28 July 2006

This must be the first time in a while that I post two blogs in a row!

I went to Epworth for physio this morning. I wasn't sure whether Gavin was going to be there given that he was sick on Wednesday. I didn't hear from the receptionist before I left the house so he must be in today. When I walked in the physio treatment room, Gavin was there treating another patient. I thought I saw some scar on his nose but didn't take much notice and just set up a trampoline and started my warmup as usual. It's not until he walked closer I realised that the scar wasn't just on his nose, there were few others on his face as well. I asked him what happened. He told me he passed out and fell on his face and broke his teeth as well. At first, I thought he was only joking. But when I looked more closely, I noticed that his teeth were chipped. I couldn't stop laughing because he just looked so funny. Every time I looked at him, I just had this uncontrollable laugh - something I had at MECRS at one stage. I think Rosemary would probably remember that. I felt so horrible that he had a misfortune and there I was, laughing my head off. In the end, I had to take off my glasses so I couldn't see him so I could stop laughing.

I had my ankle taped again today so I can do some practice in hoping sideways. It's a bit hard to expain what it looks like but it's something that I need to be able to do if I want to do BodyStep properly. It looks a bit like side steps performed on a step with only one foot on the step. If I start with my right foot up on the step, then I need to step/hop my left foot up on the step and bring the right foot down the step sideways. When I showed him the BodyStep DVD last week, he taped my ankle and asked me to practice hopping sideways. Today, he said he'd add a step so I'd need to hop up and down the step. When he was taping my ankle, I explained to him that one of the deficits I still have since my surgery is that I cannot control my emotions and subtleness has never been my forte. I was trying to justify why I laughed at his misfortune. I feel guilty and a bit embarrassed that I laughed at him like that. I was so rude. I'm glad I didn't have my contact lenses on today, otherwise, i would never be able to stop laughing at him. I thought about start wearing contact lenses again since I go to the gym and classes all the time and in some classes such as boxing and pilates, it would certainly be easier with contact lenses.

I'm glad I had my ankle taped because when I was practising, my left foot actually slipped and I almost twisted my ankle. I would definetely hurt it if I didn't have my ankle taped.

I was glad that I was able to verify this question I had fo\r a while with Gavin today. All my therapists, from personal trainer to even my massage therapist, think that I might be over training a bit given that I do between 10 to 13 sessions of gym and classes a week. Ana, the gym staff/exercise physiologist, thinks I'm definitely over trained but she is not sure whether it's a problem in my case. I asked Gavin about that and he said defintely not. I told him that I remember asking him about what I should do last year and he told me that I have to work very hard at the gym till I'm absoultely stuffed. He said that's right. I told him that you can only feel really stuffed a few times and then you have to increase the intensity of the workout to feel stuffed and that's how I got to 13 sessions now. He said the only problem may be that I over train and I feel very run down and walk worse because I'm very tired but otherwise, there is no problem at all. I also asked him about weight traing and how some people say you can't do weights every day because the muscles need time to repair themselves. He thought in my case it doesn't matter because I'm not a body builder and I'm not using heavy weights. It's reassuring to find out from him because now I have the license to do even more :-)

I told him that what doctors don't tell you is that you have to work extremely hard to get fit and the fitter you are, the less you will be affected by fatique. I mentioned to him that I never knew rehab could be so much fun and I think I'm fitter than I have ever been. He didn't think so. He said he thought I would have been pretty fit before when i was dancing. I don't know about that, maybe I was but I just didn't know. I know this sounds really sick but I'm actually very happy with all the gym sessions and classes and am quite excited about leaaring and acquiring new skills. I told him that sometimes it's dangerous to be distracted by all the differnt classes you can go to and I was quite excited about this new short course that's coming soon - a short course in kick boxing. But then again, I may be setting too many goals and got all distracted by too many things and not focusing on more important things such as running and gait. He didn't think so. He thought it's good to go to all different classes and he thought I should check out kick boxing just to see what it's like.

27 July 2006

I feel that I had to take somes time to update the blog because of something happened yesterday. I guess it wasn't particularly special but to me it made me feel a sense of schievement.

I went to the usual BodyPump class yesteday afternoon after my session with Prema. I decided to get there a bit earlier and queue up in the line since the classes get pretty crowded when the semester started again on Monday. The Wednesday 5.20 pm class is usually crowded because many people who work at the University attend as well. I always try to get a spot near the wall and the weights so I can use the wall for balance when we stretch the quads. It's also good to be near the weights so I don't have far to carry them.

