7 September 2007

I had a very good dance lesson with my teacher, Adam, this morning. After my disastrous social dance episode a couple of weeks ago, I have decided to change my ultimate goal. My old ultimate goal used to be just get back to dancing. I think I was happy enough to get back to social dancing with Tim. I have changed my mind now after that traumatic experience. My goal now is to get back to dancing but to be able to do ' practice class'. Practice Class is where competition couples go and do their competition practice. In the class, it mimics real competition situation that you have all the couples on the dance floor and they play music continuously like in a competition. This means, if we want to be able to go to practice class, we will have to be at a competition level. This may be very hard to achieve but like Gavin said ' if it's not hard, it's not rehab'. I was so disappointed with the social dance we went to last time and decided that the only way to get back at those people who chased us off the floor is to be able to dance better than they can.

When I saw Adam last week, I told him about this and told him about my new goal. He seemed to think it's a good goal to have and never indicated it's impossible. He said you've got to believe in yourself that you can do something. He said if he didn't believe that they'll be in the finals at the World's championship, they probably wouldn't be. I think he's got the right kind of attitude. I was hoping that Tim and I can have a lesson together with him tomorrow so when I see my rehab specialist, John Olver, on Monday, I can tell him that I'm working on our ballroom dancing competition routine. Unfortunately, he is totally booked out for the weekend because there is some major competition coming up. I guess yhat's the problem with having a high profile teacher.


Something funny happened the other day when I was walking back home after my Pilates session at the gym. A guy who was walking towards me stopped and asked me how was my training going. I had no idea what he was on about. 'Training? what training?" I asked back. He told me he saw me with a personal trainer doing some weight the other day at the gym. I think he must saw me with my personal trainer, Haydn, a couple of weeks ago. He asked me how often do I train. I was a bit embarrassed by this. I told him I go to the gym everyday but I use very light weight and I don't train very hard. He said 'I saw you training at the gym other day and you're beautiful, I want to ask you out'. This came as a surprise. It's very nice and flattering when you get something like this. I remember when I first started go to the gym I was so self conscious and always felt uncomfortable when someone looked at me. I would never have expected that someone would notice me at the gym and find me beautiful. To be honest, I didn't notice him at the gym at all. I guess what's more flattering is that he probably didn't notice that there's something wrong with me and I'm limping a bit. Maybe my impairment is not that noticeable these days.

I think it's kind of ironic that ballroom dancing used to be my 'thing' and I used to get a lot of attention when Tim and I went dancing together. I suppose I was a better dancer then and I looked a lot more attractive. I used to dread the progressives because I didn't want to dance with bad or beginner dancers and was annoyed when other people asked me top dance. Now when we go, people don't look at me at all and they probably think I'm just some clumsy beginner and nobody would ask me to dance if I sit there by myself.

25 August 2007

I didn't expect to update the blog so soon but something happened yesterday that really upset me so I'm just using the blog as a way of venting my feeling.

Tim and I went dancing again last night and it was absolutely disastrous. We went there a little bit later than last time so we didn't get to start with some of the easier dances. When the progressive dances came on, Tim was restless and tried to talk me into doing it. I insisted that I'd stay out because it's hard enough to dance with him, not to mention with strangers who don't know my condition. He didn't want to sit through 3 progressives with me so he asked someone else to join in. That's fine except I was left alone by myself. I felt really stupid and self conscious and uncomfortable. I didn't know anybody there so there was nobody to talk to.

That was just the begging of it. When some of the dances I can do came on, I told Tim I'd like to try those but by that stage he was already sweaty and disgusting. He reckons he was just warmed up. The problem is we haven't danced together for a long time and he's forgotten most of the dances. For the New Vouge dances it's ok because it's a form of line dance and you can just follow the people in front. I've been working on these with Adam for sometime now and he's modifed many of the tricky steps so I can do them more easily. Tim doesn't know these modifications so it's a bit tricky when he tried to lead me into things that I can't do (yet). I found it hard enough to keep up with the music and Tim's huge steps didn't help. When we were competing, we were so used to take big steps so I think it's hard for him to change the size of his steps to accommodate me. At one stage, it was so bad that he literally picked me up and put me where he wanted me to go. It was very uncomfortable and humiliating. To make it worse, when I suggested that we'd do the next dance I know, he refused and told me that I'm not up to a stage that I can do the social dance yet. I know most of the new vogue waltzes finish with a rotary chaise and it's a bit fast and more high impact and I have problem getting around and do it at full speed. Because of this, people behind us often crash into us. Tim thinks it's inconsiderate that we're slowing people down or blocking there way. I see his point but how can I get better if I don't get my practice?

