22 March 2006
I'm feeling really drained from yesterday's drama. I still haven't got over the humiliation fully. I think I just complained to everybody about it - even my mum. My mum was reminding me of the Christian values we should have and I should just forget and forgive Alex. I'm not sure I can do that easily. I feel guilty that I actually wish he rots in hell. I don't know how Jesus could go through it all and be crucified on the cross for us. Frankly, I don't think we, the human race, are worth it. I often feel that way, especially when I go to the church and people give me this rude stare. Sometimes, I wonder why do I bother at all but I think I need my faith to keep me positive while facing this big challenge in my life.
I went to my usual Wednesday pilates this morning. I got up about 5 something just to make sure I get there early enough to get in. I like the fact that the mind and body studio is always dark so even with the lights switched on the room is not that bright. It helps me a bit because I don't feel so embarrassed when there is something I can't do. There is always something I can't do in the class so I'm used to it now. Today, the instructor finished off with a balance exercise - so ridiculously hard for me. It starts with standing and then lift up the left leg up to the side so the left hand can grab the foot and hold it in that position. I think there is a movement like this in figure skating which I used to be able to do - when I was in primary school. Here is another exercise for me to work on at home.
I went to Brunetti to get a cake for Gavin on my way to physio. I thought I should get him something just to thank him for helping me out yesterday. I really appreciated that he took the trouble to sort out Alex for me. I think at one stage I was a bit weary of going to Brunetti because lots of people sit outside have their coffee and I didn't like to be stared at. It wasn't crowded this morning but more importantly, I didn't seem to feel the same intimidation as I had before.
When I got to the physio treatment room, Gavin wasn't there. While i was waiting, I went and picked up a trampoline and set it up against the wall - the usual spot I do my warm up running practice. I had to carry it across the room. I guess I could ask someone to help me but I don't like to be treated as disabled so I did it myself.
I know this sounds strange but the only person who can call me a disabled person is I. I really hate it when people refer me as a disabled person.
When Gavin came in, he showed me the email Alex sent him. Apparently, the saga is not quite over yet. Alex has sent him the routines, including the repetitions and wants him to go over those with me and write down some notes as to what I can or can't do and modified versions if any. Alex basically wants a medical clearance from Gavin and also guarantees that they are not responsible for my injury. I think this is pretty ridiculous because how can Gavin guarantee something when he is not even there? I told Gavin I was going to just avoid going to Alex's classes but when I checked the board today i realised that the only ones I can go are unfortunately taken by him so I can't avoid. Gavin said he thought about that but then he remembered that Alex is the manager there and if an instructor is sick or away, he will probably take it. Gavin also mentioned that Alex asked him what classes do I attend and when Gavin told him Body Pumps and Body Step, he freaked out about Body Step. He told Gavin it's even harder and I might fall and hurt myself. Gavin told him I haven't had any injuries yet but he said I was just lucky. Gavin told him if I only went once or twice then i might be lucky but I have been going there for a month and I was fine. Gavin told me if I think I'm the only one who is having this problem then I'm wrong. He told me lots of people had this problem. I was surprised to hear that. I asked him if his other patients go to classes as well, he said some do but not as much. He said they don't push themselves as hard as I do. I suspect they are mostly guys and attending classes is more of a female thing I think. Besides, i don't think i push myself hard enough. I had 10 gym sessions and classes combined last week but if I was pushing myself really hard, I should probably have 15 sessions. He said some people have problem with gyms because some gyms don't think they fit the 'image' because they look different or walk funny. He said he didn't think that's the problem in my case. I think that's terrible of those gyms to do that because as time go on I feel more and more that beauty is just skin deep and whatever you have today can easily be gone tomorrow. I would never have dreamt this would happen to me. I really want to have a full recovery and be able to do something to help the disabled because I think people who have disabilities need a voice.
We spent most of the session on running. Gavin had another patient there today. I think his name is also Alex and he can run. I saw him running down the hall way and it's interesting to watch him. It's interesting to see that although his running is not normal, a bit lobsided, like his walking. At least, he can run and he can run quite fast too. This is the first time I have seen someone who had a brain injury running.
