Teresa's Rehabilitation

7 September 2007

2007-09-06T21:08:00.000-07:00

I had a very good dance lesson with my teacher, Adam, this morning. After my disastrous social dance episode a couple of weeks ago, I have decided to change my ultimate goal. My old ultimate goal used to be just get back to dancing. I think I was happy enough to get back to social dancing with Tim. I have changed my mind now after that traumatic experience. My goal now is to get back to dancing but to be able to do ' practice class'. Practice Class is where competition couples go and do their competition practice. In the class, it mimics real competition situation that you have all the couples on the dance floor and they play music continuously like in a competition. This means, if we want to be able to go to practice class, we will have to be at a competition level. This may be very hard to achieve but like Gavin said ' if it's not hard, it's not rehab'. I was so disappointed with the social dance we went to last time and decided that the only way to get back at those people who chased us off the floor is to be able to dance better than they can.

When I saw Adam last week, I told him about this and told him about my new goal. He seemed to think it's a good goal to have and never indicated it's impossible. He said you've got to believe in yourself that you can do something. He said if he didn't believe that they'll be in the finals at the World's championship, they probably wouldn't be. I think he's got the right kind of attitude. I was hoping that Tim and I can have a lesson together with him tomorrow so when I see my rehab specialist, John Olver, on Monday, I can tell him that I'm working on our ballroom dancing competition routine. Unfortunately, he is totally booked out for the weekend because there is some major competition coming up. I guess yhat's the problem with having a high profile teacher.

Something funny happened the other day when I was walking back home after my Pilates session at the gym. A guy who was walking towards me stopped and asked me how was my training going. I had no idea what he was on about. 'Training? what training?" I asked back. He told me he saw me with a personal trainer doing some weight the other day at the gym. I think he must saw me with my personal trainer, Haydn, a couple of weeks ago. He asked me how often do I train. I was a bit embarrassed by this. I told him I go to the gym everyday but I use very light weight and I don't train very hard. He said 'I saw you training at the gym other day and you're beautiful, I want to ask you out'. This came as a surprise. It's very nice and flattering when you get something like this. I remember when I first started go to the gym I was so self conscious and always felt uncomfortable when someone looked at me. I would never have expected that someone would notice me at the gym and find me beautiful. To be honest, I didn't notice him at the gym at all. I guess what's more flattering is that he probably didn't notice that there's something wrong with me and I'm limping a bit. Maybe my impairment is not that noticeable these days.

I think it's kind of ironic that ballroom dancing used to be my 'thing' and I used to get a lot of attention when Tim and I went dancing together. I suppose I was a better dancer then and I looked a lot more attractive. I used to dread the progressives because I didn't want to dance with bad or beginner dancers and was annoyed when other people asked me top dance. Now when we go, people don't look at me at all and they probably think I'm just some clumsy beginner and nobody would ask me to dance if I sit there by myself.

25 August 2007

2007-08-24T18:36:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect to update the blog so soon but something happened yesterday that really upset me so I'm just using the blog as a way of venting my feeling.

Tim and I went dancing again last night and it was absolutely disastrous. We went there a little bit later than last time so we didn't get to start with some of the easier dances. When the progressive dances came on, Tim was restless and tried to talk me into doing it. I insisted that I'd stay out because it's hard enough to dance with him, not to mention with strangers who don't know my condition. He didn't want to sit through 3 progressives with me so he asked someone else to join in. That's fine except I was left alone by myself. I felt really stupid and self conscious and uncomfortable. I didn't know anybody there so there was nobody to talk to.

That was just the begging of it. When some of the dances I can do came on, I told Tim I'd like to try those but by that stage he was already sweaty and disgusting. He reckons he was just warmed up. The problem is we haven't danced together for a long time and he's forgotten most of the dances. For the New Vouge dances it's ok because it's a form of line dance and you can just follow the people in front. I've been working on these with Adam for sometime now and he's modifed many of the tricky steps so I can do them more easily. Tim doesn't know these modifications so it's a bit tricky when he tried to lead me into things that I can't do (yet). I found it hard enough to keep up with the music and Tim's huge steps didn't help. When we were competing, we were so used to take big steps so I think it's hard for him to change the size of his steps to accommodate me. At one stage, it was so bad that he literally picked me up and put me where he wanted me to go. It was very uncomfortable and humiliating. To make it worse, when I suggested that we'd do the next dance I know, he refused and told me that I'm not up to a stage that I can do the social dance yet. I know most of the new vogue waltzes finish with a rotary chaise and it's a bit fast and more high impact and I have problem getting around and do it at full speed. Because of this, people behind us often crash into us. Tim thinks it's inconsiderate that we're slowing people down or blocking there way. I see his point but how can I get better if I don't get my practice?

I think the way he put it to me was extremely insulting and demoralizing. I was almost in tears and just feel like punching something. It's almost as ridiculous as when I first started going to BodyPump and Alex thought I wasn't up to standard to go and I should do personal training instead. I really don't give a shit about how other dancers feel that I'm blocking their way. If they are so good, can't they just avoid the collision? How many of them had hemiplegia and had to relearn everything?

I also feel resentful that I don't get any sympathy or respect from others there. When we were sitting there arguing, the girl who Tim has asked to dance with previously came over to have a chat. I found out that she is the dance partner of one of the teachers there so she must be very good. When I told her that I've had a brain injury and had to relearn how to walk and to dance. She didn't seem to understand. I mentioned a TAC ad a while back about this woman who had a car accident and had to relearn how to walk and speak again. She still didn't seem to understand because she didn't seem that surprised that I'm back on the dance floor again. I guess I was expecting people to say something nice like ' you're amazing or you're so inspirational' like I often get when I told people I met at the gym but not much reaction from the dance community. Strange.

I feel so unappreciated, especially from Tim. When I told him I couldn't follow his lead, he didn't believe the problem was him because he had no problem dancing with strangers, so the problem must be me. I admit that I still have a lot of work to do but I think he's forgotten that 3 years ago I couldn't even walk and they didn't know whether I'd be able to walk again. So far, I've proven the rehab specialist's prognosis wrong. I worked my butt off to get here. He didn't think it's a good indication that I'm ready to go social dancing just because when I danced with Adam, my dance teacher, I could keep up with music and had no problem. He said a world champion dancer can adapt to any situation and compensate for my short comings. That may be true but I still think I should not be blamed for everything. He wasn't listening when I said to him a few months ago that I got so bored dancing with my teacher all the time because he is so easy to dance with and I told him that my goal is to get back to dancing with him, not go back to dancing with my teacher. Was he listening, no. Now he thinks I'm just not ready to go social dancing yet. I think the problem is it's been a long time and he's forgotten a lot of it. To be able to dance together again, we'll l probably need to have some dance lesson together.

It was such a disastrous evening. I felt so unhappy afterwards and after what I've been through I really didn't need that. When I came home, I just felt like I needed to go for a run or go to the gym or something. I think maybe I've changed, I don't think I like dancing that much anymore. I find it more satisfying after a workout at the gym or a BodyPump class. Dancing doesn't seem to give me the same endorphin that gym work does, which keeps me happy. It's kind of ironic to say that the one thing that kept me going in rehab ended up being the one thing that I no longer enjoy doing.

19 August 2007

2007-08-18T00:08:00.000-07:00

I have to update the blog because there is a landmark event to report. Tim and I went dancing last night. This was the first time we danced together since my operation. I think it may have been the first time we danced in 5 years or so. Tim had to look for where he stored his dance shoes and give the soles a good brush.

I have been having dance lesson with Adam for over 6 months now and I'm so used to dance with him now. It was a bit hard to adjust to dance with Tim again. I think I've forgotten what it's like to go social dancing when there are many other people on the dance floor. My brain has so much more to process - the music, the steps, Tim's lead and also the people around me.

I think I've done reasonably well considering 3 years ago I was completely paralysed and couldn't even walk. Tim thinks I haven't been working hard enough and that Adam doesn't push me hard enough. I told him that he can't expect everyone to be like Gavin.

It was kind of funny that nobody there seemed to notice that something is wrong with me. I was expecting people staring at me because I walk with a limp and probably dance funny but to my surprise nobody seemed to notice. I think many people just assumed that we are beginners and some even said to us that we picked the hardest ones to dance. It was also funny that when we tried to explain to someone that we haven't danced for years because I was recovering from a brain injury and relearning how to walk again that she told us there was one stage she stopped dancing and when she eventually got back, she couldn't even walk on the dance floor. Tim and I looked at each other and smiled. Tim said to her " oh, she did have a brain injury". but she didn't seem to get it. We knew there was no point explaining because I don't think anybody there would comprehend what I've been through and how hard I had to work to get there.

Tim was a bit offended when I told him the big difference between dancing with him and Adam is that Adam is so light and effortless and he doesn't pull me off my balance. Tim thinks it's unfair to compare with him with someone who is 6th in the world (Adam and his partner came sixth in the recent worlds 10 dance championship).

It's kind of strange that when I was at MECRS, the dance photo on the wall ( Tim put one of the dance wedding photo there) kept my spirits up and motivated. He always tells me that my ultimate goal is to get back to dancing and I have been telling myself that, too. I had to work extremely hard to get to this stage and when I finally went, it didn't seem that challenging and exciting. I know this may sound ungrateful but I told Tim somehow I feel it's more satisfying doing chin ups, pushups and lunges because they are physically demanding and challenging. I think my body is so used to working very hard and because I'm not dancing with full capacity, it's not as physically demanding as other exercises I do.

In any case, this is just a beginning of me getting back to dancing.

Today, Tim and I went to a spinning class together. We have been to one before but I didn't feel I worked at all. This time, there is a different instructor and I found he explains better than the other one and I had a really good workout. I now can understand why people go to spinning classes.

31 July 2007

2007-07-31T00:21:00.000-07:00

I had no idea that it's been almost 2 months since I updated the blog. I've been very busy and was falling a bit behind with updating the blog but it didn't occur to me that it has been that long.

I've made a lot of progress over the last two months. My walking is better and faster and my running is more symmetrical. Neil has been accompanying me to do my running practice on the running track since ANZAC Day and it has definitely helped. It's always helpful when there is another person there because I can't see myself when I run so he can give me some feedback. Also, it's nice to have someone there with me while I'm doing my running practice. I still feel intimidated by people around me sometimes.

One major progress is that I just started to be able to jump on the weekend. The first time I tried since the operation was about two weeks ago when I went to the running group. Gavin got me to jump off a step. I found it extremely hard because it put a lot of pressure on my joints as I land. I almost twisted my ankle at one stage and I just couldn't do it on the floor at all. I told Prema about this last week and she tried to get me to jump off the ground but I just couldn't so she get me some bouncing exercises to do as a preparation for the jump to start with. I practiced that a few times and then suddenly I discovered that I could jump from the floor. I was so excited about this so I showed it to Tim and Lillian. Lillian looked at it and said 'Mommy, you got to jump higher'. Tim was laughing because I think he was thinking the same thing.

I came to realise that running is a bit like going to the group fitness classes - It needs time and it takes practice. I think I have forgotten how far I've come because I've been going to these classes for a year now and I'm starting to take it for granted a bit. Since the VSU (voluntary student union)was introduced, the Melbourne uni gym changed it's membership structure because of the lack of funding. It used to have different categories of membership so people can pay less and just join the gym or just go to classes. Now they only have one type of membership so you pay a higher price but it's all inclusive.

Many people who wouldn't normally go to classes have started to turn up and there are new people in classes almost every week. I must say I have forgotten how bad I was when I first started until I looked at these people. I have been going to BodyStep, BodyPump, Tri Athletic (a type of aerobics class that has 3 components - hi low, step and sculpt), Fitball, Pilates and Cardio Box for a while now so I get quite comfortable going to these classes. Looking at the beginners make me realise that all these classes require different skills and people aren't just born with them. I know this sounds really bad but I find it quite amusing just to watch some guys who look so fit and strong but are totally uncoordinated when it comes to aerobics. The instructor would go to one direction and they would end up in the opposite direction. I'm sure I had a lot of troubles when I first started but I can't remember that far back now.

Something really funny happened the other day. I think I used to complain that there's this woman who used to race me upstairs at the gym to get the cross trainer that I liked. This hasn't happened for a while since they replaced all the cross trainers in the cardio area with the ones I don't like (they bought a whole lot of cardio equipment from True and I think they're crap machines). I tend to go to the downstairs area of the gym where they still have the LifeFitness cross trainers. I haven't seen this woman for a while until one day she turned up in the fitball class. The instructor would always ask if there's anyone there for the first time so she can keep an eye on them. I remember when I first started, I used to fall off the ball all the time but that hasn't happened for quite a while now unless I try something really adventurous. I find the fitball class quite easy. I usually go there straight after the boxing class and use it as a cooldown. I couldn't stop laughing when I saw that woman keeping falling off the ball. It also makes me realise that even normal people need to practice to get good at something.

Speaking of boxing and fitball, they are the classes I have stopped going regularly. I don't like going to the boxing class because the instructor would always ask us to pair up with focus pads in one part of the class. I found that many of the regulars started to ignore me and wouldn't even have eye contact with me because they don't want to pair up with me. Last week when I went to the class, I felt like a ghost because people would walk straight pass me and pretended that they didn't see me. It's very uncomfortable and demoralising. After what I've been through I feel I really don't need this shit from them. It's so hard to be a good Christian in this situation. Instead of forgiving them, I was hoping they get what they deserve. Maybe they should try hemiplegia sometimes. When I mentioned this to Tim, he said now you know what it feels like to go social dancing when you are a bit awkward and nobody wants to dance with you. He said we should have been more helpful in the past with those people when we used to go dancing. I told him I think the difference is I was never nasty to those bad dancers before, I would never ignore them I would be nice and friendly to them but if they ask me to dance I would just say no. I think the problem in the boxing class is that these people don't know how to say no and they just ignore me so they'll never have to say that. I didn't go today because I didn't want to face them but I should make an effort to go in future because if the class is good for my rehab, why should I give up when it's not even my fault.

6 June 2007

2007-06-05T00:20:00.000-07:00

This is another special edition of the blog. Today is a very special day. It is Evelyn’s 90^th birthday. Evelyn is Neil’s mum and one of the loyal and long time readers of my blog. I think Evelyn probably started reading my blog even before I read them. Tim started the blog when I was in hospital and I didn’t get to read them until I got home a few months later. I just want to say thank you for being a loyal reader, Evelyn. Wish you a very happy birthday and many happy returns.

I had another assessment with the occupational physician hired by the tax office last week. I had been dreading this for months. In the last assessment, she was trying to get me back full time in 3 months but my doctor stopped her. I was really nervous when I got to the meeting because of what she tried to do last time. Surprisingly, she was not as pushy as last time. I think it may have helped that I acknowledged that I probably won’t be able to go back to full time. I think I’m starting to realize that it maybe too much for me to work full time and also try to do rehab. It is pretty hard to get up at 5.30 in the morning and go to the gym before work and work a full day and then rush home to prepare dinner before I go to a class early evening. I have been doing that on the Mondays and tried to go to the gym and then BodyStep before going to work on Thursdays. The days become very long with 2 gym sessions and a full day of work. I don’t know if I can cope doing that every day. Fortunately, the occupational physician thinks I’m ready to work another day but it doesn’t start until July. She thinks I should start with 4 hours and gradually increase to a full day by September. This gives me a little bit more time to adjust I guess.

I had a good running session with Neil yesterday. Neil has been helping me with running for some time now. Because I can’t see myself run, I need someone to tell me what I look like when I run and Neil has been kind enough to do that – just be my mirror. We went to the running track outside the gym and did some practice there before heading to the boxing class. I think Neil just wanted to help so after reading my last blog, he suggested that we go boxing together so I can have a partner for the focus pads section. I must say it was so much more fun in the class having him around.

2 June 2007

2007-06-02T07:21:00.000-07:00

This is the special anniversary edition of the blog. Today marks the 3^rd anniversary of my operation. It’s not really a long time but it has been a very long journey for me. I was reading the blog Tim has kept for me after my operation and I’m glad he did that because I can hardly remember those early days – right after the operation and at MECRS, the rehab hospital. When people look at me now, they can hardly believe what I’ve been through when I told them that.

I guess I’m unlucky that this had happened but lucky that I had a lot of support from friends and family when I was going through the most difficult part of the journey. I have to say that I’m very grateful for the help of Neil and Rosemary. They have helped tremendously right from the beginning, when I couldn’t even move my fingers. They have provided a lot of morale support throughout my rehab, especially when I went through a stage that I just hated the way I looked and didn’t want to go anywhere or be seen by anyone. It took me a long time to get over that. It’s the part of the journey that I really don’t want to remember. I’m also very fortunate that Tim has been so helpful and supportive. I couldn’t have done it without him.

I think in a way this had to happen to me. Maybe it’s fate or destiny. I used to be such a delicate flower (Tim used to call me that) before my operation. I was not sporty and had never been to the gym. Tim’s family are all very active and now Lillian is like that too. I think my ideal holiday before would be staying in a 5 star hotel and just do nothing. Now, I can’t stand doing nothing. Last weekend when we were at the farm, I was really looking forward to having a bit of rest after 2 full days of work and 15 gym sessions. The weather was beautiful and Tim suggested that we go on this challenging bike ride we’ve been talking about for a while – a loop from McCartins track to Dollar and then Turtons Creek and back. It’s a very heely track and we didn’t know how long it’d take. We had to pack plenty of water and food with us because we’ve never done this before and it could take a long time. I did mention to Tim that for some reason my body wasn’t really craving for the long bike ride since I just had a big week of training. The weather was too beautiful to stay inside so I decided I’d go anyway. It was definitely a very challenging ride – the most challenging one I’ve ever done. I think there were times I didn’t know whether I could make it. It’s also hard when you don’t know the road very well, you don’t know how long you still have to go. I was surprised to find out that it only took us about 3 ½ hours to get back. We had to walk the last km or so because the bike was falling apart and we didn’t have the tool to fix it. Tim said it’s probably about 30 or 40 km ride. I think that’s the longest one we’ve done so far. I was quite tired after that but not absolutely knackered. Tim said he didn’t think I could have done this before my operation. He thinks I’m fitter and stronger than I have ever been. He was surprised that I didn’t complain at all. I told him I think I’m the ‘new improved model’ since the operation. I think now I’m more like them, a lot more active than before. Otherwise, I’d be the odd one out. While they go out for a bike ride or to the beach and I’ll probably just stay at home and do nothing.

I haven’t got around to mention this in my previous blogs. I finally met someone who was almost like a gym buddy to me. I met Kavin, a girl from Hong Kong who was doing her post graduate studies in criminology at Melbourne Uni, in the boxing class sometimes last year. We exchanged phone numbers back then but I never got around to call her because I was so busy doing my rehab and wasn’t really interested in ‘wasting’ time chatting to some overseas student who is probably just bored in here. Besides, she is Chinese. Not that there is anything wrong with that, given that I’m also a Chinese. It’s just that from my experience, most Chinese girls are a bit superficial and not really into fitness. Many of them go to aerobics classes because it’s a bit like going dancing and they like that. I didn’t get to know Kavin well until I saw her again in the boxing class a couple of months ago. I saw her at the gym often but didn’t really talk very much. I only found out more about her while we were outside the boxing studio waiting for the class. It turned out that she is really sporty and have a passion for exercises. It was great to have her around because in the boxing class the instructor always ask people to pair up for the focus pads part. I used to dread that bit because of my mobility problem I always felt uncomfortable partnering up with someone I don’t know. For many weeks, we went boxing together and then attended the fitball class afterwards. She even turned up to the early morning BodyPump class a few times. On Tuesdays, I would normally go to the early morning BodyPump class, and then gym, cardio box and fitball, before I go home and have my physio session with Prema. I have been longing to find a gym body who can go to the classes and gym together. It’s very hard to find someone who has time and is committed to do that. It’s even harder to find someone who is fit enough to go to so many classes in a day. I have tried to drag some people to the fitball class with me after boxing and I’ve never seen them again since then. I guess sometimes I forget that it took me a long time to build up the fitness and endurance to go to so many sessions in a day.

It was sad for me that a couple of weeks ago Kavin had finished her studies and had gone back home. I wished I had found out more about her last year because unlike many Chinese girls I know, she is totally unpretentious and very down to earth. It turned out that she is a medical graduate and a psychiatrist working at a hospital in Hong Kong. She wanted to join the ‘doctors without borders’ and work in developing countries. I know many Asians study medicine wanting to become doctors because of the money and status but I haven’t met anyone who just want to help people who are less fortunate. I have a lot of respect like her.

Kavin knew my story and she told me when she first met me she could never have guessed that I had never been to the gym before I had the operation. She said because I look very athletic she thought I must be very sporty. She also thinks that I must be very strong because she said she had seen many young men in Hong Kong who had stroke and had just totally given up. I don’t think I’m that strong. I did go through a very difficult time but I think it was helpful to be addicted to gym and classes because it made me work harder.

It’s just not the same not having Kavin around in the boxing class now. After she had gone, I had to pair up with other people in the class. It’s become quite awkward and unpleasant for me. There’s this girl in the class I often see at the gym. I know she’s a regular in the class. A couple of weeks ago in the class I asked her to pair up with me in the session. She agreed. I think it was a mistake because last week when I went to the class, I noticed that when the instructor asked us to pair up, she and many of the regulars were avoiding eye contact with me. I think they’re worried that I might ask them to pair up with me. I felt deeply hurt because I don’t need them to pair up with me. I certainly don’t want them to say yes just out of politeness or sympathy. I feel that many people start to avoid me because of this. Tim said I’m too sensitive but I feel that some of them even start to avoid eye contact with me when I see them at the gym because maybe they’re worried if they’re too friendly I might ask them to pair up next time. I just wish they can undersatand what I’ve been through and how hard I had to work to get to this stage and that I DON’T need to pair up with any of them. I want respect, not sympathy.

23 May 2007

2007-05-22T23:01:00.000-07:00

Just got back from running group at Epworth. Had a pretty good session today. I'm starting to realise that running is like those group fitness classes I've been attending - it's like skill acquisition - it takes practice and it takes time to improve.

My running is definitely getting better. Prema has been working on my running as well. For a while, I was getting a bit frustrated with not getting enough attention from Gavin in the running group so I asked for Prema's help since she has been working with me since I first came home from the hospital. She said she doesn't have a PhD in running like Gavin does but she can give it a try anyway. She gave me some exercise to do to make my running more symmetrical, which has always been my problem, a few weeks ago. When I went to the running group a couple of weeks ago, when I complained to Gavin about the symmetry problem, he gave me exactly the same exercise Prema has given me. This has given me even more confidence in her ability. It goes to show that yo don't need whole lot of experience in neurorehab or a PhD in running. You just have to be smart to know how to solve problems.

There were only a few people in the running group today and most of them went to the carpark for longer distance running. It was good that way because Gavin stayed with me and a couple of other guys in the lawn area. He spent a lot of time looking at my running and gave me various exercises to try.

James, the guy who had a heart attack, turned up quite late today and joined us as well. The rule of the running group is that you have to do one push up for every minute that you are late. I think he was about 20 minutes late. When Gavin reminded him of the rule, he said he can't do pushups etc. Gavin insisted that he try. I almost feel sorry for him and volunteer to do it for him. He kept going on about he can't etc and Gavin said he doesn't know anyone in the running group who can't do pushups. James pointed at me and said to Gavin "what about her?" Before I even opened my mouth, Gavin said to him "I'll bet my house that she can". Well, it looked like he had a lot of confidence in me. I told James I couldn't before but now I can. I just think it's interesting to look back and see how much progress I've made.

Another interesting thing I noticed is that I used to panic and worry about not having as many physio sessions with Gavin as previously because I feel going to the place is very normal and I feel very safe there. Now when I go there, I actually feel the place is not normal at all. I feel going to the gym and the classes are a lot more normal than going to physio.

3 May 2007

2007-05-03T01:17:00.000-07:00

First diary entry in a month. I kept saying I'd update my blog more regularly but I just couldn't find any spare time to actually do it.

I'm working 2 full days now - Mondays and Thursdays. I have been working 2 half days for a while and it was getting quite easy but 2 full days are pretty draining. The hardest thing to do is to be well organised so I can still go to the gym before work, have meals ready for Tim and Lillian, and go to a class after work. I really struggled on Monday when I had to get up at 5.30 a.m. and go to the gym before work, rushing home after work and go to the gym class after work. I found the only way I could prepare a decent meal is if I start preparing the night before so I started making dinner for Monday night on Sunday evening. I also had a massage appointment that night so I had about 10 minutes to wolf down my dinner and rushed straight to see Judy, my massage therapist. I almost fell asleep on the massage table because I was so exhausted.

I'm starting to question if I can continue to do this or is returing to full time work too ambitious. I wonder how do normal people do it. I started to ask around. Prema said most people don't have time to exercise and certainly don't have time to eat well and exercise at the same time. I asked Unna about it because she often works at the gym from 6.30 a.m. I wondered how she does it. She said she doesn't have much pf a social life and has to go to bed early. She said I'm actually a minority - getting up early and go to the gym before work. For normal people, it probably doesn't matter if they don't exercise as much. Gor someone like me, I can't afford to slack off.

Neil has been kind enough to help out with my running practice. He has been my 'mirror' since I can't see myself running and I need some feedback in terms of how I look etc so I can ask Gavin for help. He has asked me to update the blog with a recent incident because he thinks it will make his mother, Evelyn, laugh. I know Evelyn has been a regukar reader of my blog so I cannot disappoint her.

Last Friday, I went to BodyPump and then BodyStep as usual. In BodyPump, I ran into someone I met a few days ago when I was waiting for a class. I asked him if he was staying for the step class after BodyPump. He told me he was very tired so he wouldn't stay but when he found out I was staying, he set up a step next to me and stayed. I don't use the step for the class because I'm too scared of falling off and twist my ankle. In any case, I'm there to work on my speed and coordination, it doesn't matter if I don't use the step.

I must say, I'm getting more comfortable with the aerobics class these days that I actually quite enjoy it because it is a bit like dancing. I don't normally look at what other people are doing in the class but since this guy was just next to me, every time I turn I could see him. I could also see in the mirror that he was really struggling. in the warm up section, the instructor was going to one direction and he was going to the opposite direction. There were times that he just slipped off the step but fortunately not injured. At one stage, he was so lost and he just stood there. The instructor kept saying ' don't just stand there and watch, join in'.

After the class, I was really surprised to find out that he does personal training as a hobby. He looks very muscly and fit. One would think someone like that should be able to do it easily and not totally uncoordinated. It just made me realise that I'm starting to take aerobics for granted now because I have been doing it for a while now. It didn't occur to me before that even normal people need practice to do aerobics well. Like dancing, it is really an acquired skill. I remember there was one stage I used to have to push myself to the class and while I was there, I kept looking at the clock to see when it would end because it was such a torture and I really hated it. Now I think the hard work has paid off because I actually quite like it because I find it challenging.

Another funny thing was the guy thought I was 20 something and has asked me out for a coffee. I thought the ring on my figer was obvious. Maybe some people are not very observant. I think he was really shocked when I told him I'm 36, married and have a 3 year old. He said all the exercises I'm doing must be keeping me young. I didn't have the heart to tell him , well, I only just started going to the gym after my brain injury.

4 April 2007

2007-04-03T22:50:00.000-07:00

First diary entry in April. I must admit that I think Tim is much better in keeping a weblog. On the weekend, I was going through the log he kept for me when I just had the operation and I was really impressed with his effort. I'm glad that he took photos and kept a log for me because I can hardly remember that far back. I guess because I see myself everyday so I don't see much change but if you look at what I was like right after the operation and compare it with now, it's quite amazing how much better I have become.

I guess it's so easy to take things for granted. I often feel that I'm not making much progress in my running or complain about not being able to do BodyStep properly. Looking at the log and the photos just make me realise how far I've come. From not being able to get out of the bed and walk to the toliet to running and going to the gym and aerobics is quite a big step.

I think I'm going to try to update the blog more regularly and keep it more concise. I was complaing to Tim the other day that I couldn't believe when I asked a collegue how his weekend was and he started telling me all the details with time. For example, he got home at 12.30 pm on Saturday and had lunch at ... time and then... I switched off stright away. When I looked at some of my old blogs, I couldn't believe I did that, too. Like at 9.30 a.m. my physio, Fiona, walked in etc. It's embarrassingly tedious. I have to get rid of that habit.

16 March 2007

2007-03-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

First update in over a month. I had a really stressful month in February so I didn't get to update the blog for a while. The stress was mainly work related issues. I had another meeting with the occupational physician, Dr Bernedette Trifiletti, orgainised by my case manager, Wendy, in HR. Bernedette (or she preferred to be called Berni) basically told me that I've reached my maximum recovery in 3 years and there is no more recovery. Therefore, it's time to increase my work hours rapidly now - like introducing another full day and try to get me back full time in 4 months.

I don't like doctors much, especially stupid ones like her. For a start, she doesn't know about me to determine whether I've reached my maximum recovery. It maybe true that most people reached their maximum recovery in 2 years but how would she know if I'm one of them. Also, when I discussed this with my private physio, Prema, she said it's possible that in general people reached their maximum recovery in 2 years because they are often discharged after that and there is no more rehab for them and also, there is no study done on whether they work very hard. It's a pity that there is no study done on whether people still improve over 2 years if they work very hard at it.

They planned to increase my hours at a very rapid rate but fortunately my GP, Dr Campisi wasn't prepared to sign that off so they had to modify it and agreed that was too quick. Now, my hours have increased but not as rapid as what they would have liked. I'll be working 2 full days towards the end of April. At least, I bought myaelf a bit more time to do rehab. This 'kick in the butt' has made me extremely nervous but at the same time, it had made me a lot more efficient in many ways. For example, I started to cut down on the number of gym classes I attend and increased the number of sessions of running practice and gait practice. At the end of the day, I don't need to be able to do aerobics or yoga or pilates but I need to be able to run and walk properly. Some classes that I attended in the past are so easy and makes me think ' who am I kidding really?' I don't need quantity, I need quality and intensity.

Neil has been extremely kind and offered to help me again. This time, a bit of moral support with my running practice. Gavin always thinks I don't do enough practice and my excuse has been I don't have a backyard so I have nowhere to practice. He told me I could just go to a park and run there but I have always felt self concious and didn't want to do it by myself. Neil accompanied me to Royal Park and we walked around and found a good secluded spot for my running practice. It's funny because Neil always wears his runners there but he doesn't run and he just watches me running and give me some feedback. I noticed that he is wearing the top range ASICS runners -Kayano but I don't think he is aware of that. I'm more into runners these days because they are the only shoes I wear these days.

I saw my rehab specialist, John Olver, again, a few weeks ago. He didn't have anything constructive to say as usual. I was very tempted to show him my juggling but I was worried that would really make him discharging from the hospital. I didn't mention to him about ballroom dancing either. After all, he was the one who told me I could never dance again because that's asking for 100% recovery. If ballroom dancing is 100% recovery then juggling could be 110% recovery since I didn't juggle before.

I had a chance to talk to Mary Galea again a couple of weeks ago. She is a professor in rehab in the physio department at the university. I asked her if there has been any study done on fatigue and exercise. I told her that all the rehab specialists told me fatigue is a chronic problem and I would never get over it and I would need to learn to manage it. From my experience, I just had to push myself to work really hard to get fit and strong to get over it. She told me there has not been any studies done because there's no funding for it. She said she believes exercise is important because it chages your brain. I also told her that I started dancing again. She was very happy for me and told me I should write a book about it. From being totally disabled in bed to where I am is has been quite a journey. Maybe I will write a book about it one day.

5 February 2007

2007-02-04T21:37:00.000-08:00

First diary entry for February! Lillian turned 3 yesterday. It's scary how fast time flies. She was still a baby when I had my operation and now she is a toddler with lots of personalilties.

I had something to report and that's why I was pretty happy to find out from the gym that they had cancelled the aerobics class this afternoon. The Melourne Uni Sport has this hot weather policy that if the forecast maximum is 35 C or more, the gym classes may be cancelled. I normally hate it when that happens but today, I was so happy to find out that I don't have to go to my usual Tri Atheltic class so I can update my blog.

We went down to the farm for the weekend. On Saturday, we drove down to Shallow Inlet near Wilsons Prom. The weather was just warm enough to walk in the water. Tim, Lillian and I went for a fairly long walk along the beach. I didn't have my ankle brace on and was walking barefeet most of the time. I held on to Tim for balance most of the way because the ground was quite uneven and it was a bit hard for me to keep up the pace with them. I had no idea how long we've been walking until we got back to the car. It was about 2 hours or more. This was probably the first time I walked for that long on the beach without my ankle brace on. I felt a bit self conscious from time to time, especially when we had to walk pass a group of guys sitting by the beach with their fishing reels anckored in the sand waiting for the fish. On our way back, one of them asked Tim ' What's wrong with your wife's leg? It looks very painful'. Tim didn't tell him anything but the guy was so persistent and said ' is it the ankle?'. We told him yes and he said he knows what it's like to have a broken ankle etc because he played footy and had broken many bones before. I guess he was just being friendly but I felt a bit uneasy when strangers approach me and started asking questions. I guess at least he didn't spot that I had brain injuries. It was strange that I didn't think the 2 hour walk was much at all. May be compared to my usual 'workout', it's quite gentle and easy.

Another news to report is that we went on a 10 km bike ride on Sunday. Tim bought a tandem bike and thought it would be good for us to go for a ride sometimes. I think this may be the only way for me to ride a bike since I've never ridden a real bike before and it would be hard for me to learn to balance without falling over. This was the second time we went for a ride. The first time we went was too uncomfortable for me so we didn't go very far. There are no clips on those paddles and my left foot just couldn't stay on. I also found the seat too narrow and bumpy for me. Tim bought some clips and a seat with springs on so when we go through bumpy road I wouldn't feel the impact as much.

The road we rode on was very windy and steep. After last time, I was not really looking forward to the bike ride. Surprisingly, it went really well this time. I was paddling as hard as I could when we were going up the hill. There were times that I felt Tim wasn't paddling much at all... and he said he really felt I was paddling so hard and he asked me whether I was showing off -:) I think this must be what a spinning class is trying to mimic except I don't know how to ride a bike and would not have a clue on how to ride. This felt more like a good cardio workout because I was really puffing when we were paddling uphill. I could really feel my quads working when we were riding but was surprised how quickly my muscles recover. I didn't realise how long we had gone until I looked at the clock. We were gone for at least an hour and half but it felt like just half an hour. I guess I had no idea how much fitter and stronger I am until now. Tim said he was surprised that I didn't whinge at all when we weere going up this very big hill. I told him at the time all I was thinking was this is a good challenge and I was just focusing on how hard I can paddle. The bike ride made me feel less disabled and have achieved something I should be proud of. I don't think I could have done this a year ago though.

On the way home(to Melbourne), I was telling Tim that from my own experience, I have a new theory for neuro rehab. You actually have work so hard to improve your fitness and everything else will follow. I guess Gavin was right all alone. I remeber asking him about what I should do and him telling me that I need to work till I'm absolutely knackered then I'll get better. I didn't appreciate what he meant then but I think I know it now. I think it's so important to improve the fitness level so you have energy to do more and that's the only way to overcome fatigue. Strength training is improtant but without fitness, I don't think you'll get very far. So, my theory of treating someone who is in my old situation - put him/her on a recumbent bike and paddle like crazy. The beauty of the bike is that you can paddle very hard on your good side and just let the weak side to be carried to start with. I wonder why this has not been practised in rehab and it's also not documented anywhere. I haven't spoken to Gavin about this yet but I wonder whether there is any study done on this.

When I went to work this morning, I just couldn't wait to get home to update my blog. I couldn't tell anyone at work about this otherwise they might think I should go back to full time work. Now that I've told all my friends about it, I feel so much better.

I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I have an OT driving assessment tomorrow. I received a letter from VicRoads a few weeks ago requesting that I do another driving test. I'm also nervous about Thursday when I'm scheduled to see this occupational phyisician. In fact, she is going to see me at work and meet with my manager and discuss the long term prospect of me going back to full time work. I'm nervous because I don't know what she is going to suggest. I don't want to increase my hours too quickly but at the same time, I don't want to let go such a cushy position.

30 January 2007

2007-01-30T02:07:00.000-08:00

Fisrt diary entry in over two weeks. Very big news. I've taken the first step in achieving my ultimate goal. Ever since I had the brain surgery and started my journey in rehab, Tim has always reminded me that I want a 100% recovery and we want to get back to ballroom dancing one day. This 'ultimate goal' has upset many rehab specialists, including Fary from MECRS and John Olver from the Epworth. In fact, every time I see John, he will remind me that a 100% recovery is impossible. I never take their words seriously anyway because they always feed their patients with negative prognosis anyway.

I have been going to aerobics classes for a while now and a few months ago, one of Tim's collegue, Jane, gave me a contact and suggest that I try out some dance lessons. Jane is a good ballroom dancer and she told me about this dance teacher, Adam, whom she has spoken to and is happy to take me on as a student. It took me a while to get the courage to call him and arrange for a dance lesson. I know he coaches many top level competion dancers and felt really silly to approach him.