I was the first one in the queue so I sat down and waited. Then,another girl in an Ormond College jumper came and queued up after me and then a whole lot of other people queued up as well. I noticed that this Ormond College girl was standing and kept bending over and stretching. At first, I thought she has a bad back. Then, she started talking to someone she knew. She told the other person that she went to Cardio Boxing on Monday night and BodyPump on Tuesday morning and that just didi it. She said she's so sore and if she sits down, she wouldn't be able to get up again. I know it probably doesn't sound any special to peopleI guess what she said may not mean anything to most people but it meant a lot to me. I wasn't feeling well from Monday so I only went to the gym in the morning before going to work and didn't go to any classes that ervening. But I well made up for it on Tuesday - went to BodyPump and then 1.5 hours of gym and then rushed back to get the car to see my doctor and then rush back to a Cardio Box class before rushing back home to grab some lunch and then rush back to the gym for personal training and more gym after personal traing. And then rushed back home to cook before rushing back for BodyBalance class. Ok, this sounds really long winded but I had abbout 6 hours of gym, classes and personal training and I was feeling abit tired but not so sore that I couldn't move. I guess this means I'm actually fitter than a normal person. Isn't that a wonderful feeling? I guess I never actually thought about it before that although I have some disabilities but I'm actually quite fit these days. Tim said the amount of traing I do these days is equivalent to the amount of traing an elite atheletic would have done.

Another thing worth mentioning is that the rehab world seems so small and everyone know everyone. I got up at 5.30 a.m. yesterday morning and went to the gym before my pilates class. I thought I'd better do it this way so I don't have to walk up and down to the gym 3 times sine I was going to Epworth for physio after pilates. My phone rang in the class. My bag was right next to me but I didn't bother anwsering it. I thought it can only be two persons rining me this early in the morning - either Tim can't find something or Gavin reschedulling my appointment. In either case, it would annoy me greatly when I have bad PMT, it's best not taking the phone and just check the message later. It turned out that Gavin is away sick and the receptionist called to tell me not to go in. This is so wierd. I was happy in a way because I've never seen Gavin sick. When I had the flu on the weekend, I was just thinking that I wonder if he ever gets sick because I've never seen him taken and sick leave. Ok, I have now.

I was a little a bit annoyed because had I known he's sick, I could have slept in for another half an hour and go to the gym after pilates. Now I suddenly had more time at my hand, the natural place to go is the GYM. I went bacx to the gym and did it all over again. When I was about 6 minutes into my workout on the elliptical, a girl came up to me and said hello. At first, I was annoyed, thinking she might be waiting for the elliptical I was on. I had an incident with another guy aq few weeks ago that he wanted me to stick to the gym policy that there's a 30 min restriction on all cardio equipment during peak hours. I had already finished myt 30 min and was doing the 5 min cooldown. He stood right next to the machine and wouldn't leave until I cut short of my cooldown. I thought this girl was going to ask me when I'd finish etc. It turned out that she works at the gym and also worked with Erica, the boxing instructor who is alsdo a physio. Erica told her about me. She told me she works at the gym and she thought there maybe things that she can help me with. She also told me she knows Gavin as well. It's very nice of her but it feels really wierd having people go up to you and ask you if you had a stroke and claims that they know your physio or some instructor for a class.

I actually went to see her this morning at the gym. I thought I might as well give that a try because you never know what you might benefit from that. Given that she has a lot of experience with people like me, it's probably better to see her than just any gym staff. She went through some exercises with me and wrote up a program for me.

I went to another BodyPump class after lunch. I had 10 sessions already and it's only Thursday. I guess I feel time is running out for me and I'm just working really hard like if there is no tomorrow. I have another appointment with an occupational physician in 2 weeks. This time, I don't think I can say that I can't increase my work hours or I think it may jeopardise my work situation. I don't know what my GP was thinking when he was writing a report to her. He told her that I'm most unlikely to get better physically than I already am and that I most definitely have cognitive deficits and a neuropsychological test should be done. I don't know what sort of drugs he was on when he wrote this to her but he definitely fxxxked up this time. I'm still upset with him because it was bad enough that he didn't refer me to have a scan when I first had bad headaches aqnd dizziness and now it's this. I guess there is nothing much i can do now except just get on with my life as normal until I have to deal with it. I know this sounds really sick but I'm actually enjoying doing rehab now. Sometimes, I'm thinking 'isn't it so wrong to enjoy rehab and think it's almost the best time in your life?'

