26 October 2006

I haven't updated my blog for a while. It's mainly because I have been feeling quite depressed lately. Just last week I suddenly found that the old feeling of ' I don't want to be alive anymore' has come back again. I haven't felt like that for quite a while now. Not since I have become a gym junkie. I'm still busy with lots of gym sessions and classes but I think the fact that Gavin really irritates me these days doesn't help in my rehab.

I used to think he is great but now when I go to physio I feel that he just neglects me and pay far more attention to other patients. I hate it when he is starting to sound like John Olver and other rehab specialists as well. Last week, he told me that he doesn't think I'll ever be able to skip. Not that I care very much whether I can skip or not because how often do you need to skip in every day life? I can't stand the negative prognosis. To make the matter worse, he implied that my progress has plateaued (I think he meant running) and he told me that sometimes I just need to do something different to make a change. He told me about some guy whose running has plateaued until he got a dog and he startyed taking the dog for a run and his suddenly improved. I felt like telling him where to go because I don't think my running has plateaued, it's just that he spent far more time with his other patient, Chris and didn't really care how I ran. In fact, when I went to physio yesterday, Chris was there from 1 pm. He had physio from 1 to 2 with his arm and from 2 to 3 he was in the running group. He was still there when I left. Gavin didn't spend any time look at my running. He just left me with another physio or exercise physiologist, Jacquline. In a way, I think it's better because I had an hour of one on one session with her and for the first time, I can actually run in a straight line. I have never been able to run in a straight line before and Gavin was always saying that I have perceptual spatial problem etc. heard them talking about me and I think Gavin said something about my problem being quite severe but I couldn't hear all the details. I was a bit upset at first when Gavin spent the whole hour with other patients but then I remember what Neil told me a while ago when I was upset that one day I spent the whole hour on my own in the running group because Gavin was away and Chris, the exercise physiologist had taken everyone else to the oval and because I can't run outdoors I was left on my own. I spent the whole hour running on my own without any coaching and my running really improved since then. I complained to Neil that I had such a bad day in rehab and he told me that I should just focus on my progress. When I was upset yesterday that Gavin spent the whole hour looking at other patients' running I thought abo confronting him and just give him a piece of my mind but then I remembered what Neil said ' just focus on the progress' and I followed his advice. I think it was good that Jacqueline spent the whole hour with me helping me with running because I would not have made such progress otherwise. Gavin will be away for the next two weeks so I will see Jacqueline instead. I think it's good to have a change.

I now feel that maybe rehab is a bit like working in accounting firms - same shit, differenyt bucket. I used to think that maybe I would have made more progress if I had gone to Epworth in the first place but now I think I would probably just be the same if not worse. In fact, I suspect I might even be worse because I don't think I would have a functional left arm judging by what other patients are like there. I think Neil and Rosemary make much better therapists compare to the rehab experts. I also mentioned to Tim that I used to think Fary, the rehab specialist at MECRS, was bad but I think John is just as bad. They are both pessimistic but the difference is Fary at least wants to be liked so she tends to be nice to people. John, on the other hand, doesn't give a damn about how other people think of him so he can be a real dickhead sometimes.

Another reason for me to update the blog is due to something really funny happened yesterday and I must mention it. I almost killed someone at the gym yesterday. I was in the middle of doing some exercise with Unna and then she left me there to do something on my own while she had to go to the office for something. There I was in the heavy weight area using a weight bench for my exercise when a guy came over and asked me to be his spotter. I wasn't sure what a spotter is for so I asked him what does he want me to do. He told me just 'spot' for him. I told him I don't know how so he told me I just need to watch him. I thought, 'ok, I guess I can just watch him'. I went over to his bench, he was doing bench press with 40 kg plates plus the bar - all together probably about 60 kg. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do so I just stood there and watched him like he asked me to. He looked pretty tired by the end of the first set and couldn't put the bar back on the rack and he was looking at me for help... I thought ' you've got to be kidding me... what do you expect me to do... I couldn't possibly lift up 60 kg of weight'. His face turned red and was really struggling... I thought about just walk away and get back to my exercises when Unna returned and saved him.

6 October 2006

First dairy entry in about a month. I must admit that I feel a little bit depressed about my progress (or should I say 'regress'). I had a chest infection last month when Tim was away in the U.S. and the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics. I haven't felt quite the same ever since then. I don't know if antibiotics would have such effects on people but somehow I feel quite weak ever since then. I know my walking has certainly regressed - somehow I have less control over my left knee and the hip. I haven't had knee hyperextension problem for a long time but now it has started again. I found myself staggering when I tried to walk in a fast pace to go to the gym in the mornings. I don't think it's just my imagination because both Prema and Judy have noticed that, too. Judy thinks I look a lot stiffer when I walk and Prema thinks my movement seem a bit jerky but they don't know what triggered the change. I guess one thing I have done differently is that I have stopped going to aerobics classes. All the BodyStep classes seem to become extremely popular about 6 weeks ago and all the classes are full. I found my ankle tend to invert a lot more when there are too many people around me and the sound of them going up and down the steps always trigger the inversion. The last time I was there, the inversion was so bad and I had to hold on to the wall for balance. I left the room as soon as there was a chance for me to do so and have not been back since. In a way, I'm very resentful because the class is full of Asian girls. Not that there is anything wrong with it but I can just tell that they are not serious fitness people and they choose to go to BodyStep because it's a bit like going dancing and it's fun to do that. I think most of them are just too lazy to go to the gym and BodyStep is the only exercise they do. I can see that most of them don't even work very hard when they are in the class. I guess I'm just having a big whinge because I think I need the class a lot more than they do but because they just mob all the classes so I don't get an opportunity to go.