I finally got my act together and contacted him for an appointment. It turned out that he teaches mainly at Granada, a studio in East Malvern. It's really strange to go out there again. That's where I first learnt to dance back in 1995 and it's the place Tim and I met. Going to my lesson was like a walk down memory lane. The plance hasn't changed much in over 10 years. So, I had my first dance lesson last Tuesday. I think the last time I had a dance lesson was back in 1999, before Tim and I got married. I was so excited when I got to my lesson. I told Adam about my drama and that I had to work my butt off to even get to this stage - the first step in achieving my ultimate goal. A goal seems so close yet so far away... I'm not sure if he was ablt to comprehend how far I've come. From not being able to wiggle my toes in the left foot to here, on the dance floor.

He went through Waltz and Slow Rhythm, a simpler form of Slow Fox, with me, in the first lesson. It was kind of strange dance in my runners. I told Adam that I can't wear dance shoes and I have to wear the ankle brace because of the muscle imbalance. I actually went out shopping a few days before but couldn't find anything suitable for dancing. In the end, I decided to wear my gym gear since I'm treating this as rehab, I might as well turn up in my usual rehab gear - gym outfit with runners.

I had another lesson today and we went through Waltz, Slow Rhythm, Quickstep and Cha Cha. I was surprised that many steps seem familiar and came back to me very quickly. I mentioned this to Gavin last week when I went to the running group. I was so excited about my dance lesson so I told him about it. Actually, he was one of the few rehab professionals who never told me that I can never dance again. He said usually if it's someone's strength, you never forget that. For example, some guys there who can't walk but if you give them a football, they still remember how to kick it. When I told Tim about this, he asked me if that's the case, how come I don't remember how to walk again? That's a good question. I don't know the answer to that.

10 January 2007

2007-01-09T20:47:00.000-08:00

First diary entry for the new year. I cannot believe how quickly a year has passed. There have been so many changes over the last year - I have gone back to part time work, I started running, and most noticeable - I have become a gym addict.

I think my addiction was so bad that during the Christmas break I was feeling really anxious and tired. We spent Christmas at my in-laws place up in Canberra like usual. The first couple of days was ok but on the third or forth day, I started to feel really unwell. My whole body just didn't seem to feel right. I had this terrible craving for a good workout, especially a BodyPump session. In the end, I was doing my running practice in the backyard of Helen and Mal's house. They have a large lawn so it was good for my running practice. I know Gavin has been on my case for a while for not doing enough running practice so this provided an excellent opportunity for me to practice.

I went to Taiwan with my parents and Lillian to visit my grandfather during the new year. It was a very short trip. We were only there for 5 days because I had to come back in time to go to work. I found it very challenging to walk around the airport between terminals because those walks are usually pretty long and people are always in a hurry. The last time I had to do this was going to Canberra which must have been more than a year ago. I remember feeling really self concious because the way I walked attracted many rude stares from passerbys. I felt a bit apprehensive about this journey because I don't like to be stared at and this time it's even worse because I'm travelling overseas and there is a lot more walking to do than the domestic terminals. To my surpirse, I coped with the long walks pretty well. I found it hard to keep up the pace from time to time but most of the time I was ok. I don't know if it has anything to do with the fact that I was wearing jeans convering my ankle brace but people hardly looked at me when I was walking. I don't know if it's because I'm less self concious these days since I have been going to gym and classes for a while or that my walking has improved so much that it's not as obvious as it was a year ago.

I was feeling very apprehensive about people's reaction to my walking since we were staying at at a 5 star hotel. I was worried that people would be very snobbish and would give me the rude stares I had to put up with before. To my surprise, nobody seemed to take much notice. At least, I didn't notice anybody staring at my walking.

I think it's quite amazing to see the difference in a year's time. I don't think I was able to travel like this last year. My walking was not as fast last year.

There is a gym at the hotel so I was able to go to the gym every day. My usual routine when I was there was getting up early in the morning, having a nice buffet breakfast and then 2 hours of gym session. There are not as many equipment at the gym as the Melbourne Uni gym so I had to use the dumb bells to do many of the exercises. It was a good way to get me used to use the dumb bells. Just before the Christmas break, Alex, the BodyPump instructor, suggested that I use dumb bells in the class instead of barbells. He thinks dumb bells are better for me because my weak side is forced to work instead of being carried by my stronger side.

I think the running practice I did over the Christmas period has paid off. I went to the running group today and Gavin was very pleased to see my improvement. He thought it was a major break through. He thought I was running much faster and better and has given me harder exercises to do today. He told me that I no longer need to see him every week. Instead, he wants to reduce my sessions to once every fortnight. I don't know if it has anything to do with him officially becoming half time at the hospital from next month. I gather he will need to offload a lot more patients. In any case, I don't mind it much because I'm trying to find some time to check out a pilates studio and also maybe some dance lessons.

22 December 2006

2006-12-21T22:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd better update the diary before Christmas, otherwise I'll probably never get around to do it.

I have been home with Lillian all day. The childcare finished yesterday but Tim is still working today. The gym closed from last night as well so I didn't have to get up especially early this morning.

I think my brain is having a pretty good run this week. On Monday, for the first time, I could do a full cycle of scarf juggling. I have been learning this for months from Kate and have been feeling a bit frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere. For some reason, it suddenly became easier on Monday when I was practising before my juggling lesson with Kate. She was very impressed with the sudden progress. I didn't have the heart to tell her that 'actually, it was sort of the last minute practice before our lesson'. I found it strange that sometimes I could practise for hours during the week and not getting anywhere but suddenly made a big progress in 5 minutes of practice.

My running is getting better all of a sudden as well. I have been a bit frustrated with my running for a while now. I know I should practise more because Gavin is always on my case for not having more practise sessions before I see him. My answer to him is that I can't find an open space to run because I haven't got a lawn at home. He told me I could just go to a park and run but my excuse for not being able to do that is because there are too many people at the park and I feel too self conscious when there are other people around. I know these are really pathetic reasons and I will definitely try to do more running practice in the new year. I did try to go to a small park near our house with Tim a few weeks ago but there were many dogs droppings so I had to keep stopping to avoid stepping on them.

I went to the running group at Epworth on Wednesday. To my surprise, there were so many people turned up on that day. I felt a bit self conscious because they were all running much better than I do, given that their injuries seem more severe that many cannot speak very well and need to have carerer with them, I felt a bit embarrassed. To my surprise, I was running better after a while. It was the first time I felt the push off in my left calf and I was landing on my toes. Even Gavin was saying it looked a lot more automatic. I wonder if it had anything to do with my big workout at the gym that morning and the day before. I had a 2 1/2 hours workout that morning. I think it may have just warmed up all my leg muscles.

The gym classes have finished last week so I could only go to the gym this week. Normally, Tuesdays are my biggest workout day. I would go to BodyPump at 7.30 a.m., gym at 8.30 a.m and then go home have a quick shower and have a quick bite and go to Cardio Box at 12 pm and Fitball class at 1 pm and then go home for physio with Prema at 2.30 pm and then quickly whip up some dinner and go to BodyBalance at 5.45 pm. I know it sounds crazy because how is it possible to attend so many sessions in a day. I think it was eaiser for me when I increased the number of sessions gradually. I didn;t discover BodyBalance and Fitball classes until the second half of the year so it gave me a bit more time to increase the sessions over time.

I think I have to admit that I'm a real addict. Since there were no classes this week, I went to the gym as usual on Tuesday morning. I thought since I didn't have to rush off to the classes, I could just take my time with the workout. I did almost an hour of cardio exercises and then my usual gym program. To finish off, I thought I'd better go through the exercises they do in BodyPump but just using the dumb bells instead of barbells. After a few sets, I still didn't feel I worked enough and I was thinking may be I should do the whole thing (including cardio exercises) all over again until I looked at the time. I got there at 8.30 a.m. but when I looked at the time, it was 11.30 a.m. I couldn't believe I was there for 3 hours. I had to drag myself out of there or I might feel really sorry the next day or 2. When I told Tim about this, he just laughed and said ' you are a total addict!'.

8 December 2006

2006-12-07T19:27:00.000-08:00

Well over a month since my last diary entry. I have been so busy and could hardly find time to update the blog lately. It's mainly due to my very busy schedule - apart from working at the office 10 hours a week, I also fit in at least 12 sessions of gym and classes a week and 3 to 4 hours of physio. I have very little 'slack' time if you count all that plus my weekly household chores.

I think I'm still making improvement. I saw the rehab specialist, John Olver, last week and even he noticed that I walk a lot faster since he last saw me about 10 - 12 weeks ago. I know sometimes I get a bit depressed because I feel that rehab is such a slow process and I'm not getting better. I was going through my exercise book the other day and I'm glad I have kept detailed record of my gym sessions and classes because I can look back and see what I was doing. I noticed one big difference in the strength of my legs. Back in January this year, I started with 10 kilos on the 45 degree leg press and now I'm up to 55 kilos. That's 5 times more just less than a year ago.

Last week, Alex, the BodyPump instructor, started playing some of the old release. There is a new release every 3 months but instructors tend to play some of the old ones after a while otherwise people get a bit bored doing the same thing for 3 months. He was playing BodyPump 57 last week and that was the one I started with back in Feburay/March this year. I found this especially interesting because it brought back so much memory. I remember I had a lot of trouble with him at the start because he thought the class wa not suitable for me because it's too hard for me and I might injure myself. I remember I had to ask Gavin to bail me out. 10 months later, I'm still in the class but so much stronger than before. I have quadurpled the weight in the squats track and tripled the weight in the chest and back tracks. Still, I don't find it as hard as when I first started.

One thing I have to mention is that there is somthing that we do in the BodyBalance class that is so funny. I guess funny is really not the word but this is a move in the Tai Chi part of the class that requires bringing the back of your hands together. The reason I mention thisa is because a long way back when Neil and Rosemary were haelping me with my upper limb exercises, they made up all sort of exercises for me. One of the exercises Neil invented was to bring the back of hands together. I couldn't do it back then due to problem with my left shoulder. I remember asking Neil 'why on earth do you need to do that for?' "when do you ever need to put the backs of your hands together?" Obviously, Neil knew that I would need it for the BodyBalance class!

I had an appointment with the occupational physician on Monday morning. I was really nervous about the appointment because I don't know what she'd recommend this time. I thought she would want to increase my hours and this time, I really can't say I'm so tired or I may not have a job to go back to. To my surprise, she thought I was doing well but because I have been doing training and not real work over the last 3 months, it's not indicative how well I'll cope with realistice workload so she recommended that my hours stay the same but that my manager should give me more complex work to see how I cope. I think my prayer has been answered because I have bought myself more time. She set another appointment for me in early February and until then, my hours will stay the same. This is such a relief for me because it means I'll have more time for rehab and exercises.

26 October 2006

2006-10-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated my blog for a while. It's mainly because I have been feeling quite depressed lately. Just last week I suddenly found that the old feeling of ' I don't want to be alive anymore' has come back again. I haven't felt like that for quite a while now. Not since I have become a gym junkie. I'm still busy with lots of gym sessions and classes but I think the fact that Gavin really irritates me these days doesn't help in my rehab.

I used to think he is great but now when I go to physio I feel that he just neglects me and pay far more attention to other patients. I hate it when he is starting to sound like John Olver and other rehab specialists as well. Last week, he told me that he doesn't think I'll ever be able to skip. Not that I care very much whether I can skip or not because how often do you need to skip in every day life? I can't stand the negative prognosis. To make the matter worse, he implied that my progress has plateaued (I think he meant running) and he told me that sometimes I just need to do something different to make a change. He told me about some guy whose running has plateaued until he got a dog and he startyed taking the dog for a run and his suddenly improved. I felt like telling him where to go because I don't think my running has plateaued, it's just that he spent far more time with his other patient, Chris and didn't really care how I ran. In fact, when I went to physio yesterday, Chris was there from 1 pm. He had physio from 1 to 2 with his arm and from 2 to 3 he was in the running group. He was still there when I left. Gavin didn't spend any time look at my running. He just left me with another physio or exercise physiologist, Jacquline. In a way, I think it's better because I had an hour of one on one session with her and for the first time, I can actually run in a straight line. I have never been able to run in a straight line before and Gavin was always saying that I have perceptual spatial problem etc. heard them talking about me and I think Gavin said something about my problem being quite severe but I couldn't hear all the details. I was a bit upset at first when Gavin spent the whole hour with other patients but then I remember what Neil told me a while ago when I was upset that one day I spent the whole hour on my own in the running group because Gavin was away and Chris, the exercise physiologist had taken everyone else to the oval and because I can't run outdoors I was left on my own. I spent the whole hour running on my own without any coaching and my running really improved since then. I complained to Neil that I had such a bad day in rehab and he told me that I should just focus on my progress. When I was upset yesterday that Gavin spent the whole hour looking at other patients' running I thought abo confronting him and just give him a piece of my mind but then I remembered what Neil said ' just focus on the progress' and I followed his advice. I think it was good that Jacqueline spent the whole hour with me helping me with running because I would not have made such progress otherwise. Gavin will be away for the next two weeks so I will see Jacqueline instead. I think it's good to have a change.

I now feel that maybe rehab is a bit like working in accounting firms - same shit, differenyt bucket. I used to think that maybe I would have made more progress if I had gone to Epworth in the first place but now I think I would probably just be the same if not worse. In fact, I suspect I might even be worse because I don't think I would have a functional left arm judging by what other patients are like there. I think Neil and Rosemary make much better therapists compare to the rehab experts. I also mentioned to Tim that I used to think Fary, the rehab specialist at MECRS, was bad but I think John is just as bad. They are both pessimistic but the difference is Fary at least wants to be liked so she tends to be nice to people. John, on the other hand, doesn't give a damn about how other people think of him so he can be a real dickhead sometimes.

Another reason for me to update the blog is due to something really funny happened yesterday and I must mention it. I almost killed someone at the gym yesterday. I was in the middle of doing some exercise with Unna and then she left me there to do something on my own while she had to go to the office for something. There I was in the heavy weight area using a weight bench for my exercise when a guy came over and asked me to be his spotter. I wasn't sure what a spotter is for so I asked him what does he want me to do. He told me just 'spot' for him. I told him I don't know how so he told me I just need to watch him. I thought, 'ok, I guess I can just watch him'. I went over to his bench, he was doing bench press with 40 kg plates plus the bar - all together probably about 60 kg. I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do so I just stood there and watched him like he asked me to. He looked pretty tired by the end of the first set and couldn't put the bar back on the rack and he was looking at me for help... I thought ' you've got to be kidding me... what do you expect me to do... I couldn't possibly lift up 60 kg of weight'. His face turned red and was really struggling... I thought about just walk away and get back to my exercises when Unna returned and saved him.

6 October 2006

2006-10-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

First dairy entry in about a month. I must admit that I feel a little bit depressed about my progress (or should I say 'regress'). I had a chest infection last month when Tim was away in the U.S. and the doctor prescribed me some antibiotics. I haven't felt quite the same ever since then. I don't know if antibiotics would have such effects on people but somehow I feel quite weak ever since then. I know my walking has certainly regressed - somehow I have less control over my left knee and the hip. I haven't had knee hyperextension problem for a long time but now it has started again. I found myself staggering when I tried to walk in a fast pace to go to the gym in the mornings. I don't think it's just my imagination because both Prema and Judy have noticed that, too. Judy thinks I look a lot stiffer when I walk and Prema thinks my movement seem a bit jerky but they don't know what triggered the change. I guess one thing I have done differently is that I have stopped going to aerobics classes. All the BodyStep classes seem to become extremely popular about 6 weeks ago and all the classes are full. I found my ankle tend to invert a lot more when there are too many people around me and the sound of them going up and down the steps always trigger the inversion. The last time I was there, the inversion was so bad and I had to hold on to the wall for balance. I left the room as soon as there was a chance for me to do so and have not been back since. In a way, I'm very resentful because the class is full of Asian girls. Not that there is anything wrong with it but I can just tell that they are not serious fitness people and they choose to go to BodyStep because it's a bit like going dancing and it's fun to do that. I think most of them are just too lazy to go to the gym and BodyStep is the only exercise they do. I can see that most of them don't even work very hard when they are in the class. I guess I'm just having a big whinge because I think I need the class a lot more than they do but because they just mob all the classes so I don't get an opportunity to go.

Another thing I find EXTREMELY annoying is Gavin. I know I always rave about him in the past but somehow I think he may have gone past the 'use by date' in terms of my rehab. When I complained to him about my ankle inversion has gotten worse in aerobics and my walking has gotten worse as well, he introduced me to meet Steve, an orthotist who often visits his patients at the hospital. Steve got me to try on an Ankle Foot Orthosis (AFO) which Gavim said should help me with my walking and also to stop the inversion. I tried it on but couldn't feel any immediate improvement in my walking. The AFO looks so ugly and goes right up to my shin so if I were to wear it to the aerobics class, people would definitely be staring at me. When I found out that it costs $700 or $800, I thought 'you must be kidding me'. They told me it's made of something carbon(can't remember the name) so it's ultra light. In any case, I don't think I would spend that amount of money on something which I can't really feel the benefit. Gavin told me he's not pushing me to buy it but just to get me to try it on and see because some other patients of his wears them and found them quite good. I told him maybe I'll think about it in winter but with summer coming up, I don't think I would want to wear something like that. He got me to try a different type of ankle brace which he said it's similar to taping the ankle. It's an ankle brace that you need to lace up like a boot. I have been wearing that for a couple of weeks now but haven't actually tried it for running. When Gavin asked me to put it on for running on Wednesday, I asked him if I'm taking a step back because previously I didn't need it for running but now I do. He said it's better for me to wear it until I can run properly and then wean off the brace. I wonder why he only suggested this now - almost 18 months later. Before I could run, Judy has always wondered why couldn't I wear my ankle brace and learn to run with it. We both thought maybe it's because it uses different muscles so if I learn to run with the brace I won't be able to run without it. I guess I'm just annoyed that it took me so long to be able to run and I'm not progressing as fast as some of the other guys there. I have been going to the running group for a while now and there is this young guy, Chris, also a patient of Gavin's, in the group I'm in. There are a few of us in this group and we always stay indoors for running pracice while others jump on a bus and head for the oval. We are not ready for outdoor running yet - so we were told. I have been quite annoyed by Chris for a while now because he is sooooooo pesky. He requires Gavin's undivided attention every time he runs. He would not run unless Gavin is watching and he wants feed back after each run. It's really tiring to be in the same group with him because when he gets more attention, others get less - and I'm the one who gets less attention. I don't want to be petty but somehow I feel that Chris is improving fast at my expense. What really upset me was when Gavin mentioned to me on Wednesday that he'll need to look at my plan for the next 3 to 6 months and maybe I need to have another assessment to see if my progress has plateaued. He should never mention that word because I get really mad when I hear it. I almost used the f word on him when I heard that. I don't think my progress has plateaued at all because I'm cobstantly learning new things and found that sometimes I can't do something in one class but suddenly am able to do it in the next class. If my progress has plateaued, this wouldn't have happened.

O.K. I'm just having a big whinge but I'm starting to have my doubts on Gavin. I think he treats too many patients at once and he probably don't remember all the details. Recent program on the Health Report (ABC Radio National)stated that 'only one in two patients receives the healthcare they should receive according to evidence' makes me doubt Gavin and I'm just worried that I'm not getting the best treatment I could possibly have and I may not reach my full potential. Judy thinks I should ask him about how much more improvement does he think I will have. I don't think that's a good idea because I think that's a bit too provocative. He will probably start to sound like John Olver and start to give me a totally negative prognosis. I guess I'm just a bit fade up with all the rehab professionals and I don't really trust them.

I haven't mentioned this but last Wednesday there was a bit of drama at the gym. I went to the gym after my Pilates class and just as I was finishing my exercise on the elliptical, the fire alarm went off. I looked around and nobody seem to worry about it and just carried on with their workout. I thought ok, maybe it's just a drill and continued on with my exercise until a gym staff told everyone to get out. Everyone just bolted towards their bags and then got out. The staff told everyone to leave their bags and just get out but nobody listened, including me. I guess if the building gets burnt down, I'll still need my key to get in the house. I was the last one to get out. It just made me realise that I really need to take running more seriously. I need to be able to run spontaneously because in situations like that, I won't have time to warm up on the trampolilne first and then run.

12 September 2006

2006-08-30T23:43:00.000-07:00

First update in over a month. I had no idea that I haven't updated my diary for so long until I looked up when was my last diary entry. I guess I have been EXTREMELY busy with rehab and also work. Three or four weeks ago I had about 20 hours of training - including physio sessions at Epworth. I was completetly wracked by the end of the week. In fact, I was so tired that I fell over when I was trying to put a 20kg plate on the leg press at the gym and twisted my ankle.

I have always found it hard to lift up the 20kg plate and put it on the machine on my own until a few weeks ago. I think my wrists are getting stronger from boxing so I started to manage putting those big plates on the machine on my own a few weeks ago. I think I over estimated myself on that day. I managed to put one 20kg plate on one side but when I was trying to put another 20kg plate on the other side, my wrist gave in and I just couldn't hold it. It was very close - only about 1/2 inch away. I decided to drop the plate to the floor and tried another plate. I can't pick it up once it's on the floor because I had to bend over and lift it which is a lot harder to do than lifting it off the weight rack. I tried another one and another one... Finally, I tried the last one on the rack but I think I tried too hard and my ankle started inverting and I lost my balance and fell over. I still had the 20kg plate in my arms when I fell. I was totally embarrassed since the gym was quite crowded. I was lucky that the plate didn't land on top of me. I got up andleft the plate lying on the floor. To my surprise, nobody seemed to have noticed. I looked around and nobody stopped to look and nobody came over to see if I was ok. I think maybe people didn't want to embarrass me. A gym staff came over later to see if I was ok. I think he must have seen it from the monitor.

I didn't realise the fall actually twisted my ankle until I was walking home. My foot was really hurting. Every step I took caused pain. Fortunately, I had an appointment with Gavin on that day so he could have a look at my ankle. When I got to physio at Epworth, I told Gavin I had a little accident and asked him to check my ankle for me. He looked at it and said there was no swelling and I just strained the muscle a bit and there is no real damage done. He said if I was a footballer, the coach would have told me to continue playing because there is not much damage done.

One thing I forgot to mention previously is that I think my interests have changed since the operation. The people I used to get along well seem like different people now. I notice this more recently that sometimes I feel I have nothing in common with my friends at work. There is a group of us and we always have lunch together. They visited me almost every week when I was in hospital. I think we used to have so much to talk about but now I just feel the things they're interested in don't interest me anymore. I think I have also lost interests in fashion. I guess it's quite easy when you can only wear runners. There is no hassel to think about matching shoes and handbags. I find it quite funny when people tell me that forgot their ID or walltes etc because they change their handbags to match their shoes. Well, I guess I don't have that problem anymore. I often reflect on this on my way to physio at Epworth. The hospital is right in the centre of Bridge Road - a place full of fashion factory outlets and boutiques. I think in the past, I probably wouldn't have made it to my appointment because I'd be so distracted by all the shops. Now I can drive pass the shops and wouldn't even blink.

Another thing to update on is I have been getting a lot of help from Unna, a girl who works at the gym that I go to. She used to be an exercise physiologist working in rehab so she had some experience with people like me. She found out about me through Erica, the Cardio Box instructor on Saturday. She and Erica used to work together and apparently Erica told her about me. She approached me at the gym one day. At first, I thought she was just another annoying person who wanted to use the elliptical machine I was on but later found out that she actually works there. She told me maybe there are some exercises she can show me just to compliment my current gym program. I took up the offer and have been seeing her for a few weeks now. It is very nice of her to help me given her background in neuro rehab at Caulfiled Medical Centre.

I have to apologise to my readers that this diary entry seems a bit patchy. I first started wrting it on 26 August but never got around to finish until now. Tim has gone to the U.S. for 10 days and Lillian is at my parents' place. I suddenly seem to have a lot more time. Also, I normally see Prema around now but today she cancelled our appointment because she is sick. I thought I'd better use this block of time to pudate my diary or else I'll never get it done.

I had an appointment with my rehab specialist, John Olver, last Wednesday. Gavin is still away in Europe but he has arranged for me to go to the running group on Wednesdays. It works out better for me to go to physio or running group first before I see John because the hospital charges my private health insurance but pays for my parking at the hospital carpark. Otherwise, parking is a real headache in that area. I told John that I was a bit concerned that the occupational physician thought I may never be able to return to full time work because of fatique issues. I told him that it's ok to work part time for now because I get time to do my rehab (I was tempted to mention my 'addictions' as well but thought it'd be unwise to tell him) but eventually I'd like to go back to full time. He basically started the negative prognosis again and told me that the brain damage is permanent and irreversable so he didn't think I'll ever overcome the fique problem to work full time again. Or, if I can manage working full time, I'd be so tired after work and I wouldn't be able to enjoy family life. The second point may be valid but the fatique comment is totally bullshit. I didn't want to argue with him because I still need him to advocate for me. I want to be able to delay increasing my working hours as long as possible so I can concentrate on my rehab. I'm really upset about the fatique issue because this is exactly what I feel about how the specialists don't tell their patients about - that they can overcome fatique but they will have to work their butt off to improve their fitness level to achieve that. All they tell you is 'you can never do ...etc' which is quite flawed. I hate to think how many people actually believed that and didn't bother working hard and it really became self fufilling prophecy. He also told me that many people who have ABI can never run and you can only tell them that they(the doctors) can help them walk better but they will never run. I was schocked to hear that but he said again that many of them just can never run. He added ' although, Gavin doesn't think that some of them can't run.. he thinks that they all can run...'. I'm glad that Gavin is not as negative because can you imagine how many patients would suffer if he is as negative as the doctors. I think with him, it's usually the opposite. He won't allow his patients saying ' I can't' do something. Every time he asked me to do something and if I said I can't, I'd get into trouble. He told me I should say ' I find that challenging' but I'm not allowed to say ' I can't'. There was a stage that he said every time I say 'I can't' I'll have to buy him a Freddo Frog. I don't think I say that anymore or even think that way ever since I found my new 'addiction'. Compared with the things I do in the group fitness classes, the stuff I do in physio seems a lot easier. Also, I actually enjoy being challenged these days. I think my new found 'addiction' has also made me tougher. Tim thinks so, too.

I wonder if there is any research done on brain injuries and fatique. Doctors always think fatique is a chronic problem for people who have had brain injuries but from my personal experience I found that my endurance improves as my fitness improves and fatique semms less of an issue now. Tuesdays are usually my hardest working day - I go to BodyPump class first thing in the morning and then gym session after the class and then I'd go home for a quick shower and lunch and then back to Cardio Box and then Fitball class. I usually see Prema after the Fitball class and then back to the sports centre for BodyBalance class. This means between 6 to 8 hours of training on this day. I found it extremely hard when I first started doing this but now I think I'm more used to it. I said to Tim many times that sometimes I dread Tuesdays more than I dread going to work because compare to what I do on Tuesdays, work is actually quite easy.

I remember asking Gavin last June or July on what do I need to do to get better. I remember him telling me that I'll need to work at the gym very hard until I'm absoultely knackered then I'll get better. I didn't really understand what he meant back then but I think now I start to appreciate that. Basically, you need to work yourself to the ground and as your fitness level improves it takes a lot more to work yourself to the ground so you will need to increase the intensity more.

From this Thursday, I'll have to work at the office. I have been working on Thursdays from home but the occupational physician said I should start to work at the office and also gradually increasing the hours on Thursdays to 5 hours. I think I should be able to handle that. It's just a bit of hassel to rearrange my massage appointments with Judy since she has been doing home visits until now. I guess I shouldn't complain because I have had it pretty good on Thursdays. I would go to the gym and class first before coming home and logging on and work from home for a few hours.

10 August 2006

2006-08-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment with Bernadette,the occupational physician yesterday morning. I have been feeling really anxious about this meeting for weeks and as the time got closer, I was getting more and more anxious. I woke up at around 4 am yestderday morning and just couldn't sleep. I know my work hours will definitely change but I just don't know how much change there will be.

I got up at 5.30 a.m., went to the gym at 6.30 a.m. and then my usual pilates class at 7.30 a.m. I was trying to do as much exercise as possible and hopeing that exercises will block my worries for a while.

I decided to dress up a bit so even though I have to wear runners, at least I look professional when people don't look down at my feet. I know the occupational physician commented in my report last time describing me as 'neat looking'. I guess presentation is important in this kind of meetings. I packed my lunch and some gym clothes for physio as well because I didn't know how long this would take and I had to go to Epworth for physio by 1.30 p.m.

This time, she didn't keep me waiting for too long like last time. I was surprised to find that John Olver, the rehab specialist from Epworth actually replied to her queries. Gavin told me John wouldn't write a report without asking him first but I guess he is wrong this time. I don't know what he wrote but I thought it's a bit inappropriate for me to ask to see the letter.

She asked me how have I been at work and how do I feel about my work hours. I couldn't tell her I'm still tired or I think it will really jepordise my postition at work so I told her I found it's good to have a routine and I'm getting more used to it now so I'm coping better. She pointed out that I work 4 to 5 hours at the office on Mondays and 2 to 3 hours at home on Thursdays. I told her that's right but I have been pushing myself to work 5 hours on Mondays and 3 hours on Thursdays because there is no point in going backwards. She said she knows I'm always trying to be an achiever. I don't know whether I was setting the right tone there but I thought it's probably better to project the image that I'm trying to work more hours. I told her that my goal is to get back to full time work eventually. She said based on the prognosis, it's most unlikely that I will be able to do that because of fatique. I told her prognosis is only based on statistics but everyone is different so it may not be true. I also told her that based on my own rehab experience, initially, they told me I may never be able to walk again or lift my left arm above my head but that has been proven wrong. It all depends on how hard you work. I don't think she likes that at all. Being a doctor, I guess she likes to tell people that the prognosis are always based on their 'expert experience' and therefore, they are never wrong. I really hated it when she kept saying most of the recoveries happen withinthe first 2 years and I have already past the 2 years mark so it's unlikely there will be significant recovery. There was no point in upsetting her or arguing with her because my aim is to delay working more hours as long as I can so I can have time to do my rehab. Isnt' it so wrong for the doctors to think that no significant recovery can occur after 2 years? I think I'm improving all the time and I know Gavin doesn't believe in that theory either.

She asked me how did I find the 5 hours work on Mondays. I told her I'm coping ok with that. She then asked me what do I normally do after work when I get home. I didn't want to tell her my normal routine when I get home on Monday is to prepare a 3 course meal and then go to 2 aerobics classes and be back in time to watch 'Desparate Housewives'. I told her I normally have a bit of rest and then I'd do chores. She asked me what kind of chores. I told her ' oh, just preparing some simple dinner'. I can never tell her what I really do on the Mondays such as getting up at 5.30 a.m. and go to the gym before I go to work and when I come home, I would spend a few hours preparing dinner before going to my classes.

She told me I will have to work at the office on Thursdays. I knew this was going to happen anyway but I was trying to pick a different day so I can keep Thursdays to see my massage therapist, Judy. It's going to be hard without my weekly massage. Unfortunately, it's really not up to me. I told her I might work on Tuesdays but based on her 'expert' opinion, I should stick to the Thursdays. She suggested that I work 4 hours at the office on Thursdays but I mangaged to pursuade her that I should start from 2 hours for a few weeks first. I'm not even sure if she will definitely recommend this in her report or will she stick to her original suggestion. I have to see her report to be sure. When I saw her last time, she said she was goint to suggest that I should be able to start work later to avoid peak hour traffic but the dumb bitch (excuse my language) didn't and she commented that I was very vague with certain dates. I'm upset because I don't think I was vague at all and it's just that she had to aplly her 'expert''common' knowledge that my memory was affected by the brain injury. I have decided that I really hate doctor - most doctors at least. Neurosurgeons are ok. They are not as dumb as the rehab specialists or occupational physicians.
Anyway, enough complaints. I was told that I will go back to see her again in November.

When I told Gavin about the news, he thought it's good news if she thinks I may never go back full time. He thought if that's the case then the pressure is off me. I was quite upset and told him off. I guess I have always been ambitious so the thought of not working full time sort of upset me. I know I'm the sort of person that always want my cake and eat it too.

I have to mentin it in the blog because every time I see many patients at Epworth, it just makes me realise that I'm so lucky that my arm doesn't look like theirs. I'm really very very grateful for Neil's and Rosemary's help. I think it's a shame that arms are often neglected in rehab.

I went to a Fitball class this morning. I met the instructor many weeks ago in Cardio Box class. She asked me what happened to my foot when she saw me wearing an ankle brace. I told her I had a stroke. I found out that she teaches Tai Box and fitball. She suggested that I try out the fitball class and knowing that I have to go to the office on Thursdays in future, I thought I should at least try it out when I still can. I must say it's one of the hardest classes I have ever been. After that embarrassing incient in Pilates class, I have been keeping away from those fitballs. This is the first time I tried since that day. I still had a lot of difficultiles staying balanced on the ball on my stomach but at least this time I didn't bounce off the ball.

I love going to different classes because I'm acquiring new skills all the time. Another thing that Bernadette mentioned is that I may find it difficult to learn new things.I suspect she is referring to my mental capacity but I know with pysical activities it may take me longer to learn than normal people but I know I can improve.

4 August 2006

2006-08-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

I went to Epworth for physio this morning. I decided to write up another blog because I was able to clarify some queries I had with Gavin.

I always wonder why I find walking continuously at a certain speed very hard. I told Gavin that one day on my way to the gym I was trying to follow a girl in front of me walking. She was walking at a constant pace and I thought if I can just keep up with her, it's porbably a bit like walking on the treadmill and it may be a good practice for me. I started about 5 metres behind her but after a while I just couldn't keep up. I'm sure she was walking at a constant pace but I just couldn't keep up walking at that pace and eventually she was further and further away ahead of me. I asked Gavin why that's the case. Why is it that I can't keep up. He told me it's to do with endurance and it's the same why some guys can't go running outdoors because they don't have the endurance yet. I asked him how to build up the endurance and he told me everything that I do in physio will help. And also things like elliptical and step machine at the gym. I guess I just need to do a lot more of those at the gym then.

Another question I had was whether in rehab it's harder to treat lower limbs than upper limbs. I told him that I didn't have much formal treatment with my upper limb but it seems to me that my upper limb is recovering quite well comparing to the leg. He said no, it's usually the opposite. He said often it's much harder to treat the arm than the leg and I'm lucky that my arm is not severely affected like my leg. I didn't want to argue with him but I didn't think you can be affected differently in the leg and the arm if you have dense hemiplegia. I suspect the difference was I had early intervention on the arm with repetitive practice - thanks to the help of Neil and Rosemary. The leg was being treated when I was at MECRS but the intensity was not nearly enough and there was no strength training introduced at all so I'm still paying the price of large muscle groups severely weakened by the paralysis. I think Mary Galea is absoultely right in saying that the arms are often neglected in rehab. I didn't have much of treatment in the arm when I was at MECRS. They spent all the time on the leg. I guess that's the quickest way of getting the patients out of the hospital. I'm still upset by the fact that they wouldn't let me walk around ward even the day before I was discharged because they were worried that I might fall over. I guess their mentality is as long as i don't fall over at the hospital, it's not their problem. It's ok for patients to fall at home or anywhere else but the hospital.

I had often wondered if I would have recovered better had I gone to a private hospital like Epworth in the first place. I think Gavin is an excellent physio who has a very positive attitude. However, when I looked at most of his other patients, I think I might have the best of both public and private system. I think it's possible that I would have recovered better in my walking and running if I were there from day 1 but definitely not with the arm though. The rehab system is a bit strange because upper limb is often classified as belonging to the OT department and not really in the area of physio. Maybe that's why it's often neglected in rehab.

I remember when I first met Mary Galea at my local church, she mentioned to Tim that they want to do another research on whether early treatment is crucial or the timing of treatment doesn't matter. I see her at the church sometimes and I'm always very tempted to tell her that from my own experience I think the timing of treatment is crucial because when I look at many guys in the running group that they can all run faster and better than I do but their affected arms all look a bit funny.

3 August 2006

2006-08-03T00:03:00.000-07:00

It's a terrible feeling to count down the number of days before my appointment with the occupational physician next Wednesday. I'm really nervous about seeing her because I know this time I cannot say that I'm really fatiqued that I can't increase my work hours or I'll really be in trouble. I think because I know I don't have all that much time left to do my rehab, I'm working harder than ever.

It's really dangerous to get the 'can't be bothers'. I missed out the aerobics class once because I had to see Judy, the massage therapist, at her clinic. Ever since then, I have been missing the classes every Monday night. I knew this was goingf to happen that's why I have treated these classes like appointments or real classes/lectures so i don't miss them. Once you miss a session, it's so easy just to miss them all. After all, it takes a lot of discipline to attend them consistently.

Last Tuesday, I had to walk back and forth between gym and home 4 times so this time I was better prepared. I brought my towels for the shower and even packed a sandwich for lunch. I went to BodyPump class at 7.30 am and then went straight to the gym for a couple of hours. I had a shower at the changeroom after gym. It was the first time I had a shower there. I normally go home for shower since we live only 10 minutes away from the gym. I have to admit that I took the easy way out by using the disabled bathroom. It's like a mini bathroom on its own - with toilet and shower and a bench. I guess I could use the normal shower but it just means I would have to leave my clothes and shoes outside and then I will have to walk from the shower to the bench barefeet. I sometimes wonder if there are actually any really disabled people using the bathroom there because I found the cord was too short and if the person was in wheekchair, she wouldn't be able to take a proper shower anyway. It makes you wonder whether the disabled facilities were designed in consultation with OTs.