I think the way he put it to me was extremely insulting and demoralizing. I was almost in tears and just feel like punching something. It's almost as ridiculous as when I first started going to BodyPump and Alex thought I wasn't up to standard to go and I should do personal training instead. I really don't give a shit about how other dancers feel that I'm blocking their way. If they are so good, can't they just avoid the collision? How many of them had hemiplegia and had to relearn everything?

I also feel resentful that I don't get any sympathy or respect from others there. When we were sitting there arguing, the girl who Tim has asked to dance with previously came over to have a chat. I found out that she is the dance partner of one of the teachers there so she must be very good. When I told her that I've had a brain injury and had to relearn how to walk and to dance. She didn't seem to understand. I mentioned a TAC ad a while back about this woman who had a car accident and had to relearn how to walk and speak again. She still didn't seem to understand because she didn't seem that surprised that I'm back on the dance floor again. I guess I was expecting people to say something nice like ' you're amazing or you're so inspirational' like I often get when I told people I met at the gym but not much reaction from the dance community. Strange.

I feel so unappreciated, especially from Tim. When I told him I couldn't follow his lead, he didn't believe the problem was him because he had no problem dancing with strangers, so the problem must be me. I admit that I still have a lot of work to do but I think he's forgotten that 3 years ago I couldn't even walk and they didn't know whether I'd be able to walk again. So far, I've proven the rehab specialist's prognosis wrong. I worked my butt off to get here. He didn't think it's a good indication that I'm ready to go social dancing just because when I danced with Adam, my dance teacher, I could keep up with music and had no problem. He said a world champion dancer can adapt to any situation and compensate for my short comings. That may be true but I still think I should not be blamed for everything. He wasn't listening when I said to him a few months ago that I got so bored dancing with my teacher all the time because he is so easy to dance with and I told him that my goal is to get back to dancing with him, not go back to dancing with my teacher. Was he listening, no. Now he thinks I'm just not ready to go social dancing yet. I think the problem is it's been a long time and he's forgotten a lot of it. To be able to dance together again, we'll l probably need to have some dance lesson together.

It was such a disastrous evening. I felt so unhappy afterwards and after what I've been through I really didn't need that. When I came home, I just felt like I needed to go for a run or go to the gym or something. I think maybe I've changed, I don't think I like dancing that much anymore. I find it more satisfying after a workout at the gym or a BodyPump class. Dancing doesn't seem to give me the same endorphin that gym work does, which keeps me happy. It's kind of ironic to say that the one thing that kept me going in rehab ended up being the one thing that I no longer enjoy doing.

19 August 2007

I have to update the blog because there is a landmark event to report. Tim and I went dancing last night. This was the first time we danced together since my operation. I think it may have been the first time we danced in 5 years or so. Tim had to look for where he stored his dance shoes and give the soles a good brush.

I have been having dance lesson with Adam for over 6 months now and I'm so used to dance with him now. It was a bit hard to adjust to dance with Tim again. I think I've forgotten what it's like to go social dancing when there are many other people on the dance floor. My brain has so much more to process - the music, the steps, Tim's lead and also the people around me.

I think I've done reasonably well considering 3 years ago I was completely paralysed and couldn't even walk. Tim thinks I haven't been working hard enough and that Adam doesn't push me hard enough. I told him that he can't expect everyone to be like Gavin.

