19 July 2006
I promised Neil that I'd update the blog as soon as I can so here it is. I usually work on the Mondays but this week I'm working on the Friday instead because there is a team lunch and my manager thought it would be nice if I could attend. I think it's nice of him to include me but honestly, I'd rather spend 2 hours at the gym instead of having a long lunch. I couldn't tell him that. I had to change all my appointments just for that. The problem is people who don't me well think I have nothing to do when I'm not at work. They don't know how many gym/class and physio sessions I have in a week. I normally go to physio at Epworth on Tuesdays and Fridays but since I'm working this Friday I thought I'd better change it to Monday and Wednesday so I can stay for the running group after physio. I have been to the running group a couple of times on the Wednesday but haven't been for a while.
It was quite an experience to attend the Monday running group. I have never been to the one on Mondays because of work. The people in the group are very friendly. I've already met Sam, another Gavin's patient, previously. When I got to physio, he was already there. When I was warming up on the trampoline, he was practising walking up the stairs. I noticed that his left arm was in some kind of plaster so I asked him if he's borken his arm. That must have been a bad question because he looked at me strangely and said very slowly ' it's a splint'. I was stupid enough to ask him again if he has broken his arm. I seriously thought he had a broken arm because the way his arm was placed - slightly bent and holding up like someone who has a broken arm in a sling. He told me he has to wear the splint because the brain injury causes the arm to tense up. He then asked me if he looked very strange like that. I felt so bad because if I should know better having gone through that myself. My arm was like that when I was still at MECRS and since my arm and shoulder have gotten better, I have almost forgotten how bad I was before. I felt terrible that I made him feel self concious. I didn't know what to say to him and worse still, I even forgot to tell him that I was like that once.
I then noticed that many guys in the running group are like that as well. They are running much better and faster than I do but therir arms look funny - they all have one arm bent and holding up like they have a broken arm. I think I'm extremely lucky that I had the help from Neil and Rosemary and also Prof Kaye's referral to an orthopaedic so my arm looks a lot more normal than these people. A couple of the guys in the group had stroke around the same time I had my surgery so our injuries must have occurred around the same time. I don't know how much treatment they had or their details but all I could see was that they have 'funny' arms even though they can run faster than I can.
I even met a financial planner, Rob, in the group. I was quite surprised to find another financial planner in such a place and who also was disgusted by the way you have to sell the products to get the commission. Rob's injury is on the left side of the brain so he said he couldn't even speak when he first had the injury and the doctors told him he may never be able to speak again. I thought he's done remarkably well because he was speaking quite well and I couldn't tell that his speech was affected. There you go - another pessimistic prognosis by doctors which has proven to be wrong again. Another thing I noticed is that almost everyone I spoke to in the group thinks they have bad memories and told me they may not remember my name. I told them not to worry because I'm the same. I wonder if they really have bad memories or just another prognosis by the specialist which becomes the self fullfilling prophecy. I sometimes freak out when I forget something but Tim always thinks it's ok to be forgetful sometimes because we all do that from time to time.
For quite a long time, I alway felt I was hard done by and felt that my effort and achievement not recognised by other people and I wished that everybody knows what I have been through and would recognise my effort and give me some credit. Going to the running group and meeting all these people made me realised that I was hard done by but I was not the only one and comparing to some of them, my situation is not that bad. I'm very grateful for the support of people who care about me like Tim and his family , my family and Neil and Rosemary. I forgot to mention that Rosemary wrote me a really nice letter a couple of months ago about rewarding myself for my achievement - her ispiration comes from reading a book about dog training which she is trying to apply to her cat, Oscar. The way to reward myself is to have a list of all the landmark events so when I look back I can see the progress I've made. I have a very long list and I'm planning to have it on the blog one day. I guess the reason I mention this is because in the running group on Monday, I suddenly realised something. I think I was so self indulged in my unfortunate experience and thinking I was so hard done by all these time and feeling that everyone should respect me for what I've achieved so far. I felt that people should give me more credit and was even thinking that my story should be made known to the public - like in the trashy newspaper or local paper or something so people would know who I am and respect for what I had to do to get to this stage. When I looked at Gavin and Chris (an exercise physiologist who also teaches running), they have done a lot for these people but they don't go around and expect people to know what they have done for the people who have had brain injuries. I felt embarrassed and childish to feel that I needed credits for being able to walk or run. I wouldn't be able to run without their help.