I spent a lot of time trying to get this forward falling motion happening. Apparently, to be able to run, you have to have your weight falling forward. I practiced this for a while but not enough was happening so Gavin asked Libby, a physio assistant, to accompany me to the carpark where there is this big slope and practice running down the slope. I thought this was a bit strange and did what I was told anyway. To my surprise, after practising running down the slope for a while, I found it much easier to fall forward when I was trying to run down the hallway. Gavin said I just need to do lots of this so he'll get me do practice this again next time. I'm really glad he is back because I think he really knows about running and knows what I need to work on to be able to run.
On my way home, I was thinking about the issues Alex brought up. I think I should ask Tim if he has a contact at Melbourne uni at the law school who may know something in this area. I wonder if they can use medical grounds to refuse my membership for classes and whether being female and Asian and disabled will help in my case. I just need to know where I stand because I'm worried that I might be ok for now but what about a few months down the track or when my membership is up for renewal?
On another note, I went to my first cardio box class last Saturday. Tim went there with me and we both found it interesting and fun so we bought our own boxing gloves and plan to do this regularly. The instructor of the class, Erica, is also a physio so she understands my problems. I thought it's a bit strange when she asked me how dense was it (my hemiplegia) after I told her I'm recovering from hemiplegia because most people don't even know what it is not to mention asking about how dense it was.
I think boxing is good because it works on my speed and coordination which I have none at the moment. I would like to start with cardio box and when I'm confident enough, I'd like to try Thai boxing because I think that also involves kicking so I need to have good balance.
I told Gavin today that going to all these classes is just the preparation for getting back into ballroom dancing. I think once I have mastered all the classes, I can try dancing. I didn't tell him this was actually inspired by John Olver, the rehabilitation specialist. I haven't finished my previous blog but I had an appointment with John last week and he was basically saying I won't have a full recivery and I won't be able to dance. Before seeing him, I must say I didn't think about going back to dancing that much now because as time go on, the chance of being able to do it again just seems more remote. But since he said I won't be able to, i will have to prove him wrong like I proved the physio and specialist at MECRS wrong (with the help of Neil and Rosemary)when they said it would take me 2-3 years (or never) to drink a cup of tea with my left hand and I may never be able to lift my left arm up above my head. I think sometimes if you want something bad enough you will get it. Gavin agreed that's the right step in going back to dancing. He never said I won't to do anything. In fact, he is always pushing me and telling me I should be able to do certain things such as pushups. I think that's what makes him a good physio - a positive attitude. I've never heard him telling his patients they won't be able to do certain things. He is always on my case whenever he asks me to do something and I said I can't. He said that's something that's not allowed in physio - not allowed to say 'I can't'.
I went to my usual Wednesday pilates this morning. I got up about 5 something just to make sure I get there early enough to get in. I like the fact that the mind and body studio is always dark so even with the lights switched on the room is not that bright. It helps me a bit because I don't feel so embarrassed when there is something I can't do. There is always something I can't do in the class so I'm used to it now. Today, the instructor finished off with a balance exercise - so ridiculously hard for me. It starts with standing and then lift up the left leg up to the side so the left hand can grab the foot and hold it in that position. I think there is a movement like this in figure skating which I used to be able to do - when I was in primary school. Here is another exercise for me to work on at home.
I went to Brunetti to get a cake for Gavin on my way to physio. I thought I should get him something just to thank him for helping me out yesterday. I really appreciated that he took the trouble to sort out Alex for me. I think at one stage I was a bit weary of going to Brunetti because lots of people sit outside have their coffee and I didn't like to be stared at. It wasn't crowded this morning but more importantly, I didn't seem to feel the same intimidation as I had before.
When I got to the physio treatment room, Gavin wasn't there. While i was waiting, I went and picked up a trampoline and set it up against the wall - the usual spot I do my warm up running practice. I had to carry it across the room. I guess I could ask someone to help me but I don't like to be treated as disabled so I did it myself.
I know this sounds strange but the only person who can call me a disabled person is I. I really hate it when people refer me as a disabled person.
