1 June 2005
Today is the anniversary of my nightmare. Actually I should rephrase it because you usually wake up from a nightmare but I’m still in it. It’s probably more appropriate to say today is the anniversary of the beginning of my nightmare. It all started on this date last year. I remember going to work in the morning and in the afternoon, I went to have my CT scan and was told to go back to my GP with the results. At the GP, that’s where I found out about the tumour and was told to go straight to the emergency department of the Royal Melbourne Hospital. I was kept in hospital overnight. They wouldn’t even let me go home to pack my bag or check on Lillian. She was only about 3 ½ months old at the time. They operated on me the next day. Last year on this date, it was the last time I walked normally outdoors. I can’t remember what it’s like anymore. Sometimes, I can’t help but thinking I’m actually very hard done by but Tim doesn’t allow me to think that way. If you think about it, how many mothers do you know has something happened to them when their babies were still very young and cannot look after their babies? Tim thinks that I’m a lot better of than some single mothers who live in a neighborhood full of drugs and junkies. That’s true but my answer to him is a lot of them probably brought it upon themselves. In other words, many of the problems they have are probably self inflicted. In my situation, I didn’t do anything. I wish I had done something though. At least, I have myself to blame in that case. Anyway, it has been a pretty tough year for me.
I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. I planned to have a shower first, have some breakfast and if I feel like it, I’d do some exercise bike before I go to Epworth. The doorbell rang when I just closed the bathroom door. Tim went to answer the door and it was someone here for the bathroom. He said he needed to do some measurement for the shower screen. I was quite upset. This means I couldn’t have a shower as I planned to. I thought it’s a bit strange because I remember the builders telling me a couple of weeks ago that someone had done the measurement for the shower screen. From my understanding, the shower screen takes about 3 weeks to make from the time of the measurement. I thought it was measured two weeks ago which means we should have it ready next week. It has been a pain to use the shower without the shower screen as the water splashes everywhere and the floor is always wet. I complained this to Tim but of course, he is not worried at all. I know there is a reason why I always liked my academic clients when I worked in accouting and financial planning. You can always stuff them around and they don’t get too upset. You can always charge them the full cost of the WIP (work in progress – accountants normally charge by the time they spent on the client) and they never question about the fees. I’m just so sick and tired being stuffed around by everyone!
I waited around for a while and finally, I had to hassel Tim about when is this person going to finish the measurement because I had to use the toilet and have a shower. Tim finally agreed to ask this person for me. He said it’d take him a while so he’d come back after I had my shower. Tim thought I was acting like if I was the hunchback of Notre Dame. He wondered why I was always hiding and why couldn’t I just tell this person myself. I told him in a way I’m like the hunchback of Notre Dame. The way I walk is a bit like that and the way people stare at me is like that, too. Of course, this is not something I expect him to understand. Sometimes, I feel the person who needs counselling most is not me, it’s actually him. I don’t think he understands the full impact of my ‘disability’. In the past week, Schapelle Corby has been in the news a lot. It made me wonder whether I would swap with her. I know it would be pretty hellish in a Bali jail but it’s also a hellish situation I’m in anyway. If only I could walk normally again.
One major achievement this morning was to fasten up my bra straps with both hands behind my back. I have been working on this for months and this morning, I finally did it. I think the hot shower must have helped as well. The mucles work better when they are warm.
Another achievement for today was not wearing my ankle brace outdoors. I went to Epworth without my ankle brace on. Gavin asked me to do that last time but I told him it’s a bit complicated for me to get to the taxi from my house because I have to walk over the grass, the kerb, the cobble stoned bit next to the kerb and then to the taxi and I didn’t feel confident enough to do that. He said he’d get me to walk outdoor without my brace in my physio session. I found it quite cold this morning and I really don’t like the idea of walking outdoor in an unfamiliar environment so I decided not to wear the ankle brace. In that case, I don’t think Gavin would get me to do outdoor walking.
Gavin was with another patient when I walked in. I actually struggled a bit to get to the building from the taxi. I sat down on a physio couch and waited for Gavin. He didn’t know that I didn’t have my brace on so he said I must be waiting for him to tell me to take off my brace. I told him no because I haven’t got the brace on. He was very surprised and came over to shake my hand. He said he’s really proud of me.
He started me off on some calf stretches. He got a 30 degrees wedge and asked me to stand on it with my right foot in front of the left foot. He placed my left foot in such a way that the heel is just touching the ground and the ball of the foot is still on the wedge. He then asked me to bend my left leg a bit. I couldn’t do that so he had to help me bending my knee. I felt the stretch in my calf but I actually felt more stretch in the right leg than the left leg. When I told him this, he said it’s because my right leg is more sensitive than the left leg. I know my left hand doesn’t feel quite the same as the right hand but I didn’t know the sensation in the leg is also affected.