After having a shower, I still had plenty of time before the cardio box class. I was able to have a little break and have some lunch before the class. I think it was good that I did the boxing short course because I think I'm getting a better workout when I have better technique. Now, I feel that even though I don't jog or hop around in the class, I can still get a good cardio workout by just punching the bags really hard and move around a bit.

I had to rush back home right after the class for my appointment with Prema. When I got home, she was already waiting outside. My appointment with her was 1.15 pm but my class finished at about 1.05 pm. I knew she only just got there because I was walking behind her except I was too far away to catch up.

I went back to the gym for the BodyBalance class in the evening. That concluded my 3 classes, 1 gym session and 1 physio session for the day. I was exhausted by the end of it but I felt it was necessary since I won't have much time for it once my work hours increase again.

I have noticed that as I'm getting stronger and better physically, I tend to forget how bad I was and have become less sympathetic of peopole in my situation. I know it's very bad of me to do that. That's the reason why I feel I should mention it in the blog so I don't ever forget where I came from. When I went to physio yeasterday afternoon, I was glad to see that Gavin's face was a bit better. The scars were hardly visible. I didn't really look whether he had his teeth fixed just in case if he didn't I might start laughing again. When he was taping my ankle, he was tellingt another guy to do some pushups. That guy hesitated and asked if it's ok to do pushups on his knees. Gavin said ' yes, ok. but you have to put the dess on'. The guy didn't know what he was talking about and just grabbed something from the physio bed and asked if that's it. Gavin said ' no, the dress... if you want to do girls pushups, you've got to put the dress on...'. I cracked up laughing. I thought it's so funny but that guy was very embarrassed. I feel a bit guilty to laugh at someone like that. But I guess at least I wasn't the one who made those comments.

28 July 2006

2006-07-27T20:36:00.000-07:00

This must be the first time in a while that I post two blogs in a row!

I went to Epworth for physio this morning. I wasn't sure whether Gavin was going to be there given that he was sick on Wednesday. I didn't hear from the receptionist before I left the house so he must be in today. When I walked in the physio treatment room, Gavin was there treating another patient. I thought I saw some scar on his nose but didn't take much notice and just set up a trampoline and started my warmup as usual. It's not until he walked closer I realised that the scar wasn't just on his nose, there were few others on his face as well. I asked him what happened. He told me he passed out and fell on his face and broke his teeth as well. At first, I thought he was only joking. But when I looked more closely, I noticed that his teeth were chipped. I couldn't stop laughing because he just looked so funny. Every time I looked at him, I just had this uncontrollable laugh - something I had at MECRS at one stage. I think Rosemary would probably remember that. I felt so horrible that he had a misfortune and there I was, laughing my head off. In the end, I had to take off my glasses so I couldn't see him so I could stop laughing.

I had my ankle taped again today so I can do some practice in hoping sideways. It's a bit hard to expain what it looks like but it's something that I need to be able to do if I want to do BodyStep properly. It looks a bit like side steps performed on a step with only one foot on the step. If I start with my right foot up on the step, then I need to step/hop my left foot up on the step and bring the right foot down the step sideways. When I showed him the BodyStep DVD last week, he taped my ankle and asked me to practice hopping sideways. Today, he said he'd add a step so I'd need to hop up and down the step. When he was taping my ankle, I explained to him that one of the deficits I still have since my surgery is that I cannot control my emotions and subtleness has never been my forte. I was trying to justify why I laughed at his misfortune. I feel guilty and a bit embarrassed that I laughed at him like that. I was so rude. I'm glad I didn't have my contact lenses on today, otherwise, i would never be able to stop laughing at him. I thought about start wearing contact lenses again since I go to the gym and classes all the time and in some classes such as boxing and pilates, it would certainly be easier with contact lenses.

I'm glad I had my ankle taped because when I was practising, my left foot actually slipped and I almost twisted my ankle. I would definetely hurt it if I didn't have my ankle taped.

I was glad that I was able to verify this question I had fo\r a while with Gavin today. All my therapists, from personal trainer to even my massage therapist, think that I might be over training a bit given that I do between 10 to 13 sessions of gym and classes a week. Ana, the gym staff/exercise physiologist, thinks I'm definitely over trained but she is not sure whether it's a problem in my case. I asked Gavin about that and he said defintely not. I told him that I remember asking him about what I should do last year and he told me that I have to work very hard at the gym till I'm absoultely stuffed. He said that's right. I told him that you can only feel really stuffed a few times and then you have to increase the intensity of the workout to feel stuffed and that's how I got to 13 sessions now. He said the only problem may be that I over train and I feel very run down and walk worse because I'm very tired but otherwise, there is no problem at all. I also asked him about weight traing and how some people say you can't do weights every day because the muscles need time to repair themselves. He thought in my case it doesn't matter because I'm not a body builder and I'm not using heavy weights. It's reassuring to find out from him because now I have the license to do even more :-)

I told him that what doctors don't tell you is that you have to work extremely hard to get fit and the fitter you are, the less you will be affected by fatique. I mentioned to him that I never knew rehab could be so much fun and I think I'm fitter than I have ever been. He didn't think so. He said he thought I would have been pretty fit before when i was dancing. I don't know about that, maybe I was but I just didn't know. I know this sounds really sick but I'm actually very happy with all the gym sessions and classes and am quite excited about leaaring and acquiring new skills. I told him that sometimes it's dangerous to be distracted by all the differnt classes you can go to and I was quite excited about this new short course that's coming soon - a short course in kick boxing. But then again, I may be setting too many goals and got all distracted by too many things and not focusing on more important things such as running and gait. He didn't think so. He thought it's good to go to all different classes and he thought I should check out kick boxing just to see what it's like.

27 July 2006

2006-07-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

I feel that I had to take somes time to update the blog because of something happened yesterday. I guess it wasn't particularly special but to me it made me feel a sense of schievement.

I went to the usual BodyPump class yesteday afternoon after my session with Prema. I decided to get there a bit earlier and queue up in the line since the classes get pretty crowded when the semester started again on Monday. The Wednesday 5.20 pm class is usually crowded because many people who work at the University attend as well. I always try to get a spot near the wall and the weights so I can use the wall for balance when we stretch the quads. It's also good to be near the weights so I don't have far to carry them.

I was the first one in the queue so I sat down and waited. Then,another girl in an Ormond College jumper came and queued up after me and then a whole lot of other people queued up as well. I noticed that this Ormond College girl was standing and kept bending over and stretching. At first, I thought she has a bad back. Then, she started talking to someone she knew. She told the other person that she went to Cardio Boxing on Monday night and BodyPump on Tuesday morning and that just didi it. She said she's so sore and if she sits down, she wouldn't be able to get up again. I know it probably doesn't sound any special to peopleI guess what she said may not mean anything to most people but it meant a lot to me. I wasn't feeling well from Monday so I only went to the gym in the morning before going to work and didn't go to any classes that ervening. But I well made up for it on Tuesday - went to BodyPump and then 1.5 hours of gym and then rushed back to get the car to see my doctor and then rush back to a Cardio Box class before rushing back home to grab some lunch and then rush back to the gym for personal training and more gym after personal traing. And then rushed back home to cook before rushing back for BodyBalance class. Ok, this sounds really long winded but I had abbout 6 hours of gym, classes and personal training and I was feeling abit tired but not so sore that I couldn't move. I guess this means I'm actually fitter than a normal person. Isn't that a wonderful feeling? I guess I never actually thought about it before that although I have some disabilities but I'm actually quite fit these days. Tim said the amount of traing I do these days is equivalent to the amount of traing an elite atheletic would have done.

Another thing worth mentioning is that the rehab world seems so small and everyone know everyone. I got up at 5.30 a.m. yesterday morning and went to the gym before my pilates class. I thought I'd better do it this way so I don't have to walk up and down to the gym 3 times sine I was going to Epworth for physio after pilates. My phone rang in the class. My bag was right next to me but I didn't bother anwsering it. I thought it can only be two persons rining me this early in the morning - either Tim can't find something or Gavin reschedulling my appointment. In either case, it would annoy me greatly when I have bad PMT, it's best not taking the phone and just check the message later. It turned out that Gavin is away sick and the receptionist called to tell me not to go in. This is so wierd. I was happy in a way because I've never seen Gavin sick. When I had the flu on the weekend, I was just thinking that I wonder if he ever gets sick because I've never seen him taken and sick leave. Ok, I have now.

I was a little a bit annoyed because had I known he's sick, I could have slept in for another half an hour and go to the gym after pilates. Now I suddenly had more time at my hand, the natural place to go is the GYM. I went bacx to the gym and did it all over again. When I was about 6 minutes into my workout on the elliptical, a girl came up to me and said hello. At first, I was annoyed, thinking she might be waiting for the elliptical I was on. I had an incident with another guy aq few weeks ago that he wanted me to stick to the gym policy that there's a 30 min restriction on all cardio equipment during peak hours. I had already finished myt 30 min and was doing the 5 min cooldown. He stood right next to the machine and wouldn't leave until I cut short of my cooldown. I thought this girl was going to ask me when I'd finish etc. It turned out that she works at the gym and also worked with Erica, the boxing instructor who is alsdo a physio. Erica told her about me. She told me she works at the gym and she thought there maybe things that she can help me with. She also told me she knows Gavin as well. It's very nice of her but it feels really wierd having people go up to you and ask you if you had a stroke and claims that they know your physio or some instructor for a class.

I actually went to see her this morning at the gym. I thought I might as well give that a try because you never know what you might benefit from that. Given that she has a lot of experience with people like me, it's probably better to see her than just any gym staff. She went through some exercises with me and wrote up a program for me.

I went to another BodyPump class after lunch. I had 10 sessions already and it's only Thursday. I guess I feel time is running out for me and I'm just working really hard like if there is no tomorrow. I have another appointment with an occupational physician in 2 weeks. This time, I don't think I can say that I can't increase my work hours or I think it may jeopardise my work situation. I don't know what my GP was thinking when he was writing a report to her. He told her that I'm most unlikely to get better physically than I already am and that I most definitely have cognitive deficits and a neuropsychological test should be done. I don't know what sort of drugs he was on when he wrote this to her but he definitely fxxxked up this time. I'm still upset with him because it was bad enough that he didn't refer me to have a scan when I first had bad headaches aqnd dizziness and now it's this. I guess there is nothing much i can do now except just get on with my life as normal until I have to deal with it. I know this sounds really sick but I'm actually enjoying doing rehab now. Sometimes, I'm thinking 'isn't it so wrong to enjoy rehab and think it's almost the best time in your life?'

19 July 2006

2006-07-19T04:15:00.000-07:00

I promised Neil that I'd update the blog as soon as I can so here it is. I usually work on the Mondays but this week I'm working on the Friday instead because there is a team lunch and my manager thought it would be nice if I could attend. I think it's nice of him to include me but honestly, I'd rather spend 2 hours at the gym instead of having a long lunch. I couldn't tell him that. I had to change all my appointments just for that. The problem is people who don't me well think I have nothing to do when I'm not at work. They don't know how many gym/class and physio sessions I have in a week. I normally go to physio at Epworth on Tuesdays and Fridays but since I'm working this Friday I thought I'd better change it to Monday and Wednesday so I can stay for the running group after physio. I have been to the running group a couple of times on the Wednesday but haven't been for a while.

It was quite an experience to attend the Monday running group. I have never been to the one on Mondays because of work. The people in the group are very friendly. I've already met Sam, another Gavin's patient, previously. When I got to physio, he was already there. When I was warming up on the trampoline, he was practising walking up the stairs. I noticed that his left arm was in some kind of plaster so I asked him if he's borken his arm. That must have been a bad question because he looked at me strangely and said very slowly ' it's a splint'. I was stupid enough to ask him again if he has broken his arm. I seriously thought he had a broken arm because the way his arm was placed - slightly bent and holding up like someone who has a broken arm in a sling. He told me he has to wear the splint because the brain injury causes the arm to tense up. He then asked me if he looked very strange like that. I felt so bad because if I should know better having gone through that myself. My arm was like that when I was still at MECRS and since my arm and shoulder have gotten better, I have almost forgotten how bad I was before. I felt terrible that I made him feel self concious. I didn't know what to say to him and worse still, I even forgot to tell him that I was like that once.

I then noticed that many guys in the running group are like that as well. They are running much better and faster than I do but therir arms look funny - they all have one arm bent and holding up like they have a broken arm. I think I'm extremely lucky that I had the help from Neil and Rosemary and also Prof Kaye's referral to an orthopaedic so my arm looks a lot more normal than these people. A couple of the guys in the group had stroke around the same time I had my surgery so our injuries must have occurred around the same time. I don't know how much treatment they had or their details but all I could see was that they have 'funny' arms even though they can run faster than I can.

I even met a financial planner, Rob, in the group. I was quite surprised to find another financial planner in such a place and who also was disgusted by the way you have to sell the products to get the commission. Rob's injury is on the left side of the brain so he said he couldn't even speak when he first had the injury and the doctors told him he may never be able to speak again. I thought he's done remarkably well because he was speaking quite well and I couldn't tell that his speech was affected. There you go - another pessimistic prognosis by doctors which has proven to be wrong again. Another thing I noticed is that almost everyone I spoke to in the group thinks they have bad memories and told me they may not remember my name. I told them not to worry because I'm the same. I wonder if they really have bad memories or just another prognosis by the specialist which becomes the self fullfilling prophecy. I sometimes freak out when I forget something but Tim always thinks it's ok to be forgetful sometimes because we all do that from time to time.

For quite a long time, I alway felt I was hard done by and felt that my effort and achievement not recognised by other people and I wished that everybody knows what I have been through and would recognise my effort and give me some credit. Going to the running group and meeting all these people made me realised that I was hard done by but I was not the only one and comparing to some of them, my situation is not that bad. I'm very grateful for the support of people who care about me like Tim and his family , my family and Neil and Rosemary. I forgot to mention that Rosemary wrote me a really nice letter a couple of months ago about rewarding myself for my achievement - her ispiration comes from reading a book about dog training which she is trying to apply to her cat, Oscar. The way to reward myself is to have a list of all the landmark events so when I look back I can see the progress I've made. I have a very long list and I'm planning to have it on the blog one day. I guess the reason I mention this is because in the running group on Monday, I suddenly realised something. I think I was so self indulged in my unfortunate experience and thinking I was so hard done by all these time and feeling that everyone should respect me for what I've achieved so far. I felt that people should give me more credit and was even thinking that my story should be made known to the public - like in the trashy newspaper or local paper or something so people would know who I am and respect for what I had to do to get to this stage. When I looked at Gavin and Chris (an exercise physiologist who also teaches running), they have done a lot for these people but they don't go around and expect people to know what they have done for the people who have had brain injuries. I felt embarrassed and childish to feel that I needed credits for being able to walk or run. I wouldn't be able to run without their help.

Another thing I must mention and I promised Neil that I would. Rosemary gave me a cake recipe with that letter she wrote knowing that I'm learning to bake but haven't had much experience. I think she'll be proud of me to know that i have been baking at least one cake a week ever since. One of the things on my to do list is to be able to bake nice cakes and I think I'm half way there.

7 July 2006

2006-07-06T20:17:00.000-07:00

Fisrt dairy entry in over a month. The latest news is that I saw Professor Kaye on Monday after my recent MRI scan. I was really nervous about the appointment and insisted that Tim accompany me to the appointment. When we walked in Prof Kaye's office, he smiled and said 'it's good to get you out of the gym'. I have bumped into him a few times at the gym before so he knows I'm a gym junkie. The good news is that my scan result is normal. There are no changes since my last scan. Prof Kaye was very impressed with my improvement and he said it's amazing to see some of the things I do at the gym. I think he might be referring to the running I do on the step machine. One of the exercises I do is set the step machine to the highest level so I can run very fast on it. Gavin said it's good practicew for my running so I have been doing that for a while now. I was a little bit embarrassed when he carried on a bit about my progress. I guess he remembered how bad I was right after the operation so from not being able to wiggle my toes to going to the gym is a big improvement. I told him that one thing I found strange is that specialists often don't tell you that you have to work very hard to get better and the harder you work the faster you improve. Tim also told him that it's frustrating that most rehab specialists will tell you that you will never recover but they won't tell you that if you work hard you will recover more than if you just give up. I haven't put this in my blog yet but I told Prof Kaye that I couldn't do pushups or chin ups before and now I can do both.

I didn't know I can do chin ups until last Friday in physio. I have been having problem with my lfet knee since Tuesday so I couldn't do my running practice last Friday. Gavin got me to do so upper limb exercises since I couldn't do much with the legs. I was actually craving for a good workout by that stage because I had to cut back on my sessions due to my knee problem. He asked me to do a few set of push up s first. He told me to go down lower that I should feel I almost can't get up. It's much harder to go down lower. After the pushups, he asked me to do the chin ups and tricep dips on the machine. I tried to use the machine almost a year ago and it was very difficult back then and I always wondereed if I can do it now every time I go to the gym. The machine at the gym is quite hard to get on so I haven't actually tried. Gavin asked me to try the chin ups and the dips in sitting first. The machine is really desiged for kneeling but it's much harder for the patients to do them in kneeling so there is a box under the machine for patients to step on to get on the machine in either sitting or kneeling.

The machine is designed in such a way that you can adjust it to your body weight so it's easier to do the chin ups. Gavin set the number/level for me but when I tried it was quite easy in the tricep dips so he had to adjust it harder. He said he under estimated me. I told him it could be due to BodyPump classes because they sometimes do tricep dips in the classes. The chin ups was hard but not impossible. After a few sets, Gavin asked me to get off the machine and then try it in kneeling. To my surprise, it's not that hard to do it in kneeling. I'm quite excited by this new achievement. When I told Tim about it, he just think I'm cheating a bit with the chin ups because it's assisted by the machine and it's not the real chin ups. I suppose he expects me to do chin ups like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.

Apart from my sore knee, everything is fine. I've started taking juggling lessons from Kate, one of Neil's students. Apart from studying, she also works at a circus and teaches people juggling. When Neil mentioned this to me, I thought I should take it up because I'd be kicking myself later if I had this opportunity and didn't take it. I also signed up for a boxing short course with Neil. It's cardio boxing but the instructor is from a real boxing background and he teaches a lot of boxing techniques in the course. I have been to cardio box classes with Tim many times and I really hate it. I guess that's the reason I signed up - I really hate it but I think it's good for me. Things I hate doing are often good for me - pilates, aerobics and walking down the big stairs in physio. I think I used to hate the stairs the most, then pilates and then boxing and aerobics but nowq it's more like aerobics, boxing, pilates and stairs. I know my rehab time is limited because I will have to increase my work hours eventually so I'm just trying to do as much as possible now so I won't have any regrets.

I have also discovered a new class - BodyBalance. It's another one of those Les Mills fitness class. It has a combination of TaiChi, Pilates and Yoga. I went to my usual aerobics class on Monday night and Donna, the usual instructor for the class, was away. Mary, another instructor, took the class. I spoke to her afterwards and she thought I had a broken leg. I told her I had a stroke because it's too hard to explain all the details. She told me she teaches BodyBalance and it might be good for me to try it out. So, there I was. I have to be honest to say that I didn't enjoy the class. It's too alternative for me. I'm not really into those mind- body type of exercises or even meditation. However, I might try out a few other sessions just to see if it improves. Maybe it will be like boxing, I really hated it when I signed up for the course but now I learned a lot more I'm beginning to like it more.

2 June 2006

2006-06-01T21:00:00.000-07:00

Today is the second anniversary of my operation. It has been 2 very long years. I was reading my blog dated 1 June 2005 and I found it interesting to see the changes. I'm definitely a lot better physically and also psychologically. I don't remember it anymore until i read my blog that I had an exercise bike back then but I didn't go to the gym and I have almost forgotten that the bathroom rennovation was done around this time last year. I think the biggest change is probably my confidence. I have forgotten that I used to feel like the huntchback of Notre Dame and was always hiding away from people. I know I still feel a bit uncomfortable in a crowded situation but compares to what I was like before, it's miles better.

I forgot to mention this in the blogs that I was in the city on my own a few weeks ago. I have always dreaded going to the city on my own because of the crowd. I haven't been to the hairdresser for almost 4 months and thought it's time that I have a hair cut. My hairdresser is on Little Bourke Street and is a bit hard to get to. Tim asked me to catch the tram but I was too scared so I managed to persuade him to drop me off and I might catch the tram home later. When I finished at the hairdresser's, I felt like going to St Francis - a church I used to go and felt I have a special connection to. My hairdress is at the corner of Little Bourke and Russel Street so I walked all the way down Little Bourke and cut through Myers and St Francis is just opposite to Myers. I was a bit distracted when I was at Myer, I haven't been shopping for a long time and can't remember the last time I was there on my own - must have been before my operation. I looked around and bought a few things before I went to St Francis.

After visiting the church, I thought since I was already in the city I might as well look around and go to the shops I wanted to visit. Being a gym junkie, I had this urge to go to Rebel Sports and check out the fitness gear. I walked all the way from the cornor of Lonsdale and Elizabeth Street to Bouke St Mall. I noticed that from time to time people woule look at me and then look down at my legs or feet. I have jeans on so my ankle brace was not visible. I suspect they looked at my legs because I was limping a bit. I was surprised that it didn't bother me much when people looked at my walking. I think I would be mortified a year ago. After getting few things from Rebel Sports, I caught the tram home. It's not so bad to catch the tram once I have the Metcard ready because it means I don't have to walk around in the tram trying to get a ticket.

I think going to the classes must have helped in making me less sensitive to people looking or staring at me. When i went to the Tri Atheletic class on Monday, there was one part of the class the instructor was doing something similar to a line dancing sequence so you need to turn around at the end of each sequence. I couldn't turn because I felt I was provoking the ankle inversion so I ended up facing the wrong side and had to stay that way until the routine was finished. I didn't know what I was suppoased to do so I thought I'd just do the opposite to what everyone else was doing. It was pretty funny. I don't think I would find that amusing at all a year ago though.

One big landmark achievement is that I can finally do pushups!!! I didn't know until I went to the BodyPump class yesterday and when I tried to do pushups on my knees (some people call them girl's pushups), I could feel that I was doing them properly because I could get more weight on my arms and shoulders. My short term goal (in the next month or two) is to be able to do pushup on toes - the peroper pushups.

I was a bit disappointed that Tim was not that enthusiastic when I showed him my pushup. It made me feel like that TXU commercial - the TXU employee just babbles on about what they do and the listener seems a bit bored and the caption says - we're excited by gas and electricity, even if you are not. When I went to physio this morning, I told Gavin I have a new trick to show him. When I showed him my pushups, I was disappointed that he had the same reaction as Tim had - is that all? He asked me if the reason I couldn't do it before was because of my weak shoulder and told me I still need to get my hips down a bit because I was sticking my butt out a bit. Oh, well, at least I'm pretty excited by this new achievement.

I'm just getting ready to go to my classes - BodyPump and BodyStep. I'm a bit scared of going to BodyStep because Alex is taking that class this afternoon. I think it's important to update my blog today and just jot down my thoughts so in future I can always look back and make comparison.

30 May 2006

2006-05-29T20:21:00.000-07:00

Finaaly, here is another blog. I feel so bad that I haven't updated this for a while. I have been extremely busy attending 5 gym ssessions, 7 classes and 3 physio sessions a week plus the part time work. I could hardly find any time to type up the blog...

I have many more landmatk achievements since my last update. The most significant one is probably I'm able to hold myself up in the pilates plank position. It's similar to the starting position of doing proper pushups - staying on the toes rather than on the knees. I have been going to pilates classes for a while now and it's always annoying when the instructor starts the class in a standing position and do a roll down and walk the hands out in front and get in the plank position. Because of my ankle instability, I always find it difficult to do this and would finish in a 4 point kneeing position rather than a plank position. Last week, I though maybe I should ask Gavin if he could give me some exercises to do so I can get in the plank position eventually. When I asked him about it, he didn't seem to understand what the plank position was so I told him it's like the starting position in the proper pushups. He said there's a trick to that and he showed me how I could do it even with my unstable ankle. I need to start with the 4 point kneeling position and then put my heels together and push up with my arms. To my surprise, I was able to push up with my arms and stay in that position. It's probably not quite the same as what I need to do in pilates but it's pretty close to doing proper pushups. I found that my shoulders are so much stronger and I can bear a lot more weight than before. I found that these days when I do pushups, I'm definitely putting more pressure on the arms and shoulders even though I still do them in 4 point kneeing. One of my short term goal is to be able to do proper pushups.

Another major breakthrough is that I'm now able to pick up a bottle from a shelf behind me. This is something I've been wanting to do for a long time and it can be quite a useful function in the shower. For example, reaching behind and above to grab that shampoo bottle without having to turn around. I didn't know I could do this because I haven't tried for a long time. When Prema was sick last week and had to cancel our appointment, I suddenly had an extra 1.5 hours (ok, I should have updated the blog as well) so I thought maybe I'd try that. I was amazed that I can do it without too much trouble and very excited by this new achievement. I think my shoulders are getting so much stronger - thanks to BodyPump classes. I think that's the best thing I've stumbled across in my rehab. Ok, maybe having Gavin as my physio is the best and BodyPump the next best thing in my rehab.

I think I was probably a bit harsh on my orthopaedics, Martin Richardson. I remember asking him a while back about what to do to have a full recovery of my shoulder and he told me I needed strength training. I was a bit skeptical and thought maybe he just wanted to brush off my questions. When I asked Gavin about what to do in the gym for my shoulder, he told me I could do whatever I like. I then found out about BodyPump a few months ago and having been attending the classes ever since. I think going to the classes is good because it forces me to do a lot of exercises that I wouldn't do otherwise and in a class situation is a bit hard to quit when I get too tired. The only thing I don't like in BodyPump is Alex. I know it's been a while now since I had the trouble with him. I actually tried to be nice to him by going upto him after the class and have a chat a few weeks ago. He wasn't particularly sympathetic of my situation and asked me if I still see Gavin and if I knew what percentage of recovery I would get. I told him it all ldepends how how hard I work and no one rehab specialist or physio will tell me the answer because nobody really knows. He said he's still worried about me. He thinks because I have one weak side so the stronger side will do all the work and if I just practice poor technique repetitively, I'm reinforcing bad habits. I tod him that's ok because for a start, Gavin didn't seem to think it's a problem and secondly, in many rehab journals, bilateral training is encourgaed since the strong side can teach the affected side.

I actually think he is just not a nice person. Sometimes I wonder if his background is accounting or finace because he is really a dickhead. He is the only one person who knows my condition and what I have been trying to do and not sympathetic about it. I see him at the gym sometimes and he's not particularly friendly. Most of the gym staff who know of my condition are quite sympatheic and I feel somewhat respect my efforts in trying to do as much as possible. I know i sound like a whinger but I just need to get this off my chest again. I know he'll be taking the BodyStep class I've been attending this Friday because Tracy, the usual instuctor for this class, will be away. I went up to him after the BodyPump class and just check if it's ok if I go to BodyStep but leaving early. I told him I've been having this inversion problems for a while and if the inversion gets bad, I might just leave early. His reply was sort of like I shouldn't take up the space if I'm going to have a problem because someone else should have my space. That's probably right, some able bodied student should have my place because his class is not for someone who has a disability. All I can say is fxxk him. I'll attend if I feel like going and leave when I feel I've had enough. I'm somehow worried that if I attend and if he can pick more fault, I might need Gavin to bail me out again. I don't want to miss a class because of him because I don't want to give him the pleasure of being able to intimidate me. I really don't understand how can some people be so nasty. Most people who know what I have been through really admire my courage for trying (so they say) but he is the most unsympathetic person I've met. Given that he is the business manager of the sports centre, I thought he should feel honored that they are able to help a disabled person to get her life back rather than kicking the underdog.

16 May 2006

2006-05-15T23:48:00.000-07:00

Latest achievement to report: walked from the Melbourne Town Hall to home. We went to the Comedy Festival the week before with a group from Tim's work. The comedy was at the Melbourne Town Hall. After the show, we went to a Chinese restaurant in Little Bourke Street for dinner. Tim thought I'd porbably like to catch a taxi home afterwards but as we started walking, I actually felt like some exercises. I think my body was craving for more exercises since I had to leave early during my BodyStep class to get to the show. It was drizzling but it was not cold and I found the walk quite pleasant. We walked down Exhibition Street which turns into Rathdowne Street and then Grattan Street and turned to Lygon Street. We even managed to catch a late movie at Cinema Nova in Lygon Court before heading home. I don't know how far we walked but I think it's definitely more than 3 km. I think it's the first time I walked this far (in the city) since the operation. Come to think of it, I don't think I would have done this before my operation anyway. I think I would have complained how far it is and would have caught a tram or a taxi. These days, I really enjoy being able to move around. I guess after what I've been through, I appreciate and cherish the fact that I can walk and move around - things that we normally take for granted.

I'm still 'suffering' from the symptoms of an addict - constantly thinking and planning when I will go to the gym and classes and feel anxious when I haven't been. I started going to the gym before work on Monday mornings. Since I returned to part time work, I feel really tired and anxious on Mondays when I'm at the office. I kept thinking about going to the gym afterwards and didn't feel like interact with my collegues because I just wanted to go home and go to the gym. I thought maybe I need to get my 'fix' before I go to work so I'd feel more settled and less anxious. The gym opens at 6.30 a.m. so I had to get up at 5.30 a.m. to get there early enough to have a reasonable workout and then get home to have a shower and get ready to go to work. I think this plan works pretty well because I definitely feel more relaxed when I go to work and didn't feel anxious all the time. It's a big effort for somebody who used to sleep in all the time. I have been getting up at 6 a.m. to go to BodyPump and Pilates but 5.30 a.m. is really early. I think my body knows I have to get up at that time so on the days I don't need to get up at 5.30 a.m., I would wake up and check my alarm clock at 5.30 a.m.

On the days I rocked up at the gym at 6.30 a.m., I found that there this girl who is always there early and because she can run, she always managed to get the elliptical machine I like. I find this quite annoying since I feel I work best with that elliptical. The only thing I can do is try to do more when I don't have to go there that early since she won't be there.

I was at the gym for about 2 hours this morning after my BodyPump class. I have been attending Alex's classes on Tuesday mornings. Despite the fact that Gavin stated in the letter to him that I will not use barbell for any overhead activites or for squats, I have been using the barbell for a while now. The letter was written back in March and it's almost been 2 months now. I tried to use the bar in a class with different instructor and it felt ok so I have kept using it. I haven't mentioned this before but the instructor on Monday night, Donna, is a very nice lady. She teaches Tri Atheletic (an aerobics class) and BodyPump on Monday evenings. I have been going to her classes for a while now. She was the one who pointed out to me that my tecniques look quite good in BodyPump and I should set my self a goal to increase the weights over time. I took her advice and loaded up the weights. In BodyPump, they always say you should have heavier weight in the squats track since quads are big muscle groups. When I first tried the heavier weight, she asked me how did I go with it. I told her it felt heavy. She told me that's what it's meant to be and she told me she thought my technique was good. Sometimes I wonder if it's a gender difference that guys just can't be sympathetic and nice. Donna is always very sympathetic of my situation and is always nice. She mentioned many times that I'm really inspiring because I don't give up and I still try to do things. On the other hand, Alex is not like this at all. A few weeks ago, I went up to him to have a chat after his class. Not that I particularly wanted to but I thought I should be nice to him since he is the operations manager at the sports centre and it's better if I can get on well with someone in that position. He asked me how's my rehab going and whether I still sees Gavin. He then asked me if I know how much recovery I will get. I looked at him and he asked if they told me what % of recovery I will get. I really hate this type of question so I told him rehab speciailists will never tell you anything like that because it all depends on how hard you work. He told me that he is still worried about me. I told him I know my limits so I won't do anything silly. He said it's not just that but because I have one weak side and the strong side will just try to do everything and if I keep practising poor technique, I'm reinforcing bad habits. I told him in rehab they encourage bilateral training because your good side can teach the affected side. I don't think he has bad intensions but I guess he is just a bloke and blokes can't say anything nice or they'll sound soppy. This happened many weeks ago but I still felt uneasy about it. I guess I expect a lot more respect from people since I tried so hard. Sometimes, I feel maybe I need a write up in the newspaper or something because I feel so unappreciated since most people don't know what I have been through to get to this stage and I feel I deserve more respect. But then if people from work or the insurance company find out what I'm really like, I might be in serious trouble.

28 April 2006

2006-04-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

I's been over a month since my last update. I have been EXTREMELY busy with rehab and work. I have been attending 10 gym sessions and classes combined over the last month. Given that Easter break and Anzac day the gym was closed, I had to go to more than one class a day to make up the 10 sessions. For example, last week I had 5 gym sessions, one pilates class, 3 BodyPump clases and one BodyStep class. I also had 2 physio sessions with Gavin and one session with Prema. The problem is my body is so used to work so hard so whenever there is a public holiday and the gym is closed, my body feels terrible and tired. I had a terrible Easter break because the gym was closed. We went to our newly purchased farm for Easter but I felt tired the whole time and didn't end up doing very much. As soon I went to the gym and a BodyPump class, I was fine again. When I spoke to Tim about this, he just said I'm an addict. I told him I'm not but my body is. He said ' what do you think those drug addicts say?' I guess he has a good point. I have turned into a gym junkie and it's quite obvious. I plan my days so I can get to the gym and classes. I get really grumpy when I don't get my 'fix'. I get up at 5 something a.m. so I can get to my classes. I haven't even had a chance to update my blog because I've been too busy with gym and classes. I skip dinner and risk missing my favourite TV show ' Desperate House Wives' to go to BodyPump... The list goes on.

If you think about the 10 hours of exercises I do plus 3 hours of physio and 8 hours work plus commuting time to attend all these activites, I have very little time left in a day for anything else. I thought I was doing really well until Wednesday. I went to Epworth for physio on Wednesday and Gavin did another HiMAT test. He had another patient there so he did the test on us both. I have met this other patient of his, Alex, previously. I don't know what happened to him but I presumed he had a car accident and is less independent because he has a carer with him all the time. I have seen him run before but I have never seen him going up and down the stairs before. Going up and down the stairs is part of the test. I have always found the stairs hard because I'm not allowed to use the rails and I'm not very good with going down the stairs without the rails. I tend to stand close to the rails when going down even though Gavin keeps reminding me to be right in the middle. I was amazed to see how well Alex is doing. He is so much faster than me and is almost running down the stairs and he is right in the middle of the stairs!!! I was pretty disappointed to know that he got a higher HiMAT score than I did. I just couldn't get over the fact that I go to 10 sessions of gym/class per week and was beaten by someone who can't even get around on his own. I couldn't help myself so I asked Gavin what did I do wrong and what's he doing that I'm not given that I work so hard by fitting in 10 sessions a week (and I only work on weekdays). Gavin said going to the gym will help with my strength but to run better and faster, I have to actually practice running itself. I can't help but thinking that maybe the test is a bit flawed because it doesn't test how normal a person is such as speed and co-ordination, which is required if you want to do aerobics. I didn't tell him that because I don't want to offend him and besides, I was just been a bit bitchy. I think what I need to do is schedule in some time for walking and running practice during the day like if I attend a class.

When I was at Epworth this morning, I asked Gavin about how to get over my 'addiction'. It's a bit strange to explain to him and I told him that I got to a stage that even I don't want to go to the gym, my body will just take itself there. I told him I had to goto the gym this morning before phsyio, otherwise I just feel like crap and have no energy. At first, i felt quite stupid trying to explain to him what the problem is but i was surprised when he said he knew what I was saying. He said he is the same. I asked him 'how do you get over it?'. I guess I should have asked ' how do I get over it' because he said he goes for a run everyday! I asked him what about his other patients. He told me none of the guys have this problem because they are too lazy. Well, I like to be lazy too if I can but my body just doesn't like it. I find it very hard to believe that I'm the only patient he has who has turned into a gym junkie. Maybe, I should have listened to him in the first place - go to the gym 3 times a week. I think he said at least 3 times a week.

When I was practising running, Gavin came up to me and said he wanted to ask me a favour. I thought it was strange and thought maybe he wants to borrow my parking permit. I know his research starts from next week and he will be based at Melbourne Uni. He said he is running a lecture on teaching people how to run for the physios tomorrow and he wants to use my video to show them. I thought that's odd, why me? I asked him if I have the typical hemiplegia run. He said not just that but he wants to show the physios a few different videos with people who would normally be discharged from other hospitals and ask them what could they do to help the patients. He said in my case, he'd tell the physios that I want to go back to dancing and be able to chase after my daughter and ask them if they have aqny thoughts on what can they do to help me. That's encouraging because he obviously remembers my goals although we rarely talk about it. Unlike the rehab specialist, he never said I can never dance again. I guess that's why I think he is a great physio - he is always so positive.