It was kind of funny that nobody there seemed to notice that something is wrong with me. I was expecting people staring at me because I walk with a limp and probably dance funny but to my surprise nobody seemed to notice. I think many people just assumed that we are beginners and some even said to us that we picked the hardest ones to dance. It was also funny that when we tried to explain to someone that we haven't danced for years because I was recovering from a brain injury and relearning how to walk again that she told us there was one stage she stopped dancing and when she eventually got back, she couldn't even walk on the dance floor. Tim and I looked at each other and smiled. Tim said to her " oh, she did have a brain injury". but she didn't seem to get it. We knew there was no point explaining because I don't think anybody there would comprehend what I've been through and how hard I had to work to get there.

Tim was a bit offended when I told him the big difference between dancing with him and Adam is that Adam is so light and effortless and he doesn't pull me off my balance. Tim thinks it's unfair to compare with him with someone who is 6th in the world (Adam and his partner came sixth in the recent worlds 10 dance championship).

It's kind of strange that when I was at MECRS, the dance photo on the wall ( Tim put one of the dance wedding photo there) kept my spirits up and motivated. He always tells me that my ultimate goal is to get back to dancing and I have been telling myself that, too. I had to work extremely hard to get to this stage and when I finally went, it didn't seem that challenging and exciting. I know this may sound ungrateful but I told Tim somehow I feel it's more satisfying doing chin ups, pushups and lunges because they are physically demanding and challenging. I think my body is so used to working very hard and because I'm not dancing with full capacity, it's not as physically demanding as other exercises I do.

In any case, this is just a beginning of me getting back to dancing.

Today, Tim and I went to a spinning class together. We have been to one before but I didn't feel I worked at all. This time, there is a different instructor and I found he explains better than the other one and I had a really good workout. I now can understand why people go to spinning classes.

31 July 2007

I had no idea that it's been almost 2 months since I updated the blog. I've been very busy and was falling a bit behind with updating the blog but it didn't occur to me that it has been that long.

I've made a lot of progress over the last two months. My walking is better and faster and my running is more symmetrical. Neil has been accompanying me to do my running practice on the running track since ANZAC Day and it has definitely helped. It's always helpful when there is another person there because I can't see myself when I run so he can give me some feedback. Also, it's nice to have someone there with me while I'm doing my running practice. I still feel intimidated by people around me sometimes.

One major progress is that I just started to be able to jump on the weekend. The first time I tried since the operation was about two weeks ago when I went to the running group. Gavin got me to jump off a step. I found it extremely hard because it put a lot of pressure on my joints as I land. I almost twisted my ankle at one stage and I just couldn't do it on the floor at all. I told Prema about this last week and she tried to get me to jump off the ground but I just couldn't so she get me some bouncing exercises to do as a preparation for the jump to start with. I practiced that a few times and then suddenly I discovered that I could jump from the floor. I was so excited about this so I showed it to Tim and Lillian. Lillian looked at it and said 'Mommy, you got to jump higher'. Tim was laughing because I think he was thinking the same thing.

I came to realise that running is a bit like going to the group fitness classes - It needs time and it takes practice. I think I have forgotten how far I've come because I've been going to these classes for a year now and I'm starting to take it for granted a bit. Since the VSU (voluntary student union)was introduced, the Melbourne uni gym changed it's membership structure because of the lack of funding. It used to have different categories of membership so people can pay less and just join the gym or just go to classes. Now they only have one type of membership so you pay a higher price but it's all inclusive.

Many people who wouldn't normally go to classes have started to turn up and there are new people in classes almost every week. I must say I have forgotten how bad I was when I first started until I looked at these people. I have been going to BodyStep, BodyPump, Tri Athletic (a type of aerobics class that has 3 components - hi low, step and sculpt), Fitball, Pilates and Cardio Box for a while now so I get quite comfortable going to these classes. Looking at the beginners make me realise that all these classes require different skills and people aren't just born with them. I know this sounds really bad but I find it quite amusing just to watch some guys who look so fit and strong but are totally uncoordinated when it comes to aerobics. The instructor would go to one direction and they would end up in the opposite direction. I'm sure I had a lot of troubles when I first started but I can't remember that far back now.