He also set up a mini trampoline for me and it’s the usual drill – walking practice combined with mini trampoline. While I was on the trampoline, I was actually thinking it’s not so bad missing a session on Friday because I’ll probably be doing the same thing anyway. I almost couldn’t make it to physio today. Lillian picked up some virus at the childcare and was told that unless we can get a doctor certificate that says she doesn’t have the hand, mouth and foot virus, she cannot attend childcare for the next few days. I did some research on the internet last night and it looks like she does have the symptoms of this virus – little blisters in the hands and around the mouth and ulcers in the mouth. I haven’t found any blisters on her feet yet but Tim thinks it’s most likely she has it since some kids at the childcare had it as well. We took her to my parents’ place last night so my mum is looking after her today but tomorrow and Friday we have to look after her. I told Tim that I can probably miss one physio session on Friday and he was pretty pleased to hear that. In a way, I wish he wasn’t running his own business because you at least get annual leaves and sick leaves if you are an employee but when you run your own business, it’s hard to take any time off.
Gavin came out to check on me and when I walked, he corrected my walking a bit. It seems to be the same problem – my butt sticks out as I’m taking a step with my right foot. He set up a mirror for me in the treatment room in front of the walking rails and asked me to practice taking a right step while tucking my butt in. While I was practising, I noticed an elderly man was sitting next to the rails. He said I was doing fine except I’m not sure he knows what I was supposed to be doing. When Gavin came to check on me, he said it looked good. The man sitting next to the rails said: ‘ see, I told you you were doing fine’. I told him yes, but it’s a very slow process. He said it’s ok if it’s slow but I’ll get there one day. I noticed that he has a big scar on his head. Looks like he had some kind of surgery as well. I didn’t ask him what happened to him.
After practising for a while, Gavin told me to go to the hallway and see if I can do the same while walking in the hallway. I did a little bit of walking and mini trampoline before he told me to try the stairs. My left leg was still swinging out a bit as I was going upstairs. He said there is some exercise he gets people in his running group to do but he wasn’t sure whether it’s too early for me or not. He asked Tracy, another physio, to set up this theraband for me and demonstrated what I had to do. It looked easy but I couldn’t even do one. The theraband comes with a little sling and is attached around the heel of my left foot. I was supposed to lift up my leg and back – a bit like cycling. Tracy told me this works the hip extensors and hamstrings. The biggest problem for me was my ankle inversion. The more I tried to pull my leg back, the more it inverted. The strange thing was, as soon as I relaxed the muscle, the inversion stopped. I thought it was strange because the muscle I was relaxing was the tib post or at least it felt like it’s tib post.
I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. I planned to have a shower first, have some breakfast and if I feel like it, I’d do some exercise bike before I go to Epworth. The doorbell rang when I just closed the bathroom door. Tim went to answer the door and it was someone here for the bathroom. He said he needed to do some measurement for the shower screen. I was quite upset. This means I couldn’t have a shower as I planned to. I thought it’s a bit strange because I remember the builders telling me a couple of weeks ago that someone had done the measurement for the shower screen. From my understanding, the shower screen takes about 3 weeks to make from the time of the measurement. I thought it was measured two weeks ago which means we should have it ready next week. It has been a pain to use the shower without the shower screen as the water splashes everywhere and the floor is always wet. I complained this to Tim but of course, he is not worried at all. I know there is a reason why I always liked my academic clients when I worked in accouting and financial planning. You can always stuff them around and they don’t get too upset. You can always charge them the full cost of the WIP (work in progress – accountants normally charge by the time they spent on the client) and they never question about the fees. I’m just so sick and tired being stuffed around by everyone!
I waited around for a while and finally, I had to hassel Tim about when is this person going to finish the measurement because I had to use the toilet and have a shower. Tim finally agreed to ask this person for me. He said it’d take him a while so he’d come back after I had my shower. Tim thought I was acting like if I was the hunchback of Notre Dame. He wondered why I was always hiding and why couldn’t I just tell this person myself. I told him in a way I’m like the hunchback of Notre Dame. The way I walk is a bit like that and the way people stare at me is like that, too. Of course, this is not something I expect him to understand. Sometimes, I feel the person who needs counselling most is not me, it’s actually him. I don’t think he understands the full impact of my ‘disability’. In the past week, Schapelle Corby has been in the news a lot. It made me wonder whether I would swap with her. I know it would be pretty hellish in a Bali jail but it’s also a hellish situation I’m in anyway. If only I could walk normally again.