I guess I'm also worried that when my work hour increases I have less time to do all this. My work plan is up for review again and the consultant told me my manager would like me to go in for another day instead of incresing the hours I work from home because the plan is to get me back full time, not working from home full time. I think going back to work has forced me to be more efficient with my time. I used to have so much time and didn't do very much. Now I have to be efficient or else I can't fit in my class/gym sessions.

24 March 2006

2006-03-24T01:29:00.000-08:00

Very BIG news today - I'm running!!! I had my my physio at Epworth this morning and I think it's official that I can run because Gavin told other people that I can run and also videoed me running. He said it would be good to video me running now and compare it in a few months. I didn't know I could run (or it's counted as running) because I'm really lobsided and my feet are wide apart when I run. This is really exciting me for me because I have been working very hard at this for some time now and is a bit frustrated that I wasn't getting anywhere. I remember when I was still at MECRS, Jane, the physio who treated me when I was an in patient, said I'd be running by the next Olympics. That's still 2 years away! I'm lucky that I have been referred to Epworth and found Gavin there.

I have been dreading this afternoon for a few days now. Ever since I had the incident with Alex, the operations manager at the sports centre, I became very worried that he'd pick on me again when I go to his class. I planned to go this afternoon because there is Body Step right after Body Pump so I can attend one after another. When I was at physio, I asked Gavin about the exercises we were going through on Wednesday and he was supposed to make comment. He handed me two envelopes - one for Alex and a copy for me. I was surprised that he's so organised.

I wasn't so sure about my 3 remaining planned sessions after I return from physio. I did lots of running and was a little bit tired. I planned to go to the gym and then attend Body Pump and Body Step. When I called Tim after lunch and told him about my plan and that I wasn't sure whether I should go, he said ' I don't say this often but don't you think you're pushing yourself too hard?' I couldn't believe my ears! It's unlike him to say something like that. I had to push myself in going to the gym and then drag myself to the sports centre to attend the classes. I got to to the sports centre an hour before the class starting time to make sure I could get a ticket to Body Pump when they start distributing tickets. When I went around the corner to check the timetable and instructors for the classes, I saw Alex walking towards me. I felt really uncomfortable and couldn't decide whether I should say hello to him or just pretend I didn't recognise him. He said hello to me and I was surprised that he remembered me and my name. He said he's spoken to Gavin and received the letter in the email. I told him I have the original letter and handed him the envelope. He said he was trying to explain to Gavin that Body Pump is not just your normal weight training because there're so many repetitions and you go through them so quickly in the class. I told him I would not use weights for squats and lunges and that I will only use the bar for overhead presses. He said that's fine and he demonstrated how I should do my squats - stick out my butt rather than just going down straight. I told him I'll be going to his class later anyway.

I went to the BodyPump class and everything was fine. He didn'y pick on me this time. He came around and helped me a bit when we were doing the tricep pushups but didn't say anything. I didn't get a chance to talk to him afterwards because Body Step was right after so I don't know whether he thinks I'm ok to continue attending the class. I think he noticed I was staying for BodyStep because I saw him hanging around for a bit just to watch what I was doing. I had a platform/step in front of me but didn't actually use it. I always do that in BodyStep. People probablt think I'm insane because I don't use so why bother. It's my strategy of creating a bit of space for myself so people don't get to close to me and block my way. Unlike Body Pump, there is no restriction on number of attendants so it can get very crowded sometimes. I think i made a mistake by getting a backcorner spot in BodyStep because when we turned to face the wall I had nobody in front of me to follow - something for me to think about next time.

I quite like the Body Step instructor, Tracey and would always talk to her before and after the class. I told her I'm still finding it hard to keep up but is slowly getter better. She said she's glad to see me keep coming to the class. I told her this was my 4th session of the day. She said I'm an inspiration for many people. I don't think I am because not many people know what happened to me but it was nice of her to say that anyway.

22 March 2006

2006-03-21T21:51:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling really drained from yesterday's drama. I still haven't got over the humiliation fully. I think I just complained to everybody about it - even my mum. My mum was reminding me of the Christian values we should have and I should just forget and forgive Alex. I'm not sure I can do that easily. I feel guilty that I actually wish he rots in hell. I don't know how Jesus could go through it all and be crucified on the cross for us. Frankly, I don't think we, the human race, are worth it. I often feel that way, especially when I go to the church and people give me this rude stare. Sometimes, I wonder why do I bother at all but I think I need my faith to keep me positive while facing this big challenge in my life.

I went to my usual Wednesday pilates this morning. I got up about 5 something just to make sure I get there early enough to get in. I like the fact that the mind and body studio is always dark so even with the lights switched on the room is not that bright. It helps me a bit because I don't feel so embarrassed when there is something I can't do. There is always something I can't do in the class so I'm used to it now. Today, the instructor finished off with a balance exercise - so ridiculously hard for me. It starts with standing and then lift up the left leg up to the side so the left hand can grab the foot and hold it in that position. I think there is a movement like this in figure skating which I used to be able to do - when I was in primary school. Here is another exercise for me to work on at home.

I went to Brunetti to get a cake for Gavin on my way to physio. I thought I should get him something just to thank him for helping me out yesterday. I really appreciated that he took the trouble to sort out Alex for me. I think at one stage I was a bit weary of going to Brunetti because lots of people sit outside have their coffee and I didn't like to be stared at. It wasn't crowded this morning but more importantly, I didn't seem to feel the same intimidation as I had before.

When I got to the physio treatment room, Gavin wasn't there. While i was waiting, I went and picked up a trampoline and set it up against the wall - the usual spot I do my warm up running practice. I had to carry it across the room. I guess I could ask someone to help me but I don't like to be treated as disabled so I did it myself.
I know this sounds strange but the only person who can call me a disabled person is I. I really hate it when people refer me as a disabled person.

When Gavin came in, he showed me the email Alex sent him. Apparently, the saga is not quite over yet. Alex has sent him the routines, including the repetitions and wants him to go over those with me and write down some notes as to what I can or can't do and modified versions if any. Alex basically wants a medical clearance from Gavin and also guarantees that they are not responsible for my injury. I think this is pretty ridiculous because how can Gavin guarantee something when he is not even there? I told Gavin I was going to just avoid going to Alex's classes but when I checked the board today i realised that the only ones I can go are unfortunately taken by him so I can't avoid. Gavin said he thought about that but then he remembered that Alex is the manager there and if an instructor is sick or away, he will probably take it. Gavin also mentioned that Alex asked him what classes do I attend and when Gavin told him Body Pumps and Body Step, he freaked out about Body Step. He told Gavin it's even harder and I might fall and hurt myself. Gavin told him I haven't had any injuries yet but he said I was just lucky. Gavin told him if I only went once or twice then i might be lucky but I have been going there for a month and I was fine. Gavin told me if I think I'm the only one who is having this problem then I'm wrong. He told me lots of people had this problem. I was surprised to hear that. I asked him if his other patients go to classes as well, he said some do but not as much. He said they don't push themselves as hard as I do. I suspect they are mostly guys and attending classes is more of a female thing I think. Besides, i don't think i push myself hard enough. I had 10 gym sessions and classes combined last week but if I was pushing myself really hard, I should probably have 15 sessions. He said some people have problem with gyms because some gyms don't think they fit the 'image' because they look different or walk funny. He said he didn't think that's the problem in my case. I think that's terrible of those gyms to do that because as time go on I feel more and more that beauty is just skin deep and whatever you have today can easily be gone tomorrow. I would never have dreamt this would happen to me. I really want to have a full recovery and be able to do something to help the disabled because I think people who have disabilities need a voice.

We spent most of the session on running. Gavin had another patient there today. I think his name is also Alex and he can run. I saw him running down the hall way and it's interesting to watch him. It's interesting to see that although his running is not normal, a bit lobsided, like his walking. At least, he can run and he can run quite fast too. This is the first time I have seen someone who had a brain injury running.

I spent a lot of time trying to get this forward falling motion happening. Apparently, to be able to run, you have to have your weight falling forward. I practiced this for a while but not enough was happening so Gavin asked Libby, a physio assistant, to accompany me to the carpark where there is this big slope and practice running down the slope. I thought this was a bit strange and did what I was told anyway. To my surprise, after practising running down the slope for a while, I found it much easier to fall forward when I was trying to run down the hallway. Gavin said I just need to do lots of this so he'll get me do practice this again next time. I'm really glad he is back because I think he really knows about running and knows what I need to work on to be able to run.

On my way home, I was thinking about the issues Alex brought up. I think I should ask Tim if he has a contact at Melbourne uni at the law school who may know something in this area. I wonder if they can use medical grounds to refuse my membership for classes and whether being female and Asian and disabled will help in my case. I just need to know where I stand because I'm worried that I might be ok for now but what about a few months down the track or when my membership is up for renewal?

On another note, I went to my first cardio box class last Saturday. Tim went there with me and we both found it interesting and fun so we bought our own boxing gloves and plan to do this regularly. The instructor of the class, Erica, is also a physio so she understands my problems. I thought it's a bit strange when she asked me how dense was it (my hemiplegia) after I told her I'm recovering from hemiplegia because most people don't even know what it is not to mention asking about how dense it was.
I think boxing is good because it works on my speed and coordination which I have none at the moment. I would like to start with cardio box and when I'm confident enough, I'd like to try Thai boxing because I think that also involves kicking so I need to have good balance.

I told Gavin today that going to all these classes is just the preparation for getting back into ballroom dancing. I think once I have mastered all the classes, I can try dancing. I didn't tell him this was actually inspired by John Olver, the rehabilitation specialist. I haven't finished my previous blog but I had an appointment with John last week and he was basically saying I won't have a full recivery and I won't be able to dance. Before seeing him, I must say I didn't think about going back to dancing that much now because as time go on, the chance of being able to do it again just seems more remote. But since he said I won't be able to, i will have to prove him wrong like I proved the physio and specialist at MECRS wrong (with the help of Neil and Rosemary)when they said it would take me 2-3 years (or never) to drink a cup of tea with my left hand and I may never be able to lift my left arm up above my head. I think sometimes if you want something bad enough you will get it. Gavin agreed that's the right step in going back to dancing. He never said I won't to do anything. In fact, he is always pushing me and telling me I should be able to do certain things such as pushups. I think that's what makes him a good physio - a positive attitude. I've never heard him telling his patients they won't be able to do certain things. He is always on my case whenever he asks me to do something and I said I can't. He said that's something that's not allowed in physio - not allowed to say 'I can't'.

21 March 2006

2006-03-20T18:02:00.000-08:00

I had a very frustrating morning so despite a few earlier blogs are still in production, I have to publish this one just to get something off my chest.

I made an effort to get up at 6 a.m. while it's still dark outside so I can get to the 7.30 a.m. Body Pump class. I was surprised to find so many people had the same thing in mind. There were 44 people in the class.

I think I made a mistake by telling the instructor that I have some mobility problem and am recovering from hemiplegia because he kept picking on me in the class despite I hid at the back corner. After the class, he told me to see him after I pack up. I thought he was going to tell me I'm doing fine and would give me some pointers on the exercises. I was totally wrong. He told me he didn't think this class is right for me. In fact, he added, he doesn't think I should attend any of the classes because there are too many people in the class and the instructor couldn't possibily keep an eye on me all the time. He said my balance was so bad he was worried that I might injure myself. I told him I didn't think I was anywhere near injuring myself since I was using the lightest weight. He said my barbell was tipping over to one side and I could fall over and hurt myself. I told him my physio thinks I'm ok to attend the class. He thinks not only I shouldn't attend Body Pump. I should not be allowed top attend all classes because that puts pressure on the instructors to keep an eye on me and it's too dangerous for me. It turned out that he is also the operations manager at the sports centre. He then mentioned something about 'duty of care' crap. I feel like saying to him 'don't give me this bullshit, I'm a Chartered Accountant and a financial planner and i think I know enough about duty of care to say I don't think it applies in this case'. I think he's taken this concept to the extreme. I wonder if he is studying at the momement so he uses 'duty of care' loosely.

He told me he thinks I should have personal training or work at the gym. I told him i go to the gym everyday anyway and I have had personal training before. I told him my physio didn't think it's a problem for me to attend classes. He asked me who my phsyio was. He thought it's someone from the sports centre. I felt like saying ' are you kidding? I need a neuro physio not just someone fresh from uni who works at the uni sports centre.' In the end, he told me I cannot attend classes until my physio speaks with him. At first, he asked for a signed declaration from the physio but I told him i don't think my physio would do that so he said as long as my physio calls him and talk to him about it, it's ok.

I was almost in tears by this stage but managed to fight back the tears. I felt like I was discriminated against because I have a (mild) disability and my self-esteem is low. I didn't want to cry in front of him and give him the satisfactiion of 'kicking an under dog'. I told him I'll speak to my physio and went to the gym.

I don't remember what I did at the gym because I was so disturbed by this incident. When I was on the Cross Trainer, Mike, the owner of the personal training group, came up to me and told me he just had a phone call from Alex, the operations manager of the sports centre. Apparently he was checking on me. Mike said he told Alex I had many personal training sessions with them and know what I'm doing. I felt a bit uncomfortable with this because Alex obviously didn't trust me and had to call the personal trainer to check my story. Mike is nice enough but I don't want him to think that I might be going back for personal training.

When I got home, I called Gain straight away to ask him for help but he was not there so I left a message. I guess I was really anxious because I called again just around 11 am - the time I think Gary normally sees him, thinking he'll have to be there. He was busy so they told me he'd call me back later. I hopped on the internet and sent him an email. When I was writing the email, I think it's a good thing I didn't get to speak to him because I was all emotional and I think I'd break down in tears if I had to tell him the story. Sometimes, it's a bit easier to write than to talk to someone on the phone.

I was very tempted to call Neil or Rosemary just to get it off my chest. I felt very hard done by. It's hard enough to go through what I've been through. The last thing i need is for someone to put me down like this. I felt my self esteem was completely shattered. Why couldn't people understand how hard i had to work just to get to this stage - something people just take for granted. I think it's very unsympathetic of him to just write me off like that. I didn't end up calling either of them because I was worried that Gavin may be returning my call while I'm on the phone.

Gavin called me back eventually. I was surprised to find that he's already read my email and talked to Alex for me. I think Alex was very determined to get rid of me from the classes because Gavin had to remind him that I could sue them for discrimination when he insisted that I should not be allowed to go because there is too much risk for them. Gavin said in the end Alex agreed to me attending the class provided that Gavin go through some exercises with me. Apparently. Alex will email Gavin the exercises in the Body Pump classes so he can go through them with me. That's the condition he negotiated for me, which is pretty good. I'm still upset with Alex, or Melbourne uni sports, for that matter. I have been quite unhappy with the way the classes and tickets system work for some time. It's very inconvienent for someone like me to get there early enough to get a ticket since I'm not on campus all the time. Gavin also told me he said to Alex something like ' do you know it takes so much courage for someone like Teresa to attend the class'. I almost burst into tears when I heard that because he obviously understands what I have been through and I always feel my effort is not recognised or acknowledged by people (in general). I think I'll check the class timetable and instructors carefully next time and try to avoid Alex's classes in future.

10 March 2006

2006-03-09T22:10:00.000-08:00

A quick update on my progress/condition. My case manager at work has decided to increase my work hours from next week. I will be working 5 hours on Mondays and 2 - 3 hours on Thursday. They allow me to work from home on Thursdays to start with so I'm not complaining too much. I had a shoulder MRI in early February and I only got the result when I went to see my orthopaedics, Martin Richdardson, the week before. The MRI showed I have shoulder bursitis. Since it's not causing me much grieve at the moment, I refused to have another cortisone injection when Martin mentioned it. Even though he said I can have as many (cortisone injection) as I want, I still don't feel comfortable since it's basically a type of steroid.

I have been going to the gym diligently. It's a bit unpleasant now the students are back. There is almost no off-peak period at the gym now the semester started. Apart from working out at the gym, I also went to some group fitness classes. Tim accompanied me to the BodyStep (aerobics class using adjustable platforms) and BodyPump (exercises using weight adjustable barbells) classes in the last couple of weeks. I know I can probably attend on my own but I found it a bit scary and intimidating at the moment especially it's mobbed by students. I think I got to a stage that I feel quite comfortable and confident going to the gym on my own but not so when I go to the classes. The only class I have been attending on my own is pilates. I think it may be because I started with the short course and I try to go to the class taken by the same instructor who taught the short course so I feel I already know someone and am more used to the way she runs the class.

I think it's good to go to these classes because I tend to always find new problems in the classes - the things I should be able to do but cannot do (yet). I know I can do lots of strength training at the gym but I think my muscles work differently when I'm doing something different from working on the machines. For example, I thought my quads are so much stronger now that I can work much harder and lift heavier weight on the leg press but I was surprised to find that my quads and gluts were so sore after doing lots of squats in BodyStep and BodyPump. Even Judy, my massage therapist, pointed out that she could tell i worked really hard on the legs but it's different from before. She asked me what I did in the last week or so.

On another note, my running is coming along slowly. Gavin said I should be running by Easter. I think it's good that he is back. I think he is really the best when it comes to running training. I know all the physios there know how to teach their patients to run again but so far he is the only one who knows how to fix up my specific problems one at a time and then putting everything together. I know I can always ask him why I need to do certain things and he can always tell me the theory behind it. It's important for me to do the theory so I understand why and what I have to do.

I went to the gym this afternoon and Neil walked me home afterwards. Neil noticed my walking is so much better than a few weeks ago. I'm glad he pointed out to me because I can't see myself. I told him it may be due to Prema has been working on my gait over the last few weeks and I have been practising in front of the mirror at home.

25 February 2006 - NEWS FLASH

2006-02-24T17:49:00.000-08:00

First blog for about one month. Great achievement today. At least, I think it was kind of a landmark event for me. I went to my first BodyStep class with Tim this morning. It's an aerobics class using steps. I found it too hard with the step so I didn't use the step.

I really struggled to keep up in the class because the routine is very fast. I found out a lot of things I couldn't do so it's a good way to find out the things I can't do and talk to the physios about it.

Come to think of it, this is probably the first real aerobics class I attended. I did go to a couple of aerobics classes at the ATO (it's provided as part of the staff wellbeing program) but it was nothing like this. There was no skipping, jumping around at all in those ones so I suspect it's for the absolute beginners. The BodyStep class was much more intense. I was a bit surprised that although I could go through my gym prgram with ease now, I find the aerobics class very hard. I suspect my problem is not strength anymore, it's also speed and coordination.

I know it might sound silly but I'm really pround of myself that I was able to go to my first real aerobics class given that 20 months ago I couldn't even walk. I feel I have really achieved something today.

20 January 2006

2006-01-26T20:35:00.000-08:00

20 January 2006

We have been in Canberra since Christmas and only just returned home last Thursday. I have been working very hard since arriving in Melbourne. Actually, I did quite a bit of exercises even before we left Canberra for Melbourne because I knew it’s a long drive and by the time we get to Melbourne I probably wouldn’t bother going to the gym. I was right because I was quite exhausted by the time we got home.

I had physio with Gavin last Friday. It’s my first physio session with him this year and the first time I’ve seen him in three months. When I first got there, Rochelle, an exercise physiologist, greeted me and told me Gavin is still working on the ward but he wanted me to have another HiMAT test. The last test I had was back in August last year. Gavin said I should have a test every six months just to see how I’m progressing. The first test I had was February last year when I first went to Epworth for physio. In that test, I scored 6 out of 54. In August, my scored improved dramatically to 18. Rochelle set up a mini trampoline for me to do some running practice to warm up. I was feeling very stiff from sitting in the car for too long on the way back to Melbourne. I know I probably wouldn’t do very well in the test since I still cannot run or skip and is a bit rusty with the stairs as well. On the other hand, I was a bit worried that if I do too well in the test, Gavin will probably cut down on my physio sessions. He did mention in an email that his plan for me this year is to have a good gym program and wean physio over a period of time. I have to say that I didn’t try very hard in the test because I was feeling very stiff and I was also worried that he might consider reducing physio sessions straight away.

When Rochelle finished adding up, she didn’t show it to me but I could see it says 17 out of 54. I was a bit surprised because I was expecting much lower score. When Gavin came in and looked at the score, I told him I was having terrible problems with the stairs and I just can’t seem to be able to walking down the stairs without the rails anymore. I know I could do it a few months ago when I had my test last August. Gavin said it’s normal and I just need more practice with the stairs. He said what I’m doing is like skill acquisition and if I stop practising, I go backward because I haven’t got to a stage that I can retain the skill without practising yet. He said what I want to achieve is get to a stage that I won’t go backward even when I stop practising. It seems to make sense except I don’t know how long it will take for me to reach that stage. It’s a bit scary when I relate the sort of skill acquisition in walking to dacing or even playing tennis or golf. I know no matter how good a dancer you are, if you stop practising, you get rusty after a while. I think the same applies to tennis and golf players.

I went back to work on Monday after a long Christmas break. My case manager, the OT and I were supposed to have a meeting to set my plan for the next few weeks. When I turned up on Monday, I found out through my case manager that the OT has left and her company has assigned another OT on my case but he was away sick so we had to cancel the meeting. I was a bit annoyed by this because the OT obviously knew she was leaving prior to the Christmas break but didn’t say anything. In a way, I felt she wasted everyone’s time because it will take this new person a while to get to know my case. I was also a bit annoyed to find out from my case manager that they only allow a budget of $2,500 to start with and the OT has used about $2,000 so far. I guess she works like accountants do – she charges for her time. I asked my case manager what happens when the budget runs out. She told me when the budget runs out, my department will have to fund it. This is bad news. As one can imagine that every department will try not to overspend and ensure that they have enough budget for the whole year. I’m a bit concerned that this will make me an undesirable employee. I don’t understand how she could have spent so much time on this. So far, we had one meeting and she has written two reports which contained incorrect information. I know why there were a lot of mistakes in her report. I gave her a copy of my discharge summary from MECRS at our first meeting. There were many mistakes in that summary and I suspect she just copied from the summary.

I enrolled in a short course in Pilates and had my first class on Tuesday. I thought Pilates is probably good for me because it works the transverses abdominis which is a deep abdominal muscle that is also the core stabiliser of the trunk. Both Ruth and Prema think I have weak deep abdominals and that's apprent in my walking. When I enrolled, they told me there’re only 6 people in the class. I found out in my first session that there are 12 people enrolled in the class. Melissa, the pilates instructor seems nice but she was going through the exercises so quickly. I found it hard to follow so I wonder how other people in my class were doing. Since we were lying on the mats when we were doing the exercises I couldn’t really see what others were doing and if they had problem to keep up as well. I told Tim that I found it really difficult to keep up in the pilates class. He thinks it’s probably like dancing, many people find it very hard when they go to their first lesson and as they attend more classes they will find it easier. Maybe he is right. The pilates course goes for 5 weeks so I guess I’ll see how I go after the next couple of sessions.

6 January 2006

2006-01-05T19:27:00.000-08:00

First diary entry for the year! Tim and I went to the ANU gym on 3/1. It was the day the gym reopened after the Christmas break. I was a little bit disappointed with the equipment when we got there. I thought the equipment would be a lot nicer just from looking at the website. The gym reminds me of the horrible gym I went to with my friend a few months ago. I was surprised to find that the minimum weight on the leg press machine is 40 kg. I was a bit annoyed that there is no clear markings on the weights, it says 40/75 so I assume it's 40 kg. I'm not sure what the 75 was. The equipments are old and bulky and I even had difficulty adjusting them. Fortunately Tim was there with me so he was helping me with adjusting the seat/height. We were there for about an hour and I managed to do some strength training and some cardio exercises. This was the first time I went to the gym in about 10 days. The strange thing is I didn't feel tired at all while I was there and when Tim dragged me out of there I felt I could do another round of everything i just did. My muscles were really sore by the time we got home and I could barely walk.

We went to the gym again yesterday. I dicided that I'd try to go to the gym every second day instead of everyday because I can give the muscles a bit of rest in between. The gym was very crowded yesterday. Tim and I thought it was funny that we saw a couple of guys talking and hogging the machines on Tuesday and we saw them again yesterday and they were still talkin. Tim thought it was very funny when I asked him if some people go to the gym just to talk. I just thought that's a strange thing to do because every time I go to the gym I'm busy doing the exercises and I don't have time to talk.

When I was on a step machine, I noticed a woman who walked pass was walking a bit funny. She was talking to her friend but I noticed her walk was not quite normal. At first, I thought she had this hemiplegic gait (circumducting instead of swinging her affected leg) as well. I watched her very carefully for a while and noticed that one of her legs was covered in a skin colour stocking. The colour is almost exactly the same as the skin of her other leg so you can hardly notice it. I only noticed when she was doing some ab exercises on a fitball and I could see a little bit of crease on the stocking as she bends her knees. I suspect she has a prosthetic leg because when she straighten her knees, I could see that the two knees don't look the same and I could almost see the joint of the leg I suspect is an artificial one. I don't know if I have correctly spotted that because I thought if she'd be wearing long pants tpo cover it if she had a prosthetic leg.

Before I came to Canberra, I thought I had gotten over the ståge of feeling intimidated by people all the time. Now I feel I haven't actually quite got over that yet. I don't know if I'm being sensitive or the people in Canberra are particularly rude. I found that sometimes people on the street stared at me rudely when I'm limping. I found it strange that if I wear shorts and show my ankle bracce, people are more sympathetic because they often think i have a broken leg. However, if I wear jeans to cover my brace and wålk with a limp, it's not acceptable to people because I attract a lot of rude stares that wåy. I wonder if there was any studies done on this. Why is it more socially acceptable to have an orthopaedic injury but not an impairment caused by an ABI?

30 December 2005

2005-12-29T21:42:00.000-08:00

First diary entery since we've been in Canberra. We're in Canberra for Christmas and new year and also another couple of weeks in January while Tim runs his workshop.

I think my body really misses going to the gym. The last time I went to the gym was before it closed for Christmas on 22 December so I haven't been for 8 days now. I am getting a bit worried that my physical condition will deteriorate by the time I go back to Melbourne. The Melbourne Uni gym is not open till 3rd January anyway so even if I was in Melbourne, I wouldn't be able to go anyway. Tim has hired a stepper for me and also bought a few simple exercise equipment for me to use while I can't go to a gym. The living room at Helen and Mal's place is like a mini gym now with stepper, dumb bells and a sit up bench lying around.

I guess I have achieved another landmark on the day after the Boxing Day. I went bushwalking! It's the first time I went bushwalking since my operation. Jamie, Tim's brother, Christella and their 4 kids, Eleni, Nicholas, Yani and Olivia invited us to joing them for their annual Christmas bushwalk. They were very thoughtful in picking a walking trail that's not too impossible for me. They picked Yankee Hat Walking Trail in the Namadgi National Park. It is rated as 6.5 km return. I think going as a group has definitely helped. Tim was surprised that I didn't whinge at all. Christella was well organised and had prepared all the lunch for us so we had a bit of break before continuing on the second part of the journey. Where we stopped for lunch was probably the only part of this trail that had some trees for shelter because most of the trail is just grassland. After lunch, Jamie said I could stay there if I didn't feel like walking to the cave where the Aboriginal rock art is and Christella would stay back with me. He said there is not much shelter after this point so if I decide that I can't continue on later, I'd have to come back here for shelter. I thought about it and decided that I'd push on since I was already 1/3 of the way there.

The rest of the walk was not exactly easy - I had to hold on to Tim or Christella for balance a lot of the time. I don't think it took us that long to get to the Aboriginal Rock Art. At least I didn't think I was over tired. We rested at the spot for some refreshment Christella had prepared for us and then headed back. Walking back was a little more challenging because there was more downhill walking and also my legs were getting tired. It was Lillian's first experienceof bushwalking as well although she stayed in the backpack that Tim was carrying most of the time. She was quite happy to stay in the backpack on Tim's back. There were many kangaroos along the way and when she saw them, she said "zhege klo klo". She can't really say kangaroo yet so she called them klo klo. "Zhege" means this one in Mandarin. She often mixes up between Mandarin and English and would put a mixture of the two languages in a sentence.

I was very glad when we got back to the carpark. I felt a great sense of achievement. Last Christmas I was still walking with a stick and this year I went bushwalking!

22 December 2005

2005-12-21T20:10:00.000-08:00

First diary entry for almost one month. I have been very busy lately. Have returned to work on 28 November 2005. I’m currently on this graduated return to work program and is expected to work 4 hours a day, one day per week. The plan is to increase to two days a week from week three. However, I managed to get my doctor to tell the OT that two days a week is a bit much for me. Ruth, my physio at Epworth while Gavin is on leave, also told the OT that I’m currently doing some intensive gym work three times a week and working two days would make me too tired at this stage.

A few updates. Someone from the Stroke Foundation came to visit me about sensory retraining. They are currently doing a research on sensory retraining and I put my name done a while ago. Sandy, the OT, who is working on the research, contacted me and told me that they only want volunteers who had stroke at this stage. She came out to see me anyway just to tell me how the new technique they’re using works. Normally, the participant would have 8 weeks of training using this new method. When she tested me, she said my sensory deficit is too mild anyway and even if I had a stroke, they wouldn’t include me in the study. Sandy said a big part of the study is on proprioception (knowing where your limbs are in space) and I don’t seem to have any impairment in that area. One interesting I found is that the new method emphasise on ‘comparison’. I told her Rosemary used to take a box of goodies and got me to guess what they were. This was suggested by the OT at MECRS. Sandy said it’s actually better if I prepare the items in the box myself so I know what to expect. More importantly, she said the to start with, I should try to feel the difference – such as different textures of fabrics, different sizes of coins, different surfaces.

Another news is that I had my last personal training session with Mary yesterday. She has decided to leave personal training for a while and is finishing up tomorrow. In a way, I was happy that she is leaving because I only have one session left (after yesterday) and it makes it easier for me not to continue. I think she knows that I will not continue – when you go to the gym every day, you really don’t need a personal trainer. I think it was a good way to start anyway. I don’t think six months ago I would go to the gym on my own because of fear and intimidation. I don’t feel so intimidated now except when the gym staff stands there and stare at me or come up to me and ask if I need any help. I had this gym staff come up to me when I was doing the lats pull down. She asked me if I noticed that my right side (back muscle) was so much bulkier than the left side and seemed to be doing a lot more work. I told her I had left side hemiplegia and is still undergoing rehab. She didn’t know what hemiplegia was so I had to explain to her. I think the gym staff there are generally nice and some are probably curious what happened to me since I’m there all the time and I’m always limping.

23 November 2005

2005-11-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

I have been going to the gym on a regular basis. Tim and I went there together on Saturday morning before picking Lillian up from my parents' place. I visited the gym 4 times last week - twice with the personal trainer and twice with Tim. Monday was the first time I went by myself. I think although the personal training sessions I had with Mary haave not been as affective as I'd hoped but at least I got used to going to the gym and now I find going there by myself is not so daunting. I don't think I felt as self-concious as I previously felt. I have to admit one thing I don't like about the gym these days is that they are building aa new roof and the scaffolding bloked the rails and the wall. This means I don't have anything to hold on to when I go up or down the steps at the entrance of the gym. Going there is not so much of a problem but when I go home, I must walk down the stairs without anything to hold on to which is a bit tricky especially when I'm feeling quite exhausted. I went there again this morning, the 3rd consecutive day. I had personal training with Mary this morning and I went there 30 minutes earlier and did a lot of cardio exercises before my session with her. By the time I went to see her, I was drenched in sweat already. I think this is a more effective workout for me. Otherwise, she doesn't work me very hard in the session and I walk away with a false sense of security - that I have worked enough because I had personal training. I met up with Neil after my gym session and he walked me home. i told him I was really happy to see him there today (I'm always happy to see him anyway) because I needed a bit of help to walk down those steps when there's nothing to hold on to.

Neil had to go back to his office to finish marking students papers and I was in a hurry to go out to lunch so we didn't have much time talking. I caught up with my colleagues at a cafe near work. The place is on Mt Alexander Road and I had to do this dreaded parallel parking in front of the cafe or there's nowhere else to park. After two failed attempts, I realised there was a spot a bit further away that I didn't need to reverse in and parked there. I was lucky that I could find such a spot but it also made me realise I need more practice on reverse parking.

I had an appointment with John Olver, the rehab specialist at Epworth, on Monday afternoon. I wish I never had the meeting with him. The first thing he said to me when I sat down was 'I know your husband wants you to have a 100% recovery but we really can't guarantee that and it's unlikely you'll fully recover.' I really don't see the point of telling me this. I didn't even ask him a question and this is what he said. I felt like telling him I don't want 100% recovery I want 120% recovery.
I don't really know the function of a rehab specialist because it seems to me all they do is feeding the patients with negative ideas and prognosis. I think in some ways I have recovered more than 100%. For example, I couldn't really cook before and we were having takeaways at least once a week and dined with my parents once a week. I'm cooking a lot more than before and is game enough to make something that's more complicated. In my mind, that's more than 100% recovery. I remember the kitchen stool I borrowed from MECRS when I first came home from the hospital and that's long gone now. In the beginning, I couldn't stand for a long period of time while doing all the preparations and to use the kitchen stool for little rests. I haven't had the need for the stool for a long time now. To me, from being unable to sit up from the bed by myself to standing in the kitchen for long period of time cooking is a big improvement. If only John can see the difference, who cares about what he thinks. Besides, they will almost always get it wrong anyway. The specialist at MECRS told me I may never be lift up my left arm above my head and the physio there predicted it would take me 2 to 5 years to drink a cup of tea with my left hand. Thanks to Neil and Rosemary that I can do both in less than 18 months. It's very hard not to have bitchy thoughts sometimes. I felt like asking John if he has a mother or a wife or a daughter and if this has happened to one of them would he still say the same thing to them.

18 November 2005

2005-11-17T19:22:00.000-08:00

First diary entry for the week! I think I'm in panic mode at the moment - counting down the number of days before I go back to work. From today, I only have 9 days left before i go back to work - on a graduated basis. I'm really worried that I won't have enough energy to do rehab work or even go to the gym.

Tim and I joined the gym last week and for the first time, we went to the gym together last Saturday morning while Lillian was with my parents. I remember Gavin told me it's good to warm up with some cardio exercises and finish off with cardio exercises to make me feel I have worked. We started with the step machine and then my gym program. I don't really have a gym program yet and I was just going by my memory - something i did in personal training. Going to the gym with Tim made me realise how inadequate my personal trainings have been. Tim kept telling me to hurry up while I was on the machine. He said people do the exercises quickly and then they move on to the next and they come back and do everything again. Due to my mobility problem, I find it difficult to get on and off the machines and it takes me more time to move from one machine to another. Tim kept hassling me and asking me what next whenever I just finished with one machine. I had to think hard for the next machine. It also made me realise that I didn't do very much in personal trainings because I ran out of exercises very quickly. After the 'gym program', we finished off with the ellipticals. Tim found two machines side by side so we could do it together. He set the machines to 30 minutes except I felt like stopping after about 5 minutes. He wouldn't let me get off and pushed me right through the 30 minutes. For the first time, I felt knackered after a gym session. It made me realise how unfit I have been and I think personal training gives me a false sense of security - I felt because I went to personal trainings already so I didn't need to do as much at home. I think Gavin is right in saying that I don't need a personal trainer, I just need a good gym program. He said if I really want, he can recommend another personal trainer who has more experience with brain injuries but the Melbourne Uni gym has an exclusive contract with the personal training group Mary belongs to and wouldn't let me bring my own trainer so I have to ditch that idea.

I also found Ruth, the physio who is treating me in Gavin's absence, is not bad at all. She found that the reason I still can't run is because I still have a lot of weakness in the hip flexors - which help in lifting up the leg high so she has written up an exercise program for me to do at home. I noticed in my physio session on Tuesday, she got my file out and was writing copious notes as I was doing my exercises. I commented that I've never seen anyone writing notes in physio. She said she's writing down notes so she can compare my progress from week to week to see if the exercises are affective. She looked at my gait on Tuesday as well and was trying to correct it for me. It's a bit depressing to find that there are still so many things wrong with my gait. It made me wonder why Gavin never mentioned it before. It reminded me of when Tim and I were training for ballroom dancing. We had this Latin dance teacher who gave us this really facy Samba routine. Samba is probably one of the harder Latin dance to master and it really requires good Latin basic or it just looks terrible. For a while, Tim and I had this wonderfully fancy dance routine but we looked terrible because we never grasped the basic. I told Tim that it made me feel Gavin is a bit like that dance teacher we had, he got me to do a lot of high mobility stuff like running, jumping and bounding. I was threw into the deep end with all the running practice. I think it has definitely helped me in walking faster. I know it will probably take me a while to fine tune everything. I think Ruth has made me realise that I need to revisit the basics and have a more solid foundation of basics - such as core stabilities and strengthening of certain muscle groups before I can improve on the 'style' of walking and running.

10 November 2005

2005-11-09T21:10:00.000-08:00

I have been feeling quite tired ever since my meeting at the office on Monday. In fact, I was so stressed out about returning to work and I couldn't sleep on Monday night. I have felt so anxious since I left chartered accounting firms. I was just worried if i go back to full time work I won't have time for rehabiliation. I was glad that I spoke to my GP about this right after the meeting because i think Alana tried to contact all the relevant people after the meeting. After speaking with my GP, she agreed to put me on 4 hours a day and one day per week for 2 weeks and then increase it to 2 days a week from the 3rd week. I have also contacted my case manager, Jo, about my concern when she mentioned that they're trying to get me back full time in 3 months. She said on average it takes people 3 months to return to full time work but it's ok if it takes me longer. They will be in contact with my doctor to work out what's the best for me. I feel a bit relieved after that.

