take the stick with me because I didn't know where we were going and if we were going to Lygon Street, I would definitely take the stick with me - just to let other people know to keep away from me. When I realised that we were just going somewhere local, I decided to leave my stick behind. He was quite pleased by my decision. He always thought one of my biggest problems is I don't take risk. In fact, I told him before that being an accountant, I'm naturally risk averse. He thought this is a major breakthrough for me since I'm so risk-averse. I think I'm going to miss our Friday afternoon coffees. He told me that I can always contact him at MECRS if I have any problem. It's very nice of him to offer that. I think I might drop in to say hello one day when I go to my self-help hydro group.

Late in the afternoon, Tim accompanied me to the hospital for my MRI scan. I guess I could have gone by myself but I'm just too scared after what happened last June so I insisted that he came along. Again, I walked there without my stick - it's right at Royal Melbourne Private - according to Dale, about 1 km return from my house. I had to use Tim for support from time to time - especially when I wanted to walk a bit faster and was feeling a bit unstable. I have an appointment with Professor Kaye in 10 days time so I guess I'll find out about the result of the scan then.

10 March 2005

I had another appointment with Gavin this morning. I woke up feeling very tired. Tim has a cold and was caughing a lot during the night so I didn't sleep very well. I was feeling a bit nervous because I know Gavin will get me to work very hard and he wouldn't be very sympathetic about my excuses.

I did my exercise bike and calf stretches before I had breakfast. I should have got up a bit earlier this morning because it was around 10.15 a.m. by the time I had a shower and was all ready to go. Despite the fact that the taxi driver didn't know where Epworth was and had to look up in the Melway, I still got there early. The taxi driver told me he normally drives at night so he knows all the pubs and nightclubs but not hospitals. I didn't have my walking stick with me. This is the first time I went outdoor without it. I know Gavin wouldn't let me use it there so there's no point carrying it with me. I found it a bit scary at first, especially walking from the front of our house to the taxi - I had to walk pass the grass and the kerb to get to the taxi.

When I got there, Gavin wasn't there so I went into the physio gym and sat down on a bench. David, another physio, came in and told me that Gavin will be here at 11 a.m. and he wants me to start some walking practice first. I went up to the area I did the walking practice last time and David was there reminding me to take bigger right step. He grabbed a chair for me and told me if I want a rest I could sit down. I practiced a little bit and sat down to have a rest. I had to do that because I know Gavin wouldn't let me have a rest so I should take the opportunity when I can.

When Gavin came in, he asked me to show him the walking. He thinks it's looking a bit better except my right foot kept pivoting out. I told him it's an old habit - I didn't bother explaining to him that every time I tried to do the walking practice, my body kept wanting to do the 'rumba walks' and in the rumba, you are supposed to point your foot out on an angle, you would never step forward straight. He got me to do a couple more laps and then head for the stairs. I know I wouldn't be able to get away with this. It felt a lot easier today. I told him that when I'm going upstairs, I still stuck my left leg out and the exercise he got me to do last time only fix the problem temporarily. Last time, he got me to step up on a box with my right foot and push up with my right foot and then step up with my left foot on the box gently. He told me that I should keep doing this exercise and gradually, my left leg should not stick out.

After this exercise, he got me to go up and down the stairs again and then he put me on a step machine. I told him that I have a mini stepper at home but I've never used one like this before. Gavin hopped on the machine to show me what he wants me to do - step up and down quickly like running. He had to hold the paddles down for me to actually step on them. At first, I thought it's just like my mini stepper except it's a lot bigger. I was so wrong - with my mini stepper, when I push one paddle down, the other one comes up automatically but this one doesn't, I actually have to lift up my leg every time. It looks easy but it's actually very hard work! After 10 minutes, he came back and told me that I can step off the machine and do something else. He put me on a mini tramp and asked me to lift my left foot and right foot up gently like in jogging. Gavin told me to do this while he goes and check on another patient. I did this for a while and was wondering when my session would finish - the one hour just seems to be going so slowly!

Finally, Gavin came back and told me I can hop off the mini tramp and do more walking practice. I thought this would finish our session but he got me to go to the walking rails. At first, I thought he wanted me to do some walking practice with the rails but I was wrong again. He set up a wedge (like the one I use at home for calf stretches) and told me to do squats all the way down. He said I could hold on to the rails this time but in future, I should be aiming to do it without the rails. I lost count of how many I've done but I'm sure it's more than 20 or so. Gavin asked me if I felt tired and I told him yes. He replied: "good, now do another half a dozen". I should know better that if I want any sympathy, I definitely won't get that from him.

I was quite exhausted by the time I got home. I had a deep tissue massage appointment with Judy in the afternoon. Judy was very pleased this time because she said I have a lot more for her to work on this time - she was a bit worried that over the past couple of weeks she didn't have too much to work on me. She keeps saying that I need to work my muscles harder to keep her busy. She can really tell the difference this week.