19 July 2006

I promised Neil that I'd update the blog as soon as I can so here it is. I usually work on the Mondays but this week I'm working on the Friday instead because there is a team lunch and my manager thought it would be nice if I could attend. I think it's nice of him to include me but honestly, I'd rather spend 2 hours at the gym instead of having a long lunch. I couldn't tell him that. I had to change all my appointments just for that. The problem is people who don't me well think I have nothing to do when I'm not at work. They don't know how many gym/class and physio sessions I have in a week. I normally go to physio at Epworth on Tuesdays and Fridays but since I'm working this Friday I thought I'd better change it to Monday and Wednesday so I can stay for the running group after physio. I have been to the running group a couple of times on the Wednesday but haven't been for a while.

It was quite an experience to attend the Monday running group. I have never been to the one on Mondays because of work. The people in the group are very friendly. I've already met Sam, another Gavin's patient, previously. When I got to physio, he was already there. When I was warming up on the trampoline, he was practising walking up the stairs. I noticed that his left arm was in some kind of plaster so I asked him if he's borken his arm. That must have been a bad question because he looked at me strangely and said very slowly ' it's a splint'. I was stupid enough to ask him again if he has broken his arm. I seriously thought he had a broken arm because the way his arm was placed - slightly bent and holding up like someone who has a broken arm in a sling. He told me he has to wear the splint because the brain injury causes the arm to tense up. He then asked me if he looked very strange like that. I felt so bad because if I should know better having gone through that myself. My arm was like that when I was still at MECRS and since my arm and shoulder have gotten better, I have almost forgotten how bad I was before. I felt terrible that I made him feel self concious. I didn't know what to say to him and worse still, I even forgot to tell him that I was like that once.

I then noticed that many guys in the running group are like that as well. They are running much better and faster than I do but therir arms look funny - they all have one arm bent and holding up like they have a broken arm. I think I'm extremely lucky that I had the help from Neil and Rosemary and also Prof Kaye's referral to an orthopaedic so my arm looks a lot more normal than these people. A couple of the guys in the group had stroke around the same time I had my surgery so our injuries must have occurred around the same time. I don't know how much treatment they had or their details but all I could see was that they have 'funny' arms even though they can run faster than I can.

I even met a financial planner, Rob, in the group. I was quite surprised to find another financial planner in such a place and who also was disgusted by the way you have to sell the products to get the commission. Rob's injury is on the left side of the brain so he said he couldn't even speak when he first had the injury and the doctors told him he may never be able to speak again. I thought he's done remarkably well because he was speaking quite well and I couldn't tell that his speech was affected. There you go - another pessimistic prognosis by doctors which has proven to be wrong again. Another thing I noticed is that almost everyone I spoke to in the group thinks they have bad memories and told me they may not remember my name. I told them not to worry because I'm the same. I wonder if they really have bad memories or just another prognosis by the specialist which becomes the self fullfilling prophecy. I sometimes freak out when I forget something but Tim always thinks it's ok to be forgetful sometimes because we all do that from time to time.

For quite a long time, I alway felt I was hard done by and felt that my effort and achievement not recognised by other people and I wished that everybody knows what I have been through and would recognise my effort and give me some credit. Going to the running group and meeting all these people made me realised that I was hard done by but I was not the only one and comparing to some of them, my situation is not that bad. I'm very grateful for the support of people who care about me like Tim and his family , my family and Neil and Rosemary. I forgot to mention that Rosemary wrote me a really nice letter a couple of months ago about rewarding myself for my achievement - her ispiration comes from reading a book about dog training which she is trying to apply to her cat, Oscar. The way to reward myself is to have a list of all the landmark events so when I look back I can see the progress I've made. I have a very long list and I'm planning to have it on the blog one day. I guess the reason I mention this is because in the running group on Monday, I suddenly realised something. I think I was so self indulged in my unfortunate experience and thinking I was so hard done by all these time and feeling that everyone should respect me for what I've achieved so far. I felt that people should give me more credit and was even thinking that my story should be made known to the public - like in the trashy newspaper or local paper or something so people would know who I am and respect for what I had to do to get to this stage. When I looked at Gavin and Chris (an exercise physiologist who also teaches running), they have done a lot for these people but they don't go around and expect people to know what they have done for the people who have had brain injuries. I felt embarrassed and childish to feel that I needed credits for being able to walk or run. I wouldn't be able to run without their help.

Another thing I must mention and I promised Neil that I would. Rosemary gave me a cake recipe with that letter she wrote knowing that I'm learning to bake but haven't had much experience. I think she'll be proud of me to know that i have been baking at least one cake a week ever since. One of the things on my to do list is to be able to bake nice cakes and I think I'm half way there.