I panicked so much on Monday so I also emailed Gavin to find out what's my physio plan for next year to see if my return to work plan will interfere. I was surprised that he replied straight away. He indicated that the plan is to wind down my physio to once a week and then once fortnightly over the next 3 months. He said I need to have a very good gym program so he's emailed to various people to organise it for me. When I went to physio on Tuesday, Ruth had a chat with me. She is a bit concerned that I have nobody to advocate for me in respect of returning to work. That's true and I always thought ATO Health and Safety or my case manager should be on my side but then again they might be acting for the employer rather than the employee. I was getting a bit suspicious after my Monday meeting. I found out about ATO Health and Safety from my insurance company. They found out the contact for me through an OT and advised me to get in touch with this person. Their agenda is obviously to get me to go back to work so they can reduce their cost. Tim thinks they are just trying to help but after what I have been through I don't think I'll trust anyone,especially not the insurance company. Ruth said they probably won't start reducing my physio until early next year. She also set up a home exercise program for me to work on my hips and abs. She said it's difficult for me to run because I can't lift up my left leg high enough and it's because of weakness in my hip flexors. She is going to contact the Melbourne Uni gym manager for me to see if I can bring my own personal trainer - the one that Gavin recommends.

I just discovered something very odd on the weekend. I remember last year I attended a series of upper limb sessions at MECRS and they talked about sensory retraining in one of the sessions. Apparently it's common for people who had sensory loss in their hands, they also loose the ability to tell the tempature. The first thing I did after I got home from the session was to test whether I could feel the tempature by dipping my hand in cold and then in hot water. I was glad to find out that I could. I never thought about this until on Saturday I cut up some pineapple for Lillian. The pineapple had been in the fridge so it's cold. When she picked up a piece, she obviously felt the cold but didn't know what it is. We have taught her about hot so she doesn't burn herself in the bath - if she thinks the bath is too hot she'd let us know. We haven't taught her about cold so she obviously felt the tempature but didn't know what it was. I think this also proves that senses are in a way, learnt. I picked up a piece of pineapple with my left hand and told her it's not hot, it's cold. I just realised at this point that I couldn't actually feel the cold in my finger tips. I was so shocked and started trying different spot and found out that I couldn't feel the cold with my finger tips but I could feel it on the back of my fingers. Maybe that's how I could feel the tempature by dipping my hand in the water. I don't know what this means in terms of my chance of full recovery. I also tested out with a hot cup of tea and found that I could definitely tell something is hot from the finger tips.

I went to MECRS to see Dale, the social worker, this morning. I saw him a few months ago at the carpark of Bakly Square and told him I'd drop in to say hello but he was still on long service leave and was due back in October. I have forgotten about this until yesterday and so I called him and told him I'd drop by on my way to Barkly Square. I parked right outside the hydro pool - somewhere I used to park when I attended the self-help hydro group. There is a staircase that leads to the building where Dale's office is but I've never been that way before. It felt very strange to be there again but this time just a visitor, not a patient. I was a bit worried that I might bump into some people I don't want to see. Fortunately, I didn't see any of them. Dale was still busy when I turned up at the door so he grabbed a chair and told me to sit down for a while. I didn't recognise anyone else in that office but I guess the OT and the physio in the home based team tend to rotate after a few months. On our way to the cafe, Dale said he'd go and let Kerry know that I'm here. Kerry is the OT who helped me when I first got home. She was the one that took me on my first grocery shopping trip after my operation. She was really surprised to see me. Both of them were commenting on how much taller I look now. Dale explained that I seem to be standing taller and straighter and also walking taller. I wonder if it has anything to do with the walking stick. I may have leaned on the stick too much in the past and that made me look shorter. Dale mentioned that Fary (the rehab specialist) said hello to me and Tim. He must have told her about my visit. That's nice of her but I'm not sure if I'm ready to say hello back. I still have a lot of anger over how I was treated there. Dale suggested that we take a short cut to the cafe - I have seen the physios going that way to get coffees but I've never ventured out that way myself. It's a narrow stairway with rails on the left. I had to use the wall for balance when I was going down. I know I could go down even without touching the wall with the finger tips of my right hand but it's a bit quicker and safer when i do. Even so,they were both so impressed by this. I guess when I first left MECRS back in March I was still using the walking stick and that's how they remember me. After the stairs, there is this uneven ground off the footpath that leads to the cafe. No wonder I've never been that way, it would have been too difficult for me. Dale reminded what I was like when he took me to CERES for the first time - even with a stick, I was very scared by the uneven ground. When we sat down, Dale mentioned I'm a good study for the ward. I didn't understand what he meant. He said they had a lot of problem dealing with me but he thinks they should be able to deal with any kind of people. Apparently they had problem with me because they felt I didn't tell them everything. I told Dale it's not in my nature to be blunt so even when I was unhappy I didn't tell them. Apparently, they didn't know how to deal with that. That episode just seemed so far away from me now. As we were talking, Dale said he noticed that my hand is recovering really well because as I was talking, I was using it more. That's interesting, I didn't know I was using my left hand gesturing. I guess that must be a good sign. He asked me if i have an exercise program for the hand at Epworth. I told him I have been mainly working on high mobility stuff such as running. He's surprised that my hand improved even without a program. I guess I have been using my hand a lot more these days - typing up the blog, cooking gourment meals such as wrapping up various ingredients with proscuittos and sometimes I pick up things from supermarket shelves with my left hand. I told him my biggest problem at the moment is not being able to look after Lillian such as taking her to or picking her up from the childcare and I wish there is an OT who can help me learn to do this. He said he can enquire for me to see if I can have physio at Epworth but still access their service. He said there is some change to the funding system so they may be able to do this for me.

7 November 2005

2005-11-06T19:05:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention in my previous blog that there was an incident last week when Tim and I went to the cinema. We were waiting for Paul and Claudia so Tim suggested we go to the cafe and wait in there. As we were walking to our table, I noticed a lady from the next table was staring at me. I didn't actually take much notice on the way she was looking at me but she must have been pretty rude because Tim actually told her off. I think it must have been the first time that Tim has come to my defence. I must admit I didn't notice she was being particularly rude. Maybe I'm just used to people's stare now.

I had another landmark achievement on the weekend. I went to the grocery stores on Saturday and it was the first time I went without a trolley. I had a bag of scallops and prawns in my left hand and I had to carry a busket with my left hand so I could pick the fruit and vegies with my right hand. I then carried one bag in each hand to the car. This is the first time I've done it. I normally put everything in the trolley but I've already visited the supermarket on Friday night so I didn't bother getting a trolley. One thing I told Prema that I want to be able to do is be able to carry shopping bags and walk. I think this is just the first step.

I had a meeting at the office with Peter,my manager, Jo, my case manager of return to work program and Alana, an OT contracted by the ATO, this morning. It's the first time I had to wear my business suit since the operation. I thought about wearing my gym wear but then I thought it would make me look too unprofessional and a meeting like that I need people to take me seriously.

I was quite anxious this morning just trying to get ready and put on some makeup. I wasn't going to put on any foundation but for some strange reason I had rashes all over my face so i had to put on some foundation just to cover the rashes. My meeting was at 10 a.m. and by the time I was ready, it was already 9.35 a.m. Fortunately, there was not much traffic on the road so I got there just in time. I parked at the carpark right next to the office, somewhere I used to park when I went to work. I was quite surprised that the parking attendant still remembers me and he said when I start working again, he can reserve a spot for me right next to the entrance so I don't have to walk that far.

When I got to the entrace of the building I stopped at the revolving door for a moment and thought about how to step into the door in time without being hit or caught. I missed a couple of time but I caught the third one was in. I still have a buillding pass so the security guy at the front desk told me to put it on so he doesn't need to issue me a building pass. Alana, the OT, was already there. She said she's waiting for Peter and Jo. It's really strange being there after all this time. The place changed a lot from the renovation.

Jo turned up a few minutes later. She looks a lot different from what I expected. I thought she'd be younger. I know from the email she sent me that she'd booked a room on the ground floor but she doesn't know where the room is and she thought I might know.

Finally, Peter turned up. I haven't worked with Peter before. I know he specialises in motor vehicles and prior to GST came in, he used to work in Luxury Car Tax. They put me in Peter's team because apparently they go out a lot less than other teams.

The meeting went on for over an hour. Basically, Alana was running it. She was setting up plans for me such as the number of hours per day and the number of days per week. The first week I will work two days a week and 4 hours per day. This will go on for 3 weeks and then it will be increased to 3 days a week. I told them that I will need to fit in physio and gym as well. Alana doesn't think I need that much physio, I should know better, given that she used to work at MECRS. I told them that my phsio thinks I will still need treatment for at least another 12 months and i don't think I can go back full time in the short term. Jo said they cannot stretch out the program for so long, they are hoping I can return in 3 months. I asked Peter if it's a problem if I just want to work part-time. He said he doesn't know because there are procedures for this and he will need to consult with higher authority and apparently it's quite complicated. In the end, Jo suggested that I try it out first and see how I go. I felt really tired after the meeting and the thouht of going back to work sort of stresses me out. I think Tim is right. He said my life is cosy because I spend most of my time doing my hobby - cooking and reading recipes, and I do a little bit of exercises. The danger of having a cosy life is that I might become lazy.

I felt really tired and stressed when I got home. The thought of no time to do rehab stresses me out. I then thought life is too short to worry about this. I guess if I can't drag out the time to stay part-time, I could probably return on a full time basis and then ask to become permanent part-time. I guess it's their job to get me back to work but it's not their job to see I have a full recovery.

4 November 2005

2005-11-03T19:17:00.000-08:00

This is the first diary entry for a while. I have been so busy with Tim's BASs and tax return in the past few weeks. Fortunately, they are all finished now. Technically, I shouldn't mention that I have been helping with Tim's accounts because if I'm well enough to do those, the insurance company would think I'm well enough to return to work. One thing I always remind Tim is that he is so lucky to have me helping him with the accounts, I remember doing the accounts and BASs for him at MECRS a month after my surgery. I couldn't even walk back then yet I managed to drag myself out of bed and sitting in my wheelchair, typing with one finger on my laptop and finished the accounts and BASs for him. I cannot guarantee the accuracy of the accounts but at least they were done.

I had physio at Epworth this morning. I had a pretty good session with Ruth. I must say I have been feeling a bit depressed about my progress lately. I felt I haven't made much progress ever since Gavin went on leave. I had a different physio on Wednesday because Ruth wasn't there and I felt terrible(emotionally) after my session. I only had 45 minutes session there because the physio claimed I was there early anyway. I think changing physio is as bad as changing accountant. I remember when I worked in accounting firms, it usually took a while to get to know the client's business and tidy up their accounts or system. It's very hard to work with a physio who doesn't know my situation. I remeber telling Tim after my Wednesday session that I'll probably never run again.

Today's session with Ruth was much better. She said she's spoke with Gavin and he told her that she needs to push me harder over the next 2-3 months. She's decided to let me wear my ankle brace so she can work me harder without the risk of injuring my ankle. I asked her if that's going to prevent me from running without a brace in future. She said it shouldn't. I think after speaking with Gavin, she just wants to get me to run first and then worrying about running without the brace.

I'm not sure what 2-3 months means because I thought he is only away for 2 months. I'm not sure if this means he won't be treating me anymore. Someone was telling Gary the other day that Gavin has applied for some research grant and will probably only work part time next year. He is probably trying to offload his patients so he can get on with his research. I think I have taken him for granted after a while. I thought all the physios at Epworth are good but now I realised he is exceptionally good and it's very hard to find another physio like him.

Ruth got me to practice on the trampoline for a while. I know I need to concentrate on lifting up the left leg higher, land on my toes and stay shorter on my left leg but I can't do all three things at once so I asked her if I can just focus on one thing at a time but she said all those are important so I can't really practice them in isolation. She then got me to run on the floor in the hallway. It's very quiet today so we had a clear runway. Chris, an exercise physiologist, walked pass and Ruth asked him for his opinion. She said Chris is also a running expert. He watched me running a few times and then Ruth sent me back on the trampoline. I don't know what he thought of my running because they were discussing about me in a different room and I couldn't hear them. He then watched me running on the trampoline and told Ruth something which I didn't really catch. He then went away and came back with a sling attached to some kind of theraband and belt. I don't know what it's called and I don't know what it's supposed to do until they put it on me. Since I have problem lifting me left leg up high enough, by using this apparatus, it helps me to lift up my left leg. In fact, it's actually hard to keep my left leg down when this is on me.

He also told me that I have to keep my trunk upright when I run because I have a tendency to bend over. I think I'm going to practise running in front of a mirror at home.

I must say I'm feeling a lot more positive after my physio session today - a feeling I haven't had since Gavin went on leave. I think with the help from Ruth and Chris, I should be able to run.

Something I should mention is that my personal trainer, Mary, has just updated her profile recently. I noticed that she is now also experienced in rehabilitation and 'neural' exercise therapy. She explained to me that she also has another client who has neuro disease but she insists it's not in a bad way. I'm not sure what neuro disease her other client has. I was very tempted to ask her if it's MS or Parkinsons. I just thought it's funny how she put 'neural' exercise therapy instead of 'neurological' exercise therapy. I suspect it might be because when I told her about neuro (short for neurological) physio, she thought it's neural. I sometimes feel a bit guilty for not pointing this out to her but then again if someone who is looking for a personal trainer who specialises in neuro, they probably shouldn't go to someone who specialises in 'neural'.

I have been feeling a bit unhappy with Mary for a while but unfortunately, I just found out from the gym manager a few days ago that I cannot bring my own trainer to the gym because the gym has an exclusive contract with the personal training group there. I was hoping that I can try out the trainer Gavin mentioned and if he is good, I might swap my trainer. Tim thinks I'm using Mary for the wrong purpose because she is not meant to be a physio. I know she is not a physio but for someone who claims to be an exercise physiologist and personal trainer, she should know her muscles pretty well. I had an argument with her about calves and tib ante (tibialis anterior) yesterday. She put me on this machine to work out my calf a few weeks ago and she told me it's working the gastrocnemius, which is the most prominent calf muscle in the leg and it's the one I need for running and jumping. I didn't suspect anything until I spoke to Ruth and realised that I was working on soleus, not gastroc. I told Mary about this but she blamed her team leader, Mike, for this. She said she always gets confused which machine works the gastroc and which one works the soleus and he was the one who told her this machine works the gastroc. I thought it should be easy to remember because the machine that works the gastroc, you have to do it standing with straight knees and the one that works the soleus has to be done in sitting with flexed knees. It's easy to remember because you must bend your knee to stretch the soleus and straighten the knee to stretch the soleus. I got a bit annoyed with Mary when she told me she wanted me to work on the soleus because it can help me with heel strike when I'm walking. She said when I walk I tend to land on my toe instead of heel on the left foot. I told her I think it's tib ante that does it because I need to dorsiflex to get a heel strike. She was trying to tell me that it's the soleus that does it and I had to tell her that it's the tib ante that does the dorsiflexion. I appreciate that she takes notes of my gait but when she started talking rubbish, it just really irritated me. I think I might be a difficult case for her because most of her clients would probably believe her and she can just say whatever and wouldn't even question her. I took interests in learning all these because initially, I didn't trust the staff and MECRS and later on, I just found it interesting.

21 October 2005

2005-10-21T01:04:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the morning feeling really tired. I only had massage and didn’t do much exercise yesterday so I suspect it’s the accounting work that tired me out. I’m still madly trying to finish all the accounts, BASs and tax return for Tim. I hate being an accountant!

I went to my usual physio session at Epworth. Ruth was not there when I got in the physio treatment room. I didn’t think it matters very much because I know what I have to do anyway. Gary came in in his electric wheelchair. He has been assigned to Elise while Gavin is away. I think Elise hasn’t been there for very long, probably only 3 or 4 months. She reminds me of Abby from NCIS ( a TV show on ten). I know she worked at Caulfield Medical Centre before she came to Epworth. I never asked her what’s that place like. Actually, I don’t think I’ve ever spoken to her. Maybe it’s the fact that she worked at Caulfield Medical Centre somehow puts me off because Fary Khan, my consultant at MECRS, is also a consultant there.

I started with my walking practice in front of a mirror and Ruth came in when I started to wonder what I should do next. She said she found my exercise card. Apparently Gavin has written up my program on it except I’ve never seen it before. Ruth showed me the card and it’s just my arm and shoulder exercises. She said sometimes in physio sessions the physios concentrate too much on the legs and neglected the arms. I think that’s quite true. She suggested that I spend about 15-20 minutes doing those exercises on a physio bed first and then I can do my running practice. She set me up on a physio bed and handed me a 1.5kg dumb bell. I told her I thought I should use the 1 kg dumb bell. She said Gavin must have upgraded it to1.5kg because that’s written on my exercise card. Damn, my plot didn’t quite work! My arm was still very sore from yesterday’s massage and my triceps feel really tight so I thought maybe I’ll take it easy for a few days. No such luck!

I noticed the room was actually very quiet without Gavin. Gary was chatty as usual but not very loud. Elise was speaking very softly and I could hardly hear her. I didn’t have to put up with the ‘background radio’ while doing my shoulder exercises. I had to take little breaks between sets because my triceps were really sore. I remembered what Judy told me yesterday so I thought I’d better do some stretches as well. The only way I can stretch my triceps is doing it against the wall. As I was doing the stretches, Ruth came in to check on me. I told her I was just trying to stretch my triceps and she told me to lie down on the bed and she’ll help me to do that. As she was helping me to do the stretches, she noticed that my triceps were very tight. She also commented that I have very long armsw and told me to move up the bed and also to the edge of the bed so she can stretch it out more. I know I have very long arms but I didn’t realise that until I was training for ballroom dancing with Tim. I think our coach pointed out that my arms are much longer than Tim’s. I told Ruth that I just saw my orthopaedics on Monday and he said my shoulder is doing well. She looked a bit confused so I had to explain to her that I was referred to the orthopaedics because I had subluxed shoulder. She asked me which rehab hospital did I go after my operation and how long was I an in patient for. I told her I was at MECRS for 10 weeks. She asked me what did I think of the physios there. I didn’t know what to say but now I know the health care industry is not as bitchy as the accounting firms I had to be diplomatic about this. I thought for a moment and told her that the physios there were very gentle and it’s probably because most of the patients there are elderly. She said yes, Epworth is quite unusual because it tends to get a lot more younger patients and there is a difference on how you treat the elderly patients. Just from doing the stretches she said my shoulder is actually pretty good. Gary was also saying that in the background. I thought maybe I could ask Prema to help me stretch out my shoulder every time I see her. I know it’s probably not enough but it’s better than nothing.

After the arm stretches, Ruth noticed that I still haven’t done two of the exercises on the card so she sent me back to finish those before my running practice.

My arm was feeling very heavy by the time I got on the trampoline. When I was doing my running practice, the ‘background radio’ was switch on. I could hear Elise and Gary talking about pays. Elise was complaining that they don’t get paid very well and Gary was saying that they should get paid more. I have no idea how much physios get paid because I’ve never had any physio or allied health clients. I would hate to think that they get paid less than accountants or even worse, financial planners. After months of treatment at Epworth, I really admire what the physios do for people and I have a lot of respect for them. I hate to think that they get paid less than financial planners. But then again, most people don’t get paid as well as financial planners because most people don’t work on commission basis. I remember many years ago, I went to a seminar for financial planners and the car park was full of Mercedes and BMWs. I remember a collegue of mine was really impressed by that and said you can tell how successful they are by the sort of cars they drive. A very shallow comment. Thinking about this reminds me of the movie “American Beauty’. I remember the character Carolyn Burnham, played by Annette Bening, who is a realestate agent, said ‘to be successful, you have to be perceived to be successful’. I know that’s the reason why many chartered accountants drive luxury cars. One of the partners in the last accounting firm I worked for was like that. He has a holiday house in Sorrento, drives a BMW four wheel drive, sends kids to private schools but in reality, was deep in debt. He had to borrow to fund his lifestyle. I have to say that I chose to study financial planning because I found it interesting but I was disgusted by it after I found out how the industry operates. I guess I’m just a little upset to find out that physios don’t get paid very well when I think they have done a lot more for me than a financial planner would ever have. Another point to mention is that I read a survey on the Internet the other day and the Americans think the most respectable jobs are: fire fighters, doctors, nurses and teachers. The least respectable jobs are realestate agents, financial planners and accountants. I’m not surprised by this at all.

Ruth came to check on me and got me to try to run on land. She thinks I’m doing better but I think it’ll be a while yet before I can master this. I remember it took me a while to be able to jump onto my right foot because it involves pushing off my left leg. When I first started, Gavin used to get me jump off a box and eventually I can push off through my left leg.

17-20 October 2005

2005-10-19T23:30:00.000-07:00

I feel quite guilty that I haven’t updated my diary for a few days. The truth is I have been extremely busy these days. Tim’s BASs and tax return are due pretty soon and I somehow have to fit in my physios, personal trainings, massage and grocery shopping as well. There is only so much time in a day and I hate to think what it would be like when I start working again.

I had three sessions of personal training this week – Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. It all started quite well on Monday and as time went on, it started to go downhill again. I had doubt in my mind whether I should continue personal training last week and is quite keen to try out this other personal trainer recommended by Gavin. When I went to the gym on Monday, I wasn’t expecting much because I didn’t think the last few sessions I had with Mary were very good. To make the situation worse, I always feel I’ve been short changed in the session. One of the things I’ve picked up from many years of working in accounting firms is that I tend to notice how much time I spend in meetings so I know who to charge to when doing my time sheets. I noticed that my personal training sessions have been cut short lately. I always make sure I’m there on time but sometimes Mary arrived late so we started late but I found she always finished early so I didn’t actually get my 60 minutes workout. I know it makes me sound a bit petty but I just don’t like feeling that I’ve been taken for granted. Mary was away from last Wednesday night and she arranged for me to have a session with another trainer, Ann-Marie. I had a session with her in the past and I think sometimes it’s good to have a change and I was able to convey message to Mary from Ann-Marie. Basically, I told Ann-Marie the exercises Mary set me were too easy and I asked her if that’s what’s usually the case in personal training. I think She must have told Mary about this because sine then Mary has changed my program a bit to make them harder. When I had the session with Ann-Marie last week, I found that I had the full hour.

When I went there on Monday, Mary was in a really good mood. Maybe it’s because she just got back from her break. Over the months that I worked with her, I found her mood varied a lot. There were days that she was really enthusiastic but there were also days that she was a bit slack and just wanted to finish our session early. I know I should not compare her with Gavin because she is not meant to be a physio but I think Gavin is a lot more consistent and I don’t have to put up with his mood swings. I thought about how to tell Mary that this is just not working for me but when she was all nice and enthusiastic on Monday, I just couldn’t tell her. I had a pretty good session on Monday.

I had an appointment with my orthopaedics, Martin Richardson, on Monday afternoon. I know he has a habit of running late so I was taking my time in getting there (by taxi). While I was sitting there waiting, I picked up some trashy magazine and read something interesting (at least I thought its interesting). The heading is Jessica Simpson’s Daisy Duke workout. Apparently she had a personal trainer to work with her for two hours a day to get the figure. When I looked at her exercises, I was surprised to find that some of them are similar to the ones I used to do when I first started personal training such as squats against the wall and step back onto a step and down. I found it pretty hard to believe if that’s all she did because I found those exercises not intense enough for me after a while and I get better results by using gym equipments. I was surprised that Martin was pretty early today – I only had to wait for half an hour as opposed to the normal one hour. He checked my shoulder and again was happy with my progress. I told him that I still cannot do a full abduction with my left arm. Again, he said it’s to do with strength. I asked him if he was sure because I couldn’t do that in the pool where there is no gravity. He ordered some X-ray for my shoulder just to be sure. Apparently I could just do it downstairs and come back with the film later. About half an hour later, I came back with the film. Now I know why he is always running behind schedule – he has to fit in those patients who go for a scan or x-ray again. In a way, it’s like double booking some patients.
Martin looked at the films and told me that my shoulder is all fine. This is more reassuring than just telling me without looking at the films. He said I need to build more strength in my shoulder. I guess that means I need to work out more at the gym.

Tuesday was a busy day for me. I had personal training in the morning, physio in the afternoon and grocery shopping after that. In that personal training session, I worked mainly on the arm and the shoulder. In the afternoon, I went to Epworth for physio. I got there just before 1 pm and the physio treatment room was still closed so we all had to wait in the hallway. Megan, another patient of Gavin’s, was in her electric wheelchair waiting. I have seen her around before but haven’t actually spoken to her before. I started talking to her and found out that she’s only been here for four weeks. I didn’t ask her what happened to her because I know how annoying it is for me when someone asks me that. I thought she will also be treated by Ruth, another physio, but she told me she will see Sarah.

The physios came back from their lunch break around 1 p.m. so we could all get in the treatment room. I started with someone walking practice while I was waiting for Ruth. When Ruth turned up, she told me there has been some reallocation of cases and she won’t be treating me but instead, I’ll have Katie instead. She then introduced me to Katie. Katie seems nice but I wonder if she has enough experience. I haven’t seen her before and somehow she reminded me of Emily, the junior physio who treated me when I first got to MECRS. I think there must be some reallocation because Megan has Katie as well. I continued on with running practice on the mini trampoline but was a bit annoyed with all the change and started to wonder if there is any point for me to go to physio there at all. I wonder if I should just increase my personal trainings and skip physios until Gavin comes back I was thinking maybe I should just send Gavin an email and let him know that there is no point for me to waste my time while he is away and I can continue with physio when he returns. Just as I was thinking about this, Ruth came in and told me that she has just spoken to Gavin and he wanted her to continue working with me instead of allocating me to Katie. I felt more relieved. I noticed that the treatment room was a lot quieter when Gavin is away. When he is around, the treatment room is always crowded. I don’t know how he does it but he can actually treat a few patients at the same time. Maybe this is due to experience or perhaps he is just very efficient. I couldn’t help but thinking he is such a ‘cash cow’ (in marketing terms) for the Epworth Hospital. My accountant brain just couldn’t stop ticking. I don’t know how many hours he actually works there but say it’s a standard 8 hours day with one hour lunch break. If he sees two patients per session (a conservative estimate), that will be 14 patients a day. I think most of the patients there are covered by TAC, Workcover or private health insurance. He told me the hospital charges $50 per session if the patient is not covered by any insurance but more if the person is covered. Say if the average charge is $100 per session, then he would bring in $1,400 per day. Based on a 228 days working year (excludging public holidays and annual leaves), he would bring in $319,200 for the hospital. I don’t think I’d ever billed that much in one year in my years at accounting firms!

I spent the rest of the physio practising running on trampoline and on land. Ruth has given me a few tips on the sort of things I need to work on so I think I’ll practice them at home. One thing i have noticed about Ruth is that she is very gentle, almost like the physios at MECRS. She came up to me a few times while i was practising on the trampoline and asked me if I was tired or if I felt pain anywhere. I guess maybe it's because she doesn't know me and she is worried that I might work too hard and get too tired. I don't recall Gavin ever asked me if I was in pain. I know he often ask me if the exercise he gives me is hard enough and if I tell him no, he'd work me harder. Come to think of it, maybe he is the odd one out. I think all the other physios who treated me before are not as pushy.

I had personal training again on Wednesday morning. I was a bit annoyedd with Mary when I got in there about 10 minutes early. She said it’s good I got there early so we can finish early. She said her next client always turns up early so if she finishes early with him as well she can have more time to go to her boxing class. That’s fair enough except I was concerned that we’ll finish early at my expense. We spent most of the time on abs and then a little bit on the calf raises. I think my calf is a lot stronger now because she added more weight on while when I first started, I found it hard even when there was no weight. This time, I thought it was too easy when there was no weight on so Mary added 2.5 kg and then another 2.5kg. I think my concern was valid because we finished early again. I know I got there a bit earlier but we finished before my 60 minutes was up. I’m not sure how to tell her that I’m not happy with the way she operates but I thought this would give me a better excuse not to continue with her if I find the personal trainer recommended by Gavin better than her. Gavin said I can tell her that I found someone better but I think that’s a bit confronting and I don’t want to burn my bridges since she also works at the Melbourne Uni gym. Tim thinks I should just tell her that I’m unhappy with her and unless she can operate the way I want it to be, I’m not going to sign up more sessions. I have to think about this so I can handle it diplomatically.

I had massage with Judy this morning. She actually broght her photos to show me – when she was in the Army and the time she was a Qantas pilot. The earlier army photo was taken in 1971. I couldn’t believe that her uniform was a dress and she had to wear gloves. At first, I thought she looked like a flight attendant because the dress was quite short. I just didn’t think they would wear uniforms like that in the Army!

I told her about my appointment with the orthopaedics and that I had an X-ray and the orthopaedics said I need more strength in the shoulder. She was very upset. She said he should have ordered an ultra sound, not an X-ray. She said my problem would not be in the bones, but possibly in the ligments and an x-ray wouldn’t show that. I told her I didn’t know that as it’s not my area. She said this makes her so angry because those specialists can just say whatever and get away with it because patients usually wouldn’t know. She thinks I need to stretch out my ligments more first and then strengthen the muscles.

14 October 2005

2005-10-14T01:21:00.000-07:00

I didn’t update my diary yesterday because I was busy doing grocery shopping on the internet. Tim thinks we should have a disaster plan for a flu pandemic. He thinks we should stock up on storeable groceries enough for a month so if it does happen, the best thing we can do is to just stay at home and don’t go anywhere that has any chance of people contact (like in a store). It’s pretty scary to think about such an event may happen in our lifetime but with all the news on this avian flu virus, it looks like it’s almost inevitable and it’s probably just a matter of time. I already made a mistake by not acting quick enough when Tim thought we should get some Tamiflu just in case if there is an outbreak of avian flu. Tamiflu is an anti-viral medicine. A month or so ago, Tim had to take Lillian to the GP to get a certificate that says she doesn’t have conjuctivitis (in order to go to childcare)and got some prescriptions for Tamiflu as well. Since I wasn’t there, he could only get the prescriptions for Lillian and himself but not for me. He then took it to the chemist but had to wait for a while to get the ones for Lillian. I got the prescription a bit later but I sat on it for a while thinking it’s a bit waste of money because it’s quite expensive. When Tim took it to the chemist for me last week, it’s already too late. Due to the recent outbreak of avian flu in Indonesia, all the pharmacies have run out of stock so I have to wait till the next batch of stock comes in. I guess the lesson for me is if there is something to be done, do it straight away, don’t sit on it. That’s why I was maddly ordering the grocery online yesterday.

It’s actually very hard to think what to stock up on in the case you cannot go out for a month and in the worst case scenario, no electricity, water or gas. Tim said we are ok with water because we have a water tank in the backyard. In terms of gas, we can probably cook on the gas BBQ. It’s pretty scary to think of all the possibilities and plan for an ‘apocalypse’.

On a brighter note, I had personal training yesterday and Rosemary walked me home after that. I think not only she is a good upper limb ‘therapist’, she is also a good counsellor. I found that she is someone I can talk to when I have some issues and she is always for sensitive and understanding. I remember that I used to feel very self concious when someone stared at me and told her about that and she was very empathetic. I guess one good thing that came out of my ‘drama’ is that I have gained a good friend.

I had physio at Epworth this morning. Today is Gavin’s last day before he goes on long service leave. I actually have a lot of questions for him but I’m not sure if I would get a chance to ask him all of them. When I walked in the rehabilition centre, I saw Gavin putting a patient on a bike. He was in his Hawaii shirt. Looks like he is ready for his holiday already.

I set up a mirror and started doing some walking practice. I noticed that Nick, another patient of Gavin’s was sitting in his wheelchair. He is actually looking a lot better than when I saw him on Monday. He seemed to be more alert today. Gavin came over and got him up from the wheelchair and tried to help him to walk. He is actually walking quite well now with Gavin’s assistance. I wonder if tramatic brain injury is less severe than having hemiplegia because I was at MECRS for 10 weeks and I only started to walk just before I came home. I don’t think Nick has been here for that long but he is able to walk with some assistance. I can’t help but started to wonder if my progress was slowed down by inadequate physio treatment.

When I was in the taxi, I noticed that when people on the street walk, I can actually see the soles of their shoes from behind. I don’t think I have much plantar flexion like that when I walk so I thought I could try to practice that. When I tried to do that, to my surprise, I almost lost my balance. I don’t know if Gavin has noticed that. He set me up to do some shoulder exercises first on a physio bed. I told him I have a strange question to ask him. One I was a bit embarrassed to ask him earlier. He was probably a bit curious what sort of strange question could that be. I asked him if his other patients have problem with the weights when they go to gyms. I told him that at the Melbourne Uni gym, the minimum weight is 5 kg but I found there are a few things I can’t do – like the chest press and the leg curls for hamstrings. At first, I thought maybe because I’m so weak and unfit so I can’t lift the minimum weight. To my surprise, he said a lot of them started like that and that’s why he and Chris, an exercise physiologist, do gym visits all the time just to check the equipments and work out a way to modify the gym programs for patients. He mentioned about doing a gym visit with me a while ago but I kept putting it off because I haven’t actually joined the Melbourne Uni gym. I only go there for personal trainings. I asked him about the personal trainer he recommended as well. I told him I would like to try out this person before I decide whether I’ll swap my personal trainer. I remember a few years ago, I signed up a short course in tennis when we were still at Trinity College. The coach was always yelling at us and was very abusive, too. I improved very rapidly mainly due to the fear of being yelled at. I only found out later that he’s deaf. He had a hearing aid but it’s hidden well so I didn’t notice until towards the end of the course. I don’t think I want a personal trainer yelling at me in front of everyone in a gym. I need someone who would push me hard but not abusive. Gavin said he can organise that in a few weeks.

While I was doing my shoulder exercises,Gavin introduced me to Ruth, another physio who will be treating me in his absence. I have seen her around before but didn’t know who she was. She seemed quite nice. I commented to Gavin that I guess I’ll have to resume learning to run after he returns. He said he hopes I should be able to run by the time he comes back because Ruth and Chris will be teaching me how to run in his absence.

After my shoulder exercises, Gavin set up a trampoline for me to practice running. While I was practising on the trampoline, he was treating Gary, the patient who is quadriplegic. I wasn’t really listening to their conversation until Gary mentioned that he’s been taking Tamiflu. I almost fell off of the trampoline when I heard this. I barged in and asked him what on earth is he doing that for. He said it’s to prevent flu. I thought he meant avian flu so I told him that you cannot prevent it by taking it now. You have to wait till you’re getting the symptoms and then take it. He said his parter has a flu for weeks and is very sick so his doctor prescribed Tamiflu so he can take it to prevent from getting one. He then went on and said you can’t get them in the pharmacies now but he’s got repeats. I cannot believe what I just heard. His irresponsible and idiotic doctor will probably get us all killed!!! From my understanding, Tamiflu is the only affective antiviral for avian flu. If Gary starts taking it now, there is greater risk that the flu virus can build up resistance to it and when there is really an outbreak of avian flu, there may be nothing that can save anyone. It makes me so angry when people abuse antibiotics this way. If everyone is like this, I think we are really doomed.

I had a massage session with Judy in the afternoon. I normally see her on Thursdays but yesterday was a holy day in the Jewish calendar so she moved me to today. I complained to her about Gary taking Tamiflu and she said she wouldn’t take the antiviral even if there is an outbreak. I didn’t understand why. She said he hasn’t been sick for over twenty years and it’s because she never takes medicine and she eats very well. I think if everyone is like her, we wouldn’t have to worry about the possible flu pandemic.

11 October 2005

2005-10-10T23:52:00.000-07:00

I had personal training with Mary this morning. My leg was very sore when I woke up this morning. I think it’s from the running and jumping I did in physio yesterday.

It’s kind of strange not going to my hydro on Tuesday mornings since I’m so used to it now and I think my body actually misses the warm water. I know I can just have a hot bath but it’s a bit different in a hydro pool because I can move around and do a bit of swimming as well.

On my way to the gym, I was really concentrating on my arm swing. Gavin said people don’t actively swinging their arms when they walk, the arms just swing when they walk. I notice that my arms tend to swing normally when I walk if I can relax my left arm. As I walked passed the Trinity Foundation building on our street, I noticed there were a couple of guys standing there discussing something about the building and pointing at it. One of them saw me coming, smiled at me and said:”you duffer, what did you do to yourself?” I think he probably thought I broke my leg because I was wearing my ankle brace. I know he meant well but I didn’t think it was necessary for me to tell him my life story so I just told him it’s not very exciting and walked off.

Going across the road was a bit challenging this morning – only because this person thought I was going too slow and decided to overtake me. That alone is ok but then he decided to stop when he got to the other side and I almost bumped into him. I had to stop and start again. I found my gait and speed changed as I stopped and started again. I guess Gavin is right in saying that outdoor walking is better than walking on treadmill because it’s uneven surface and in this case, I had to adjust for other people’s unpredictable behaviour. These days, when I cross the road, I always press the button with my left hand but sometimes I wonder if people notice that something is wrong with my left arm/hand.