8 March 2005

Tim got up quite early in the morning to continue preparing his powerpoint slides for his workshop today. I knew I had to get up fairly early, too. He told me he was leaving around 7.30 a.m. and I still need him to put on my hinged AFO before he leaves. I haven't quite worked out what I'm going to tell Fiona without offending her - that I want to go to Epworth even if I'm not having a Botox. She was under the impression that I'm going there because I'm going to have the Botox there.

I got ready around 8 a.m. and while I was waiting for my taxi, I switched on my computer and tried to publish my blogs - I have been trying to update it on a daily basis but was having great difficulty publishing them. I spoke to Tim about it and he thought it may be due to too many people were using it at the same time. It seemed to be fine this morning so I was able to publish my blogs for the last few days.

When the taxi didn't show up at 8.50 a.m. I felt a bit stressed out again. I called up MECRS and was told that the taxi was booked for me for 9.15 a.m. I told the receptionist that my first session starts from 9.00 a.m. She checked and told me that's right and she'll try to call one for me straight away. This is something I'm definitely not going to miss.

When I got to the physio gym, it was about 9.15 a.m. Fiona told me that she knew about the taxi stuff up and she was just wondering when I was going to turn up. She sent me to the treadmill straight away. She asked me how did I go with Gavin yesterday and I told her that I'll be going to Epworth. She didn't want to distract me too much while I was on treadmill so she told me to do 10 minutes and we can talk about this later. After I finished the treadmill, I told Fiona that I've decided to go to Epworth. She said that's fine but she needs to organise for me to be discharged and she'll have to do all the discharge measurement. At first, she thought this is my last week here and she can finish the measurement on Thursday. I told her that I have an appointment with Gavin on Thursday morning so there would't be enough time for me to get here. I didn't think there is any point for me to linger here so I told her that today will be my last day here and I asked her about the self-help group she mentioned last time. She seemed a bit surprised but was very helpful in organising the group for me. I didn't know that one can only be in the group for 6 months and there is a limited number in a group. She gave me the paperwork and I picked the Tuesday mornig group - it starts at 9 a.m. A bit early but I think I'm used to attending my sessions on Tuesday mornings anyway. I will start that from next Tuesday.

It was very strange walking out of MECRS this morning knowing that I'm no longer a patient there. Tim thinks my rehab has finished. From now on, he thinks it's actually fine-tuning.

Late in the afternoon, Neil came over to update my exercise book. I felt a bit guilty because I haven't been doing the exercises as often as I should have. I guess there has been a lot of disruptions - I got a cold from Lillian and was not feeling the best, I transferred to Epworth this week - sounds like I'm full of excuses! I told Neil that I'll try to keep up with the exercises again. At least, I have been updating my diary :)

7 March 2005

I've been feeling quite nervous the whole week about my appointment with Gavin this afternoon. I wasn't sure what he'll get me to do this afternoon but I know whatever that may be it would not be easy.

Tim and Lillian got up early because Lillian had to go to childcare today. I got up a bit later and made up some bottles for her. After they left, I started with the exercise bike and then some calf stretches and went back to bed after my breakfast. I just wanted to make sure I get enough rest before my appointment this afternoon.

I got up around 11 a.m. and had a quick shower and lunch. I called for a taxi just around 1 p.m. so I had enough time to get to Epworth by 2 p.m. The taxi turned up shortly but after I got in the taxi, the taxi driver asked me if I was in a hurry because he needs to use the bathroom and also to get some lunch. I told him that I just need to get to Epworth by 2 p.m. He stopped by the milkbar next to the pub on Royal Parade and I was waiting anxiously in the taxi. Fortunately he has stopped the metre because I don't think it would be fair for me to pay for the time he spent in the bathroom. While I was waiting for me, I read a notice in the taxi about the security camera. I didn't know there's one so I was trying to locate it. I looked around a bit trying to see where it could be and finally I saw something that I think it could be the camera just above the mirror. It was a very strange feeling staring into the camera knowing that someone on the other side could probably see what I was doing.

I got to Epworth about 1.30 p.m. - half an hour before my appointment. I sat at reception for a bit and then someone told me I could go to the physio treatment area (gym) to see whether Gavin is busy. When I went in there, Gavin was with another patient so he told me to sit down and wait. I sat down on a bench and was looking at what other patients were doing. It's not a big room so there were only two other patients there. One of them looked very young and seemed to have left side hemiplegia as well. Two physios were trying to get him to walk - this reminds me when I first started to learn to walk again. After he finished, they put him on a wheelchair with an arm gutter. There is a picture of this particular device in the textbook by Carr & Shepard - this is one of the shoulder pain prevention protocols mentioned in the book - a wheelchair with arm gutter that allows a patient's paralytic arm to be rested on it to ensure GH joint and forearm are supported in mid-rotation and the hand is prevented from rolling over at the wrist. I remember Tim was hassling the therapists at MECRS to provide me with something like that when I was first admitted there. They didn't have anything like it. This is the first time I've seen one apart from the picture in the textbook. It made me wonder if it was a mistake to send me to MECRS in the first place. It just doesn't have all the necessary equipments and I'm surprised that it's actually a teaching hospital. This could mean a difference between 100% recovery as opossed to 90% recovery.