When Gavin came in, he showed me the email Alex sent him. Apparently, the saga is not quite over yet. Alex has sent him the routines, including the repetitions and wants him to go over those with me and write down some notes as to what I can or can't do and modified versions if any. Alex basically wants a medical clearance from Gavin and also guarantees that they are not responsible for my injury. I think this is pretty ridiculous because how can Gavin guarantee something when he is not even there? I told Gavin I was going to just avoid going to Alex's classes but when I checked the board today i realised that the only ones I can go are unfortunately taken by him so I can't avoid. Gavin said he thought about that but then he remembered that Alex is the manager there and if an instructor is sick or away, he will probably take it. Gavin also mentioned that Alex asked him what classes do I attend and when Gavin told him Body Pumps and Body Step, he freaked out about Body Step. He told Gavin it's even harder and I might fall and hurt myself. Gavin told him I haven't had any injuries yet but he said I was just lucky. Gavin told him if I only went once or twice then i might be lucky but I have been going there for a month and I was fine. Gavin told me if I think I'm the only one who is having this problem then I'm wrong. He told me lots of people had this problem. I was surprised to hear that. I asked him if his other patients go to classes as well, he said some do but not as much. He said they don't push themselves as hard as I do. I suspect they are mostly guys and attending classes is more of a female thing I think. Besides, i don't think i push myself hard enough. I had 10 gym sessions and classes combined last week but if I was pushing myself really hard, I should probably have 15 sessions. He said some people have problem with gyms because some gyms don't think they fit the 'image' because they look different or walk funny. He said he didn't think that's the problem in my case. I think that's terrible of those gyms to do that because as time go on I feel more and more that beauty is just skin deep and whatever you have today can easily be gone tomorrow. I would never have dreamt this would happen to me. I really want to have a full recovery and be able to do something to help the disabled because I think people who have disabilities need a voice.
We spent most of the session on running. Gavin had another patient there today. I think his name is also Alex and he can run. I saw him running down the hall way and it's interesting to watch him. It's interesting to see that although his running is not normal, a bit lobsided, like his walking. At least, he can run and he can run quite fast too. This is the first time I have seen someone who had a brain injury running.
I spent a lot of time trying to get this forward falling motion happening. Apparently, to be able to run, you have to have your weight falling forward. I practiced this for a while but not enough was happening so Gavin asked Libby, a physio assistant, to accompany me to the carpark where there is this big slope and practice running down the slope. I thought this was a bit strange and did what I was told anyway. To my surprise, after practising running down the slope for a while, I found it much easier to fall forward when I was trying to run down the hallway. Gavin said I just need to do lots of this so he'll get me do practice this again next time. I'm really glad he is back because I think he really knows about running and knows what I need to work on to be able to run.
On my way home, I was thinking about the issues Alex brought up. I think I should ask Tim if he has a contact at Melbourne uni at the law school who may know something in this area. I wonder if they can use medical grounds to refuse my membership for classes and whether being female and Asian and disabled will help in my case. I just need to know where I stand because I'm worried that I might be ok for now but what about a few months down the track or when my membership is up for renewal?
On another note, I went to my first cardio box class last Saturday. Tim went there with me and we both found it interesting and fun so we bought our own boxing gloves and plan to do this regularly. The instructor of the class, Erica, is also a physio so she understands my problems. I thought it's a bit strange when she asked me how dense was it (my hemiplegia) after I told her I'm recovering from hemiplegia because most people don't even know what it is not to mention asking about how dense it was.
I think boxing is good because it works on my speed and coordination which I have none at the moment. I would like to start with cardio box and when I'm confident enough, I'd like to try Thai boxing because I think that also involves kicking so I need to have good balance.
I told Gavin today that going to all these classes is just the preparation for getting back into ballroom dancing. I think once I have mastered all the classes, I can try dancing. I didn't tell him this was actually inspired by John Olver, the rehabilitation specialist. I haven't finished my previous blog but I had an appointment with John last week and he was basically saying I won't have a full recivery and I won't be able to dance. Before seeing him, I must say I didn't think about going back to dancing that much now because as time go on, the chance of being able to do it again just seems more remote. But since he said I won't be able to, i will have to prove him wrong like I proved the physio and specialist at MECRS wrong (with the help of Neil and Rosemary)when they said it would take me 2-3 years (or never) to drink a cup of tea with my left hand and I may never be able to lift my left arm up above my head. I think sometimes if you want something bad enough you will get it. Gavin agreed that's the right step in going back to dancing. He never said I won't to do anything. In fact, he is always pushing me and telling me I should be able to do certain things such as pushups. I think that's what makes him a good physio - a positive attitude. I've never heard him telling his patients they won't be able to do certain things. He is always on my case whenever he asks me to do something and I said I can't. He said that's something that's not allowed in physio - not allowed to say 'I can't'.
posted by Teresa Liu at 9:51 PM
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