25 August 2007

I didn't expect to update the blog so soon but something happened yesterday that really upset me so I'm just using the blog as a way of venting my feeling.

Tim and I went dancing again last night and it was absolutely disastrous. We went there a little bit later than last time so we didn't get to start with some of the easier dances. When the progressive dances came on, Tim was restless and tried to talk me into doing it. I insisted that I'd stay out because it's hard enough to dance with him, not to mention with strangers who don't know my condition. He didn't want to sit through 3 progressives with me so he asked someone else to join in. That's fine except I was left alone by myself. I felt really stupid and self conscious and uncomfortable. I didn't know anybody there so there was nobody to talk to.

That was just the begging of it. When some of the dances I can do came on, I told Tim I'd like to try those but by that stage he was already sweaty and disgusting. He reckons he was just warmed up. The problem is we haven't danced together for a long time and he's forgotten most of the dances. For the New Vouge dances it's ok because it's a form of line dance and you can just follow the people in front. I've been working on these with Adam for sometime now and he's modifed many of the tricky steps so I can do them more easily. Tim doesn't know these modifications so it's a bit tricky when he tried to lead me into things that I can't do (yet). I found it hard enough to keep up with the music and Tim's huge steps didn't help. When we were competing, we were so used to take big steps so I think it's hard for him to change the size of his steps to accommodate me. At one stage, it was so bad that he literally picked me up and put me where he wanted me to go. It was very uncomfortable and humiliating. To make it worse, when I suggested that we'd do the next dance I know, he refused and told me that I'm not up to a stage that I can do the social dance yet. I know most of the new vogue waltzes finish with a rotary chaise and it's a bit fast and more high impact and I have problem getting around and do it at full speed. Because of this, people behind us often crash into us. Tim thinks it's inconsiderate that we're slowing people down or blocking there way. I see his point but how can I get better if I don't get my practice?

I think the way he put it to me was extremely insulting and demoralizing. I was almost in tears and just feel like punching something. It's almost as ridiculous as when I first started going to BodyPump and Alex thought I wasn't up to standard to go and I should do personal training instead. I really don't give a shit about how other dancers feel that I'm blocking their way. If they are so good, can't they just avoid the collision? How many of them had hemiplegia and had to relearn everything?

I also feel resentful that I don't get any sympathy or respect from others there. When we were sitting there arguing, the girl who Tim has asked to dance with previously came over to have a chat. I found out that she is the dance partner of one of the teachers there so she must be very good. When I told her that I've had a brain injury and had to relearn how to walk and to dance. She didn't seem to understand. I mentioned a TAC ad a while back about this woman who had a car accident and had to relearn how to walk and speak again. She still didn't seem to understand because she didn't seem that surprised that I'm back on the dance floor again. I guess I was expecting people to say something nice like ' you're amazing or you're so inspirational' like I often get when I told people I met at the gym but not much reaction from the dance community. Strange.

I feel so unappreciated, especially from Tim. When I told him I couldn't follow his lead, he didn't believe the problem was him because he had no problem dancing with strangers, so the problem must be me. I admit that I still have a lot of work to do but I think he's forgotten that 3 years ago I couldn't even walk and they didn't know whether I'd be able to walk again. So far, I've proven the rehab specialist's prognosis wrong. I worked my butt off to get here. He didn't think it's a good indication that I'm ready to go social dancing just because when I danced with Adam, my dance teacher, I could keep up with music and had no problem. He said a world champion dancer can adapt to any situation and compensate for my short comings. That may be true but I still think I should not be blamed for everything. He wasn't listening when I said to him a few months ago that I got so bored dancing with my teacher all the time because he is so easy to dance with and I told him that my goal is to get back to dancing with him, not go back to dancing with my teacher. Was he listening, no. Now he thinks I'm just not ready to go social dancing yet. I think the problem is it's been a long time and he's forgotten a lot of it. To be able to dance together again, we'll l probably need to have some dance lesson together.

It was such a disastrous evening. I felt so unhappy afterwards and after what I've been through I really didn't need that. When I came home, I just felt like I needed to go for a run or go to the gym or something. I think maybe I've changed, I don't think I like dancing that much anymore. I find it more satisfying after a workout at the gym or a BodyPump class. Dancing doesn't seem to give me the same endorphin that gym work does, which keeps me happy. It's kind of ironic to say that the one thing that kept me going in rehab ended up being the one thing that I no longer enjoy doing.

19 August 2007

I have to update the blog because there is a landmark event to report. Tim and I went dancing last night. This was the first time we danced together since my operation. I think it may have been the first time we danced in 5 years or so. Tim had to look for where he stored his dance shoes and give the soles a good brush.

I have been having dance lesson with Adam for over 6 months now and I'm so used to dance with him now. It was a bit hard to adjust to dance with Tim again. I think I've forgotten what it's like to go social dancing when there are many other people on the dance floor. My brain has so much more to process - the music, the steps, Tim's lead and also the people around me.

I think I've done reasonably well considering 3 years ago I was completely paralysed and couldn't even walk. Tim thinks I haven't been working hard enough and that Adam doesn't push me hard enough. I told him that he can't expect everyone to be like Gavin.

It was kind of funny that nobody there seemed to notice that something is wrong with me. I was expecting people staring at me because I walk with a limp and probably dance funny but to my surprise nobody seemed to notice. I think many people just assumed that we are beginners and some even said to us that we picked the hardest ones to dance. It was also funny that when we tried to explain to someone that we haven't danced for years because I was recovering from a brain injury and relearning how to walk again that she told us there was one stage she stopped dancing and when she eventually got back, she couldn't even walk on the dance floor. Tim and I looked at each other and smiled. Tim said to her " oh, she did have a brain injury". but she didn't seem to get it. We knew there was no point explaining because I don't think anybody there would comprehend what I've been through and how hard I had to work to get there.

Tim was a bit offended when I told him the big difference between dancing with him and Adam is that Adam is so light and effortless and he doesn't pull me off my balance. Tim thinks it's unfair to compare with him with someone who is 6th in the world (Adam and his partner came sixth in the recent worlds 10 dance championship).

It's kind of strange that when I was at MECRS, the dance photo on the wall ( Tim put one of the dance wedding photo there) kept my spirits up and motivated. He always tells me that my ultimate goal is to get back to dancing and I have been telling myself that, too. I had to work extremely hard to get to this stage and when I finally went, it didn't seem that challenging and exciting. I know this may sound ungrateful but I told Tim somehow I feel it's more satisfying doing chin ups, pushups and lunges because they are physically demanding and challenging. I think my body is so used to working very hard and because I'm not dancing with full capacity, it's not as physically demanding as other exercises I do.

In any case, this is just a beginning of me getting back to dancing.

Today, Tim and I went to a spinning class together. We have been to one before but I didn't feel I worked at all. This time, there is a different instructor and I found he explains better than the other one and I had a really good workout. I now can understand why people go to spinning classes.