I didn’t look at my watch until I got to the gym – it’s just about 10.50 a.m. My watch is usually a bit fast and my appointment with Mary was 10.45 a.m. I didn’t think it matters even if I’m 5 minutes late because from experience she is rarely there on time. To my surprise, when I walked into their office, they were all there – Mike, Ann-Marie and Mary. Mary said she’s starting to get worried (because I was running late). I think ever since Gavin told me what he thought of her, I found it’s almost becoming like ‘self-fullfilling prophecy’ because even a comment like that tends to annoy me. She told me that she’s got some new exercises for me. She took me to the downstairs area of the gym. I don’t actually like going there because the stairs slow me down and I think we waste a lot of time in our session just walking around. The new machine she mentioned a few weeks ago has arrived – a hack squat leg press. She said she wanted me to try it and see how I feel. I tried it and found my it really works my quads. She also got me to try a machine that works the calves. We tried this a while back but it was too heavy for me back then. Now, it’s a lot easier for me to do the calf raises on this machine. In fact, it was getting too easy for me that she had to add some weights on.

I met up with Rosemary after personal training and she walked me home. When I got out of the gym, Rosemary said I looked so perky she almost didn’t recognise me. It was so nice to see her since I haven’t seen her for a while.
When we were crossing the road, she pointed out to me that I was so much faster than before and I could cross the road quite comfortably without using the strategy I was using before. I think that’s true because I can’t remember the last time I used my old strategy in crossing the road. The problem I have now is sometimes I get caught in the middle of crossing the road because the green light has been on for a while and just as I start crossing the red light starts flashing and it’s quite stressful trying to quickly walk to the other side.

I picked up some mails in the mail box when we got home. There is a letter for me but no sender details. The writing and the ink look really familiar but I couldn’t tell who is it from without opening it. I put it away and thought I’d open it after Rosemary has gone. I really enjoyed catching up with her except Jill, the social work from ARBIAS, turned up on time for our appointment at 12.30 pm. I told Rosemary before Jill came that I had this appointment but it’s probably ok because Jill is usually late. For once, she is actually on time and for once I wished she wasn’t so I could talk to Rosemary a bit longer.

Jill came to talk about closing my file. She thinks I'm doing so much better since she last saw me and doesn't think I need them much longer. I managed to persuade her to get someone to catch the tram with me a few times. It's something I want to practice doing but a bit scared to do it on my own. As we were talking, she mentioned something about she can spot people who had ABI from alchohol abuse. I asked how and she told me they have special gait. I was intrigued. I thought all people who have had brain injuries would walk like I do but apparently not. She said these people tend to have their knees turned out when they walk.

After Jill has left, I went back to open the letter I had collected earlier. To my surprise, it was actually from Rosemary. She described it as ‘an email by post’. It’s so nice of her to send me a note with comments on my blog. I think it’s always so nice to know that people actually read it. I know she and Neil and also Neil’s mother in the US have always been reading it. The letter was written in a true ‘Rosemary style’ – with it’s grace and elegance. I don’t know how to describe it but I think it’s just the very refined mannerism makes it very ‘Rosemary’.

10 October 2005

2005-10-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I was quite excited this morning because I had an appointment with Skye, the hand therapist, after my physio session wth Gavin this morning. I wonder if she’ll be able to tell me if there is anything else I can or should do with my upper limb.

I went to my physio session an hour earlier than one usual time because I had to see Skye after my physio session. I had to get up a bit earlier than usual and I’m starting to wonder if I can cope going back to work yet because I felt quite tired even before I left the house. I found the traffic a lot worse this morning. Maybe it’s just towards the end of peak hour traffic.

I already know what I would be working on in physio today – more running practices. I know I’ll be doing this every time until I can actually run. I actually tried to do a bit of practice on the weekend but still couldn’t land on my toes when I run – something I’m aiming for. When I spoke to Tim, he thought it’s a bit strange because he said when he jogs he lands on heels and only in sprinting you land on your toes. I don’t know the logic behind it but that’s what Gavin got me to practice last week.

The physio treatment room was pretty quiet when I got there. I guess it’s probably because most patients have the sessions after 10 a.m. and I got there just before 10 a.m. I warmed up with some walking practice and Gavin set up a trampoline and asked me to practice running on it like last week. The room was extremely quiet without Gary. I know he is in a session with Skye so when Skye finishes with him, she’ll see me. There were other usual patients of Gavin around – Nick, a guy who had car accident and Meg, I think she is quite new because I have only see her a few times. They have both improved a lot since the last time I saw them. One thing I noticed about these patients who had car accident is that they are usually very quiet. I’m not sure if it’s because they have problem with their speech or they are just quiet. I guess not everyone is as loud as Gary.

I think the running practice is quite physically demanding because I got tired quite easily when I haven’t been on the trampoline for very long. Gavin asked Libby to help me with practising running in the middle of the room and in the hallway. They put a belt around me so Libby can hold it when I run – it’s supposed to be a safety measure so she can grab me before I fall. I’m not sure if the devise will actually work in the event of someone actually falls because Libby is very pettite and I wonder if she is strong enough to catch the patient if he/she actually have a fall.

Gavin still tells me that I need to land on my toes when I’m running. I asked him about what Tim said and he said that’s right that when people jog, they land on their heels but for people who had brain injuries it doesn’t work to teach them to land on their heels. Something to do with weakness in the extensors. He said the only way I can learn to run is to teach me to run on my toes first and then later I can land on my heels. Sounds very complicated. In a way I feel guilty that I get to learn to run again from someone who specialises in high mobility while the patients at MECRS don’t have the opportunity to do so.

I practiced running on the floor a few times but still couldn’t land on my toes. Gavin told Libby to get me to start with standing on my toes first and then run again. When I was standing, I could sort of stand on my toes but as soon I took a step, I was back on my heels again. Gavin told me to sit down and grab hold of some tapes. I thought he was going to tape my ankle so I told him I actually have my ankle brace in my bag. He said he’s going to tape my right foot. I didn’t understand why he would want to do that. I didn’t see but he had a heel of a shoe in his hand and he said he’s going to stick the heel on the sole of my shoe to make it higher so I can feel what position my foot should be in. It’s a bit like wearing high heels. I told him that he should just tell me earlier because I have plenty of high heel shoes. He said high heel shoes are banned in physio. I thought they might be worried about the floor in the physio room but he told me that high heels are bad for your feet. I know that already. I think years of wearing high heels have caused lots of damange on my legs already but seriously, how would I know that before? Before I had Lillian,, I didn’t even own a pair of flat shoes. It’s not till late in the pregnancy that I started to have back pains and had to get myself a few pairs of comfortable shoes with lower heels but still not completely flat. Come to think of it, I used to be able to run in my high heels – especially when the tram was coming and I was running late for work.

When I was back on the trampoline practising with the newly attached heel, I overheard Gavin telling someone about his leave. I know he is going to take two months off but I didn’t know why. He explained to someone that it’s actually his long service leave but next year he wants to take up some fellowship and do some research so he’ll only be here on a part-time basis and if he doesn’t use up his leave, he’ll loose a lot of it as it will be pro-rated or something like that. I’m not sure if this has any effect on my physio program when he goes part-time. I guess I’ll worry about it when the time comes. I’m quite lucky already because orginally MECRS was planning to discharge me back in May and when I came to Epworth, Gavin was working on the basis that my insurance will pay 50 sessions and it would last me till around September. Whatever session I’m getting now is just a bonus.

After my physio session, Gavin took me to see Skye. Her office is upstairs. I actually haven’t been to that part of the building before. When Gavin got me to practice going up and down the stairs in the past, I didn’t go all the way up to the OT area. I was surprised that I actually got away with using the rails as we went up the stairs. Skye was still with Gary when we got there. She left Gary with Gavin and took me to another room. She asked me to give her a brief history of what happened to me and what I’ve done so far as there is not a lot in my file. She got some notes from my Bobath course but I told her I didn’t work on upper limb in the course. She said that’s right and apparently she was at the course as well except I don’t remember seeing her there. She said in Bobath course they worked on core stability because once you have strong core stability, the arm part will become easier. This is just like what Prema said. I told her about what happened and that I didn’t really have much treatment on my upper limb when I was at MECRS. I told her that Neil and Rosemary visited me at hospital every day and worked with me on whatever exercises they could think of and when I got home I was doing their exercises every day for quite a while. She was quite amazed how well my upper limb has recovered with little physio or OT treatment.

She checked my hand and thought there is really nothing wrong with it but she thought I probably could work on the co-ordination a bit more. She showed me some exercises and it’s just the basic thumb opposition exercises. She said I could add theraputty in the exercises if I want to.

She also showed me a few shoulder exercises – mainly the ones I’m already doing with Gavin and also Mary. She also thought my left shoulder is very tight and I need to stretch it out a bit more. She’s shown me some stretches as well. My session didn’t actually go for an hour because there’s nothing much she could help me with. I asked her about whether she’ll be able to help me to find a way I can look after Lillian more independently. She said Gavin has mentioned this to her but she thought she will need to talk to him about referring me to a community based rehab service because she doesn’t normally see out patients and I’ll need someone who is close by .

7 October 2005

2005-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

I don’t know what happened to me yesterday because I just felt tired the whole day and had no energy. I did a little bit of running and jumping practice in the morning before I saw Judy, the massage therapist. I felt much worse after my massage. My whole left side was aching (which is quite normal) and I couldn’t and didn’t do any physical exercises. I spent the rest of the day fixing up a corrupt MYOB file for one of Tim’s entities – probably not the most exciting thing to do. I actually felt a lot worse in the evening and even Tim thought I felt a bit warm and I probably had a tempature. I took some panadols and went to bed early. I think sometimes it’s hard for me to tell if my muscle aches are due to exercises or a sympton of flu because there has not been a day that I don’t get muscle pains from exercising or even just walking.

I went to my physio session at Epworth this morning. I’m panicking a bit because Gavin is going away for two months in less than two weeks. I have all these questions that need to be answered. I actually made a list of them in my notebook just so I don’t forget:

1. I need to confirm with him that my the research I’ve done in relation to my hip weakness is correct. Ie. Is it because the weakness in my hip abductors and external rotators (gleutus medius) that my knee tends to internally rotate when I’m on the leg press or on the trampoline?

2. I tend to circumduct (swing out) the left leg when I go upstairs and is this also linked to the weakness in the hip, gluteus medius?

3. He mentioned that my calf is not shortened, it’s just I don’t know how to release the muscle so when I’m sitting, if I put my leg back the heel is not touching the ground. Judy said I should find out how do I release the muscle.

4. My left knee tends to buckle when I shift weight on it but I can actually straighten my knee when I’m standing on a wedge (for calf stretch). Why is that the case.

It might make me sounds like I’m full of questions but I truly believe that I’ll recover better if I have answers to all my questions. I’m not sure if I’ll have a chance to ask him all the questions but if I write them down I can probably ask Prema when I see her next time.

When I went to the physio treatment room, I was surprised to find Gary was there already. I don’t actually mind him that much these days. I asked him if he watched Catalyst on ABC last night. I didn’t think he would, I think it’s a bit too intellectual for most people. There was an interesting segment on it last night – about nerve regrowth in people who had spinal injuries.

I was doing the running and jumping practice today – on the trampoline, in the walking rails and in the middle of the room. I actually noticed something today when I was doing my running practice on the trampoline. I think I might have been too harsh on Gary in thinking that he has a big mouth and doesn’t shut up. I noticed today that Gavin is quite a chatter box as well. He would get Gary to do a few stands and then some rest. When Gary was resting, he just wouldn’t shut up. At one stage, I was very tempted to tell him to shut up so I can concentrate on my practice. Fortunately, I was able to switch off after a while so it becomes like having radio in the background.

I told Gavin that I saw my neurosurgeon, Prof Kaye, a few weeks ago and he was very happy with my progress and he thought my physio had done a good job. I then went on and told him something I probably shouldn’t have – I told him this incident at MECRS when Prof Kaye came to visit me and questioned the physio, Jane, about what has been done about my arm and Jane was so upset that she lodged a complaint against him. I thought he may have heard about this from Fary Khan and then John Olver anyway but apparently not. I’m not sure if this has upset him because he said that even if my neurosurgeon thinks he’s done a bad job, he doesn’t care. I thought the comment was a bit arrogant. Maybe he is empathetic about a fellow physio. This is quite different from the accounting culture. Accountants usually bag other accountants from another firm – we tend to blame the client’s previous accountants for ‘stuffing up’. He said he probably knows Jane but cannot remember her face. He asked me what I thought of Jane. I really don’t have anything nice to say about the staff at MECRS. I told him that I didn’t think she was very good and worse still, they were all so negative about my recovery. Gary joined in and said he felt the same about Royal Talbot that the consultant there told him that he’d never walk again. We then went on about how they shouldn’t kill people’s hopes and bagged all the ones who did. I complained to Gavin that Jane told me it would probably take me two to five years or maybe never to be able to drink a cup of tea with my left hand. Thanks to Neil and Rosemary that I can do that in Five months or there about. Gavin said it’s more of a culture thing and at Epworth the therapists don’t usually say that. I wonder if they think that way though. He then turned around and said to me that John (Olver) usually tells people that it’s hard to tell rather than ‘never’ because it is often hard to tell with brain injuries. I actually had something nasty to say about him but was able stop myself from saying it. John was the one who told Tim that people who have brain injuries can ‘never’ have normal gait again. I think I’m in this ‘business’ long enough to know when to switch off and filter out all the negative comments.

I didn’t actually have a chance to ask Gavin all the questions I had (as I predicted) because he was rushing to go to a meeting. I have to find a way to have all my questions answered next week.

5 October 2005

2005-10-05T00:40:00.000-07:00

I had another personal training session with Mary this afternoon. Prior to my session, I did some research on the Internet about hip weakness and knee internal rotation because when I told Gavin about my problem he said it’s due to hip weakness. I just want to find out more about it. Ie, which muscle groups in the hip are weak so I know what to work on.

I got to the gym a bit early so I waited for Mary in their office. Mike, Mary’s boss, is there. He asked me how my training is going and whether I’m happy with Mary. I didn’t know what to tell him. I do have some issues with Mary but I thought it’s prbably best that I talk to her directly rather than through her boss.

I told Mary about the research I’ve done on hip weakness and knee rotation. According to the articles I found – mostly in the area of sports medicine, the knee tends to rotate internally when the hip muscles – esp hip abductors and external rotators such as gluteus medius are weak. I told her about it and she went on about how my medial knee muscles are stronger than the lateral muscles. I now understand why Gavin said there is a lot of problem solving skills required in physio. I think Mary doesn’t know what she is talking about because if the medial muscles are stronger, my knee should be turning outwards not inwards. I actually found the exercises that I need to do on the Internet but thought there is no point talking to her first. I thought I’d better check with Gavin first if what I read is correct before I tell her. Otherwise, I just waste a lot of time talking instead of working.

Sometimes, i think maybe I'm a bit too harsh on her. Tim thinks her role should be pushing me hard so I would work harder and she is not meant to be a physio. The only problem is that sometimes I just don't feel anything in the muscles that are supposed to be working and when this happens, she doesn't know what to do. I suspect as my muscles get stronger, I can actually feel more when it's worked. I know my quads are stronger than my hamstrings and I found that it's easier for my quads to feel it's been worked than the hamstrings.

4 October 2005

2005-10-05T00:12:00.000-07:00

I had my last session of hydro at MECRS this morning. I don’t think it matters much whether I have hydro or not but I like the warm water and it’s always good to check out my inversion in the water. If I want to swim, I think I’ll have to find another hydro pool elsewhere because Judy told me that she’s worried that I might give my muscles a shock if I go to a normal lap pool as the water is much cooler.

I had personal training in the afternoon but it was a bit disappointing. Mary said she is very tired today because she woke up at 3 a.m. When I heard this I thought “Oh, no. Don’t tell me it’s one of those ‘push the personal trainers’ sessions”. The only machine Mary got me to use was the leg press. She was trying to get me to push through my heel instead of fore foot but in doing so, somehow it made the exercise much easier for me so I didn’t feel I had done much work. It was all downhill from that point on. She tried other exercises for me but I didn’t feel anything in the targeted muscle groups at all. She couldn’t figure out why this happens because she said when I did the same exercises I actually felt it in the right muscle groups. I told her that it’s possible that my muscles have become much stronger now and I need harder exercises to feel the muscles have been worked. She said she’ll try to set harder exercises for me next time. I think it’s very hard for me to think that she is a good personal trainer after what Gavin said. Tim thinks a personal trainer’s job is to push me hard so I’ll be working harder than I would otherwise. I think that’s pretty hard to achieve these days because these days I don’t feel anyone push me very hard, not even Gavin. I think he doesn’t do that because he knows I’m motivated enough to do my exercises at home. I think he tends to push me to overcome my fears such as in the beginning, walking without my stick and now, walking up and down the stairs without holding onto the rails. Another client of Mary’s who I usually see before my Tuesday session, thinks Mary pushes her really hard and often tells me how hard Mary drives her. I’m not sure if she knows what she’s talking about. When I saw her yesterday, she started going on about how pushy Mary is and she thinks Mary is less pushy to me because of my condition. I was very tempted to tell her that she’s got no idea what pushiness is. If she thinks Mary is bad, wait till she meets Gavin. However, I tend to agree with her on the second point. I suspect Mary is a bit worried about my condition and doesn’t drive me as hard.

I met up with Neil after my session with Mary and he walked me home. One thing I mentioned to him and he said I should put in my blog is that I think these days I feel a lot better about myself . There was one stage that I wished I never had the operation even though without it I would probably be dead by now. I always thought living like this is a life not worth living and for a long time I had been quite ungrateful in thinking that I’m better off dead. I didn’t always look like this and I hated the way people stared at me when I walk. The only thing that kept me going is probably Lillian – knowing that she needs a mother and I have to keep alive just for her. I told Neil that I haven’t been feeling like that for a while now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m more used to the way I look now and people staring or it’s because I’m getting a lot better than before and although I still have a long way to go but I can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

3 October 2005

2005-10-05T00:11:00.000-07:00

Can’t believe it’s October already. Time seems to go so quickly (even when you are not having fun). I did lots of walking over the weekend. We took Lillian to the zoo on Saturday and we walked around quite a bit in there. Yesterday, we went for a long walk in Royal Park.

One very exciting thing to mention. I finally met Mary Galea, Professor of Phsyiotherapy at the University of Melbourne , on Saturday. It turns out that we go to the same church, St Carthages on Royal Parade. I remember seeing her before but didn’t know who she was. It was only through Tim, I was introduced to her. I have heard so much about her and her experiment on the monkeys. When I was at MECRS, Jacqui,the OT, told me that I should not expect full recovery. I didn’t agree and told her about Mary Galea’s monkeys. She asked me if I know that Mary’s monkeys were left with some deficits. She thinks that the monkeys were left with some impairments and a full recovery is unachievable. I mentioned this to Tim and asked him to ask Mary for me but he said I should ask her myself. It’s easy for him to say because I’ve never met her before. Now, I finally have an opportunity to ask her in person. I was glad to find out that her monkeys were all recovered with hardly any deficits. She said another group did the same experiment later but provided training to the monkeys and the monkeys recovered much quicker than the previous group. She mentioned again that it’s only by using the effected hand more that I can get better.

I went to my usual physio session at Epworth this morning. My legs are still a bit tired from yesterday’s walking. I actually had a lot of questions for Gavin. I know Carr & Sheppard recommended using treadmills for stroke patients and when I was at MECRS Fiona used to put me on treadmills. I haven’t used it ever since I came to Epworth. I borrowed a treadmill from my parents a while back and to be honest only used it once. Tim thinks it’s taking up too much space and wants to return it to my parents. I just need to find out from Gavin if there is any benefit for me to use the treadmill. Also, when I was practising jumping on the trampoline last week, I noticed that I was jumping on the trampoline, it has a lot more sping/bounce than if I jump on the ground and I just wondered what produces the spring/bounce feeling. Sometimes, I wonder if other patients have as many questions as I do. I haven’t noticed other people asking so many questions. I feel that it’s bit like dance training, I need to know the theory and technique to become a better dancer.

After a few laps of walking practice, Gavin told me to practice running on a trampoline. I told him that I was going to practice this on the weekend but have forgotten the pattern already. He said there is no particular pattern, all I have to do is to move the left leg faster. Gary came in when I was practising. I was curious to find out how he felt after the Botox on Friday. He said he didn’t feel any difference. After practising running on the trampoline for a while, Gavin told me I can try practising running in the walking rails. I asked him about what muscles generate that spring/bouncey feeling. He said it’s the calves. I don’t know if other patients have as many questions as I do. I asked him again which part of the calf muscle does it, is it the gastrocnemius or the soles that does it? He said it’s both but gastrocnemius is more dynamic and is used in jumping. I don’t know if any other patients bother to find out all this but I actually find it interesting. I thought since rehab is my full time job, I might as well make the most out of it, including learning as much as possible.

I think my ankle inversion is a lot better these days because I can actually do jumping and running practices without taping or ankle brace.

While I was practising running in the walking rails, Skye, the hand therapist/OT, came over and tried to schedule an appointment for me. Since she also needs to see Gary, I will have to see her either before or after he sees her. Gavin said I could come to physio an hour earlier so I can see Skye after my physio. My appointment with her starts next Monday. I’m quite looking forward to it. Hopefully, she’ll do a full assessment on my upper limb and let me know what I need to work on.

30 September 2005

2005-09-29T23:10:00.000-07:00

I had physio at Epworth this morning. Again, I went there a bit earlier so I’d be organised before my session starts. When I went in the physio treatment room, Nick was sitting in his wheelchair at one side of the room. I didn’t know whether to say hello to him or not because I don’t know if he recognises me. He had problem remember the physio student’s name two weeks ago. His mobility seems to have improved a lot but I don’t know whether his memory has improved. One thing I have noticed about these patients who had tramatic brain injuries from car accidents is that although they often lost the ability to speak or suffer from temporary short-term memory loss, their mobility seem to improve quite rapidly. I don’t know if that’s due to the nature of brain injury or the intensive physio they’ve been having. It again puts a question in my mind – would I have improved more if I had gone there in the first place?

When I was doing my walking practice, I saw Damian and his companion came in. When I first came to Epworth in March, he was still in a wheelchair but he has improved so much since and is walking around quite well now. I saw him a few weeks ago and I think he has made further improvement since then. I never found out his companion’s name although I have seen her many times.

I then went on to do my dorsiflexion exercises against the wall. When I was doing that, I saw this woman I often see before my session starts. I think she normally comes in an hour before I do. I know she is also Gavin’s patient but I don’t know her name. When I saw her walk a few weeks ago, I thought her walking had improved. She used to drag her swing her effected leg out like I did but had stopped when I saw her last time. Today, I noticed her old habit has come back again. For some reason, she is circumducting her effected leg again. I wonder if she had a stroke because that’s the typical hemplegic gait – something I used to do. I think I still do it sometimes especially when my legs are a bit stiff.

When Gavin came in, he asked Damian’s companion to go to the computer. I think he has video taped Damian running and just wanted her to see it, too. I haven’t seen it but all of a sudden I felt quite bitchy about his improvement. It’s a bit likewhen we were training for ballroom dancing and when you haven’t seen someone for a while and the person suddenly became a very good dancer, even better than you are. I guess when I saw his progress I felt a bit threatened. I know this is not competitive ballroom dancing and I shouldn’t be competitive and be bitchy about it but somehow I can’t get over the fact that he is running and I’m not. It makes me wonder what am I doing wrong that I’m not doing as well. Maybe he hasn’t been in sessions the same time as Gary so he hasn’t wasted as much time.

Gavin set me up on the trampoline to practice jumping. He demonstrated what I had to practice – start with push off through the right foot and land on the left foot and push off through left and land on the right and I have to do this quickly. It always looks easy when he does it. I practised this for a while but still find it pretty hard. He asked Damian to do push ups on the physio bed while I was on the trampoline and he is treating Gary. He has three patients in a session at the same time but I guess Damian and I are well enough to do our own things independently. When Gary came in today, he told me he’s having the Botox today. I don’t know what happened to Gary because he is really quiet today. Maybe he is scared of needles.

Maybe I’m just getting old and grumpy but Damian’s companion has been quite a chatter box today and I found it really irritating. There I was trying to practice jumping, and I had to put up with this background noise. I used to have to put up with Gary but I think I got used to his voice now so I can just switch off and do my own things. It’s very hard for me to focus on my jumping when there is this new ‘noise’ in the background. Gavin said this is the last thing I need to be able to do before I can run. I asked him if this is a co-ordination problem. He said it’s both co-ordination and strength. I think this is something I can use the ‘imagining’ technique. Neil has discovered (when he was helping me with my arm exercises) that imagining helps when there is problem with co-ordination. I also asked Gavin about my knee. I found that when I’m jumping on the trampoline or doing the leg press my left knee tends to rotate inwards. He said that’s due to hip weakness. I told him that I mentioned this to Mary and she told me it’s due to muscle imbalance but is unsure how to fix it. Perhaps I shouldn’t have mentioned it because for the second time he is telling me that I have to sack Mary. He mentioned to me last time that he can recommend another personal trainer but I thought it’s too much trouble because I have just got used to Mary and if I go to someone new I have to start all over again and also, I’m not sure if the Melbourne Uni gym will allow me to bring in my own personal trainer.

Gavin put Gary on a physio bed and told us we can hang around if we want to see Gary scream. They are preparing to give him some Botox. He pulled down Gary’s pants and marked the spots where the Botox will be injected. The needle is so big and looks really scary. I didn’t stay to watch the injection because I thought Gary would probably feel a bit undignified – lying there with his pants down (with underpants on though). I know I wouldn't like people watching if I were in that situation.

29 September 2005

2005-09-28T23:02:00.000-07:00

Tim came back from his trip on Tuesday morning and we picked up Lillian from my parents’ place on Tuesday night. Life should be more normal now that he is back.

I went to my usual hydro at MECRS on Tuesday morning. Next week is my last session there. I think Gavin is right in saying that I can work harder on land and I don’t really need to have hydro anymore. I tend to agree except that one place I can really test out the condition of my ankle inversion is in the pool. I remember a few months ago when I tried to swim in the hydro pool, my ankle was inverting so badly it was hurting me so I had to stop. Over the months, my condition seemed to have improved that now I can do a few laps without my ankle inverting. There were times that the inversion started without reason but when I looked back at those occasions, there were the times I didn’t do much exercise during the week. I think as long as I work hard on my legs, the inversion tends to be more manageable.

I had personal training on Tuesday and yesterday. I told Mary, my personal trainer, that I would like to have three sessions a week when my hydro finishes. I’m also thinking of joining the gym so I can do more work during the week. It’s good to have her working with me showing me how to use various machines but there will be a time that I should be able to exercise independently. When I first started personal training, I thought all the people who go there will be like Elle Macpherson or Cindy Crawford and I was a bit embarrassed about my own appearance. After a while, I got to see other people who go there for personal training and I realised that most people who go there are not glamourous at all. In fact, most of them are overweight or quite unfit. I shouldn’t be so mean but I'm starting to think that maybe normal people don’t go to personal trainings. It suits me fine at this stage because I’m still not strong enough to use all the machines yet and Mary sometimes has to set up certain exercises manually for me to do. For example, she set up theraband to work on my hamstrings because the minimum weight on the machies is 5 kg and I found it a bit heavy to do the leg curls.

I caught up with Neil after my personal training session and he walked me home. It’s always good to see him. He said he had two important things to tell me about. At first, I thought I must have done something really bad – Is he going to check up on my exercise program or something? I was actually a bit scared because he looked quite serious. The first thing he mentioned was my diary/blog. He said I should make sure I keep or print out a copy because if blogger.com goes down I will loose all my diary and I should keep a copy for Lillian to read. That’s really good suggestion. I always thought my diary is safe because it’s on a website but I haven’t thought about what happens if the website no longer exists or something goes wrong with it. Gee, he got me worried for one second. I thought I had done something really bad…

The second thing he brought up was about trans fats and how studies done on mice with brain injuries show that trans fat delayed the recovery of brain injury. He said I should watch what I eat because it may have an impact on how my brain rewires. This is interesting because I’ve never heard of trans fat before. Apparently, it’s in a lot of snack food such as chips. I probably had a lot already but just didn’t know about it before.

When I was having lunch, something suddenly occurred to me. I should be grateful for all the things I have. I’m so lucky that Tim has been so supportive at least I don’t have financial worries. I’m also lucky to have friends like Neil and Rosemary who have done so much to help me in my recovery. Sometimes, I almost feel guilty that I can go to Epworth for physio and can learn to run again. I don’t know why but I suddenly remembered Maurice, the guy in my ‘Life Moves’ program who reminds me of Chopper Reed. I remember him telling me that he wanted to ask Professor Disler, a rehabilitation specialist at MECRS, when can he run again. He said he just wants to be able to run again. I know there are times that I feel my progress is slow and I get a bit bored when Gavin teaches me how to run. When I think about what I have or what I can access, it makes me feel guilty not working harder. There he is, trying to find out if and when he can run again and here I’m complaining that the practices Gavin got me to do is a bit boring. I think it’such a privilege to be able to go to Epworth and have Gavin as a physio. Another reason to have private health insurance.

I had massage this morning with Judy. I found out today that she used to be a pilot with Qantas. The topic came up when we were talking about Tim’s trip to America. I told her that he had to stop over Auckland because there was no direct flight to LA from Melbourne on that day. She said Qantas has direct flights to LA 5 times a week and it started in October 99 or something like that. I wondered why she would know so much about. She told me she knows because she was flying it. I cannot believe how talented she is – a PhD in Physics, Master in Music and a Qantas pilot. I wonder if there is anything she cannot do!

26 September 2005

2005-09-25T20:55:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated my diary for a while. The main reason(excuse) being Lillian and I are staying with my parents while Tim is away. I think I got to the stage now that I feel confident enough to stay home on my own. In fact, I went home last Monday night so I could go to my hydro session at MECRS on Tuesday morning. This is the first time I stayed home on my own at night since my operation. I'm hoping that I'll be able to look after Lillian on my own as well so when Tim is away I can take her to and collect her from the childcare independently.

Nothing much happened over the past week or so except that I had another fall. It sounds a lot more serious than it actually is. I went to a gym with Alessia, a friend of mine who lives near my parents' place, last Monday and it made me appreciatee the Melbourne Uni gym a lot more. For a start, this gym is full of guys who have big bulky muscles and almost no necks and when it's really intimidating when they start to pile up on the weights. The machines there are a lot older as well. When I went there on Monday, I realised that there weren't too many machines I could or know how to use. I must admit that I felt a bit uncomfortable in a gym that I'm not familiar with so I was following my friend around a bit. I started with the elliptical when my friend was on the bike. When she finished that and went to the leg press, I followed her, too. The leg press she was using was too scary for me - it's a 45 degrees one that you do it lying down. I prefer the seated leg press. I looked around but couldn't find one so my friend was asking around for me. She found someone who I thought works there and he saw my ankle brace and thought I had a broken ankle. I was a bit worried that he might be worriedd about liability issues since I'm already injured etc. I told him that my problem is not a broken leg or ankle but neuro. He didn't seem to understand so I told him that I had a brain injury and I'm wearing an ankle brace because my tibialis anterior is stronger than the peroneals and that causes my ankle to invert. I wish I had my camera with me, you should see the look on his face. I thought he works there and he knows all these techinical jargons. In the end, i told him i just want to find a leg press that I can use in sitting and I only want to work on the left leg. That he had no problem to understand so he showed me the seated leg press. The only problem with this machine is that there are no marks on the weights so I have no idea how much I'm lifting. Alessia stayed theree with me and got me to try on various weights until I found it just hard enough. I told her to leave me there for a while so she can proceed with her program.

While I was on the leg press, I spotted something else I might be able to use - cable row and lat pull down. I have used these machines in my personal training session so I thought I could give it a try after the leg press. I couldn't believe that the lightest weight is 20kg. At the Melbourne uni gym thee lightest weight is 5 kg. I tried a few without weight and then the 'ligtht' 20kg. It was not too bad but I was doing it bilaterally. While I was using it, i watched the person next to me doing the lat pull down and tried to learn how to use it because the one at the Melbourne Uni gym is a bit different. I went to try the lat pull down after the other person has left. Again, the lightest weight is 20 kg. I know there is no way I can lift 20kg so I started it with no weight.

I tried a few times without the weight and then I was confident enough to try the 'light' 20kg. It's a bit intimidating the guy opposite to me was piling up on weights while I found it hard enough without any weight. I couldn't actually pull down the 20 kg so I thought if I moved back a bit it would probably be a bit easier. I tried to move back but didn't look behind me. The seat is a lot shorter than the Melbourne Uni one so I ended up on the floor. My friend and another guy rushed to my aid but I had too much pride and told them not to touch me and got up on my own! It's quite embarrassing, almost made me look like Bridget Jones! That was my first experience visiting a gym outside of Melbourne Uni and it made me realise why some women join the all women gyms.

I had physio at Epworth this morning. I was panicking a little bit last week when I found out that Gavin is going away for 2 months from mid October. But then, I thought there will be a time when I will stop physio because it's probably not something I need forever and it's not normal to go to a rehab place all the time, I felt more relaxed. I think as long as I make sure I keep up with my exercises and go to the gym regularly, there is probaably nothing to worry about. Besides, there are times that I feel I haven't done all that much in a physio session for various reasons. Today was a bit like that. Gary was really annoying me. Not really his fault but he just wouldn't shut up about footy. I guess because it's Monday just after the grand final weekend. Sometimes I felt like telling him that he'll probably be able to walk on his own if he doesn't waste so much time talking. It's a bit frustrating having to share the same resources (ie Gavin) with someone who doesn't want to help themselves. I just feel that I don't have time to waste. It's ok for him because he has already wasted a lot of time following footy and talking about but I just don't want him to waste my time.

When I first got to the physio room, Gavin introduced me to Skye, the OT/hand therapist, I was hassling him about. I know Gary goes to her as well and it's also arranged by Gavin. Now that I know my private health insurance will fund all my rehabilition costs at Epworth, I can ask for OT as well. Skye told me they don't usually treat out patients and asked me what do I want in particular. I told her I want to have an assessment done so I know what I need to work on in terms of recovery for my upper limb. She said that's fine but it may be just once off thing. I thought it's a bit strange that Gary has no problem seeing her on a regular basis so I asked Gavin about it. I told him that I need an OT to help me work out a way that I can look after Lillian independently like what the OTs at MECRS were trying to do. He said it's a bit political and he will need to talk to her boss first. Here we go again... I have almost forgotten the politics of different divisions and cross referals after leaving chartered acccounting for a while - something I definitely don't miss.

I practised jumping and running in the walking rails while Gavin was treating Gary. I asked Gavin for people who had brain injuries whether running has to be retrained or can they just pick up like kids because when I watch Lillian, she didn't have to learn how to run and she just started running by herself. He said people who have had brain injuries have to relearn. He said they will probably be able to run again eventually but it will take a lot longer. He also said it's a bit different for kids because their brains are developing but the adult brains have stopped developing. This is exactly what Tim said as well. I guess when there is no luxury of natural recovery, it all depends on how hard I work.

14 September 2005

2005-09-22T21:18:00.000-07:00

I went to my usual physio session at Epworth this morning. I have not been feeling energetic all this week. I don’t understand why that’s the case because I had personal training on Monday and Tuesday so I should actually feel better. I hope it’s not because I have been trying to help Tim to put together some information for the software company for the due deligence. It’s not very hard work, just tedious. I’m starting to worry if I’ll be able handle going back to work. The thought of going back to work stresses me out a bit but my insurance company has becoming quite pushy as the date gets closer – another pain in the neck to deal with. In the past, the insurance company requires me to fill out a claim form everry three months but now they want me to do one every month. It’s not hard to fill out the form but it also requires a doctor report stating that I’m still unable to work. It’s just a pain the butt to have to go to see my doctor about it every month. They even contacted someone at the ATO to discuss about my return to work program and requested that I get in contact with this person. I think a lot of energy has been wasted on thinking and worrying about this.

When I went in the physio treatment room, Gavin was treating another patient. I haven’t seen this person before so he must be a new patient. He is in a pretty bad state. I think most of them are when they first came here, especially those TAC patients. I set up a mirror for my walking practice. When I was practising, I couldn’t help laughing because there’s this physio student with this new patient and he kept asking this patient if he remembered his name. The student’s name is Dan and the patient’s name is Nick. I heard Dan telling Nick that his name is Dan and he wanted Nick to repeat it 10 times. He then ask Nick again what his name was and Nick had forgotten already. I guess it wouldn’t be funny for Nick but it just the way Dan was trying so hard I thought it was funny. I don’t think by repeating it 10 times would help Nick to remember. He needs to pay attention to remember it. Tim bought me a book a while back about memory – ‘Thank you brain for what you remember, whatever you forget is my fault’. It’s a pretty interesting book and it explains that we tend to forget things when we are not paying attention. When I was doing my dorsiflexion exercises against the wall, I noticed that Nick is in a wheelchair with high back – like those ones I had when I was first admitted to MECRS. I also noticed there was something sticking out from the top of his pants, something looks like the edge of a nappy. I think he must be incontinent. I have been through all that last year as well. I often forget how bad I was before until I see someone in that situation which reminds me of what I was like before. I don’t think I had problem remembering names though.