Something really funny happened the other day. I think I used to complain that there's this woman who used to race me upstairs at the gym to get the cross trainer that I liked. This hasn't happened for a while since they replaced all the cross trainers in the cardio area with the ones I don't like (they bought a whole lot of cardio equipment from True and I think they're crap machines). I tend to go to the downstairs area of the gym where they still have the LifeFitness cross trainers. I haven't seen this woman for a while until one day she turned up in the fitball class. The instructor would always ask if there's anyone there for the first time so she can keep an eye on them. I remember when I first started, I used to fall off the ball all the time but that hasn't happened for quite a while now unless I try something really adventurous. I find the fitball class quite easy. I usually go there straight after the boxing class and use it as a cooldown. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw that woman keeping falling off the ball. It also makes me realise that even normal people need to practice to get good at something.

Speaking of boxing and fitball, they are the classes I have stopped going regularly. I don't like going to the boxing class because the instructor would always ask us to pair up with focus pads in one part of the class. I found that many of the regulars started to ignore me and wouldn't even have eye contact with me because they don't want to pair up with me. Last week when I went to the class, I felt like a ghost because people would walk straight pass me and pretended that they didn't see me. It's very uncomfortable and demoralising. After what I've been through I feel I really don't need this shit from them. It's so hard to be a good Christian in this situation. Instead of forgiving them, I was hoping they get what they deserve. Maybe they should try hemiplegia sometimes. When I mentioned this to Tim, he said now you know what it feels like to go social dancing when you are a bit awkward and nobody wants to dance with you. He said we should have been more helpful in the past with those people when we used to go dancing. I told him I think the difference is I was never nasty to those bad dancers before, I would never ignore them I would be nice and friendly to them but if they ask me to dance I would just say no. I think the problem in the boxing class is that these people don't know how to say no and they just ignore me so they'll never have to say that. I didn't go today because I didn't want to face them but I should make an effort to go in future because if the class is good for my rehab, why should I give up when it's not even my fault.

6 June 2007

This is another special edition of the blog. Today is a very special day. It is Evelyn’s 90^th birthday. Evelyn is Neil’s mum and one of the loyal and long time readers of my blog. I think Evelyn probably started reading my blog even before I read them. Tim started the blog when I was in hospital and I didn’t get to read them until I got home a few months later. I just want to say thank you for being a loyal reader, Evelyn. Wish you a very happy birthday and many happy returns.

I had another assessment with the occupational physician hired by the tax office last week. I had been dreading this for months. In the last assessment, she was trying to get me back full time in 3 months but my doctor stopped her. I was really nervous when I got to the meeting because of what she tried to do last time. Surprisingly, she was not as pushy as last time. I think it may have helped that I acknowledged that I probably won’t be able to go back to full time. I think I’m starting to realize that it maybe too much for me to work full time and also try to do rehab. It is pretty hard to get up at 5.30 in the morning and go to the gym before work and work a full day and then rush home to prepare dinner before I go to a class early evening. I have been doing that on the Mondays and tried to go to the gym and then BodyStep before going to work on Thursdays. The days become very long with 2 gym sessions and a full day of work. I don’t know if I can cope doing that every day. Fortunately, the occupational physician thinks I’m ready to work another day but it doesn’t start until July. She thinks I should start with 4 hours and gradually increase to a full day by September. This gives me a little bit more time to adjust I guess.

I had a good running session with Neil yesterday. Neil has been helping me with running for some time now. Because I can’t see myself run, I need someone to tell me what I look like when I run and Neil has been kind enough to do that – just be my mirror. We went to the running track outside the gym and did some practice there before heading to the boxing class. I think Neil just wanted to help so after reading my last blog, he suggested that we go boxing together so I can have a partner for the focus pads section. I must say it was so much more fun in the class having him around.

2 June 2007

This is the special anniversary edition of the blog. Today marks the 3^rd anniversary of my operation. It’s not really a long time but it has been a very long journey for me. I was reading the blog Tim has kept for me after my operation and I’m glad he did that because I can hardly remember those early days – right after the operation and at MECRS, the rehab hospital. When people look at me now, they can hardly believe what I’ve been through when I told them that.