Another thing I find EXTREMELY annoying is Gavin. I know I always rave about him in the past but somehow I think he may have gone past the 'use by date' in terms of my rehab. When I complained to him about my ankle inversion has gotten worse in aerobics and my walking has gotten worse as well, he introduced me to meet Steve, an orthotist who often visits his patients at the hospital. Steve got me to try on an Ankle Foot Orthosis (AFO) which Gavim said should help me with my walking and also to stop the inversion. I tried it on but couldn't feel any immediate improvement in my walking. The AFO looks so ugly and goes right up to my shin so if I were to wear it to the aerobics class, people would definitely be staring at me. When I found out that it costs $700 or $800, I thought 'you must be kidding me'. They told me it's made of something carbon(can't remember the name) so it's ultra light. In any case, I don't think I would spend that amount of money on something which I can't really feel the benefit. Gavin told me he's not pushing me to buy it but just to get me to try it on and see because some other patients of his wears them and found them quite good. I told him maybe I'll think about it in winter but with summer coming up, I don't think I would want to wear something like that. He got me to try a different type of ankle brace which he said it's similar to taping the ankle. It's an ankle brace that you need to lace up like a boot. I have been wearing that for a couple of weeks now but haven't actually tried it for running. When Gavin asked me to put it on for running on Wednesday, I asked him if I'm taking a step back because previously I didn't need it for running but now I do. He said it's better for me to wear it until I can run properly and then wean off the brace. I wonder why he only suggested this now - almost 18 months later. Before I could run, Judy has always wondered why couldn't I wear my ankle brace and learn to run with it. We both thought maybe it's because it uses different muscles so if I learn to run with the brace I won't be able to run without it. I guess I'm just annoyed that it took me so long to be able to run and I'm not progressing as fast as some of the other guys there. I have been going to the running group for a while now and there is this young guy, Chris, also a patient of Gavin's, in the group I'm in. There are a few of us in this group and we always stay indoors for running pracice while others jump on a bus and head for the oval. We are not ready for outdoor running yet - so we were told. I have been quite annoyed by Chris for a while now because he is sooooooo pesky. He requires Gavin's undivided attention every time he runs. He would not run unless Gavin is watching and he wants feed back after each run. It's really tiring to be in the same group with him because when he gets more attention, others get less - and I'm the one who gets less attention. I don't want to be petty but somehow I feel that Chris is improving fast at my expense. What really upset me was when Gavin mentioned to me on Wednesday that he'll need to look at my plan for the next 3 to 6 months and maybe I need to have another assessment to see if my progress has plateaued. He should never mention that word because I get really mad when I hear it. I almost used the f word on him when I heard that. I don't think my progress has plateaued at all because I'm cobstantly learning new things and found that sometimes I can't do something in one class but suddenly am able to do it in the next class. If my progress has plateaued, this wouldn't have happened.

O.K. I'm just having a big whinge but I'm starting to have my doubts on Gavin. I think he treats too many patients at once and he probably don't remember all the details. Recent program on the Health Report (ABC Radio National)stated that 'only one in two patients receives the healthcare they should receive according to evidence' makes me doubt Gavin and I'm just worried that I'm not getting the best treatment I could possibly have and I may not reach my full potential. Judy thinks I should ask him about how much more improvement does he think I will have. I don't think that's a good idea because I think that's a bit too provocative. He will probably start to sound like John Olver and start to give me a totally negative prognosis. I guess I'm just a bit fade up with all the rehab professionals and I don't really trust them.

I haven't mentioned this but last Wednesday there was a bit of drama at the gym. I went to the gym after my Pilates class and just as I was finishing my exercise on the elliptical, the fire alarm went off. I looked around and nobody seem to worry about it and just carried on with their workout. I thought ok, maybe it's just a drill and continued on with my exercise until a gym staff told everyone to get out. Everyone just bolted towards their bags and then got out. The staff told everyone to leave their bags and just get out but nobody listened, including me. I guess if the building gets burnt down, I'll still need my key to get in the house. I was the last one to get out. It just made me realise that I really need to take running more seriously. I need to be able to run spontaneously because in situations like that, I won't have time to warm up on the trampolilne first and then run.