Gavin wanted me to practice taking big steps when I’m walking. I told him last time that I had problem stepping over a metre wide drain on a farm in Canberra. He set up some sticks and a box for me to practice last week. Today, he asked me to practice without the actual obstacles on the floor. When I was practising, Gary, the patient who had spinal injury, commented that I couldn’t do that when I first got there. There were a lot of things I couldn’t do when I first got there. I actually didn’t feel very comfortable when he was just looking at me practising but I guess he’s just trying to be nice. It’s a bit like when Tim and I were training for ballroom dancing, you probaly wouldn’t believe all the things other dance couples tell you. I know I wouldn’t never tell people if they danced terribly. Gary carried on for a while until Gavin came over. Gary told Gavin that my step is definitely a metre. He said he is a builder so he knows about these things. Gavin told him he didn’t think it’s a metre. The two ended up having a bet. Gavin put stickers on the soles of my runners and put red ink on them so I would leave marks on the floor as I step. I was a bit embarrassed because a few people gathered to see what was happening. Gavin measured the marks on the floor and told us it’s 75 cm, not a metre. He turned around and told Gary that if he told me it’s ok to step over the drain because I can definitely step over a metre, I would have got my foot wet. I didn’t notice where this person came from but he said to Gary ‘ the only thing that’s a metre is your mouth!’. I couldn’t stop laughing because I think I agreed with him.

12 September 2005

2005-09-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

Some good news from my appointment with the neurosurgeon this afternoon! He said my MRI showed that nothing has changed since my last scan. He said there is a tiny nodge of tumour left in there (from the scan)and he's not sure whether that's actually the left over tumour or maybe just the scar from the operation. Anyway, he said that's nothing to worry about. It's such a relief to find that out. I actually asked him where about in the brain it is. He showed me the scans and I could see the tiny white dot right in the middle of the brain. I have been worried about it for over a week now and even had nightmares about it. Prof Kaye said I'll have another scan in nine months time.

9 September 2005

2005-09-08T21:17:00.000-07:00

I went to Epworth this morning for my usual physio session. I didn’t feel very energetic this morning because I had a bit of tempature last night and Lillian woke up in the middle of the night crying wanting to come to our bed. She got what she wanted in the end but it took me a while to get back to sleep. If I didn’t have physio this morning I think I would probably just stay in bed all day.

I suspect I have caught some kind of flu virus because I have been feeling quite tired over the past few days and also my body is really aching. Sometimes, it’s a bit hard for me to tell whether the aches are due to exercising or flu virus because I get muscle pains everyday from working so hard. Take my arm for example, although I had a massage plus I didn’t do any arm exercises in personal training yesterday, it is still sore from Wednesday’s workout. Today I feel even worse, not only I have a sore arm/shoulder, my leg is killing me, too. Thinking about my appointment with the neurosurgen next Monday doesn't help either. I'm actually quite nervous about my appointment because I'll findout my scan result then. I think I must be very stressed out about it because I even had a nightmare about it a few nights ago.

When I went to physio this morning, Gavin asked me how did I pull up from Wednesday’s session. I told him my shoulder is still sore. He asked me if it’s the soreness from the joints or from the muscles. I told him I couldn’t tell and just pointed the spot I felt it’s sore. He looked at it and said it’s exactly where I should feel it and it means the exercises are working.

After my usual warm up exercises, I reminded Gavin about what we talked about on Wednesday. I told him that I had problem stepping over a wide drain when we went to the farm in Canberra and he asked me to remind him today so he can get me to do some exercises. He set up a couple of sticks for me on the floor about 30 cm apart and asked me to walk from one end of the room and step over them. He said when we walk we normally scan what’s on the floor and then don’t need to look at it again but people who had brain injury don’t have that ability anymore so I will need to practice stepping over it but not keep looking down. I think that's probably true because I noticed that's what Lillian does now. One day, she was at one corner of the room and was walking towards me. There was something in the middle of the floor and I thought she was going to trip over because i didn't think she saw it. To my surprise, as she was walking towards the obstacle, she didn't even look down and she actually knew it was there and stepped over it. This shows that we must have a natural ability to do it. I think it's great to look at how Lillian develops because I'm learning a lot from her. I remember Danika, the OT from MECRS, used to remind me that when I'm reaching for an object, I should keep my wrist extended. i thought it's strange at the time but then I noticed that's how Lillian does it when she was about 7 months old. It must be a natural movement then.

I practiced that a few times and he gradually increased the distance between the two sticks and finally added a box in my path as well. I had to walk from one end of the room and step over the sticks and the box and walk towards the other end of the room.

I found the physio treatment room reminds me of a ballroom dancing studio where Tim and I used to go. I see the same faces every week and it's hard not to check out their progress. I noticed another patient of Gavin's there and i think she is walking so much better today. I don't know what happened to her but she used to swing her leg out like I did but today her leg stopped circumducting and she was able to flex her knee and drag her leg through.

After these exercises, Gavin set me up on a physio bed to do some arm/shoulder exercises. When I was doing the chest press, I told him that I do this in personal training as well because Mary said this is the same as doing the pushups against the wall. He said that’s right. I asked him why is it that I cannot stick my left elbow out as I’m pushing the weight upwards, is it because my tricep is weak or is it something else. He thinks it’s due to the weakness in my shoulder that prevents my elbow from sticking out because I don’t get much range of motion there.

This is only meant to be a short diary today because I think I should go back to bed and rest now :)

8 September 2005

2005-09-08T00:44:00.000-07:00

I can finally get back to my blog now. I hope Tim has all the information the venture capital people needed. I put the last page of printout he needed in the folder this morning and felt a bit more relax. Fingers crossed, I hope this is all they wanted. I told Tim last night that I was getting quite sick and tired of it all. I wonder if this means I’m not quite ready to go back to work yet.

It’s a bit difficult to write up my blogs for the previous few days. I thought about writing the second part of 5th September blog but couldn’t remember all the things I was going to write about now. Maybe it makes more sense just to summarise it.

Well, John Olver, the rehabilitaion specilialist, agreed to refer me to see the OT. I guess I’ll need to follow it up at some stage.

On Tuesday morning, I went for my usual hydro at MECRS. I thought I finish next week – when I first sign up to join the self-help group, they told me each person can only go there for six months. I checked with the person who collects the money at the desk and she told me I have till end of September. I know I probably don’t need hydro these days and I think Gavin is right in saying that I can work a lot harder on land but I found the best way to check on my inversion is actually in the pool. When I first tried to swim, my ankle was inverting a lot. Over the last few months, I found that I could actually control the inversion a lot more than before. Last week, I don’t know what happened but my inversion started again when I tried to swim. Even Judy noticed that when she was doing the massage – sometimes my ankle inverts because of the pain (from massage).

I tried swimming again when I was in the hydro pool and to my surprise, my ankle didn’t invert at all. There were only five people in the group on Tuesday morning so I had a lot of space to swim.

When I was trying to finish the accounts stuff for Tim in the afternoon, the phone rang. It’s Tim on the phone letting me know that he’s stuck in a meeting and I’ll have to pick up Lillian from the childcare. The childcare closes at 6 p.m. He called at 5.30 p.m. It was very stressful to drive in peak hour traffic whith almost no petrol left in the tank as the petrol indicator lighted up. This is the first time I went to pick up Lillian from childcare. I haven’t done it before because she is so active now and I’m worried that she’ll run onto the busy road when we go to the car. I had to ask someone from the childcare centre to help me get her in the car. It’s not so bad once she’s in the car seat because when I parked in front of our house, I unfastened her seat belt and she was able to get herself out of the car and walk to the house.

I had my usual physio at Epworth on Wednesday morning. When I walked in there, Gavin was treating Sam, another patient of his. He told me to do a few laps of walking practice and then he told Libby, a physio assistant like Tracy, to take me outside and stretch out my calf a bit. He said he has a surprise for me when I come back. When I went back to the room after some calf stretches, he told Libby to take me outside for a walk. This is walking without my ankle brace on. I asked him if this was the surprise. He said yes and asked me if I was expecting a box of chocolates. I was actually expecting something a lot harder than this. It turned out that he asked Libby to time me while I walked outdoors on Erin Street on the footpath. When we were heading back, a woman came up to me and I realised it’s Florence from my Life Moves group when I was at MECRS. She said she saw me from a distance and recognised me. I asked her if she has caught up with anyone else in our group. She said I’m the first person in the group she saw. It’s always nice to see a familiar face but I couldn’t talk to her for long because I was in the middle of my physio session. When we got back, I checked Libby’s stop watch. She said it’s about 13 minutes or so but because I stopped and talked to someone so she should take off a minute or so. I asked Gavin if he knew har far I’ve just walked. He didn’t so he sent Libby back to measure the distance. I was told later that it was a 500 m walk.

I did more arm exercises and finished off with pushups against the wall. Just before my session finished, Gavin asked me how I went on Monday (with John). He told me he actually mentioned it to John in the morning (that I want to see an OT and a neuropsych) before my appointment. I was surprised that he actually remembered. I don’t think John remembered at all because he didn’t mention anything when I saw him. I told Gavin that John said my insurance won’t pay for the neuropsych so he’ll arrange it for me to go to a public hospital. Gavin was surprised and said he’ll check it for me from Lynn, the lady who organises all the rehab programs there. He said he thought my insurance is pretty good and should pay for this as well. He said Lynn is actually away sick but he will ask her to find out for me when she returns. I know this is not his business but I really appreicate that he takes the trouble to help. I think although he looks a bit scary (with his crew cut) but he is actually quite a nice person.

I had personal training this afternoon. I think Mary is actually getting better now because today she pushed me so hard that I almost didn’t think I could walk home afterwards. I think it's the leg press that did it. She added more weight on for me today to push me a bit harder.

5 September 2005

2005-09-05T03:34:00.000-07:00

I had an appointment with the rehabilitation specialist, John Olver, at the Epworth, in the afternoon. I was meant to see him around end of June but postponed because I didn’t think there was any need for it. He was supposed to arrange for me to have a Botox before he went away to Sao Paolo for a conference. He must have forgotten because I never heard from him about it. I think Gavin is probably right that I don’t need a Botox so there was no need for me to see him back in June. Today, I want to ask him to refer me to see a neuropsychologist and a hand therapist. I spoke to Gavin on Friday about the hand therapist, who is also an OT, that Gary goes to. I asked Gavin about this person and he told me to ask John to talk to him about it because John doesn’t know Gary. I want to have a neuropsychologist test done again before I go back to work. I had one done before I came home from MECRS last September and I think it’s time to do another one just to see if there are any changes.

Tim couldn’t accompany me to see John because he is too busy with work. I went to my appointment on my own but was a bit worried that I didn’t have a backup person for moral support and also help me to digest all the information. I was surprised that my appointment was right on time. Normally I would have to wait for a while but today John came to fetch me from the waiting area right on the dot – 2 p.m. I asked him about his trip to Sao Paolo just to be polite and that kept the conversation going for a bit. He said he felt a bit uncomfortable walking on the streets in Sao Paolo. I told him that I know what he meant because I went to a conference with Tim there when we first got married and I found it a bit scary walking on the streets as well. I think ever since I left chartered accounting firms, I haven’t really tried to start up a conversation with people anymore. I used to have to do that with my clients and tried to keep good relationships with them. After I left chartered accounting, I felt there was no need to ‘suck up’ to anyone anymore. It’s good in a way but on the same token, I probably don’t make as much effort to talk to people like I used to. I think ever since my operation, I haven’t really tried to make an effort to talk to anyone at all. I don’t remember doing that at MECRS and I certainly haven’t at Epworth. It’s amazing the difference it makes. John seemed a lot more friendly to talk to now that we talked about Sao Paolo. His mobile rang during our meeting and to my surprise he actually didn’t answer it and switched it off straight away. He asked me how I was going and what can he do for me today. I told him I had a few questions for him. I told him that my massage therapist noticed that my left side (including the arm, hand, leg and foot) seemed to be colder than the left side and I wondered if that’s often the case with people who had brain injuries and whether it means I have bad blood circulation on the left side. At first, he misunderstood my question and thought I asked about the blood circulation in the brain and starting talking about something I thought sounded a bit strange. After I explained to him that I meant the blood circulation in the limbs, he told me that’s quite often the case with people who have weakness in one side. He said the weak side often doesn’t move as much as the other side so it often gets cold or swollen. He also said that weakness in the calf muscles sometimes makes the ankle swollen and he asked me if my ankle is swollen sometimes. I told him yes. Now I know why my ankle is sometimes swollen. Judy and I often wonder why my ankle is swollen but never really found out the answer.

I also told John that I want to see a neuropsychologist and have an assessment before I return to work. I told him that I had one done last September and it’s probably time to do another one. He said it’s very wise to do that but apparently the private health insurances won’t fund it so I either have to pay for it myself or he can try to arrange for me to go to a public hospital to do it. I asked him about the cost and he told me it’s probably around $400-$500 because the neuropsychologist charges by the hour and I would need a few hours to sit for the test and then the neuropsychologist will need to write up a report and that takes time as well. He asked me who was my neuropsychologist at MECRS. I told him the name and then he asked me who my doctor was there. I told him it’s Fary Khan. He said he knows her pretty well because he employef her at the Caulfield Medical Centre. He said he’ll speak to her to find out if she can arrange for me to see Sheryl at MECRS. He then asked if I got on with the neuropsychologist at MECRS ok. I thought that’s a strange question. I guess he must have heard something from Fary then. I wonder what he has heard about me because whatever it was, it would not have been nice. I’m sure Fary would not have told him about how incompentent the staff were and of course, they will always blame it on Jeff Kennett because he cut the funding etc. I told John that I doubt if MECRS can do anything for me while I come to Epworth for treatment because they would not get funding from the government. I told him that I had to stop everything at MECRS – physio, OT, swimming group etc, when I decided to come to Epworth. He said that’s a bit odd because that’s not how the funding works. He said often they don’t like people seeing different physios or OTs because they need to work in teams. For example, the OT often needs to talk to the physio about certain problem a patient may have.

I then asked him to refer me to see the OT who is also a hand therapist that Gavin mentioned before. I told John that I know my hand has recovered really well but there may be something wrong with it and unless I consult with an expert. I probably wouldn’t know what’s wrong with it. This is exactly what I told Gavin and he agreed. I don’t know why John gave me this strange look and told me that Tim and I expect 100% recovery but there is no guarantee. He said the adult brain is still plastic and can improve but there is no guarantee that I can get 100% recovery. I was very temptewd to tell him that he is right that I should not expect 100% recovery because the way Gavin is pushing me looks like I'm going to get 120% recovery. (TO BE CONTINUED)

NOTE:
There is some very urgent stuff I have to do for Tim. The venture capital people want to do a due diligence on his company so I have to prepare all the info they need. Tim said he only just received the request this morning and they want it by COB tomorrow. This is really stressful for me but I suppose it's just something I have to deal with. The diary/blog will have to wait until I get this done. I apologise for the delay to all my regular readers but I'm sure you'll understand.

25 August 2005

2005-08-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

We are up in Canberra again because Tim has a 10 day workshop in here. It's hard to keep my diary updated while we are away. It's even harder to keep up with all my exercises when I'm not in Melbourne because I miss out on my usual physios and personal trainings. I was talking to Prema about this last time and she agreed that I have a rather busy weekly schedule in Melbourne - two physio sessions at Epworth, one private physio session at home, two to three sessions of personal trainings, one massage session, one hydro session. It's pretty much like a full time job for me. In fact, Tim has said this before - rehab is my full time job now. If I consider rehab as my full time job, I must have used up my four weeks annual leave for the year already. I remember when I was still at MECRS, before I had to go away for a week or so, I asked Fiona if she knows a good physio in Canberra so I would not miss out too much while I'm away. She used to tell me it's ok to have a break just like when you work, you get four weeks annual leave. I have been away a few times already since the start of this calendar year. I haven't counted the number of working days I have been away but if I add them all up, I probably have use up all my leave for the year already.

Going away has its advatages though. I remember it was because we were here in Canberra that Tim took me to a fitness equipment shop to hire an exercise bike for me. He thought it would be good for me if only I know how to work very hard (I think he and Gavin seem to have the same attitude). I remember the first time I was on the bike, i could only do 5 minutes and my leg got very tired. I had to gradually increase the time and the intensity. After one week's of exercise bike, Judy, my massage therapist, said it was the first time she felt my leg was improving because she was a bit concerned that after treating me for a while, there was not much change in the leg and the bike started to make some difference. I really don't know what the staff at MECRS were thinking. I remember asking Jane, my physio at MECRS when I was an in patient, about what exercises i should do. She told me the best exercises i can do is walking. I know many neuro specialists would probably the best exercise to do for performing certain task is actually practising that certain task, like Carr & Shepard would have said. However, in my case, back then, I could hardly walk and by practising walking I was merely reinforcing bad habits. My gluts was weak (still is) so I would stick out my butt when my weight is on the left. My hamstring was and still is weak so I could not bend my knee. In order to take a step with my left leg, I was circumducting my left leg to compensate for the weakness in the muscles. What I really needed was strength training to fix up the muscle weakness. I hate to think what I would be like had I stayed at MECRS and have not gone to Epworth. The whole time I was an in patient there, they never bothered to put me on an exercise bike or any fitness equipment. I know they would argue that I was not mobile enough to go on such equipments. At Epworth, I notice that they put patients on exercise bikes from a very early stage. Some patients could barely stand and they put them on those recumbent bikes. The contrast in attitude is just enormous.

I had phsio at Epworth on the Monday morning before we left for Canberra. I know Neil has always taken great interests in my progress and he and Rosemary are concerned that while my leg is improving, my arm has not been. Neil has asked me many times to ask Gavin if he knows an arm specialist. It's pretty hard to ask him that when he has been working on my arm over the last few sessions. He has been getting me to do some strengthening exercises with weights. On Monday, I was working on my triceps again. When I finished my usual ones, he asked Tracy to set me up to do some pushups. I told Gavin that when I first went to Epworth, I was hoping for a full recovery but now I think I'm going to get a 120% recovery since I couldn't do pushups before. He said for people who are motivated, he only needs to show them what to do. I took this as a positive comment since he never mentioned anything negative like don't expect 100% recovery and craps like that.

On Monday afternoon, I had personal training with Mary. I think Mary is getting a bit better these days. She is constantly modifying the exercises for me to make sure that they are not too easy for me and has started to push me a it harder than before.

19 August 2005

2005-08-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

I had a physio session at the Epworth this morning. The painter is still in the house so I couldn’t get out of the house fast enough. I really hate the smell of the paint. I like going to my physio sessions a bit earlier because it means I have a bit more time to finish my usual exercises even before my session starts.
When I got to the physio treatment room, I was surprised to find it so crowded. I guess it’s probably because I was half an hour early. I was going to do some walking practice but couldn’t find a spare mirror so Gavin told me to lie on my back (or what the physio would call supine) on a physio bed and he’d get me to do some arm exercises. He went away to get me some dumbells and showed me what I had to do. It’s something that will work on my triceps. He knows I had problem with the pushups he asked me to do last time so he said I can work on my triceps today. He showed me a few exercises for triceps and left me there to do them on my own. Today he wanted me to do four sets of tens. After a few sets, my tricep on my left arm was so sore that I had to support my arm with my right hand. Gavin said I could give my tricep a bit of rest while I do some other exercises so he showed me another one to do with the dumbbell. This is the one I lie in ‘supine’, hold the dumbbell in the left hand, start with lifting the left arm up straight and bring it to the side. He has given me this to do before and I looked up on the internet about this – I found a website for body builders and it tells you all the exercises you can do for different muscle groups, I know this exercise is aimed at the pecs. I have learnt a lot about the human bodies these days. Tim thought it was really funny that I told him over dinner that I thought it’s strange that my peroneal muscles hurt after doing the dorsiflexion exercises because I thought it’s the tib ante that does the dorsiflexion and inversion and peroneal does the inversion. Tim looked at me and was laughing. I asked him why he was laughing and he said two years ago I didn’t know what tib ante or peroneal were and I certainly wouldn’t know what dorsiflexion is. I guess it has been interesting to learn new things. I’m of the opinion now that you can’t just rely on the experts and you should always find out for yourself. The only way I can do this is to take interests in my rehab and learn as much as I can.

It’s actually a good feeling when I know what I’m doing and what muscles I’m working on. Gavin also got me to do some shoulder flexion and abduction exercises. He didn’t actually use the technical terms but I know what they are anyway. While I was doing my exercises,Gavin and another physio were helping Gary to walk. Gary appeared to be a little bit tired because he was struggling to get out of his wheelchair. I wonder if his right side is affected because I noticed that the control of his electric wheelchair is on the left side and also Gavin was instructing the other physio to hold his right knee straight when he puts weight on it. At first, I thought he had the same problem I had before – hyperextension in the knee. This was around July/August last year, after a few weeks at MECRS, althought I couldn’t walk back then, I found that whenever I stood up and put weight on my left leg, the knee tend to hyperextend. Of course, back then I didn’t know it’s the first sign of atrophy in the quads. I remember complaining to Jane, the phsio at MECRS, but she didn’t think it’s serious. When I looked at Gary again, I realised that when he put his weight on his right, his knee didn’t hyperextend, it actually buckled and the physio was holding it so it doesn’t flex too much. I must say I find it interesting to watch Gavin treating other patients because it gives me a chance to see other people’s problems and their treatment. I didn’t know that spinal injury can affect one side of the body before but it obviously can.

After I finished with all the arm/shoulder exercises, Gavin said I could continue with my usual dorsiflexion exercises against the wall. While I was doing that, he came over and put his hand on my leg to feel if I'm activating the muscles. He said my dorsiflexion is getting stronger now. He then taped my ankle. I told him that I think my inversion seemed to have gotten worse since I came back. He couldn't tell but I told him about when I went swimming in my hydro session I couldn't control to stop the inversion this time but two weeks ago I could. He told me there's no point in wondering what causes that because he thinks my arm is getting stronger and I'm walking a lot faster and I'm making progress. Maybe he is right. I noticed he taped my ankle differently today and I asked him about it. He said he didn't tape my foot in dorsiflexion and he just wants to try it and see if it affects my walking. He asked to walk around. It didn't seem to feel too different. He seemed pretty happy with the result. He pointed out to me that I should check it in the mirror because he noticed that althought he didn't tape my foot in dorsiflexion, he could see the sole of my shoe when I walk and this means I'm starting to be able to dorsiflex when I walk and instead of using my toes, I'm starting to use my heel. He seemed pretty excited by the progress but of course, being an accountant, I didn't show as much excitement. When I first came to Epworth, I was hoping for a full recovery but now I'm starting to get a feeling that I'm probably going to get 120% recovery.

18 August 2005 - part 2

2005-08-19T05:16:00.000-07:00

Episod 2 – continued from yesterday

Gavin put the guy who was picking his nose last time in front of the walking rails. The woman with the pram walked up to him and kissed him. I wonder if that’s their kid in the pram because they both looked so young. When I was wondering about the kid, the woman said to the kid : ‘do you see Daddy there?’ That answered my question. I just thought it’s a bit strange that he didn’t want to pick up the kid or give him a cuddle and she didn’t do anything about it either. I remember when I was at the hospital, every time Lillian came to visit I would always want to hold her even when I only had one functional arm.

This probably made me look like I was slacking off on my exercises but I can assure you that I wasn’t. I was doing my dorsiflexion exercises against the wall while watching a ‘life drama’ on display. The woman then asked Gavin about the wheelchair. I think she’s probably making plans for when he goes home. Gavin asked her if there is a step to get in their house and she said yes. He told her it would be better for them to get a light wheelchair so it’s easier for him to get in the house. He is in an electric wheelchair at the moment and Gavin said it’s much harder to get it in the house. I was very tempted to tell them that you can actually hire a ramp for about $20 per week so it’s easier to get the wheelchair in the house. I remember Danika, the OT from MECRS organised a ramp for me on my first home visit since the operation and it worked quite well. I didn’t say anything because I felt it’s really not my place to say anything. Gavin also told her that it’s better for him to sit in a chair with high back so he doesn’t get a bad posture. As they were talking, I noticed that he was slouching and Gavin told him that if he sits like that all the time, he is stuffed. Again, I felt like telling them about my chair – when I first came home, I had the same problem and at the time my shoulder was really hurting so I needed a chair with arm rest. Tim took me to L& R, a shop that sells a lot of rehab stuff, and I tried on many chairs with arm rest and finally picked one. It’s the best purchase because when I first came home I spent a lot of time in that chair. I was not very mobile at the time and spent a lot of time in that chair during the day doing the upper limb exercises set by Neil and Rosemary. Again, I felt like telling that woman about my chair but I was worried that Gavin may be a bit offended. I know I wouldn’t feel too comfortable if my client is telling another client of mine about some tax strategies right in front of me if I just advised that client about something.

I guess I just felt really sorry for them. It must have been hard for her having to look after the baby and her husband. When I look at her, somehow I don’t feel as hard done by. I also think that in a way I'm lucky to have Danika as my OT because she had thought about a lot of the issues I would have when I go home so when I go home I have all the things I might need - a very compact wheeldchair that can be easily folded up and put in the boot, a kitchen trolley, a shower stool and most importantly, a personal response system - an alarm system that's connected to the phone so if something happens to me I can press the alarm (a pendant that I can wear like a necklace) and call for help. I don't know whether this guy has an OT to look after all these and I'm not sure how it operates at Epworth. Gavin is a good physio but when it comes to the preparation for going home, it's probably better handled by an OT. I remember when I was first admitted to MECRS, I always thought OT sessions were just a waste of time because I felt they were always teaching me doing things by compensating and not helping me to recover. I can now appreciate why they do that. It took me a while to get the movement in my left arm and hand back and if I had to wait for their recovery, someone else would have to shower and dress me and cook and feed me. What they were doing is to teach me to do things by compensating so I can at least be independent. It's not easy to understand it at the time but now when I look back I can see the big picture.

I had an appointment with my massage therapist, Judy, this morning. I missed her for two weeks – the first week was when she had an operation to remove a gall stone and the second week was when we were in Canberra. She noticed the change as well. We both don’t know what happened but my ankle inversion seemed to have gotten worse. I told her that I first noticed that when I went to hydro on Tuesday. I always try a bit of swimming after my exerices during my hydro session and on Tuesday, I noticed that my ankle was inverting a lot more and I couldn’t actually relax it to stop the inversion. I had this problem before but a few weeks ago I was actually able to stop the inversion by relaxing the muscles. I don’t know what has changed and Judy doesn’t know either but it’s definitely something I have to keep my eyes on.

18 August 2005

2005-08-17T23:15:00.000-07:00

No diary entry for a while because we were away in Canberra last week. I feel a bit de-conditioned when I got back. I don’t know why that’s the case because I did quite a bit of walking with my mother-in-law, Helen, when I was there. Maybe it’s the lack of weight training at a gym and also the absence of remedial massage for two weeks.

I had a pretty busy week so far –on Monday I had physio in the morning and personal training in the afternoon, on Tuesday, hydro in the morning and personal training in the afternoon, yesterday I had physio at Epworth in the morning and physio with Prema in the afternoon. I was really struggling on Monday morning at physio. The exercises that wouldn’t normally tire me out seem to be so hard and tiring.

After two sessions of physio and two consecutive days of personal training I think I’m feeling a bit better. Gavin started to work on my arm and shoulder a bit before I went to Canberra. He put me on this machine and gets me to do pull ups and push ups. Tracey said the push ups will work my triceps and the pull ups work on my pec and latissimus dorsi (some back muscle). It’s a very hard exercise to do. I told Gavin that I don’t think I could do pull ups or push ups before my surgery anyway. Of course, he doesn’t care whether I could do it before or not, he wants me to be able to do it now! This is what Neil would call a 120% recovery! I told Mary about the exercise and she thought it might be a bit hard for me to do it bilaterally so she used a gym equipment (I can never remember what those things are called) to get me to work on my left side only. She said once I built up the strength on my left side, she’ll get me to use the equipment that I use at Epworth so I can do it bilaterally because otherwise my right side will do most of the work. I think she is actually getting better these days because I found that she would actually think about my problems and try out new exercises for me. I don’t know if it’s because I’m a bit de-conditioned because on Monday and Tuesday I actually felt she was pushing me a bit harder than before. Another thing I noticed is that my arm and shoulder actually felt better after some weight training. I actually find it a bit addictive that I can’t wait for my next session.

When I went to my physio session on Monday, I was surprised to see how much progress Gary has made. He is the loud mouth who has spinal injury. He is not a bad person but because he never shut up and he looked like one of my old boss in the previous accounting firm I worked for, I don’t like him very much. Before I went away, Gavin used to set up a couple of physio beds so Gary could hold on the the edge of the bed for support while Gavin put his foot in place when getting him to walk. It’s a bit like when I first started to learn walking again at MECRS. I was surprised to see that Gary is able to walk with the help of Gavin and another physio. I don’t want to be mean but somehow I felt he is not very deserving of this speedy improvement because I know how little he worked. I know it’s a bitchy thing to say but I think his lips worked more than his legs. While he has improved while I was away, I felt I have regressed. It’s a depressing feeling – a bit like when you trained so hard but was eliminated in the first round (of ballroom dancing competition).

I always thought I was hard done by until I saw this guy at Epworth on Wednesday. I recognise him from a few weeks ago – he was the guy who picked his nose while waiting for the porter to collect him. He is looking so much better when I saw him on Wednesday. He can actually walk with Gavin’s support now. When I was doing my dorsiflexion exercise against the wall, a woman walked in with a pram. The kid is holding a teddy bear and has a dummy stuck in his mouth. I presume he is younger than Lillian since he still sucks on a dummy. I have no idea when do they stop sucking on dummies since Lillian never had one. The woman looks quite young, I don’t know if that’s her kid or if she is just a nanny and is looking after someone else’s kid. (TO BE CONTINUED)... DUE TO THE SMELL OF THE PAINT I WILL HAVE TO FINISH THIS ANOTHER TIME(the painter is still here - after about 1 1/2 weeks)

4 August 2005

2005-08-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

I had personal training with Mary this morning. I think just as well I made an appointment to have a session because it looked so miserable outside and I didn’t feel like get out of bed.

It was still raining when I left the house so I had to use an umbrella. It’s probaby the first time I had to do this in heavy rain. It certainly made walking to the gym more challenging. It was even more tricky when crossing the roads. I had to make sure I don’t stand too close to the road or I might get splashed when a car drives past too quickly.

It was still a bit early when I got to the gym so I decided to warm up with some ellipticals before my session. The personal training gym is separate from the general gym so I decided to stay in the personal training area because it’s not as crowded. After about five minutes, my left leg started to get a bit tired and I could really feel the muscles working in the glutes and the quads. I was very tempted to stop but then I thought I should just push on until Mary turns up. Mike, Mary’s boss, came up to me and said Mary just called and she’s running a bit late. Well, I guess this just means I have to stay on the elliptical for a bit longer. I think Tim would be happy to see that I was breaking out in sweats. He always thinks if I’m not sweaty that means I haven’t worked hard enough. I didn’t bring a towel with me because there was never any need in the past but today the sweat was dripped down my face.

I have been on the elliptical for about 10 minutes when Mary turned up. I didn’t tell her that my leg was tired because I was worried that she might just let me do easy stuff today. I told her that Gavin and Prema said there is some gym equipment to work on the hamstrings and I would like to try that. I think I might have been a bit harsh on her in the past because when she set me up on the equipment, I realised that it’s too hard for me and no matter how hard I try I couldn’t lift up the 5kg weight which is the bear minimum. She said she was trying to get me do some strenghthening exercises first so my muscles would be strong enough to use the equipment. She suggested that we go back to the personal training gym and use the cable so she can set up the equipment in such a way to help me work on my hamstrings.

After my session, Neil walked me home. We talked about getting some expert help with my upper limb and he was pushing me to do something about it. He found out for me from Guy Zito, his physio and also a lecturer in physio at Melbourne uni, the name of a physio who specialises in upper limb. When I looked at the address, I realised that it’s the same place where Lisa, a physio from MECRS, works on Fridays. I don’t really like Lisa because she treated me quite badly when I was an in patient there. I remember there was one occasion that my physio Jane didn’t show up and left someone with pen and paper and a test question for me. This happened after Tim complained that they hadn’t done anything about my arm. Jane asked me to write down all the things I have learnt from physio sessions about my arm. I couldn’t write any because she didn’t do much for my arm and there was nothing to write about. I burst out in tears because I thought it was wasting my valuable treatment time. Lisa came over and wheeled me into an office and told me off. Those words will always be branded in my memory because it was quite a traumatic experience for me. I remember her saying that it’s my fault that I don’t remember things because I had a brain injury and I shouldn’t blame Jane for not doing anthing about my arm. She was basically saying that it’s not Jane didn’t do anything about my arm – she has done somethig but I don’t remember. I cannot believe that she had the nerve to tell me that. I don’t think I want to see her again. I’m quite happy to see Dale, the social worker and Kerry and Jacqui, the OTs, but I have no intension of seeing anyone else at that place. Tim thinks I shouldn’t forget the good things they have done for me but all I can remember is how they put me down and treated me like morons. If I ever have any doubt on myself or my ability it is because of their doings. It’s for the same reason I haven’t contacted this upper limb person – I wonder what she is like if she and Lisa work at the same place. Both Jane and Lisa thought it would take me 2 to 3 years to drink a cup of tea with my left hand. I know we can all laugh at that now.

There is another person I told Tim and Neil about who specialises in upper limb. Her name is Kim Miller and she is based at Melbourne Uni. I found out from her website that she is currently doing her PhD on upper limb. I told Neil that she may be a better person to contact because she will be very up to date with all the latest techniques. I also told Neil that when I looked up (on the internet) on this High Level Mobility Assessment Tool Gavin used for my tests yesterday, I found out that Kim is presenting a paper at the APA (Aust Physiotherapy Association) conference on upper limb. I think Gavin is really an expert on the legs and Kim could be really an expert on the arms. Neil said he would call Kim for me because otherwise I just won’t do anything about it.

3 August 2005

2005-08-03T23:17:00.000-07:00

I almost couldn’t get out of bed this morning. I’m a little bit concerned that I have been feeling quite tired lately. Every time I feel a bit unwell I start to worry because I don’t know if it’s related to the brains or something else. I can’t remember all the symptoms I had prior to my operation. All I remember were the terrible headaches and dizziness that accompanied the headaches.

I went to my usual physio session at Epworth this morning. When I got there, Tracy was at the physio treatment room. She set up a mirror for me to start on my walking practice. She said Gavin wants to do some tests today. I think I’m still a bit tired from all the walk we did on Sunday when we went to Healsville Sanctuary because my legs were getting a bit tired after a few laps of walking. Tracy was going to start on the tests but she realised we had to wait for Gavin when I asked her if I should wear my ankle brace. She said we had to wait for Gavin because he wants to tape my ankle before I start on the tests.

Gavin came in after I’ve done a few more laps of walking. When he was taping my ankle, he told me that many of the tests I probably can’t do yet but it doesn’t matter because at least he can measure the improvement over time. When Tracy set me up outdoors I noticed that she had a sheet of paper and I think it says ‘high level mobility assessment tool (HiMAT)’ or something like that. I think it’s something that Gavin did in his PhD. I remember I did some Google search on him when John Olver mentioned that he is doing his PhD and is an expert on running. That’s when I first found out about this assessment tool.

The first test was the 10 m walk. Tracy let me practice a couple of times before the real test. A few months ago they did the test and it took me 30 seconds but this time only 9 seconds. I was quite surprised by the improvement. I think all the works in personal trainig, walks to the gym and trying to cross Royal Parade before the light changes probably helped. The next test was also 10 m walk but walking backwards. I still find this quite difficult due to weakness in the hamstrings and hip extensors.

Tracy then told me the next few tests would be harder. First one was running. I couldn’t really run but I tried my best anyway. She then ask me to skip. I did’t know how to do it so she demonstrated. I tried but it was very difficult without the walking rails. Gavin came out to see how we were doing and he told Tracy to skip the skipping if it’s too hard for me. I was quite happy on his decision.

The next one was timing on going up and down the stairs without holding on to the rails or even lightly touching the rails. I know I can do this going up but so far I haven’t done it without any support going downstairs before so this would be the first time I’m doing it. Tracy let me practice this a few times before she started timing me. I know I can definitely go up without any support but coming down Gavin always let me have some light support so when I found out that I can do it without support I was quite surprised. When I was going down the stairs during the test I lost my balance and touched the rails for support so I had to start again. I didn’t check my time on the stairs because Gavin hasn’t done this test previously simply because I couldn’t do it when I first went there in March.

The last test on the list is bounding. Again, Gavin had to demonstrate what I have to do. This is a bit like the jumping practice I have been doing in the walking rails except this one I’m aiming for distance, not height. The test is even harder when it’s done in the middle of the hallway so I have absoultely nothing to hold on to. I asked Gavin if it’s ok for me to do this in the walking rails because I’m too scared of falling over. He said I could go and practice this for a while in the walking rails but the actual test has to be done in the hallway. I went back to the walking rails and started on my practice. Gary was in the room as well but I was too busy practising so I didn’t really hear what he was saying. He had someone there with him today.