Another thing I must mention and I promised Neil that I would. Rosemary gave me a cake recipe with that letter she wrote knowing that I'm learning to bake but haven't had much experience. I think she'll be proud of me to know that i have been baking at least one cake a week ever since. One of the things on my to do list is to be able to bake nice cakes and I think I'm half way there.
It was quite an experience to attend the Monday running group. I have never been to the one on Mondays because of work. The people in the group are very friendly. I've already met Sam, another Gavin's patient, previously. When I got to physio, he was already there. When I was warming up on the trampoline, he was practising walking up the stairs. I noticed that his left arm was in some kind of plaster so I asked him if he's borken his arm. That must have been a bad question because he looked at me strangely and said very slowly ' it's a splint'. I was stupid enough to ask him again if he has broken his arm. I seriously thought he had a broken arm because the way his arm was placed - slightly bent and holding up like someone who has a broken arm in a sling. He told me he has to wear the splint because the brain injury causes the arm to tense up. He then asked me if he looked very strange like that. I felt so bad because if I should know better having gone through that myself. My arm was like that when I was still at MECRS and since my arm and shoulder have gotten better, I have almost forgotten how bad I was before. I felt terrible that I made him feel self concious. I didn't know what to say to him and worse still, I even forgot to tell him that I was like that once.
I then noticed that many guys in the running group are like that as well. They are running much better and faster than I do but therir arms look funny - they all have one arm bent and holding up like they have a broken arm. I think I'm extremely lucky that I had the help from Neil and Rosemary and also Prof Kaye's referral to an orthopaedic so my arm looks a lot more normal than these people. A couple of the guys in the group had stroke around the same time I had my surgery so our injuries must have occurred around the same time. I don't know how much treatment they had or their details but all I could see was that they have 'funny' arms even though they can run faster than I can.
I even met a financial planner, Rob, in the group. I was quite surprised to find another financial planner in such a place and who also was disgusted by the way you have to sell the products to get the commission. Rob's injury is on the left side of the brain so he said he couldn't even speak when he first had the injury and the doctors told him he may never be able to speak again. I thought he's done remarkably well because he was speaking quite well and I couldn't tell that his speech was affected. There you go - another pessimistic prognosis by doctors which has proven to be wrong again. Another thing I noticed is that almost everyone I spoke to in the group thinks they have bad memories and told me they may not remember my name. I told them not to worry because I'm the same. I wonder if they really have bad memories or just another prognosis by the specialist which becomes the self fullfilling prophecy. I sometimes freak out when I forget something but Tim always thinks it's ok to be forgetful sometimes because we all do that from time to time.
For quite a long time, I alway felt I was hard done by and felt that my effort and achievement not recognised by other people and I wished that everybody knows what I have been through and would recognise my effort and give me some credit. Going to the running group and meeting all these people made me realised that I was hard done by but I was not the only one and comparing to some of them, my situation is not that bad. I'm very grateful for the support of people who care about me like Tim and his family , my family and Neil and Rosemary. I forgot to mention that Rosemary wrote me a really nice letter a couple of months ago about rewarding myself for my achievement - her ispiration comes from reading a book about dog training which she is trying to apply to her cat, Oscar. The way to reward myself is to have a list of all the landmark events so when I look back I can see the progress I've made. I have a very long list and I'm planning to have it on the blog one day. I guess the reason I mention this is because in the running group on Monday, I suddenly realised something. I think I was so self indulged in my unfortunate experience and thinking I was so hard done by all these time and feeling that everyone should respect me for what I've achieved so far. I felt that people should give me more credit and was even thinking that my story should be made known to the public - like in the trashy newspaper or local paper or something so people would know who I am and respect for what I had to do to get to this stage. When I looked at Gavin and Chris (an exercise physiologist who also teaches running), they have done a lot for these people but they don't go around and expect people to know what they have done for the people who have had brain injuries. I felt embarrassed and childish to feel that I needed credits for being able to walk or run. I wouldn't be able to run without their help.
Another thing I must mention and I promised Neil that I would. Rosemary gave me a cake recipe with that letter she wrote knowing that I'm learning to bake but haven't had much experience. I think she'll be proud of me to know that i have been baking at least one cake a week ever since. One of the things on my to do list is to be able to bake nice cakes and I think I'm half way there.
posted by Teresa Liu at 4:15 AM
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