7 July 2006

Fisrt dairy entry in over a month. The latest news is that I saw Professor Kaye on Monday after my recent MRI scan. I was really nervous about the appointment and insisted that Tim accompany me to the appointment. When we walked in Prof Kaye's office, he smiled and said 'it's good to get you out of the gym'. I have bumped into him a few times at the gym before so he knows I'm a gym junkie. The good news is that my scan result is normal. There are no changes since my last scan. Prof Kaye was very impressed with my improvement and he said it's amazing to see some of the things I do at the gym. I think he might be referring to the running I do on the step machine. One of the exercises I do is set the step machine to the highest level so I can run very fast on it. Gavin said it's good practicew for my running so I have been doing that for a while now. I was a little bit embarrassed when he carried on a bit about my progress. I guess he remembered how bad I was right after the operation so from not being able to wiggle my toes to going to the gym is a big improvement. I told him that one thing I found strange is that specialists often don't tell you that you have to work very hard to get better and the harder you work the faster you improve. Tim also told him that it's frustrating that most rehab specialists will tell you that you will never recover but they won't tell you that if you work hard you will recover more than if you just give up. I haven't put this in my blog yet but I told Prof Kaye that I couldn't do pushups or chin ups before and now I can do both.

I didn't know I can do chin ups until last Friday in physio. I have been having problem with my lfet knee since Tuesday so I couldn't do my running practice last Friday. Gavin got me to do so upper limb exercises since I couldn't do much with the legs. I was actually craving for a good workout by that stage because I had to cut back on my sessions due to my knee problem. He asked me to do a few set of push up s first. He told me to go down lower that I should feel I almost can't get up. It's much harder to go down lower. After the pushups, he asked me to do the chin ups and tricep dips on the machine. I tried to use the machine almost a year ago and it was very difficult back then and I always wondereed if I can do it now every time I go to the gym. The machine at the gym is quite hard to get on so I haven't actually tried. Gavin asked me to try the chin ups and the dips in sitting first. The machine is really desiged for kneeling but it's much harder for the patients to do them in kneeling so there is a box under the machine for patients to step on to get on the machine in either sitting or kneeling.

The machine is designed in such a way that you can adjust it to your body weight so it's easier to do the chin ups. Gavin set the number/level for me but when I tried it was quite easy in the tricep dips so he had to adjust it harder. He said he under estimated me. I told him it could be due to BodyPump classes because they sometimes do tricep dips in the classes. The chin ups was hard but not impossible. After a few sets, Gavin asked me to get off the machine and then try it in kneeling. To my surprise, it's not that hard to do it in kneeling. I'm quite excited by this new achievement. When I told Tim about it, he just think I'm cheating a bit with the chin ups because it's assisted by the machine and it's not the real chin ups. I suppose he expects me to do chin ups like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.

Apart from my sore knee, everything is fine. I've started taking juggling lessons from Kate, one of Neil's students. Apart from studying, she also works at a circus and teaches people juggling. When Neil mentioned this to me, I thought I should take it up because I'd be kicking myself later if I had this opportunity and didn't take it. I also signed up for a boxing short course with Neil. It's cardio boxing but the instructor is from a real boxing background and he teaches a lot of boxing techniques in the course. I have been to cardio box classes with Tim many times and I really hate it. I guess that's the reason I signed up - I really hate it but I think it's good for me. Things I hate doing are often good for me - pilates, aerobics and walking down the big stairs in physio. I think I used to hate the stairs the most, then pilates and then boxing and aerobics but nowq it's more like aerobics, boxing, pilates and stairs. I know my rehab time is limited because I will have to increase my work hours eventually so I'm just trying to do as much as possible now so I won't have any regrets.

I have also discovered a new class - BodyBalance. It's another one of those Les Mills fitness class. It has a combination of TaiChi, Pilates and Yoga. I went to my usual aerobics class on Monday night and Donna, the usual instructor for the class, was away. Mary, another instructor, took the class. I spoke to her afterwards and she thought I had a broken leg. I told her I had a stroke because it's too hard to explain all the details. She told me she teaches BodyBalance and it might be good for me to try it out. So, there I was. I have to be honest to say that I didn't enjoy the class. It's too alternative for me. I'm not really into those mind- body type of exercises or even meditation. However, I might try out a few other sessions just to see if it improves. Maybe it will be like boxing, I really hated it when I signed up for the course but now I learned a lot more I'm beginning to like it more.