20 May 2005
I must admit that I have been a bit slack in keep my diary updated. I guess there are just too many things on my mind at the moment. One main issue is about going back to work at the end of the year. When I caught up with my collegues on Wednesday night, they told me the new segment leader has arrived and was asking about if and when I would go back to work. I'm not sure if I'm ready to go back yet. I don't think I can cope with people staring at me or look at me like I'm a freak. I have to give him a call to discuss this and I have been putting it off because I’ve never met him before and I don’t know if he is nice and sympathetic of my situation. I find this quite consuming. I’m a bit sick and tired of having to worry about it all the time.
The bathroom people told me yesterday they will arrange for someone to come and collect our portable bathroom this morning. I told them to come and collect it after 10 a.m. so I have plenty of time to get ready. I had an appointment at Epworth at 11 a.m. so I had to leave the house by 10.15 a.m. anyway. I timed myself so that I could do some exercise bike, have some breakfast, have a shower and clean up the portable bathroom before I had to go. I started to panic when the builders still didn’t turn up by 10.15 a.m. Tim told me he had an important meeting to go at 11 a.m. but I wasn’t sure where the meeting is. I was really freaking out that the builders haven’t showed up and I really needed to get my taxi and leave the house. Tim couldn’t understand why this has to be so stressful. Maybe I’m just so easily stressed and maybe that’s how I had the brain tumour.
Gavin was with another patient when I got to the physio room. This time, I took off the ankle brace before he mention it and was all ready for my usual exercises. He asked me how did I go yesterday. I didn’t quite understand what he meant by that at first and then I guessed he probably meant my walking practice. I told him I didn’t do very much yesterday because I had my deep tissue massage yesterday and I don’t do too much after the massage. He was a bit disappointed. He said I have to do my walking practice if I want to get better.
I started with the mini trampoline and then walking practice. I must say it’s getting kind of boring. I actually don’t mind it when there are other people around. I noticed there’s woman on the exercise bike. She only has one shoe on. Her other foot is in plaster so I presume she had some kind of injury to the foot or leg. At first, I thought she was an orthopaedic patient. I didn’t realise how bad it was until she got off the bike and was trying to set up the leg press by herself. I noticed that she has a very big scar across her other leg and she was only using her right hand to adjust the height of the leg press. Her other arm was flexed from the elbow. She probably looks quite normal to the untrained eyes but for someone who has experienced that herself, I know immediately that she had some kind of brain injury.
Gavin came out to check on me. He thinks my walking is much better. He said he’ll do something to help correct my walking. I was really nervous about that. I remember last time he did that I was really struggling to keep my balance and I had my ankle brace on then. He stood behind me and as I started walking, he helped me to swing my hip forward like Prema did last time. That wasn’t too bad. I told him it felt like I kept sticking out my butt to keep my balance when I try to walk a bit faster. He told me to go to the walking rails and gave me an exercise to do so I don’t stick out my butt when I’m walking. He sat up a mirror on the side so I can check it for myself from time to time. While I was practising, he was working with another patient, the one who had spinal injury. Gavin was trying to help that patient to walk. He was sitting on a stool with wheels and was supporting the patient with one hand and moving the patient’s foot with the other– the sight is too familiar. It reminded me when I first started learning to walk again. I couldn’t see them all the time because they were behind me but I couldn’t help eavesdropping on their conversation. I think the patient must have almost fell over because I heard him screaming and the Gavin told him he actually dropped one of his patients once. He said this was the first week at his first job as a neuro physio and he was also working with someone who had spinal injury. I found it bit hard to concentraqte on my exercises now as I was waiting to hear him finish the story. He said he thought the patient was doing fine until he suddenly had some muscle spasm and fell. He couldn’t stop the guy from falling so he fell to the ground with him just so it didn’t look so bad. I thought it was pretty funny but I was able to refrain myself from laughing. Fortunately, I didn’t have one of those uncontrollable giggles. Gavin came to check on my exercise and asked me what did I think of that. I told him it’s ok but I actually had the rails to hold onto so it probably made the exercise a bit easier. He told me to get out of the rails and stand in the middle of the room to practice. He said if I don’t find the exercise hard then he is not doing his job properly. It’s interesting he said that. In that case, MECRS probably has never done their jobs properly. I stood in the middle of the room and practiced that for a while until he told me that’s probably enough for me and I can go back to the hallway to continue with my walking practices. As I was leaving the room, I saw Eliza walking pass. Her physio, Cathy, was helping her. She has this big gait aid that looks like a very tall frame with arm rests. I was very surprised and glad to see the rapid improvement in her. A few weeks ago, she couldn’t even stand for more than a few seconds. Now, she is walking with a gait aid. She still can’t speak yet but at least she is more mobile.