I guess I’m unlucky that this had happened but lucky that I had a lot of support from friends and family when I was going through the most difficult part of the journey. I have to say that I’m very grateful for the help of Neil and Rosemary. They have helped tremendously right from the beginning, when I couldn’t even move my fingers. They have provided a lot of morale support throughout my rehab, especially when I went through a stage that I just hated the way I looked and didn’t want to go anywhere or be seen by anyone. It took me a long time to get over that. It’s the part of the journey that I really don’t want to remember. I’m also very fortunate that Tim has been so helpful and supportive. I couldn’t have done it without him.

I think in a way this had to happen to me. Maybe it’s fate or destiny. I used to be such a delicate flower (Tim used to call me that) before my operation. I was not sporty and had never been to the gym. Tim’s family are all very active and now Lillian is like that too. I think my ideal holiday before would be staying in a 5 star hotel and just do nothing. Now, I can’t stand doing nothing. Last weekend when we were at the farm, I was really looking forward to having a bit of rest after 2 full days of work and 15 gym sessions. The weather was beautiful and Tim suggested that we go on this challenging bike ride we’ve been talking about for a while – a loop from McCartins track to Dollar and then Turtons Creek and back. It’s a very heely track and we didn’t know how long it’d take. We had to pack plenty of water and food with us because we’ve never done this before and it could take a long time. I did mention to Tim that for some reason my body wasn’t really craving for the long bike ride since I just had a big week of training. The weather was too beautiful to stay inside so I decided I’d go anyway. It was definitely a very challenging ride – the most challenging one I’ve ever done. I think there were times I didn’t know whether I could make it. It’s also hard when you don’t know the road very well, you don’t know how long you still have to go. I was surprised to find out that it only took us about 3 ½ hours to get back. We had to walk the last km or so because the bike was falling apart and we didn’t have the tool to fix it. Tim said it’s probably about 30 or 40 km ride. I think that’s the longest one we’ve done so far. I was quite tired after that but not absolutely knackered. Tim said he didn’t think I could have done this before my operation. He thinks I’m fitter and stronger than I have ever been. He was surprised that I didn’t complain at all. I told him I think I’m the ‘new improved model’ since the operation. I think now I’m more like them, a lot more active than before. Otherwise, I’d be the odd one out. While they go out for a bike ride or to the beach and I’ll probably just stay at home and do nothing.

I haven’t got around to mention this in my previous blogs. I finally met someone who was almost like a gym buddy to me. I met Kavin, a girl from Hong Kong who was doing her post graduate studies in criminology at Melbourne Uni, in the boxing class sometimes last year. We exchanged phone numbers back then but I never got around to call her because I was so busy doing my rehab and wasn’t really interested in ‘wasting’ time chatting to some overseas student who is probably just bored in here. Besides, she is Chinese. Not that there is anything wrong with that, given that I’m also a Chinese. It’s just that from my experience, most Chinese girls are a bit superficial and not really into fitness. Many of them go to aerobics classes because it’s a bit like going dancing and they like that. I didn’t get to know Kavin well until I saw her again in the boxing class a couple of months ago. I saw her at the gym often but didn’t really talk very much. I only found out more about her while we were outside the boxing studio waiting for the class. It turned out that she is really sporty and have a passion for exercises. It was great to have her around because in the boxing class the instructor always ask people to pair up for the focus pads part. I used to dread that bit because of my mobility problem I always felt uncomfortable partnering up with someone I don’t know. For many weeks, we went boxing together and then attended the fitball class afterwards. She even turned up to the early morning BodyPump class a few times. On Tuesdays, I would normally go to the early morning BodyPump class, and then gym, cardio box and fitball, before I go home and have my physio session with Prema. I have been longing to find a gym body who can go to the classes and gym together. It’s very hard to find someone who has time and is committed to do that. It’s even harder to find someone who is fit enough to go to so many classes in a day. I have tried to drag some people to the fitball class with me after boxing and I’ve never seen them again since then. I guess sometimes I forget that it took me a long time to build up the fitness and endurance to go to so many sessions in a day.