After a while, I thought I was ready to do the test. At first, I thought Tracy was going to time me but I realised later that she’s going to measure the distance with a tape measurer. She let me try a few times and I realised that I can only do it when I’m pusing off through my right leg but not the left leg. She said she’ll measure on the right leg first and she’ll pick the best three out of five. When I got to the last one, she noticed that my distance is improving so she told me to continue doing it and she’ll get the best result. I think the furthest I did was 89 cm.

The tests took about one hour to complete so there was no time to do anything else. Gavin said when he first tested on me in February, there were many things I couldn’t do and my score was 6 out of 54 and this time I scored 18 out of 54. I have to find out more about how the score works but it looks like I have improved a lot over the last 5 months.

2 August 2005

2005-08-02T00:32:00.000-07:00

I went to MECRS this morning for my usual self help group hydro. I was the first one to arrive this morning. After paying, I went to put my bag and shoes in the change room like last time. By the time I got in the pool, there was already someone in there. I see her every week but I don’t know her name. I said hello to her politely but didn’t expect to continue chatting. She was pretty chatty and I didn’t want to be rude but I was a bit anxious in getting my exercises done and have a bit of swim as well. It turned out that we both go to the same church, St Carthages. I wished I had spoken to her earlier because I also found out that her granddaughter, Charlotte, goes to the same childcare and is in the same class with Lillian. It’s such a small world! Now I know her name is Margo but I won’t see her in hydro anymore because next week is her last week there and we are going to Canberra next week so I won’t be going to my hydro next week.

In the afternoon, I went to my personal training at the Melbourne uni gym. I was a bit early for my session so I did some exercise on an elliptical. These days, I try to get there a bit earlier so I can work on the elliptical a bit before the session so I don’t waste time doing it during my session. Maybe it’s my accountant nature coming out again but I always find that I don’t get my full one hour session so I thought I can probably make it up by doing some exercises beforehand. Mary has her usual client at 1 pm so my session is straight after hers. I have met this woman last time and I didn’t know what to say to her when she asked me today if Mary works me hard as well. I felt like telling her if she thinks Mary is pushy, wait till she meets Gavin. But then again, she is only here for exercises, not rehablitation. She said to me that maybe Mary is not as pushy to me because I’m not as fat. I don’t think that’s the case though.

We worked mainly on the legs today. We went through the same exercises as last week with some slight variations. When Mary put me on the leg press I was on last week, my leg just didn’t work today. Maybe my leg still hasn’t recovered from the long walk we did in Healsville on Sunday, I couldn’t push at all. Mary thought the leg press is probably too hard for me so she put me on a smaller one. I tried it and found it a bit easier. She said it might be better for me to work on the smaller leg press and she’ll increase the weight every week. I’m not sure if this is enough for me but I guess I have to see how I go over the next few weeks. When my session finished, I looked at the clock and noticed that my session was a bit short again. My session didn’t start right on time because the previous session was not finished so I didn’t start till about 2.05 p.m. When I finished, it was about 2.55 p.m. I don’t want to be petty but my accountant nature tells me I got short changed again. I mentioned this to Tim last time and he thinks it’s not really a problem if I get a 55 minutes session instead of 1 hour session. That’s one way of looking at it but if every session is shorten by 5 minutes, you actually loose one full hour over 12 sessions. I hate to think what my clients in the accounting firm would say if I bill them for one hour of consultation but only spent 50 minutes with them in a meeting.

29 July 2005

2005-07-29T01:49:00.000-07:00

I went to my usual physio session at Epworth this morning. I almost forgot to take the bag of ‘goodies’ from Brunetti with me. Just as well I put it on the top of my handbag so it’s harder to forget that way. I learnt this from my colleagues at the ATO. When I first started working there, I notice that people usually do their grocery shopping at lunch time and leave their grocery in the fridge. I didn’t do that for a while because I was always worried that I might forget to take them home. Someone told me that if you leave your car key with your grocery then you won’t forget because when you go to the car you will realise that your car key is with your grocery.

The taxi driver really knows the short cut to get there so I got to Epworth earlier than I expected. Gavin wasn’t there so when I saw Tracy I gave her the bag of goodies and told her that’s for her and Gavin since she’s always helping me with my exercises when Gavin is with another patient. When I turned around, I saw Gavin coming in and I told him that I just handed Tracy with a bag of sweets for both of them. He set up a mirror for me to start with my walking practice. He said he wanted me to do my usual warm up and then he wants to do some tests on me. I asked him what sort of tests and he told me it’s been a while since he timed me on my walking and he wants to do that every 3 months or so. He asked me if I want to be on TV. Apparently they are making an ad and needs some physio patients. I declined.

The room was getting a bit crowded because it’s almost 11 a.m. and the porters have parked a few patients in wheelchairs in the same room. When I was doing my dorsiflexion exercises against the wall, I noticed that the guy who was treated by Gavin was sitting in a wheelchair. He must just have finished his session and waiting to be collected by a porter. I noticed that he had some kind of bandage around his head and a neck brace. He looked a little bit more alert than Wednesday. I was concentrating on my exercises but couldn’t help noticing that he was making this noise from his nose. I don’t know if he wanted to blow his nose or what but the next minute I noticed he lifted up his right hand and was trying to touch his nose. I don’t think he is hemiplegic because although his hand was very wobbly, he was able to move it. I really wish I didn’t look at what he’s doing at all because what happened next was really disgusting. He picked his nose and scooped this big lump of ‘thingo’ out. It’s about the size of a pea. He didn’t have any tissue so he just let it ‘sit’ on the tip of his index finger. I didn’t know whether to ask for help for him or not but in the end I thought I should just mind my own business because I might embarrass him. If I were in that situation I think the last thing I want is knowing someone actually saw what I just did. The porter finally came to pick him up and gave him some tissue so the crisis was over.

Gary came in with his electric wheelchair when I was still doing my dorsiflexion exercises against the wall. I was hoping that I don’t have to face him so I don’t have to talk to him. Unfortunately, the other room was a bit crowded so he parked in front of me. I only said hello to him just to be polite but being a chatter box he just had to ask how my exercise was going. I rather endure the uncomfortable silence than to start on a contrived conversation. Fortunately, Gavin came back and told him he’d tape my foot. He said he can’t do the test today because some workmen have blocked the front door and it’s better to do the test next time. He asked me again if I want to be on TV. He asked around if people have been on TV before. I didn’t want to tell him that actually I have been on TV before. This was a few years ago when I was actively involved in the Taiwanese Chamber of Commerce. I had to do an interview in Mandarin on someone and it was brocasted on channel 32 community television. Most people probably don’t even know about this channel. I didn’t feel like telling him about it because it’s a bit like a character from ‘Lost’ (a drama series on Channel 7) said to the people who survived the crash on the island that everyone gets a new start on this island and nobody needs to worry about their past. There is no need for me to tell people what I used to do because all it matters now is how do I get better. I’m glad that Gavin is not the sort of person who remembers all the details and nosy aboout everything because on the MECRS discharge report it mentioned something about modelling. I don’t know where they got that information from because I haven’t done any modelling since my university days and I was a bit sick and tired having to explain to people who pick up on this in the report.

I think Gary is just very bad news for me because Gavin had to go with him across the road to the hospital. Gavin told Tracy to get me practising walking up and down the stairs while he is away. We did a few laps of the stairs and then the trampoline. She then set up the boxes in the walking rails for me to practise jumping. I don’t know if she ever get bored because she always stands there watching me when she’s been instructed by Gavin to help me with my practice. I got a little bit bored after I don’t know how many jumps. She said I could sit down and have a rest if I wanted to so
I did. Gavin and Gary came back just when I sat down. Gavin looked at me and asked me ‘what are you doing?’ I told him I’m just having a rest. He looked at Tracy and asked her ‘What’s going on? Why aren’t you cracking the whip?’ Gary jumped in and said ‘it must be a female thing. Just sitting around and chat.’ I felt like saying to him that he is the biggest chatterbox I’ve seen.

I went back to the jumping practice when I had enough rest. Gavin came out from the staff room holding the goodies from Brunetti and said he just realised where Brunetti is about a month ago when another patient brought in something from there. He said he didn’t know where Brunetti was and people laughed at him. Gary asked him if he’s been to Florentino before. I can’t remember what he said but Gary was just going on and on about how expensive that place is. He also mentioned Lynch’s – another expensive restaurant. I felt like telling him those places are not fashionable anymore. I think they were very popular in the 90’s but have gone downhill a bit since. It brought back a lot of memory. When I was working in chartered accounting firms, these were the sort of restaurants we took our clients to and that’s something I don’t miss. The reason I got out of chartered accounting and financial planning is because I’m sick and tired being materialistic. I don’t want to be inspired by designer label clothes, prestigious cars and facy restaurants anymore and I found my colleagues at the tax office have much simpler life and are much happier.

In the afternoon, I went to Barcly Squares to do my weekly grocery shopping. When i went to the green grocers, someone looked at my foot (with ankle brace on) and asked me what happened to me. I told him I had a bit of accident thinking he'll just let me go but he asked me what kind of accident, road accident or push bike. I was a bit annoyed and told him it's neither. I told him it was a skiing accident. I can't believe he actually asked me whether it's water skiing or snow skiing. I told him it was snow skiing. This is the first time I was able to lie to someone about what happened to me. I don't know whether he remembered seeing me limping before the snow season started because I have been shopping there for a few months.

28 July 2005

2005-07-28T03:20:00.000-07:00

I had personal training with Mary this morning. Today we mainly worked on the arms. I told her that I prefer not to work on my arms on Tuesdays because I work mainly on the arms when I go to my self help group hydro and I think it’s a bit too much for the arms if I work on them again in personal training.

I told her that I think my session with her on Tuesday was good because my leg was quite sore aftwards and it’s good kind of soreness. She thought that’s a good sign. She said she’ll try something different with my arm today. I told her that my orthopaedic said my shoulder is doing really well and I should have more strength training. I noticed that she has written this down as I was telling her.

I think she probably got the idea that I want to work harder so when she got me to start on some exercises with lighter weights and then gradually increased the weights. Although she still asked me quite often if my arm felt ok. I told her my arm is fine and even if I was feeling tired I would still expect her to push me to do more. She agreed. I hope this is enough to get her to drive me harder because I don’t know what else to say to her otherwise.

After my session, I met up with Neil and he walked me home. He commented that I’m walking faster but I didn’t feel it. To prove this, we walked across Royal Parade without applying my usual strategy and he is right I was able to cross the road before the light changes. I told him that I’m still nervous that I can’t cross the road before the pedestrain’s light starts flashing. He didn’t think that ‘s much of a problem because he said even he cannot do that sometimes. He said he and Rosemary were very pleased to see that I have been updating my diary again and that they were happy to see that I actually enjoyed my shopping on Monday. I told him I don’t know whether it’s because I actually feel more comfortable to go out or it’s because I had someone there with me. I mentioned to Neil that on the Monday when I went to Myer at High Point, the lady at the Chanel counter actually gave me this really unfriendly stare when I went and asked her if they have Christelle body lotion. She told me they don’t have that in stock and then she looked at me up and down and told me that she is sure they will stock it in the Collins St store. I didn’t like being stared at like that but she didn’t intimidate me. I remember at the time I was just thinking ‘stuff you for staring at me like that. Besides, it’s her loss for not being able to sell me something’. It was probably the first time since my operation I was not intimidated by someone’s rude stare. Neil was very happy for me and insisted that I put this in the blog.

In the afternoon, the sun came out and it looked really nice outside. I have been thinking about going to Brunetti to get some cake for Gavin for a while. He has helped me a lot and I saw some patients bringing in some cake and stuff. I can’t really bake so the easiest thing to do is getting something from Brunetti. Since it’s such a nice afternoon, I decided to go there today. When I was just a street away from the shop, I thought I saw a parking spot but had to stop because of the light just turned red. I was very anxious because it’s pretty hard to find parking on Faraday Street. While I was waiting for the light to change, I saw a fourl wheel drive just pulled in the spot I saw before. I wished I had beaten the red light but it’s too late now. When the light finally changed, I was getting even more anxious about parking. To my surprise, I spoted some parking spots on the other side of the road so I turned around as soon as I could. There is a disabled parking spot so it’s perfect for me. Just when I was about to switch off the engine, I noticed that a car just about to leave a parking spot closer to the shop. I think my prayer has been answered. I was praying when I stopped at the light that I'll be able to park somewhere closed. I quickly drove into that spot and parked there. This is so much more convenient than the disabled parking spot because it’s half a street closer. I didn’t expect Brunetti to be this crowded but I suppose it’s still lunch time for some people at 1.30 p.m. I didn’t bother using the padestrain crossing this time since Faraday Street was not that busy. This is also the first time I J-walked after my operation. When Neil walked me home from the Melb Uni gym this morning, I told him that one of my goals is to be able to J-walk Royal Parade. I guess this is only the first step.

This is another good practice for me because I had to walk pass all these people sitting outside the café and I had to deal with their stares. Maybe I was just concentrating on getting to the shop because I didn’t actually notice any stares from people. When I went to the counter, I had to wait to be served because there were many customers waiting. I noticed the lady before me was very well groomed – with full make up on and painted long finger nails. When I looked around I notice that most people there were quite well dressed or at least in business suits. I was only wearing my gym outfit – runners, 3/4 length crop pants and fleecy sports top. Maybe I was too busy thinking about what to get because I didn’t feel embarrassed by my shabby looking outfit at all. I know the Italians usually dress well and that café is quite trendy and is the sort of place you want to be seen to be sipping your coffee but this is probably the first time after the operation I was able to face people in a place like this and not feeling terribly uncomfortable. The girl who served me was not very friendly but it didn’t bother me very much. I got what I had to get and walked out of the shop and walked passed the people who are sipping their coffee in the sun and felt proud of myself. I know my walking is far from being perfect but compare with a year ago I have come a long way.

When I got home, I still had a bit of time before my appointment with Judy so I decided to take a walk to the post office. My friend's birthday is coming up on Sunday so I thought I should send her a birthday card. I walked to the post office to get some stamps and to post the card. It was a pleasant walk because it’s a sunny afternoon. My leg is a little bit sore from the walk but it’s good kind of sore. I think I must be a sucker for punishment because these days I actually quite like the feeling of muscle ache after a good workout. It’s one way to know that I’m doing something good to strengthen the muscles.

Judy, the massage therapist, said she noticed there is some change in the leg. She thinks my leg has been working hard and it’s very good. I told her it could be due to the use of leg press for the first time on Tuesday. I’m a bit worried about her though, she told me she is going for an operation tomorrow to remove a gall stone. She said the doctor said she’ll be out of action for 2 weeks. This means I won’t see her next week. The way she described it sounds like it’s going to be very painful and I just hope everything goes well with the procedure.

27 July 2005

2005-07-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

I got to Epworth quite early this morning. My mum came to the house to take Lillian to childcare and I went with her. Just as well I did because I had to put it in writing that I authorise her to pick up Lillian in the afternoon. Tim is in a workshop all day and has a meeting late this afternoon that he antipicates will go on for a while. We both agreed that it would be better for Lillian if my mum picks her up in the afternoon. She usually goes to my parents’ place on Wednesday nights anyway.

After dropping Lillian off at the childcare, my mum gave me a lift to my physio. I arrived half an hour before my appointment. I was wearing my ankle brace because I had to go to the childcare before that. When I went in the physio treatment room, I didn’t see Gavin there so I quickly removed my ankle brace and put it away together with my bag and jacket. Tracy saw me and she helped me to set up a mirror so I could start with some walking practice. After a few laps of walking, I just noticed that Gavin was actually in the room next door with another patient. He didn’t see me coming in with the ankle brace so he didn’t say anything. It’s kind of strange that I got away with it. I haven’t seen this patient he’s treating before. He must be new. He looks like he had a car accident and is in a pretty bad shape. He was basically leaning on Gavin when he was walking (or being dragged).

Gavin told me that he has asked Tracy to set up the equipment for me to do my dorsiflexion exercises after I finish all my usual ones – walking, calf raises and dorsiflexion against wall. I think it’s good that I got there early because it was only 11 a.m. when I finished my usual exercises so it gives me more time to do something new in the session.

Gary, the other Gavin’s patient, who always have physio at the same time as I do, turned up and Gavin was getting all the physio beds ready so he can walk around it with the support of the beds and Gavin. I must say I don’t particular like being in the same room as he does because it’s a bit like having a radio on in the background. He just doesn’t shut up. Maybe I’m just being a bit mean but sometimes I wonder why he bothers going to physio at all. I personally think if he is not serious about rehab then he shouldn’t waste everyone’s time. I was doing some calf stretches when he claimed that he’ll give anyone $1,000 if the person can bit him in a game of tic tac toe. Jacqui, another physio, tried and was beaten straight away. Another person tried and also failed. Finally, Gavin tried as well and was also beaten. Gary explained to him that there is a trick to this game etc. I was glad that was the end of it because Gavin sort of pushed him to stand up and start walking around the bed.

After my calf stretches, Gavin asked me to do a few laps of walking practice but walking backwards. This is quite challenging for me and I know I always have a bit of problem walking backwards due to weakness in my hip extensors. I know it’s important for me to be able to walk backwards especially if I want to be able to get back to ballroom dancing again. After a few more laps of walking backwards, he said my next task is to kick that guy off the bike. I poked my head out of the room and saw a guy on the bike I was on last week. I don’t think I want to do that so I asked Gavin if he’s serious. He said all I have to do is stand next to him and just stare at him and he’ll get off. I think he knows I have no sense of humour (hey, I’m an accountant so what do you expect) and I wouldn’t go up to that guy anyway so he asked Tracy to do the dirty work. I thought it’s a bit strange that he wanted me to do some exercises on the bike because last Friday we agreed that I can do that at home instead of during my physio session. I mentioned this to Gavin and he asked me why didn’t I tell him earlier. I told him that I thought he remembers. Tracy was just at the bike and Gavin had to rush out and tell her not to worry. He said he doesn’t remember that. He said he always get into trouble with his wife because she always says ‘remember you said you were going to do whatever’ and he said he doesn’t remember anyway so she can just say whatever she wants. This sounds all too familiar, I think Tim is a bit like that, too. I think guys not only have selective hearings, they have selective memory, too. At first, I thought he is just very nice because he never talks to me like if I’m a retard. The physios who treated me at MECRS when I was an in patient have a tendency to treat me like if I don’t know what’s going on around me and tend to blame me for everything (such as it’s not that they haven’t done anything with my arm but it’s because I don’t remember things). I told Tim many times that one thing I like about Gavin is that he has always been very positive and he doesn’t treat me like if I’m a retard. I notice he never ask me if I remember whatever. Now, I know it’s probably because he doesn’t always remember things himself.

He then asked Tracy to help with some hamstring exercises. I had to lie on my tummy or in physio’s term, prone. Tracy asked me to lift my leg up towards my butt. My leg was a bit wobbly but this is not unachievable. Gavin came over to check on me. He asked me if I find this exercise hard. To be honest, I don’t really know. I told him it’s not easy but it’s not too hard either. He asked Tracy to put some resistance on my leg to make this harder. In fact, this was so hard I could hardly lift up my leg and I could feel the right side of my body was trying to help as well. After a while, Gavin came back and said that’s enough for me and he’d get me to do something else. At first, I thought it’s the usual jumping practice but he had something else in mind. He set up a box in the walking rails and demonstrated what he wants me to do. Stepping my left foot back on the box and leave my right foot on the floor and then push up through my left leg to bring my right foot up on the box. Like everything, it always looks easy when he does it. I tried it and it wasn’t too bad. Gavin asked me if I find the exercise easy. Again, I didn’t find this too easy or too hard. He let me do a few more of this exercise and then set up the boxes for me for my jumping practice.

I had a brief chat with him about my personal training session and I told him that the trainer I had last week was even more cautious than Mary. He said there is no reason why they can’t push me harder because I’m not sick. He said it’s a bit different for someone who is 80 something and had a stroke because there is probably already something wrong with the person. He said I should tell Mary diplomatically that she needs to push me harder. I told him that she put me on a leg press yesterday for the first time. He said I should do lots of those. He also said I should do lots and lots of cardio exercises.

After I got home, I walked across the road to the milk bar to get some lunch. The walk was quite easy. I remember when I first got home from MECRS last September I had to call them for delivery but now I can easily walk there (with my ankle brace on) and get some lunch. In the afternoon, I realised that there is hardly any milk left so I had to make another trip to the store. With my ankle brace on, I actually enjoy walking around outdoors. On my way back, I saw our neighbor who lives two houses down from us. She said she thinks I’m walking a lot faster today and my walking seem to have a better rhythm. I’m surprised that people notice little details like this.

26 July 2005

2005-07-26T00:45:00.000-07:00

I think you have to be so disciplined to update the diary everyday. I’m really struggling to keep my diary up to date but since I have decided to do it I have to push myself to do it.

I went for my hydro this morning. It’s my usual Tuesday morning routine now. I left the house before Tim took Lillian to the childcare. I felt a bit quilty that I have taken the car so they would have to walk.

Last week was the first time I didn’t need anyone’s help with carrying my bag and shoes to the shower. It all started with the girl who usually collects the money and help out during the session was away and I asked another MECRS staff at the beginning of the session if she could help me carying my bag and shoes to the shower after I get out from the pool. She said she couldn’t do that because she has back problems. I don’t think it would cause her any back problems but I didn’t want to be hopeless. Another lady in my group suggested that I leave my stuff in the change room so it’s easier to carry them to the shower afterwards. I tried that and it worked really well. I don’t know why I haven’t thought about doing that earlier. I have been coming to the hydro since last September and I only found out the solution almost a year later.

Some people in the group didn’t show up so the pool was not as crowded. I was able to do some breast stroke with the support of a noodle. Last week was the first time I found I could swim in a straight line and my ankle was not inverting. Today, I was able to do a few more laps without my ankle inverting. I found that the inversion usually starts when my leg gets a bit tired or if I’m trying too hard.

I had my personal training session in the afternoon. My personal trainer, Mary, was away last week so I had one session with another trainer. It was good in a way because I had an opportunity to check out what other trainers are like. I felt Mary hasn’t been pushing me hard enough but from my observation of other trainers, they don’t seem very pushy either. It seems ridiculous that I have to push the personal trainers to push me. I guess no personal trainer is as pushy as Gavin is. I was a bit disappointed with last week’s session. The trainer was so careful with me despite the fact that I assured her that I was ok and she won’t do any damage by pushing me hard. I think I made a mistake by mentioning ‘damage’ because that made her even more nervous. I did tell her that I found the exercises I’m doing with Mary are too easy. I suspect she may have passed on the comment to Mary because Mary told me in the beginning of the session that we’ll try some new exercises. She got me to try the leg press today and for once I felt that was quite challenging. I was pushing it with my left leg only and at one stage I felt my leg was going to fall off because the muscles were very sore. I think my leg had a pretty good workout today because my leg was quite sore afterwards that I wasn’t even sure whether I’d be able to walk home. I think that’s usually a good indication that I had a good workout.

25 July 2005

2005-07-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

I think I should try to update my diary on a more regular basis. I think Neil is right, it does help me with my typing a bit. I will, however, try to keep it simple.

I went shopping today! The social worker from ARBIAS has arranged for a personal carer attendant to accompany me to do some ‘girly things’ with me. I spoke to her a few months ago about how I felt terrible about myself and didn’t feel like going anywhere and she suggested that she’d get someone to accompany me going out and do the things I would like to do. I have met the personal carer attendant, Lynn, previously. She accompanied me to my hairdresser last time.

I told Lynn last time that I want to get a pair of jeans and some pants so she suggested that we go to High Point shopping centre in Maribyrnong. I have only been there once before but I didn’t go to any shops there. Jacqui, the OT from MECRS, took me there once to practice using the escalator.

We picked a Monday morning because that’s really the only free time I have. I think I must have improved a lot since last time I was on the escalator. I didn’t have to think very hard getting on or off it this time. The shopping centre is quite big so we walked around for a bit. I’m not sure if it’s because Lynn was there with me or I’m more used to the crowd, I didn’t find it too traumatic walking around crowded area. For once, I didn’t even notice if people were staring at me because I was limping. I think it definitely helped to have someone there with me so I didn’t feel so isolated and maybe in a way it helped me to be less self-concious. I haven’t been shopping for a long time and today was the first time in a while I actually enjoyed being out and about and I actually enjoyed shopping. Tomorrow will be a real test on whether I’m more used to crowds and being less self concious because uni started today and I have my personal training tomorrow afternoon which means I have to face more people in the gym and on campus when I go there.

18 July 2005

2005-07-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

I have been struggling to update my diary lately. I guess it’s because I haven’t been able to finish my diary during the day and by the time Tim comes home I don’t have access to the study so unless I finish my diary during the day, it just doesn’t get published. I have drawn up a weekly planner these days because I found I have quite a lot to do in a week and I need to plan my time better. In a week, I have two physio sessions at Epworth, one session of self-help hydro at MECRS, two personal training seesions at the Melbourne Uni gym, one physio session at home and one massage session at home. This is really making rehabilitation my full time job.

I had a pretty wasteful morning. I went to see my orthopaedic surgeon, Martin Richardson, in the morning. My appointment was at 9.45 a.m. and I made sure I arrive just on time – not too early, not too late. His medical suite is just right across the road from Epworth Rehabilitation. I thought about arranging physio session with Gavin after I see Martin but judging from last time, he might be running late again and if I miss out physio at 11 a.m. I would have to wait till 1 pm for the next session. I don’t want to hang around for hours just to save $30 on taxi.

Just as well I wasn’t going to physio today. I waited till 10.30 a.m. before I went to the receptionist to check if my appointment is at 9.45 a.m.. She confirmed that my appointment was scheduled at 9.45 a.m. but Martin is running a bit late and I should be next. ‘A little bit late’? I don’t think 45 minutes is a little bit late. By the time he sees me, it’d be an hour late.

I was right, by the time I saw him, it was already 10.45 a.m. He checked my shoulder and said it’s looking really good. John (the rehab specilialist who is always on the phone) and his team have done a great job. I felt like throwing up. John has done absolutely nothing and his team (Gavin) has given me some exercises but that’s about all. What about the help from Prema,Neil,Rosemary and Judy? I guess when I’m recovering well people just assume the rehab professionals have done a great job. I asked him about not being able to pull up my arm straight close to my ear but he said it will come when I build up more strength. I asked him what exercises should I do to have a full recovery. Again, he said whatever I’m doing now is great so there is no need to change. He thinks my shoulder has recovered about 85%. I told him that I started some personal training last month and what should I do with my shoulder. Again, he said whatever I’ve been doing is fine. Why did I bother asking I wonder.
That was the end of my appointment and he said he’ll see me in three months time.

I must say I’m a bit disappointed with him. I’m glad that my shoulder is recovering well but not too impressed when he’s so vague about what exercises I should do to gain a full recovery. Again, I felt I was being taken for granted. It’s very hard for me to make my voice heard when I don’t have a lot of confidence in myself. I don’t think it helps anyone if you limp when you walk and feel you look terrible the whole time.

8 July 2005

2005-07-08T01:18:00.000-07:00

I had my usual physio appointment at Epworth this morning. I had to get up a bit earlier this morning because we received a notice from CitiPower a few days a ago to tell us that there will be some interruptions to the power supply today from 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. I wasn’t too worried when I first read the notice but then when I remembered what happened a few weeks ago when we had a blackout, I started to panic. This means there will be no hotwater(for showering), no heating, no kettle for tea or coffee. I had to make sure I have a shower before then. I was lucky because minutes after I had a shower, the power went off. I didn’t think they were going to cut off power at 9 a.m. exactly but they did.

I got to Epworth a little bit earlier today. When I walked in the physio treatment room, Kathy was there with her patient but there was no sight of Gavin. I sat up a mirror and started my walking practice while I was waiting for him. I lost count of how many laps of walking I’ve done but when he finally turned up, he told me to continue with it while he rushes to do something else. I didn’t tell him but I think there is something wrong with the mirror. It makes me look short and fat – not a very flattering mirror.

When he returned, he told me to face the walking rails and do some calf raises. While I was doing the calf raises, I asked Gavin about personal training and whether it’s a standard thing for the personal trainers not to use gym equipments. I told him that Mary has set some exercises for mse to work on specific muscle groups but not using the gym equpiments. I also told him that I haven’t felt absolutely stuffed after my personal training sessions so I found that after I got home, I had to do more to feel that I had a good workout. He said what he sees me doing in the next twelve months is working in the gym independently. He said if the exercises are for specific muscle groups and if I only worked on certain muscle groups, the muscles were probably tired but I wouldn’t feel tired so it’s good to finish off with some cardio exercises. He said I should ask Mary to show me how to use various gym equipments so I can learn to use these equipments own my own. He also asked me if I’m going back to work full time end of this year. I told him last time that I plan to go back to work at the end of November. I told him I plan to go back part-time to start with. Maybe just one day a week and then gradually increase it. He said that’s ok because if I go back full time, I won’t have time for rehabilitation and I won’t improve. I’m a little depressed by his comments even though he hasn’t said anything negative. I was hoping that by the time I go back to work, I can get my life back – ie I will be able to walk normally and run and maybe even dance. I never expect the rehabilitation will take so long. It has been over a year now and this seems to be the longest year I had. I can’t believe that I’m spending the prime of my life learning how to walk again.

Gary came in as I was talking to Gavin. Gavin told me to continue with twenty more calf raises and then the dorsiflexion exercises against the wall. I have done some dorsiflxion exercises already before I went to Epworth. This is the one that I stand with my back against the wall and feet just a few inches away from the wall. I then take my butt off the wall just leaving my shoulders and my back touching the wall. Finally, I need to lift the rest of my upper body off the wall by lifting my toes. I found a good place for me to do this exercise is when I’m in the shower because I’m actually standing barefeet. The only problem is to lean against the cold tiles.

After the dorsiflexion exercises, Gavin told me to practice jumping in the walking rails. He put a box there for me to jump on and off first and when he thought I was doing better, he removed the box and asked me to do the same without the box. When I was practising this I could hear Gary talking all the time. He was telling Gavin that he had coffee with Gary Ablett’s girlfriend. I don’t know what he used to do but somehow I think he must be in that field before because he’s always talking about the football players or coaches. In the past, I was always a bit annoyed with Gavin because I felt he was always talking to Gary and I was always left there to do my own things. Today, I noticed that it’s not Gavin that was talking. Gary was the one who wouldn’t shut up so there’s probaby nothing much Gavin could do anyway. In fact, Gary couldn’t even stand not talking for one minute that when Gavin had to go somewhere and left him there in his wheelchair, he had to call someone on the mobile for a chat.

I practiced a little bit more own my own and then Gavin came over to check what I was doing. I think I did some really pathetic little jumps because I found him smirking when he was looking at my jumps. He asked me how did I think I went. I told him I think it was pretty bad. He didn’t comment on that but he still had that smirk on his face. He told me I need to focus on the height, not the distance when I’m practising at this stage. I guess this is what I’ll be doing for the next few sessions until I can run.

After my session, Gavin asked me if my legs are tired. I told him no. I also told him that in the past, little exercises like this would probably tired me out completely but now it takes a lot more for me to feel tired. He thinks it’s good I don’t feel tired because it means I’m much fitter these days.

7 July 2005

2005-07-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

I haven’t updated my diary for a while. I found that I hardly have time to do that these days. When I look at my weekly schedule, I realise that I actually have a pretty busy schedule – two physio sessions at Epworth, two personal training sessions at the gym, one private physio session at home, one message session and one hydro session at the pool plus time to do some exercises at home. There is hardly any time left to do my diary and other things.

I had a massage session with Judy this morning. I was a bit relieved when she told me she’s happier with my arm this week. A couple of weeks ago she was a bit concerned that I wasn’t working hard enough and there wasn’t enough for her to work on. Today, she said my arm is much better but compared with the leg, I can still do more with the arm. That just brought up another question I have. I know Gavin always says I should work so hard that I feel absolutely stuffed but I don’t actually experience that in personal training. One thing I always thought a bit odd is that my personal trainer, Mary, never uses any gym equipment for my program apart from some arm exercises. The only time I feel I’m absolutely stuffed is when I use the cross trainer at home. I wonder if it’s a standard thing for personal trainers to do – not using the gym equipments. I asked Judy about that but she’s not sure what personal trainers do. I guess that’s something I need to clarify with Gavin.

After massage, Rosemary came over. She has a new set of arm exercises for me. I think it’s a good idea to start on those arm exercises again. I haven’t done them for a while and Judy has noticed the difference when I wasn’t doing those. I’ve written up her exercises in my new exercise book so there are more for me to do now. I also told her that I asked Gavin about my exercise prgram and he told me he thought it would be better for me to do the leg exercises at the gym. Rosemary knows that I was a bit upset with Gavin last week because Tim told me Gavin said he's given me a written exercise program but all I had was the shoulder exercises. Now I know he doesn't have any specific leg exercises for me but I can probably check with him if the exercises I do in personal trainings are adequate.

I don’t know what’s going on with the Harold-Sun newspapers. I received a phone call from someone by the name of Joe in the afternoon. He said he’s calling from the Harold-Sun. He asked me if I read the Harold-Sun. I told him no and he asked me how do I get the news then. I felt like telling him I get the news from reading The Age or The Australians but I didn’t want to give him too much detail. I told him I get the news on the Internet or from the radio. He said something but I didn’t quite hear it. To my surprise, he actually hang up on me. This is the first time a salesperson hang up on me. I was a bit upset because I felt that should be my job to hang up on him but I guess it makes it easier for me so I don’t have to be rude to him. About half an hour later, someone else from the Harold-Sun called again. I told this person that Joe just called me before and she was happy to leave me alone. I thought they should be a bit more organised in planning their calls.

1 July 2005

2005-06-30T23:59:00.000-07:00

Today is the first day of a new financial year. I remember my first job at an accounting firm, there was this parterner who was a bit carried away and was wishing everyone a happy new year on 1 July. People thought it was a bit stupid.

I had an appointment with Gavin this morning. Tim agreed to accompany me to the session today – mainly due to he really wanted to watch the show MDA on TV last night. It’s on the same time as ‘The Amazing Race’, a trashy program I’ve been watching every week. Tim was trying to convince me to let him watch MDA so he agreed to come to my physio session today.

We were lucky to get a parking spot about 100 meters from the entrance of the rehabilitation centre. When we were in the car, Tim asked me what’s the purpose of his visit. I told him that I need him to find out for me what I should be doing outside physio and also to keep an eye on the personal attention I get from Gavin during the session because I feel I’m always stuck in a session with at least one patient in wheelchair and I’m often left to practice on my own. I also just wanted Tim to see the situation I’m in.

When we walked in the physio treatment room, I went to put away my handbag and jacket because Tim wouldn’t want to be seen carrying my handbag. When I’ve done that, I sat down on a bench waiting for Gavin. I told Tim that he could sit down if he wanted to but his mobile rang and he was busy talking on the phone. When Gavin came in, he told me to start with some walking practice. I had to explain to him and Kathy that Tim is there with me because they started to get a bit worried that some stranger just wondered in. Gavin asked me if Tim is here to have a look what I do in physio. I told him yes. After a few laps of walking, Gavin taped my foot and asked me to go to the trampoline and do the jumping exercises. When Tim came back after he finished talking on the phone, he came to see me doing my trampoline exercises. I have practised a little bit yesterday at home. I was so sick and tired not being able to jump with my left foot so I was practising jumping on the trampoline yesterday. I think the practice has paid off. I was able to lift up my left leg more on the trampoline today. I did this for a while until Gavin came out to check on me. He introduced himself to Tim and told me to go to the walking rails to practise jumping.

He set up a box for me and asked me to jump up the box landing on my left foot and then down landing on my right foot. This is the exercise I dreaded because I found it very boring. Again, I was left there to practise on my own while Gavin works on Gary, the guy who had spinal injury. Fortunately, Tim was there with me so I was not so bored. When Gavin came over to check on me, he asked me to practise jumping off the box and land on my right foot. I tried that for a while without much success. Gavin helped me a little bit by lifting me up a bit when I was jumping off so I know what it should feel like. When I was practising this, Tim was able to have a chat with Gavin. He basically asked Gavin about the Botox and what sort of exercises I should be doing. Gavin told him that the people who recovered well are the people who worked really hard. I guess I’m prepared to work hard but I just don’t know what I need to do. I didn’t hear everything they talked about but Tim told me afterwards that I just need to work harder at the gym. I was glad that Tim accompanied me there today because he could see that Gary was wasting everyone’s time and was not really serious about his progress. It really annoys me because the fact that he talks all the time is wasting his own time, Gavin’s time and indirectly, my time as well. Sadly to say, he is funded by TAC so in a way, every motorist’s money.

When I came home, I got out my new exercise book and wrote up a new program for myself. I asked Tim to get an exercise book for me like the one Neil and Rosemary got for me previously. I guess this is like a new year resolution for an accountant. I’ve decided that I’m going to start recording my exercises again like before and work very hard at it again.

I tested my typing speed again today and it’s 35 wpm with 7 errors or 28 wpm net.