When Gavin came back, he asked me to do some weight bearing exercises (on my right leg) to warm up. At first I thought he was a bit confused about which side was my weak side but he said this is just to prepare me for the stairs he'll get me to do in a minute. I did this for a little bit and then he got me to walk up the stairs. I didn't have too much problem going up except he noticed that I kept sticking out my left leg when I was going up. Coming down stairs was a was a real drag (literally). Like last time, Gavin asked another physio to stand behind me for support. I have been practising walking down the stairs at home but I had the rails and our stairs are not as steep and scary as these ones here. Gavin moved me right in the middle of the stairs so I had no rails to hold on to but as they were dragging me to step down I somehow managed to grab hold of the lamp (which is fixed to the rails) with my right hand - it must looked quite comical - two of them were trying to drag me down stairs but my body just refused to go with my feet. I could actually feel my weight was behind me - I was leaning on the physio who was standing behind me. When I finally reached the ground floor, I told Gavin that I really hate this. He relplied:"I know and you're going to be doing hundreds of this until you can do it!" I should know better. It's a bit like doing Neil's exercises, if I told him I really hate doing something or if something is really hard, he will get me to do it all the time until I can do it!

He then asked me to practice walking - try to take a bigger right step. I told him that I can do it more easily if I hold on to the rails or use my walking stick as support but he told me if I want to walk normally again, this is what I have to do. He left me there to practice by myself for a while. After a few laps, I thought I might use to rails for light support so I can take even bigger step with my right foot. Suddenly, I heard a voice from behind:" if you touch the rails again, I'm going to cut off your arms!". I didn't know Gavin was standing behind me watching and this gave me a fright - I actually jumped!

He got me to practice going up and down the stairs a few more times and I think I was getting better at it. The session just felt so long. I looked at the clock and couldn't believe that it's only been an hour - it felt like forever and I was feeling a bit tired. Gavin finally looked at the time and finished the session. I've made another appointment for Thursday morning. When he handed the walking stick back to me he told me I could carry it since I don't need it anyway. I was a bit relieved that the session has finished and I can finally go home. When I was walking to the taxi, I thought about what Gavin said about my walking stick but I thought since it's outdoor, I might just use it a little bit for balance. I should know better not to cheat! Half way to my taxi, Gavin stormed out from the other door and said:"I told you not to use the stick, you can carry it but can't use it!" I think I'll leave the stick home when I see him on Thursday.

When Tim got home, I told him about what happened in my physio session. He was quite amused. He thinks Gavin is good. He thinks anyone who pushes me is good!

We took Lillian to my parents after dinner. Tim has to run a workshop tomorrow and Wednesday and because it finishes at 6 p.m., it would be too late to pick up Lillian from childcare - it closes at 6 p.m. On our way back, I couldn't help talking about whether people see me as disabled. I mentioned to Tim that maybe I'm overexposed to it so when I see someone who walks with a limp or in a wheelchair, I don't think it's strange or think they are disabled. I told Tim that there are lots of amputees at MECRS and when I see them, my immediate reaction is never they are disabled but they have a limb missing (probably due to diabetes). Tim asked me who do I think is disabled then. I thought about it for a while and said Christopher Reeve. He thought my definition of disabled seems extreme. I don't know why I'm so obsessed about this subject. Maybe I should shift my focus on my rehab instead of wasting energy on this.

4 March 2005

I didn't feel like getting up in the morning. I had to get up early because I had swim group at 9 a.m. and I had to be ready by 8.15 a.m. for taxi pick up. It was still quite dark when I got up. Lillian seemed to be a bit better this morning so Tim decided to take her to childcare. They left before my taxi arrived. The taxi didn't turn up at 8.30 a.m. and I thought if I had to share it with other people like last week it might be a bit later than that. I waited anxiously in the study and finally, I saw a taxi coming from the other side of the road. I thought it might be for me so I quickly closed the blinds, pick up my bag and stick and opened the door. I was a bit upset that the taxi didn't stop right in front of our house but a few houses down. I rushed to it and was cursing it all the way. I thought it was a bit strange that there were no other passengers in the taxi. It turned out that this taxi was for no.53 - a few houses down from us. I wondered where my taxi was because it was so close to 9.00 a.m. A few minutes later, I saw another taxi coming from the other side of the street and this time, it was for me.