I went back to the hallway and did a few more laps. I didn’t feel any different from before. In fact, as I was trying to tuck my bottom in, my ankle tends to invert more. I think it’s probably my brain is still not sending the right signals down my leg and as I was trying to squeeze my butt, it was doing more ankle inversion instead. Gavin came out to check on me after a while. I told him I still can’t hold my butt in all the time and my ankle inverts so much. He didn’t think my ankle inversion was that bad. He thinks it’s actually looking better. He said when I first went there I was not physically strong enough to walk around without the ankle brace on so he didn’t get me to do it back then but now I’m physically strong enough to do it and I just need to practice walking and fast walking without it. He told me to practice hard at home and he will time me again next Wednesday.
Neil came in the afternoon to help me with my exercises. He brought me a present from both him and Rosemary. It’s so nicely wrapped and I thought it might be a test for my left hand. When I opened it, I realised it’s a CD of Mozart’s arias. Rosemary is so thoughtful. I think I might have mentioned it to her once that I like Mozart and I saw the movie ‘Amadeus’ seven or eight times. I’m susrprised that she remembers that.
Neil asked to check my exercise book. I told him that I haven’t been doing all the exercises because I have been concentrating on the strengthening exercises Gavin gave me. I also have been using a lot of the elliptical I hired. He thinks maybe it’s time that the exercise book is redudant now. I’m not sure. I don’t even know what residual problems I have with my arm. I think that’s something I need to check with Prema and Gavin.
After Neil had left, I went back to the study and tried to call my new boss. I was very nervous and was rehearsing in my head what I should say when he pick up the phone. The phone rang out a few times and went to his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message. I think I’ll try calling again on Monday. I need to call HR anyway because I noticed that some transaction with the description of payroll just went into my bank account yesterday which doesn’t seem to be right. I have been on unpaid sick leave all this time so I don’t know why the fornightly pay went into my account. I tried calling them earlier but they told me the system was down so they couldn’t look it up for me but if they have mistakenly credited my account, I need to return the money to them. This makes me worry as well because I don’t know if they know I’m not back at work yet.
The bathroom people told me yesterday they will arrange for someone to come and collect our portable bathroom this morning. I told them to come and collect it after 10 a.m. so I have plenty of time to get ready. I had an appointment at Epworth at 11 a.m. so I had to leave the house by 10.15 a.m. anyway. I timed myself so that I could do some exercise bike, have some breakfast, have a shower and clean up the portable bathroom before I had to go. I started to panic when the builders still didn’t turn up by 10.15 a.m. Tim told me he had an important meeting to go at 11 a.m. but I wasn’t sure where the meeting is. I was really freaking out that the builders haven’t showed up and I really needed to get my taxi and leave the house. Tim couldn’t understand why this has to be so stressful. Maybe I’m just so easily stressed and maybe that’s how I had the brain tumour.
Gavin was with another patient when I got to the physio room. This time, I took off the ankle brace before he mention it and was all ready for my usual exercises. He asked me how did I go yesterday. I didn’t quite understand what he meant by that at first and then I guessed he probably meant my walking practice. I told him I didn’t do very much yesterday because I had my deep tissue massage yesterday and I don’t do too much after the massage. He was a bit disappointed. He said I have to do my walking practice if I want to get better.
I started with the mini trampoline and then walking practice. I must say it’s getting kind of boring. I actually don’t mind it when there are other people around. I noticed there’s woman on the exercise bike. She only has one shoe on. Her other foot is in plaster so I presume she had some kind of injury to the foot or leg. At first, I thought she was an orthopaedic patient. I didn’t realise how bad it was until she got off the bike and was trying to set up the leg press by herself. I noticed that she has a very big scar across her other leg and she was only using her right hand to adjust the height of the leg press. Her other arm was flexed from the elbow. She probably looks quite normal to the untrained eyes but for someone who has experienced that herself, I know immediately that she had some kind of brain injury.