It was sad for me that a couple of weeks ago Kavin had finished her studies and had gone back home. I wished I had found out more about her last year because unlike many Chinese girls I know, she is totally unpretentious and very down to earth. It turned out that she is a medical graduate and a psychiatrist working at a hospital in Hong Kong. She wanted to join the ‘doctors without borders’ and work in developing countries. I know many Asians study medicine wanting to become doctors because of the money and status but I haven’t met anyone who just want to help people who are less fortunate. I have a lot of respect like her.

Kavin knew my story and she told me when she first met me she could never have guessed that I had never been to the gym before I had the operation. She said because I look very athletic she thought I must be very sporty. She also thinks that I must be very strong because she said she had seen many young men in Hong Kong who had stroke and had just totally given up. I don’t think I’m that strong. I did go through a very difficult time but I think it was helpful to be addicted to gym and classes because it made me work harder.

It’s just not the same not having Kavin around in the boxing class now. After she had gone, I had to pair up with other people in the class. It’s become quite awkward and unpleasant for me. There’s this girl in the class I often see at the gym. I know she’s a regular in the class. A couple of weeks ago in the class I asked her to pair up with me in the session. She agreed. I think it was a mistake because last week when I went to the class, I noticed that when the instructor asked us to pair up, she and many of the regulars were avoiding eye contact with me. I think they’re worried that I might ask them to pair up with me. I felt deeply hurt because I don’t need them to pair up with me. I certainly don’t want them to say yes just out of politeness or sympathy. I feel that many people start to avoid me because of this. Tim said I’m too sensitive but I feel that some of them even start to avoid eye contact with me when I see them at the gym because maybe they’re worried if they’re too friendly I might ask them to pair up next time. I just wish they can undersatand what I’ve been through and how hard I had to work to get to this stage and that I DON’T need to pair up with any of them. I want respect, not sympathy.

23 May 2007

Just got back from running group at Epworth. Had a pretty good session today. I'm starting to realise that running is like those group fitness classes I've been attending - it's like skill acquisition - it takes practice and it takes time to improve.

My running is definitely getting better. Prema has been working on my running as well. For a while, I was getting a bit frustrated with not getting enough attention from Gavin in the running group so I asked for Prema's help since she has been working with me since I first came home from the hospital. She said she doesn't have a PhD in running like Gavin does but she can give it a try anyway. She gave me some exercise to do to make my running more symmetrical, which has always been my problem, a few weeks ago. When I went to the running group a couple of weeks ago, when I complained to Gavin about the symmetry problem, he gave me exactly the same exercise Prema has given me. This has given me even more confidence in her ability. It goes to show that yo don't need whole lot of experience in neurorehab or a PhD in running. You just have to be smart to know how to solve problems.

There were only a few people in the running group today and most of them went to the carpark for longer distance running. It was good that way because Gavin stayed with me and a couple of other guys in the lawn area. He spent a lot of time looking at my running and gave me various exercises to try.

James, the guy who had a heart attack, turned up quite late today and joined us as well. The rule of the running group is that you have to do one push up for every minute that you are late. I think he was about 20 minutes late. When Gavin reminded him of the rule, he said he can't do pushups etc. Gavin insisted that he try. I almost feel sorry for him and volunteer to do it for him. He kept going on about he can't etc and Gavin said he doesn't know anyone in the running group who can't do pushups. James pointed at me and said to Gavin "what about her?" Before I even opened my mouth, Gavin said to him "I'll bet my house that she can". Well, it looked like he had a lot of confidence in me. I told James I couldn't before but now I can. I just think it's interesting to look back and see how much progress I've made.

Another interesting thing I noticed is that I used to panic and worry about not having as many physio sessions with Gavin as previously because I feel going to the place is very normal and I feel very safe there. Now when I go there, I actually feel the place is not normal at all. I feel going to the gym and the classes are a lot more normal than going to physio.