My swim group had not started when I got there - I was a bit surprised because it was already 9.05 a.m. Yvette turned up a bit later and told us all to get in the pool. There was another new person joining us today. Yvette asked me wha would I like to achieve from this. I didn't tell her that this is the last time I'm in the swim group at MECRS because I'm going to Epworth next week. I told her that I just want to do what I was doing before - breast stroke with my head above the water. She got me do to a little bit of that but I kept going around in a circle - my right arm and leg were doing all the work. She got me to practice just using my arms only with a float around me - this made me feel like a little kid just starting to swim. After a while, I was able to go more in a straight line and not around in a circle anymore. I think this has been good exercise for me and felt a bit sad that this would be the last time for me to attend.

After the swim group, I had a quick shower and went up to my gym session. Yvette was with another patient so she told me to start with the bike. This puzzled me a little bit - I thought I made it clear the other day that I have an exercise bike and a treadmill at home and I don't need to do those when I'm here! I didn't want to argue with her so I hopped on the exercise bike unwillingly. After about 10 minutes, Edna came over and told me to stop the bike and she got me to do the treadmill. I felt like asking her which part of "I don't need to do treadmill and bike here " don't they understand but I thought there's no point offending them anyway since I'm finishing up here anyway. In a way, I'm glad that I didn't have a good session at the gym because I won't have any regrets in going to Epworth. There's nothing I'll miss about this place.

In the afternoon, I had an appointment with Dale, the social worker. I told him about how Catherine's comments upset me. He thinks it's good that I don't see myself as a disabled person. He said a lot of people he dealt with felt like that - nobody likes to be labelled as disabled. He always reminds me what I was like when he first met me - I was not able to get to the taxi from the house because I couldn't walk down the curb without help. I've almost forgotten how little I could do when I first got home 6 months ago. I think I'm going to miss our coffee sessions.

3 March 2005

I had a massage session with Judy this morning. She's very happy to hear that I'll be going to Epworth for physio from next week. She thinks MECRS doesn't work me hard enough and there's not enough for her to work on me on a weekly basis and she thinks that will change once I start my physio sessions with Gavin.

After my massage session, I was trying to get ready for my sessions at MECRS. It's strange to think that these could be my last sessions at MECRS. The taxi actually turned up early, fortunately I was all ready to go.

I couldn't really concentrate in my hydro session. I kept thinking about what Catherine said last night and the the possibility of a permanent impairment dawned on me. I really wished she didn't mention it. Being a physio herself, I wished she would be more encouraging - such as commenting on how much progress I've made instead of labelling me a disabled person. I guess the fact that she worked at MECRS a long time ago may have something to do with it.

I told Fiona in my physio session that I've spoken with Gavin and I'll be going to Epworth next Monday. She was nice enough to give me till next Tuesday to discharge me just to make sure that I'll definitely be going to Epworth. So this would not be my last physio session with her then.

After I got back from MECRS, Neil came around to help me with my exercises. I had not seen him for a while because I was not feeling well last week or so. He added more books to my "Mt Everest" since he thought the old pile was too easy for me. I'll have to ask Tim to take a photo for me just to prove that I can actually do it.

2 March 2005

I didn't have any session at MECRS today so I was able to go with my own pace and started the day with the exercise bike and mini stepper and then calf stretches.

I had a physio session with Prema in the afternoon. We mainly worked on the arm today. I told her that I want to be able to put my left hand behind my back so I can do up my bra strap. She said that's actually a combination of various shoulder actions - including extension and internal rotation of the shoulder. She has given me some exercises to do when she was here last week. This time, she checked my shoulder again to see the progress. Without any assistance, I could reach T12. She tried to manipulate my shoulder a bit and afterwards I could reach T8.

After Prema left, I was trying to get ready for this evening. We've been invited to Catherine's place for dinner tonight. Catherine visited me every week when I was at MECRS. She and her husband, Steve, are good friends with Tim's brother, Jamie and his wife Christella.

Lillian seems to have caught some kind of virus when she returned from childcare. I gave her a quick bath and put on some clean clothes on her and we were ready to go. The traffic was so bad that we got to Catherine's place in Mt Albert around 7.30 pm - it took us about 1 hour to get there.

The dinner went quite well until Catherine mentioned that her daughter, Rebecca, wanted to ask me a question. At first I thought it was some kind of accounting question but Catherine said no, Rebecca is doing a school project and needs to look up famous people who have disabilities but there is aslo one question: "do you know anyone who has a disability?" Catherine told her that she could speak to me about it. I was stunned for a few seconds. I guess I never see myself as a disabled person and was quite offended by this. I really wished she never mentioned this. I've come a long way since after the operation and have always felt quite positive until now. I hate to think what would a stranger think if a family friend sees me as a disabled person.