One major achievement this morning was to fasten up my bra straps with both hands behind my back. I have been working on this for months and this morning, I finally did it. I think the hot shower must have helped as well. The mucles work better when they are warm.
Another achievement for today was not wearing my ankle brace outdoors. I went to Epworth without my ankle brace on. Gavin asked me to do that last time but I told him it’s a bit complicated for me to get to the taxi from my house because I have to walk over the grass, the kerb, the cobble stoned bit next to the kerb and then to the taxi and I didn’t feel confident enough to do that. He said he’d get me to walk outdoor without my brace in my physio session. I found it quite cold this morning and I really don’t like the idea of walking outdoor in an unfamiliar environment so I decided not to wear the ankle brace. In that case, I don’t think Gavin would get me to do outdoor walking.
Gavin was with another patient when I walked in. I actually struggled a bit to get to the building from the taxi. I sat down on a physio couch and waited for Gavin. He didn’t know that I didn’t have my brace on so he said I must be waiting for him to tell me to take off my brace. I told him no because I haven’t got the brace on. He was very surprised and came over to shake my hand. He said he’s really proud of me.
He started me off on some calf stretches. He got a 30 degrees wedge and asked me to stand on it with my right foot in front of the left foot. He placed my left foot in such a way that the heel is just touching the ground and the ball of the foot is still on the wedge. He then asked me to bend my left leg a bit. I couldn’t do that so he had to help me bending my knee. I felt the stretch in my calf but I actually felt more stretch in the right leg than the left leg. When I told him this, he said it’s because my right leg is more sensitive than the left leg. I know my left hand doesn’t feel quite the same as the right hand but I didn’t know the sensation in the leg is also affected.
He also set up a mini trampoline for me and it’s the usual drill – walking practice combined with mini trampoline. While I was on the trampoline, I was actually thinking it’s not so bad missing a session on Friday because I’ll probably be doing the same thing anyway. I almost couldn’t make it to physio today. Lillian picked up some virus at the childcare and was told that unless we can get a doctor certificate that says she doesn’t have the hand, mouth and foot virus, she cannot attend childcare for the next few days. I did some research on the internet last night and it looks like she does have the symptoms of this virus – little blisters in the hands and around the mouth and ulcers in the mouth. I haven’t found any blisters on her feet yet but Tim thinks it’s most likely she has it since some kids at the childcare had it as well. We took her to my parents’ place last night so my mum is looking after her today but tomorrow and Friday we have to look after her. I told Tim that I can probably miss one physio session on Friday and he was pretty pleased to hear that. In a way, I wish he wasn’t running his own business because you at least get annual leaves and sick leaves if you are an employee but when you run your own business, it’s hard to take any time off.
Gavin came out to check on me and when I walked, he corrected my walking a bit. It seems to be the same problem – my butt sticks out as I’m taking a step with my right foot. He set up a mirror for me in the treatment room in front of the walking rails and asked me to practice taking a right step while tucking my butt in. While I was practising, I noticed an elderly man was sitting next to the rails. He said I was doing fine except I’m not sure he knows what I was supposed to be doing. When Gavin came to check on me, he said it looked good. The man sitting next to the rails said: ‘ see, I told you you were doing fine’. I told him yes, but it’s a very slow process. He said it’s ok if it’s slow but I’ll get there one day. I noticed that he has a big scar on his head. Looks like he had some kind of surgery as well. I didn’t ask him what happened to him.
After practising for a while, Gavin told me to go to the hallway and see if I can do the same while walking in the hallway. I did a little bit of walking and mini trampoline before he told me to try the stairs. My left leg was still swinging out a bit as I was going upstairs. He said there is some exercise he gets people in his running group to do but he wasn’t sure whether it’s too early for me or not. He asked Tracy, another physio, to set up this theraband for me and demonstrated what I had to do. It looked easy but I couldn’t even do one. The theraband comes with a little sling and is attached around the heel of my left foot. I was supposed to lift up my leg and back – a bit like cycling. Tracy told me this works the hip extensors and hamstrings. The biggest problem for me was my ankle inversion. The more I tried to pull my leg back, the more it inverted. The strange thing was, as soon as I relaxed the muscle, the inversion stopped. I thought it was strange because the muscle I was relaxing was the tib post or at least it felt like it’s tib post.
posted by Teresa Liu at 1:09 AM
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