Gavin came out to check on me. He thinks my walking is much better. He said he’ll do something to help correct my walking. I was really nervous about that. I remember last time he did that I was really struggling to keep my balance and I had my ankle brace on then. He stood behind me and as I started walking, he helped me to swing my hip forward like Prema did last time. That wasn’t too bad. I told him it felt like I kept sticking out my butt to keep my balance when I try to walk a bit faster. He told me to go to the walking rails and gave me an exercise to do so I don’t stick out my butt when I’m walking. He sat up a mirror on the side so I can check it for myself from time to time. While I was practising, he was working with another patient, the one who had spinal injury. Gavin was trying to help that patient to walk. He was sitting on a stool with wheels and was supporting the patient with one hand and moving the patient’s foot with the other– the sight is too familiar. It reminded me when I first started learning to walk again. I couldn’t see them all the time because they were behind me but I couldn’t help eavesdropping on their conversation. I think the patient must have almost fell over because I heard him screaming and the Gavin told him he actually dropped one of his patients once. He said this was the first week at his first job as a neuro physio and he was also working with someone who had spinal injury. I found it bit hard to concentraqte on my exercises now as I was waiting to hear him finish the story. He said he thought the patient was doing fine until he suddenly had some muscle spasm and fell. He couldn’t stop the guy from falling so he fell to the ground with him just so it didn’t look so bad. I thought it was pretty funny but I was able to refrain myself from laughing. Fortunately, I didn’t have one of those uncontrollable giggles. Gavin came to check on my exercise and asked me what did I think of that. I told him it’s ok but I actually had the rails to hold onto so it probably made the exercise a bit easier. He told me to get out of the rails and stand in the middle of the room to practice. He said if I don’t find the exercise hard then he is not doing his job properly. It’s interesting he said that. In that case, MECRS probably has never done their jobs properly. I stood in the middle of the room and practiced that for a while until he told me that’s probably enough for me and I can go back to the hallway to continue with my walking practices. As I was leaving the room, I saw Eliza walking pass. Her physio, Cathy, was helping her. She has this big gait aid that looks like a very tall frame with arm rests. I was very surprised and glad to see the rapid improvement in her. A few weeks ago, she couldn’t even stand for more than a few seconds. Now, she is walking with a gait aid. She still can’t speak yet but at least she is more mobile.
I went back to the hallway and did a few more laps. I didn’t feel any different from before. In fact, as I was trying to tuck my bottom in, my ankle tends to invert more. I think it’s probably my brain is still not sending the right signals down my leg and as I was trying to squeeze my butt, it was doing more ankle inversion instead. Gavin came out to check on me after a while. I told him I still can’t hold my butt in all the time and my ankle inverts so much. He didn’t think my ankle inversion was that bad. He thinks it’s actually looking better. He said when I first went there I was not physically strong enough to walk around without the ankle brace on so he didn’t get me to do it back then but now I’m physically strong enough to do it and I just need to practice walking and fast walking without it. He told me to practice hard at home and he will time me again next Wednesday.
Neil came in the afternoon to help me with my exercises. He brought me a present from both him and Rosemary. It’s so nicely wrapped and I thought it might be a test for my left hand. When I opened it, I realised it’s a CD of Mozart’s arias. Rosemary is so thoughtful. I think I might have mentioned it to her once that I like Mozart and I saw the movie ‘Amadeus’ seven or eight times. I’m susrprised that she remembers that.
Neil asked to check my exercise book. I told him that I haven’t been doing all the exercises because I have been concentrating on the strengthening exercises Gavin gave me. I also have been using a lot of the elliptical I hired. He thinks maybe it’s time that the exercise book is redudant now. I’m not sure. I don’t even know what residual problems I have with my arm. I think that’s something I need to check with Prema and Gavin.
After Neil had left, I went back to the study and tried to call my new boss. I was very nervous and was rehearsing in my head what I should say when he pick up the phone. The phone rang out a few times and went to his voice mail. I didn’t leave a message. I think I’ll try calling again on Monday. I need to call HR anyway because I noticed that some transaction with the description of payroll just went into my bank account yesterday which doesn’t seem to be right. I have been on unpaid sick leave all this time so I don’t know why the fornightly pay went into my account. I tried calling them earlier but they told me the system was down so they couldn’t look it up for me but if they have mistakenly credited my account, I need to return the money to them. This makes me worry as well because I don’t know if they know I’m not back at work yet.
posted by Teresa Liu at 1:13 AM
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